Breakdown In Aisle Six

Well, all of this free time is about to come to a close. I got the job at Advanced that I interviewed for last week. It's in Rosedale and the hours are 11:30-8, except for Friday's, which are 10:30-7. They're paying me $13.50 an hour with a differential from 5-8 bumping it up to $15.50. I must say that I am pretty chuffed about that. The thing that I'm most excited about is the fact that I can wear regular clothes to work again, after not being able to for the last two years (since I left the hospital.). Now, the next thing is to hope I can find something to fit comfortably after putting on weight the last three weeks. I am glad to have had the time off, because I really needed it and I got a lot done, but I also recognise that to be completely without any structure whatsoever is no good for me. All I find myself doing is eating and spending money shopping. Excessive consumption on both accounts. I start on Monday, which means I have tomorrow and Friday to do absolutely nothing, then the weekend, then I start training. I made myself a delicious, if overly indulgent, dinner tonight (half of this eating and cooking has been out of sheer boredom, although I do feel like my efforts at preparing dishes are getting more accomplished and involved.). I made fried shrimp in the oven with plenty of cocktail sauce and steamed fingerling potatoes with butter and herbs. This new job still isn't going to be active enough, but the problem with me getting a less seditary job is that what is less sedintary jobs require people to be far less atrophied than me, without any leadway to work up to being stronger/more active, which is really the only way that could happen, so it's a complete loss for me. I went down to Fells today to see if Sound Garden had any British Sea Power cd's, which they did not, unfortunately, and to get a delicious hazelnut latte at The Daily Grind (best coffee in the city!). Then I stopped in Normal's to see if they had any books of George Hurrell photography (they did have one, but it was $25, so I passed. More text than I wanted, too, and not enough pictures.). There was, however, a book about Fitzgerald's work in/facination with Hollywood and the movies and that was only $4. Unfortunately, I didn't have any cash by this time and they have a credit card minimum of $10, so I will go back tomorrow with paper currency. Earlier today, I started crying in Target looking at Christmas decorations. I'm having Mom and Tony over here and decorating and all, trying to actually celebrate this year instead of holing up and waiting for it to be over as an act of defiant tribute to the enormous loss of Buba and Pop, but it doesn't get any easier. In all honesty, I'm glad it still hurts, I'm glad it still affects me, because if it didn't, if I no longer felt anything, felt numb or indifferent, it would be far worse, it would exacerbate the fear I have of them moving farther away from me. The passage of time (and all of its sickening crimes) striking, yet again. So, I'm glad in my own weird way that it still sucks and always will. Things will never be right, but I also feel like I would be doing them a greater dishonour by avoiding the holidays and the inevidable crying that they entail than just getting on with it. I had a full-on, unforseen sob at home later sparked by watching this video on You Tube that Mom had sent me with footage of WWII and old guys like my grandparents about thanking a veteran. That stuff always gets to me, but today, all of a sudden, it was 2003 all over again (and 2001, and September of this year. I don't mean to short-change my father's parents, it's just that the sun rose and set by Buba and Pop.), with the kind of collapsing crying where it feels like you're wringing out a washcloth inside and caving in on yourself. I was loud, too. If the neighbours on either side were home, surely they heard me. I went into the kitchen to get a papertowel to wipe my face and blow my nose and I stood there looking at all of the stuff in this house, at this very house itself, all because of them. Anyways, I just was reminded that it's always there, beneath the surface. It might not rise up for a while, but it never lessens, and never sinks any deeper, either. The alternative, however, would be far worse.

Midnight Frolic

Just watched a wonderful Biography om Flo Ziegfeld. Not only was there tons of photos and film of the girls and the shows, but this one was lucky enough to boast having some of the girls themselves speak about the man and the follies, what it was like being an American Girl Glorified. I sat here with tears streaming down my face seeing these wonderful ladies, all full-fledged seniors (most of whom are already passed on), some still retaining that glamour and poise, speaking so fondly on the subject, and it just got me thinking, it is so sad, the passing of time, how people age, how things move past. I find the real tragedy to be that its all inevidible, but also, I find this indulible beauty to it all. The thing that saddens me I think is knowing that most people don't recognise the beauty or the fact that its going to happen to everybody. I thought about what it would have been like to have watched this fabulous program when I was in school, or around some other insufferable bores today, knowing the rude comments and snarky remarks they would have made at the juxtapostion to be found in the footage of these girls, truly some of the prettiest out of a time seemingly populated exclusively by beautiful people, contrasted with the wrinkly old ladies, some of whom were still clinging to their faded youth in that unflattering way. I could just imagine the fucking point being lost on them. The point that these woman WERE beautiful, that the tragedy is that age and life takes its toll, and that, moreover, its coming for us all. How can you make fun of or have distain for something that will eventually afflict you, too. Anyways, this rant is all predecated on some imagined bullshit from the mass populus. I really do feel like they put me in the wrong time period. I brought this up, later that night, to Ian at the bar, and he said that we are living in that exact time now, that this time period is in many ways parallel to the 20's and 30's. This may be, but I still feel a deep nostaligia and longing for something I know I can never know.

Can You Hear What I Hear--- Terrible, I know.

Just saw a Law and Order Criminal Intent rerun that I remember seeing in '03 when my grandparents were still here, about schitzophrenic (I know that is horribly mis-spelled. I been drinking this evening. Canadian Club and Cherry Coke Zero--- these are the riches of the poor) homeless people who an eye-doctor is doing experiments on based on the idea that Van Gough didn't cut his ear off because he wanted to impress a prostitute who said he had pretty ears, but that he cut his ear off to silence the auditory hallucinations. Anyways, obviously, I've been pouring myself liberal Canadian Club (it was free from the lady up the street who can't drink anymore and was cleaning out her pantry) and Cherry Coke Zero (Oh, God, I see that I already mentioned that above), so, I digress. Anyways, that was a damn good episode. It brought back into foacus my long dormant obsession with Van Gough.

Help The Aged

Went on an interview today. Part of me is glad, but a far greater part of me feels incredibly depressed by the prospect of going back to work. The hours, if I get it, would be 11:30 to 8, and 10:30 to 7 on Fridays in Rosedale, which is much farther from Hampden, but at those times, atleast I wouldn't hit traffic. I don't know. I feel like that scene in Trainspotting where Mark and Spud remark that you have to try on an interview, but don't try too hard, because you might get the fucking job. I feel like I looked so horrible and haggard this morning, puffy and that, and I can't understand it. Not drinking to excess, and getting plenty of sleep. Don't smoke much, I don't know what it is. Aging s one of my biggest fears. I felt rather like not wanting to venture out into the world and have people see me today. Sometimes, I think that people look at me rather oddly. It's all quite disconcerting. Managed to work myself into a funk today. Ate way too much, since there is food in my house. Last night, Nick came over and we made burgers from one of the recipes in his Burger Book. Had to make some purchases for the recipe, so now there is the remainder of a loaf of Italian bread and some eggs, so I made stuff to accompany those things. Did virtually nothing today. Saw a bit of an archeological dig in Flanders Fields on the Military Channel, then been online looking at Pulp videos, trying to hear something off of the new British Sea Power (with little success), and now listening to Maximo whilst typing. Trying to decide if I want to go out later. It gets dark so early now, it feels much later. It's terribly depressing. It's only half past 7 now, but it feels atleast 9:30.

"My Worlds Are Colliding, In The Best Possible Way!"

Last night was "Turn the clocks back night," a.k.a. extra hour of bar time night. Club Charles was utterly packed the entire night, moreso than usual, and without the usual fluctuation in the crowds. We starting thinking that people must have come out in droves on account of "The Holiday (I kid you not. I actually heard someone last night refer to Daylight Savings as a holiday.)." It was pretty oppressive for a good portion of the night, backed into the corner of the upstairs bar, perched on the steps at one point, but we persevered. Funnily enough, the place began to clear out around half past one, so all of these party animals weren't even sticking it out till the extra hour. I was pretty tired, since we had started the evening early, around 9 at Ten Car Pile-Up to see Rob's band play. It was a wonderful, unexpected colliding of my worlds, with Steve and Rainey being there, along with other people from back then (Rob King, Tim Conneally), people who I genuinely miss seeing. Rainey and I seriously need to get together soon. I had several people say how pretty I looked last night, so I must have done something right (although this morning, I thought that I looked about a hundred years old.). Had a lovely little drink at Rocket with dinner last night called a Mashed Apple (bourbon, apple cider, and ginger beer). I could make that at home. I'll have to make some purchases from the liquor store this week. I finished Season 2 of Arrested Development. I wanted to start with Season One (obviously), but Hulu only has up one season at a time on the free site, so I had to start there. It's definitely something that ultimately I want to own in its tangible form, all three seasons. I made myself lunch about an hour ago, and now I think I'll go upstaris and take a nap, since I'm trying not to spend any money today (I wish I hadn't eaten that entire box of shells and cheese for lunch, by the way.). Boots has curled up one the couch next to me as I type this. Also, friday night was Lith Hall. It was awesome. Those Lithuainians know how to have a good time. Music was excellent, the place was packed, John Waters was there, drinks are cheap and strong, just sucks having to go to SoWeBo, but this time was definitely more fun and we stayed till they turned the lights on.

The Desire For Crisps

Got wifi coming in the house. Nothing new on the job front, but, eh? Listening to Clientele, "Bookshop Casanova (what a great title)". I really like it. Nick put the song "Since K Got Over Me" on a mix, saying he thought I'd really like them, that they remind him of The Auteurs (very close to my heart). Can't say he's wrong. Checked out some Luke Haines solo stuff on here yesterday. Very glad I bought this thing. Slowly crawling into the 21st century. Yesterday was supposed be my deliberately unproductive day (although, I actually did get some stuff done, funnily enough.). Took my red coat to be taken in. Unforturnately it's costing more to have it made smaller that the damn thing cost to begin with--- actually had one tailor tell me not to bother for that reason. But I really like this coat and have never really gotten to wear it owing to it being entirely too big, and there's no way to replace it, so I'm going ahead with the tailoring. Damn! How have I not heard of this band? I mean, I have HEARD OF them, but never HEARD them before. I'm hoping to catch up on my music now, so far out of the loop. Not like the old days when I really had my finger on the pulse. Of course, those were the days before bills, houses, jobs, boys, drinks, interacting directly with the world, and all that. Just me, a cd player, and funds exclusively for over-priced, imported British music magazines. Atleast I've got this computer to listen to stuff if not the means to burn mixes or an Ipod.

Gainful Unemployement

Well, I am unemployed at the moment. This time through no fault or initiative of my own (unless this whole "willing things into existance thing" is finally starting to work for me.). I was laid off last Tuesday. Switchboard Operator was eliminated for the entire company and so I was let go, with a small severance and the most heartfelt apologies from my boss, and the reiteration that this was in no way performance-related (again, a nice change, eh?). I signed up for unemployment, as well, and learned that I will receive somewhere around $600 or so every two weeks, which means enough to cover my mortgage (the most important thing). I also have the remainder of the first time homebuyer money, but it makes it difficult to be home and not spend money. I have been using the free wifi (as I am right now) at the Starbucks to check email and apply for jobs. I hope I find something soon, well, soon enough. I want something far less seditary. I would love to break into some entirely new field all together, but how does one do that, exactly? What I need is to stumble into something, to know someone to get my foot in the door, which is always how these things work. I've been trying to network, calling other offices I dealt with to say that I'm available if they have any openings or hear of anything. Networking, they call it. I have lists of things to get accomplished that have been pushed off to the backest of burners for so long, and I intend to get them all done. Can't say as I've looked for any work today, though, save for checking my email for any responses to the inquiries I made last week. There was nothing new. Just the generic, automated confirmation of receipt messages from the two hospitals I applied at online on Thursday.

Went out for Halloween on Saturday (Nick dressed up on Friday, as well, which was when Wind-up was doing their costume contest--- it's so nice to have been back there again the last two weekends. I do like that place and have missed it.). I dressed up on Saturday (flapper, again, of course, although this year with the addition of a cloche. Looking forward to see the photos. I have a feeling that I will end up getting on Facebook just out of necessity to see and download all of these pictures, although I do so love being contrary and living "off the grid." I'm also quite a fan of being "in the wind."). I was pleased with my costume, or atleast became so once I was out and started getting compliments from people. It occurred to me, as I wriggled into my historically inaccurate-length fringe drop-waist dress (too short), with stockings on and make-up applied, perhaps there isn't so much separating me from the "sirens" of Club, if only I put that sort of effort into it everyday (occasssionally, more than once a year.). Damn, I wish I could get a bartending job.

Nick was "The Embodiment of Irish Poetry". This was the title bestowed on him at Wind-up's Halloween party for his beautiful, vintage, bottle green corduroy suit that was his dad's. Don got it when they were in London in the late 60's. They got the flares and unwieldy lapels taken in, and lo and behold, there you have a gorgeous boy wearing a gorgeous suit, with both a MOD and rakish charm. He wore the bowler with it, which lent to the old-time, Irish poetry vibe (he also insisted on riding his bike to the bar on Saturday.). It was a lot of fun. Everybody was out (seriously, there were only like two people over the course of the weekend that we DIDN'T see.). Gave out candy last night (got hit by a deluge) then went to Lutherville to watch Boardwalk Empire (the naysayers can fuck-off.).