Days And Nights Of A Delinquent

Back to work today following my unceremonious and moderately unsettling suspension. I would have been terminated, but like death row inmates who get a stay of execution at the last minute, I got a special reprieve, the sternest of warnings, a two day suspension, and the unwavering promise that the next time I am late or call out, for an indeterminate amount of time, I am, indeed, fired. So with such a thing hanging over my head, I proceed onward.

I left at 9 am Tuesday, a bit in tears, went home and committed a good deal of the day to staying in bed, sleeping. I remembered that I had a hair appointment at 5 and discovered that we were on the last roll of toilet paper, so I stopped off at Target on the way to the salon, being very good and only purchasing toilet paper, laundry detergent, and a picture frame for the picture from Arcos of Nick kissing me, that has been sitting in its paper form on my bookcase for weeks. Got my hair done. She did an amazing job this time, much more consistant with her normal work. As I sat relating my laundry list of rubbish of late, it did sound rather shitty, yeah, it brought me down a bit. But I was glad to go home, rinse the loose hair off and get ready for dinner. Nick came down and we went to Gertrude's at the BMA. Been wanting to try that for a while, since on Tuesday's they do a reduced menu of most of their entree's for $12 (called Gertie's Cafe), and since Nick was off, we finally got to go. It was very good. I finally ordered salmon, which I enjoyed, although it would have been better without the sauce. Next time I will get the crab cake. I have had a taste for crab cakes for a long time now. The asparagus was on point, though, as was the delicious Caesar salad and bread. We got a bottle of Riesling, and I achieved a lovely form of tipsey, almost comparable to Champagne, which is a marvelous thing. Nick got a plate of barbequed pulled pork, which was very good, too. The time came for dessert. Chocolate and bourbon pecan pie and coffee-bourbon mudd cake. My God, very rich, but very, very good. We left feeling so stuffed, it was ridiculous. Lumbered our way to Ottobar and because we were so early (9:30), we commandeered a couch and sat slouched in food comas for a good while. Nick got some new clothes for work--- a gorgeous Calvin Klein blazer, which he wore that night, very slimming, a black Calvin Klein oxford, a pinstripe vest, and black trousers. It will be awesome to see the total package. Rob (no Angel) showed up a little while after us, and then Victor, Kyle, and Kristy later. Had a good time. Felt very good leaving knowing that I didn't have to go to work on Wednesday, albeit not under the best circumstances.

Felt good, atleast, that my plan for eating better this week has been followed, and we did not stop Monday or Tuesday at Subway on the way home. Monday I did not eat until dinner (Nick came over and we made three cheese tortolini and garlic bread before hitting Club Charles, where I had two very delicious espresso martini's.), Tuesday nothing till dinner at Gertrude's, yesterday nothing till 5 Guys after Nick got his hair cut, and then I did break down and go to Subway on the way home from Wind-up, mostly for absorbtion purposes. No Starbucks at all this week, and I actually feel better. Should keep such things as a treat, not an everyday affair, and since I haven't had the post-caffiene crash, I haven't had to gorge myself. I have been able to go all day before eating one decent meal.

Went for that test Monday. Have to call Tuesday for the biopsy results. Had to go to the MVA that afternoon to renew my tags (and liberate $128 from me.). Yesterday evening, Nick and I went to see Hamlet 2 with Steve Coogan, who I adore, at The Charles. It was hilarious and thoroughly offensive, and while there was definately stuff I could have done without, at its foundation was something with good intentions. Went to The Wind-up afterwards. Kept feeling like a Thursday, since Wednesday is Project Runway night (which I will have to catch the rerun of tonight). Nick is trying to go to a Ravens pre-season game tonight, and Carmin is unfortunately closing. Spent a good deal of last night at the bar trying to decide what to do with his B-day weekend, tomorrow especially. I think we have some good ideas.

We have said it a couple more times. Again, I would never want such a thing to be uttered too often, or to be merely an exercise, but the times that it has been said has made me so happy and it is what I want more than anything.

"It Must Be Historical, It Has Its Own Fountain And All!"

I go for that test in a couple of hours. All of the nerves and forboding I felt last Monday, that I tried really hard to set aside last week, have returned, and I am sure nothing good will come out of it. Mom and Tony are still stuck in West Virginia, till atleast tomorrow. The natives are getting restless. I am not in that great of shape right now.

This was a very busy weekend. Friday night there was a B-day part for Joe at Frazier's, which was fun and I wouldn't have minded staying longer, but Nick wanted to go over this other party on Barclay (the site of the police shoot-out that took place during our extended first date.). There wasn't that much going on there, well, there was a lot going on, but not much that interested me. If you've been to one punk house party, you've been to them all (although this one was considerably more urban, what with the neighbours dropping by.). Anyways, we left there and since Rob and Angel and all had left Frazier's by that time, we went to The Wind-up. Despite my protests, we stopped at Subway (well, what I mean is, despite my insistance of, "Nothing for me," Nick kept up till I relented.) Took those home to have some Walker's--- the Prawn Crisps were disgusting, which probably should not have come as such a surprise. I'm going to need to order more already. Woke up and remembered that Nick was there, which made me very happy.

Saturday we went to Philly to go to Cuba Libre. We got different dishes this time, and unfortunately weren't terribly over-joyed, so next time we will stick with what we know we like, and try that tapas place, defo. Still, the Cuban coffee was on point, as were our cocktails at Continental after dinner. Walked back to South Street, checked out Repo Records. I didn't get anything, surprisingly, but Nick got this new band called Low vs Diamond, which is really quite good, and bought for me The Swell Season. That was unexpected, but it was nice of him. Went in Tattoo Mom's for one drink before heading back to Baltimore in what seemed like one of the longest trips of my life. Maybe it was because for most of the drive I had to pee with increasing urgency, or because I was getting tired, but I didn't think we'd ever get back. We drove straight from Philly to The Wind-up where two of Chrissy's bands were playing, although we did miss one of them, it was nice to see several of the same people we'd seen the night before. We left not too long after though (Rob and Angel left before us because she was really tired, too.). I was so glad to crawl in bed and pass out.

Didn't really get to sleep in too late Sunday since we had tickets to the O's game that my Mom couldn't use (being that they are trapped in West Virginia.). Took the Lightrail from North Avenue. I think my nose may have gotten sunburned haha. Met Nick's parents in Hampden. We were trying to go to The Dogwood, but it was inexplicably closed, so we went to Golden West. I am definatley getting the quesadillas next time I go there. Miss Debbie got them and they looked awesome. I had my last hurrah of fatty foods, and last matter to be consumed for a long while period last night at that dinner, because this week starts an intense and fiercely committed effort to lose all of this gross, disgusting, uncomfortable fucking weight I've put on, not even the stuff since Nick and I started dating and I've been much happier, but the extra shit I've put on I'd say in the last two weeks from all of the fast food and shit. I think I'm heavier now than I was last year before I lost it all. It will be a year later next Monday, since Rob left and I began dropping that twenty pounds, and I refuse to abandon that dream (of being thinner). I think I have figured out part of the problem is drinking Starbucks at lunch, since it causes a crash which then makes me gorge myself at dinner. Also, boredom at work or at home, in which I will eat to have soemthing to do and to treat myself. I find that on the weekends or when I am off of work, I can go all day without eating, without even being terribly hungry, and certainly without that horrible ravenous, shaky feeling which results in feeling faint and over-eating. I'm trying now to just not consume anything at all. No coffee or drinks or anything, till I eat one meal a day (before going out), and then enjoy myself on the weekends or when I have someone to dine with. This time this is going to work. It's actually physically uncomfortable the way I am right now.

Nick left last night after we got back from dinner. I went to bed pretty early, after Allen came over from work. He and Carmin I think turned in soon after. I slept pretty well, woke feeling well-rested, although I did have some unsettling dreams about going for my test today. Yesterday, when Nick was getting ready to leave, he said he hoped my test went ok today ("Even if it is partly my fault.") and that I would be ok. I was surprised that he remembered or thought to say that, needless to say, it made me very glad that he did. I really hope it all turns out alright. I wished him good luck with his pre-orientation-orientation today. I have asked off now for Wednesday since there is no conference, and I already have off for Friday and Monday for Labour Day.

I need to call Bicycle to make reservations for Saturday and make a hair appointment, too. I know I can't really afford to get my hair dyed, but it is looking rough, and I really wasn't pleased with the cut this time, either. I liked how when I was going over all the things I had to do today and in what order, Nick imparted, "Go to Club Charles."

I Think That I Just Fell In Love With You

Last night was a lot of fun. When Nick got off work, we went to The Wind-up. Russell was playing The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, although I didn't get to see much of it after the first initial frames, since Victor met us there with Joe Red, and Rob and Angel stopped in in between bands they were seeing at Joe Squared (which is appearently open again--- I still want to try their pizza.). I was told that tonight should be a busy night, since there is a surprise B-day party and another regular B-day party to attend, one at Frazier's, the other at the house on Calvert, I imagine, but don't know for sure. Wore my Fred Perry shirt last night, finally. Been dragging my feet, initally because it's just too good, but then, once I tried it on, I discovered that although it is the same size as the black and gold one I returned (which is supposed to convert to a ladies small, size 4-6), it's actually considerably bigger than the other one, not exactly flattering, even given my increased mass. I even thought yesterday maybe it would fit better, that I'd fill it out more, as it were, but it's still really big. I decided just to wear it anyways, hoping it will shrink. Yep, all the fast food of last weekend, and my consumption for the week has definately caught up with me. Fuck. I really would like to lose atleast something by next week, on account of it being a year from when I lost it to begin with. The funny thing is that yesterday after work, I made this long trek downtown to return those adorable sailor capris to Urban Outfitters, since Urban's size 4 is considerably smaller than Gap or Express' size 4, and once I was down there and hungry as shit for dinner, I decided to go over to Fell's for my fish and chips at Slainte. How ironic, how self-defeating, but, my God, how good!! Oh, totally on point, really enjoyed it. Had two totally unnecessary vodka and diets (I feel funny sitting at the bar ordering food and then not ordering an alcoholic beverage, atleast one, being that I am sitting AT the bar, as opposed to a table. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself.), and left the pub fairly tight, making my way down Thames Street to Soundgarden. It is always strange to be drunk when it is light out. In fact, it was a little odd driving past all these places I so frequently see at night yesterday, in daylight. Lost track of time listening to music and bumming around the record store till I got a call from Victor around 8, and I determined I needed to get my ass home. Made two purchases, fortuitously used cd's, Tom Waits' Closing Time and Rain Dogs. Yes, I have become a fan. Not all of it, obviously, but there are truly some gems, incredible songwriting (just flat out WRITING, storytelling, brilliant--- like Bukowski, but more consistant.) I think I will get Blue Valentine next, since that has been so highly recommended to me. Nick made a new mix, which we listened to while we were out, then as he was ejecting it, the cd player switched over to the other cd in it, and Nick heard the first strains of Singapore, and insisted on putting it back on and we sat there listening to several songs, including Ol' '55, which Nick said is another song of his for me, I guess the whole driving home theme of it, and we both said how fucking good I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You is, and listening to it, how strikingly appropriate and spot-on it is to our first meeting at Ottobar. It's such a lovely song, and as soon as I heard it, I made up in my mind that I was buying the cd. It's his first album, much less raspy, a good introduction to Tom Waits, I would say, even though there are several other more recent songs that kind of sold me initially. Anyways, listening to that song, Nick said something along the lines of, "Look what happened, I did," or something, implying that he had fallen in love with me, which was something in and of itself, and I hugged him a little harder, trying to stress that I was glad that he'd said that, and that I reciprocated, then he said it in full, that he is in love with me, that he loves me. I can't remember the exact wording of it, but I just sat there, hugging him, before I said it back, feeling so much different than when I said it to Rob (the only other time I have ever said it. It's not something I take lightly or go around using without meaning, or would ever want used without meaning to me or be premature.), Nick then saying, 'I can't believe I broke down and said it, I held out as long as I could, but I said it, and said it first." I said, yeah, that we had said so many times that neither one of us was going to say it, or say it first, but there we did, and he said somehow he had to say it. I don't want to make a big deal about it, or get my hopes up or anything, but it is completely what I want more than anything, for him to feel that way. I don't want to say it too much. After sitting in the car, me of course crying, trying to play it off as just being effected by the song, we went in the house, Nick breaking the sentimentality by announcing that he had to piss (because he has to keep SOME credibility haha), and otherwise, we would have been sitting out there all night. Again, I am not getting all over the top or getting my hopes up, but I am very thankful and really want it more than anything. He said it again when he left, when I said it, I felt no different, prehaps because I have been thinking it for a while and it, to me, does not feel forced or false.

We are trying to go to Philly tomorrow or Sunday, haven't decided which yet, and try Dogwood for dinner the day we don't. I wish now that I had kept my week's vacation for next week, but I am off next Friday and then Monday for Labour Day. Still want to get him a little something, may venture to Hampden for that dagger tie from 9th Life. I am hungry and not wanting to get any fucking fatter, but hear the damn Chik-Fil-A calling out to me from the mall, if not that then Einstein's--- what's a girl to do? Atleast we did not hit the Subway or anthing last night (despite the intention of going sometime soon to Valentino's--- I have a taste for creamed chip beef so bad.). I will be so glad to get out of here today and see that beautiful boy. This weekend will be the little respite before I have to go for that test on Monday and find out if I am, in fact dying, or to what degree.

Tostitos, Wife-Swapping, and Drag Queens

So yesterday when I got off of work, instead of returning those pants to Urban Outfitters, or even stopping by the cleaners on the way home to see about getting that shirt altered, I came straight home and proceeded to consume four pounds of Tostitos and salsa. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but I ate a lot of it, partly because I accidently poured too much salsa into a Tupperware bowl, and felt like I was obligated to finish it. Carmin came in to find me sitting on the sofa with very unflattering posture, gorging. Atleast I wasn't resting the bowl of salsa on my stomach, so I've held pride on that. I was just so hungry, felt like my sugar dropped or something. Probably the post-Starbucks crash. That's why I had decided to eat something that took no prep time whatsoever, I literally sat my purse down, flipped on Judge Judy, and got to eating. I dosed off sometime later, woke up to the mild-mannered sounds of BBC World News, and decided to give my digestive system a challenge. I had a little of that coffee hazelnut ice cream (so cheap, but such great quality.). Didn't feel anything even suggesting conflict, leading me to believe sometimes maybe it's psychological whether food or combinations of foods don't agree with me. Felt rather like a pig, however, when Project Runway was on, I had three pretzel rods. Damn it!! I can't for the life of me understand how when I am not in work, I can go the whole day, or damn near the whole day, not only without eating--- and functioning just fine, but not even thinking about it--- not being consumed by the need to stuff my gob, as it were. Another pyschological thing, must be. Who knows, though, I may be dying now, so I may lose all kinds of weight. As much as I want to, I don't want to lose it that way.

Anyways, last night was incredibly lazy, all television all night. With the exceptions of Trading Spouses (or Wife Swap, I can never tell which is which. They're both the same except one has both sets of parents meet eachother at the end, and the other just has the wives.) and Project Runway, television sucked. I'm feeling like Project Runway is phoning it in this season. I mean, it's the last one on Bravo, so it should be a big deal, but the challenges have been uninspired, or reguritated from previous seasons at best. It feels forced, either like they are trying TOO hard, and it's just not genuine, or they just can't be bothered. Even last night's challenge, design an outfit for a drag queen, which was a cool idea, had its moments, but was kind of blah, and this was one of the better episodes this season. There is so much rubbish on. MTV2 actually had music videos on the guide listing, but what that equated to was one shitty video from a shitty band flanked by ten minutes of fucking commercials (oh, there was that MTV News thing about a new Brandy single--- when did SHE become relevant?--- prompting Carmin to quip that Brandy is, in fact, Pocohantas' mummy, which I thought was a perfect summation.). The other gem of the evening was that it would be more appopriate to refer to television nowadays as "The Quandry Box."

I decided to turn in, but not before having to get introduced to the characters on Queer As Folk, which she's now been watching, perplexed but intrigued. Seriously, where are the gay people with boring lives? Surely there aren't REALLY flashing lights and house music ALL the time if you're gay.

Trying to go to Urban after work. That should take up the whole evening, driving downtown at rush hour. I suppose I won't get my laundry done then. I will be glad to see Nick later. The Wind-up has it's Public Domain movies tonight, but Fletcher's is doing an Underground-esque night now, too, which I wouldn't mind checkng out, either. Drinks are probably cheaper at The Wind-up, though.

Monday when I went to lunch, I got some not so good news of a medical nature. I have to wait until next Monday to determine how dire the situation is, but needless to say, I have been rather a basketcase. I was in full shaking-chain-smoking-crying-I-am-surely-on-the-edge-of-death-mode, now I am slightly less so. Nick tried really hard to cheer me up and convince me that I am alright, or will be, terribly sweet, I just hate that I have cried in front of him the times I have, and that stupid, serious stuff has had to interfere when I really aim now not to have everything be so drama-laden and doom and gloom as it had been so frequently over the years with Rob. Also, of course, there is my requisite reaction of feeling like I am being punished for being a bad person, for doing something wrong, that something always has to go wrong. After everything I had tried to do right with Rob, or what I thought was right, that ended up being wrong, and lead, in part, to our demise, I changed my attitude, felt like I learned a lot, and now feel so much different, and have been still, as always, trying to do what is right, and feeling now like that, too, is wrong. Am I being punished now for going in the opposite direction? Not that it is the polar opposite or anything by any means extreme. I just feel like I am being called out, or that because I have been happy, something has to go wrong and the proverbial rug has to be pulled out from under me. I hope that it resolves, I am so thankful for the blessings I have and I only want to do the right thing.

That said, shrouded in secrecy and hopefully impermiable to interpretation, Monday night, once I stopped crying, we went to Club Charles since they reopened after two weeks, and that was very nice. They put some new cd's in the jukebox, including a Tom Waits compilation, so I played The Long Way Home, which is terribly beautiful, and Nick and I sat at the bar, him singing it to me, and me struggling to keep my tears to a minimum. I can't help it, it's a very moving song, and I am very glad to have been turned on to his stuff because some of it is so brilliant. I'd pretty much made up in my mind that I was going to call out the next day. I was too upset and I appreciated Nick trying to cheer me up and honestly, didn't especially want to end the evening. We stayed at the bar till close, then hit the Subway, bringing the food back to eat some Walker's with it, mucking about, goofing off in the livingroom till like 4 in the morning, before going upstairs. Called my boss when I got up to take my pill, went back to bed, and slept till 11, which was lovely. Nick got a call from Sheppard Pratt that he officially has the job and set up his pre-orientation to fill out paperwork and get a drug test for next Monday while he is off, and then his proper orientation to really start on September 8. So he got to give his two weeks to UPS yesterday, which thrilled him to no end. I'm very happy and excited for him. After he left to head home, I went to the grocery store and Target. Made myself a lovely dinner later--- spinach and cheese tortolini tossed with white truffle olive oil, black pepper, basil, and parmesan, with grape tomatoes, a little bit of shaved red onion, and what was left of a red pepper. I arranged it on the plate and even took a picture of it, I was so proud. Totally looked like something off of Top Chef. I really want to do more stuff like that. See the wonderful things I can accomplish when I don't go to work? I think I'd like to get some new dishes, though, since the ones we have are too loud and gaudy and when I took that picture, it was hard to distinguish between the food and the pattern on the plates. Something a little more simple I think. Anyways, hadn't eaten up to that point yesterday, but then I did follow it up with a little of the coffee-hazelnut ice cream I got (also got Starbucks coffee ice cream for Nick) and a couple of Triscuts later on in the evening. Fatness.

Everybody and their brother was out at Ottobar last night. We met up with Rob and Angel and Joe and Laurie, who we got to talk to Victor for a bit. Him and Kyle and Kristy were there, too. It was a lot of people to talk to, but nice. Glad I have some friends to introduce around and all. Stayed till they turned the lights on and kicked us all out, then stopped at--- you'll never guess where--- Subway!! Nick said something about us living together eventually, which is nice that he would want that, but at the same time, I am wary because of knowing how that changes a relationship, as it did with Rob and I, and I wouldn't want to have things like that again.

Tonight is Project Runway--- the drag queen episode, which should be fierce haha! I will be glad to see Nick tomorrow. The weekend is approaching, want to try Dogwood and go to Philly to either Cuba Libre or this tapas place Nick insists we have been past a dozen times up there, but I can't place for the life of me.

Back to work after a too-short weekend. Friday night Angel texted me about some show at The Nerve Center where friends of hers from Brooklyn were playing, but neither of us were in the mood for that, so we hit Rocket for a drink, ultimately winding up at The Wind-up--- how clever of me haha--- trying to convince Rob and Angel to meet us there after their show. Nick drove, which was nice, although I actually think I may have gotten slightly more tipsy, atleast for a while, on Thursday. Anyways, appearently both Laurie and Victor think the other is cute, so going to try to organise another outing prehaps. Somehow our bills at this place, despite Natty Boh upon Natty Boh and vodka and diet upon vodka and diet, end up at something like $14. It's rather brilliant. It was so nice to sleep in on Saturday, finally getting out of the house around three. Would have been sooner, but there was a lovely sort of delay, which coincidently lead to a surprisingly simulataneous arrival (oh, my obliquely veiled innuendos). Nick's parents gave us their pre-season Ravens tickets (the first football game I've ever been to, although I've been told it's just a taste and regular season games are far more intense. I'm completely bewildered anyways.). Nick made lunch (chicken tortolini, I prefer the three cheese, but it was alright, and then I had a rather signifigant bowl of cherries.). Left my car at the Lutherville Lightrail and rode to the stadium. I do love riding on trains and subways and any of that. I live the motion and rumble (although the high-pitched squeal of metal grinding against metal is both cringe-inducing and slightly disconcerting.), and seeing everything go by. I realise that I am not nearly as familiar with the west side as I am with the rest of the city, or indeed as I probably should be. There is probably a good reason for this, prehaps in the crime-addled nature of said west-side, although that could be said for the entire city, and that hasn't stopped me. Anyways, riding down Howard street, looking at all the old department stores in the once bustling shopping district of our fair city, makes me so sad, as all dilapidated buildings tend to do, and so curious about how they once were. It's definately cool riding the train and then not having fight for parking or through traffic when the game is over. We have an idea for the next time we go down there for a game, to park at the North Avenue stop, or another stop in the city, take the train to the game, then that way be able to go elsewhere in the city afterwards since the car will already be there. When we got out of the game, we wanted to go to The Wharf Rat by the Convention Center, but the damn kitchen had just closed when we got there, so no fish and chips were to be had, unfortunately. Instead, Nick had a beer and then we went back to Lutherville, where we got the car. Had to make due with Burger King, which my body didn't seem to appreciate very much, as we drove back into the city to go to The Wind-up--- for the third night in a row. I really like it there, and it was nice hanging out just Nick and I. Left at closing, surprisingly sober, but very tired. It's funny the joy that can be felt simply by knowing that you get to sleep in the next day. Sleep in we did, started the day off right, then hit Druid Hill. Nick, of course, did much more rigourous exercise than me, although after all the damn fast food I've had this week, I should have done more. I'll just be more mindful of my intake. Enjoyed looking out over the city from the hill, pointing out all the places we could see. Awesome view. Back to Nick's afterwards where his parents were having pizzas and cake and ice cream for his brother and Barrett going back to their respective colleges. We saw a documentary on The Pet Shop Boys which was really cool. Dinner was really good, sat watching Myth Busters on the sofa for a while, before we went back to mine for Nick to get his car and then go back. Had a good time.

Club Charles reopens tonight, so I'm excited about that.

Getting into work today was a real challenge, as I suspect getting to 4:30 will be, as well. Went out yesterday evening. Nick got out of work very early, armed with two paychecks, his regular one for the week, as well as his vacation check for the end of the month, and asked if I wanted to get dinner with him. I, in the mean time, was over my Mom's grudgingly doing my laundry (anticipating my clothes ending up covered in cat hair and just pissed about the time out of my own house that I have to devote to doing laundry.), so I let the washer run while I went back t mine to take a shower and get dressed, then ran back over to put the stuff in the dryer. I will, in turn, have to run the dryer a couple of minutes to get the wrinkles out and bring my stuff home now today when I go over. Nick and I went to Owl Bar for dinner, a dinner that I didn't REALLY need, since I had eaten throughout the entire day, and had had a bowl of cereal and cheese and crackers when I got home from work a few hours before, but the prospect of dinner with him at my favourite place, on gift certificate was too good to pass up. Unfortunately, it proved to be the most lackluster experience I have ever had at Owl Bar. First, Nick insisted on trying the oysters ("They're an aphrodesiac!" he said, "Like your libito needs any help!" was my retort.), which, as I could have told him, were gross (the texture is so off-putting. I refused to try them. I know they are wretched.). Luckily, I mentioned that they were gritty and ended up getting them removed from the bill. He got fish and chips, which he said was pretty good, but not amazing. I also thought the portion was kind of skimpy. I didn't feel hungry enough to get the steak, but wanted to try something different from my normal (and all-time favourite) margeurita pizza, so I tried this saffron chicken, with mashed potatoes and vegetables, with little success. Why didn't I get salmon? Really didn't enjoy it. The chicken, while boneless, had its skin still on, so that had to be removed, the vegetables were ridiculously undercooked and bland, and even the mashed potatoes, which I so enjoyed when they gave them to Nick the last time we were there, and was looking forward to most, were not that great. All in all, it just wasn't up to snuff. Hopefully the next time we go (for there is still another $50 certificate), the place will be awesome. Following that, we headed down to The Wind-up, where Laurie met us a little later, and Victor a while after that. It was a lot of fun, always good to hang out with Victor, although I do recognise that the words Mr. Farley need never escape from my lips, because even though I have no preoccupation with him, and am very fortunate to be where I am now, I do talk about him a lot to people who know the scoop, even if anything I say is pretty much a mild form of shit-talking. Really glad to have turned two more people onto the place, it's really cool. Victor was just thrilled that they make a delicious $4 Manhattan. We stayed till close, brought my Betty Boop dvd, but there was a guy singing, so I told Russell next time we come he can run it if he wants. Made our way home, and then Nick left for his, since it was so late, and as much as I wanted him to stay and call out today, I figured I shouldn't on account of there being a stupid conference I had to relay information on today. Nick said that he will be all mine for the weekend and I am very glad. It was incredibly hard getting up to come in here today, the few short hours later, with a headache, eyes that seemed incapable of opening fully, and then, having to stop for gas, getting here by the grace of God at 7:59. Had to drink a Pepsi to rejuvinate, which is a shame, because I prefer Coke, and I don't even drink regular soda ever now.

I have found that by eating breakfast, I set myself up to be ravenous all day, and eat seemingly constantly. Had a granola bar yesterday around 9 or 10, then a bagel and cream cheese for lunch, my iced triple mocha, then the cereal and cheese and saltines for dinner, or what I intended to be my dinner, then the meal at Owl Bar. Today I am trying to hold out till lunch and just get coffee, then have dinner (not sure what). I really felt better this week, hope yesterday won't out us back too far.

I will be so glad to get out of here, run over my Mom's get my laundry, and spend the rest of the evening taking a nap or doing something similarly lethargic. I will be glad to see Nick and sleep in. Totally want to hit Druid Hill for real this weekend. We had a really good conversation about literature yesterday, since I mentioned a list on The Guardian UK website of their top one hundred books. We just named ones back and forth, who was on there, who wasn't, one's you were shocked were passed over, one's you were suprised were included. I like conversing about such things with him.

Took off yesterday. It was lovely. Monday night, the feeling of knowing, at 2 o'clock in the morning, that I would not have to be up in a couple of hours, is absolutely wonderful. Being that Club Charles is still closed this week, we met up with Rob at Frazier's. I only had two drinks, but my God, did Morgan make them strong. Was very proud, however, about changing my mind about stopping at Subway on the way home. The rest of the evening (early morning, actually) was quite enjoyable, making up for lost time as it were. Fell asleep, woke up several hours later to find all the lights still on, and feeling the soaring of spirit that only comes from the knowledge that one does not have to go to work that day. Slept in so late---after one it was when we woke (getting to sleep in till 9 is such a treat for me, this was extreme sleeping in!), close to three by the time we actually got out of the house and to Checkers for lunch. Since I've been doing better with eating and seeing improvement, remarkably, I didn't feel bad about eating there. Actually, I enjoyed it immensely. Oh, Checker's Fries!! Every once in a while is ok. Nick left to get ready for work and I got some errands done. Spent the rest of the day debating whether or not to hang my flag in my room ( decided it's too junky. If I could find an even smaller one, maybe), listening to Tom Waits, and admiring my beloved possessions, before retiring downstairs to read while Cole ran around like a little maniac. That little dog is so cute. I feel so bad leaving him home and having to keep him in the crate when I go to work. Hopefully Carmin will let him out a little bit today. Mom doesn't come back from vacation till Sunday, not sure what that is going to mean for Nick and I trying to go up to Philly this weekend one day to Cuba Libre (been too long.).

There is going to be a blizzard--- Carmin and Allen actually came out to Ottobar last night. It was really nice, even though I could tell Carmin was dying a slow death. Allen and Creepy Paul were in the same room, to the shock and amazement of all present. Had fun dancing with Nick, Morrissey hands were in full effect!! I like when everybody starts dancing upstairs, it really harkens back to the original Underground days. Stopped at Subway on the way home at Nick's insistance. Unfortunately, he couldn't stay since he was going to try to see Dark Knight (for the fourth time!!) with his dad and brother this afternoon. I hope I can be off again soon. It was quite nice to sleep in, "make up for lost time", and get lunch, not to mention get errands and a good deal of reading done.

Tonight is Project Runway. Hope to see Nick tomorrow. I hope I can remember to take my Betty Boop DVD next time we go to The Wind-up.

Back to work today, regrettably. Friday night attended that party, which almost managed to be drama-free. Thankfully, said drama passed. I unfortunately didn't get to see much of Nick this weekend on account of Virgin Fest. Saturday he went with his dad, which I think is fairly adorable. Carmin and I went to Fells for coffee Saturday morning and bummed around in Trixie's Palace and Soundgarden, where I made a couple of cool purchases. One was this really cool metal sacred heart to hang on my wall, and a t-shirt (which is way too long and I will have to hem up, but is super cool. Has like a pulp novel cover drawing of a girl and says something about delinquents.). Finally broke down and bought Tom Waits' Orphans, but I haven't listened to it yet. It was awesome to hang out with Carmin like we used to. Went back home and took the puppy out for a while. Then headed over to Nick's to clean out his car. What a disaster area, but I got it sorted out. His mom got me a new book called "Notes From A Small Island," about the author's travels around England. I thought that was really nice, and I got her a couple little things to sit around the house as a Thank You for taking me to dinner with them and the earrings and all. Went back home, let the dog out for a while, then hit Urban Outfitters. I was a total retail slut haha. But the stuff I got at Urban was all on sale--- a pair of double button front capris, sailor pants, I have always wanted a pair of those, two pairs of underwear, and a little book about sexual deviancy. Very pleased with my purchases. Went back home and read before a very tired Nick came down following the concert. We went to Sonar's free post-Virgin Fest afterparty, met Rob and Angel and Laurie, and randomly ran into Victor and Kyle, which was most fortuitous. The drama ensued between Rob and Angel, I think everything finally came to a head about their non-relationship relationship, and I still think Angel should have conducted herself differently, but it's none of my business really. I was just sorry Rob decided to take a cab home instead of letting us drive him. But other than that, it was fun. Really good to hang out with Victor and Kyle, although I forgot to mention to Victor about getting those Paul Weller tickets. Have to tell him tomorrow at Ottobar. He's completley friendly towards Nick now, which is awesome. We went to The Sip and Bite afterwards with Christina and Tyler. I was sorry Nick had to go home to be able to leave in the morning for Virgin Fest. I missed getting to sleep next to him this weekend. Yesterday I went to lunch with Dad and Mary at Outback, then down Mom's to feed the cats, and later on, to see Brideshead at The Charles. I must say, I really enjoyed it, despite the liberties taken with the book, the condensing and simplifying of plot and theme, as a separate entity, especially, it is very good, while not perfect, but there are definate flashes of brilliance, as I suspected. Visually, it was gorgeous, the clothes, the castle, not necessarily the girl playing Julia (didn't think she was all that pretty.), but it was enjoyable. Left me feeling a little contemplative driving home, intensified, no doubt, by having come out of the movie and seeing Club Charles all dark and shut up, still closed this week, unfortunately. Very strange and surreal to see.

Drove home in silence, smoking and contemplating divine mysteries. Went to bed, sleepily texting Nick about the movie, his concert and aching feet, and our mutual need to rest and have plenty of energy this evening, wink wink nudge nudge.

In Suburbia

I awoke today with what, I believe, is commonly referred to as a hangover. Had a fun evening last night with Nick at Wind-up. It was pretty empty, but still fun. Drinks are pretty cheap and that guy Russell is cool. Nick and I got in many discussions, movies, food, all sorts of stuff.I had four drinks. Got pretty drunk for a little while, but fine by the time we left. There was a douchebag who belonged in Fell's Point had to be kicked out for being loud and argumentative over, of all things, a Rubix Cube. There was a Green Turtle somewhere short some water and vinegar. Nick looked particularly gorgeous last night, white oxford with rolled sleeves, the new Calvin Klein jeans, and his hat, and he'd just shaved, giving him an even more youthful appearence. He made a new mix, lots of gems, Libertines, Babyshambles, Pet Shop Boys, Depeche Mode, Hank Williams, Sam Cooke, Dusty Springfield, and Tom Waits--- "I'll Never Let Go Of Your Hand," which I know is one of his favourites, and said one of the most wonderful things I've ever heard, "I could see this becoming my song for you." I almost started tearing up, had to try hard not to, drving down Perring Parkway to turn onto Taylor, and driving on to the house,him having taken my hand in his. That was after we'd heard Death Cab's new single, "Cath," which, as I said to Nick, would have rung even more true for me this year, but he said it was all part of the plan. I feel so much different and more intensely than I ever have before. There is this high pitched humming in my room, started last night while I was taking my nap before we went out. I thought it was from a truck or something outside, but I think it may be from the satalite dish, not that I've ever heard of anything like that, but it is driving me nuts now, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. I'm hoping it will not be doing it when I get home today.

I'm glad it's the weekend, but there are a couple things I'm not too terribly excited about. Mom and Tony go down to Chinquategue for a week tomorrow, so I will have to go over everyday to feed the cats (all but Sim, who they are boarding with Betty and Niles, since he has an eye infection and needs antibiotics twice a day.) and Cole will be staying at my house. I'm kind of excited about having him, I just hope he doen't bark or mess on the floor too much. But he is so cute and it will fun maybe to take him out with us, he atleast is so small, I can carry him no problem. Tonight is that party I'm not too terribly keen to go to, but I will be sociable. During the day tomorrow and Sunday, well, into the evening, too, is Virgin Fest, so I will be running the streets in my solitary splendour, which isn't a bad thing. I want to hit a couple places. Finally heard from Dad. Supposed to be seeing them for lunch on Sunday.

Nick said his mom has something for me, what, I can't imagine, but they have given me so much as it is, the certificate for Owl Bar for us watching the dogs, and paying for dinner for us those two times, and the earrings from when they went to Puerto Rico. I really would like to get them a little something. I want to clean out his car, too. Oh, I forgot to say that I placed an order with British Delights yesterday, for more crisps (unfortunately, the Walker's Sensations Roast Chicken and Thyme are still out.) and a red phone box bank like the one I brought back from London for Mary. I wonder in retrospect now, why the hell I didn't buy more souvenirs for myself. Anyways, I will be glad to get out of here and see Nick later.

There Are Two Colours In My Head

I just purchased tickets to see Paul Weller at 9:30 Club in September. Nick saw it just announced yesterday. It's kind of like Jonathan Richman was, it's an opportunity to see someone of importance, although I do hope he plays atleast some of the classic (Jam) gems. Need to start thinking about what to get him for his B-day the end of this month. Granted, I spend a lot to begin with, but I'm hoping to find maybe a really cool shirt or another Tom Waits record or something. Anyways, went over his parents' after work yesterday and learned that his parents were on their way home, so after hanging out for a bit chatting with them when they got in, I left when Nick left for work. I had been looking forward to staying over again and all, but it was nice to get ready for Two For Tuesdays in my own home. I did tell Nick what I was planning on doing was ordering pizza and cheesy bread from Papa Johns while he was at work so it would be there when he got home, but some other time. His parents got us another Owl Bar certificate for watching the dogs, which was very nice of them. So now we have two of those, so two separate Owl Bar excursions to be had! When I left Nick's, I went home and found that Carmin and Allen were going to see a sneak preview of Pinapple Express with Rob and Melanie at The Charles, so I headed to White Marsh to go to Target and to get something for dinner. I initially was going to go to Noodles or Ledo, but then decided I really wanted a salad (and it would be wiser, only slightly, only slightly) so I went to Panera and had a Caesar Salad, then to Target for a few things. I saw a t-shirt that said Princeton on it, so I had to buy that, since I've always wanted to attend Princeton and wearing something from there's about the closest I'm going to get haha. Came home and got ready. Ottobar was fun, although it did descend into a rather drama filled evening, not pertaining to us though, luckily. There ended up being a lot of people out, Rob Soma and Joe from Chrissy's band, Laurie, then, unexpectedly, Christina, Cyntia, and Tyler. I had a really interesting conversation with Joe about being exceptional children and then losing it. I told Nick later that I felt bad for talking to him so much, I hadn't noticed how incredibly drunk Rob had become and when he was ready to go, all this ensued with everyone not wanting him to drive and Rob getting more adament that he was driving. Him and Joe left and Nick and I drove by the house and made sure they got home, which thankfully they did, and Rob did text Nick to say as much. Christina made a couple remarks about Nick's drinking that I didn't really agree with and I tried to say he wasn't so bad, but then I figured she'd just think I didn't know anything and maybe it wasn't my place, so I bit my tongue. I wanted to say something about that and some other utterances to Nick, but I decided to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to start any trouble, although I guess if it got brought up in conversation I would mention it. I was glad to head home, stopping at Subway. Nick says I HAVE to be more decisive about things and not always defer to him. I just try to be accomodating, but I will make more concrete assertions when it comes to stuff like where we eat, if we eat, that sort of thing. That damn Subway is just too good in the early morning hours. That Jared lost all that weight eating Subway, I should be skinny as a rail!!

Nick said he was going to call to check on Rob and I said he was a good friend. I really could see the genuine concern he had for him last night. I don't think I've ever seen Nick that bothered actually by something, and it did show a level of compassion that was impressive. Stood out on the sidewalk in front of the house making out for a good while. I do love kissing that kid.

Project Runway tonight. Hope Carm will be home to hang out. Bought some Life cereal yesterday, that will be my dinner. Still think I would just need two days, just two days of fasting, get over that initial stretch, get some progress and maintain from there. If only I could call out. Shite. I hope Rob is feeling better and not having too much of a breakdown, existential crisis. He is by far my favourite of any of Nick's friends. I could have stood on that sidewalk all night.

The Earth Shall Burn, But We Will Quiver

The dogsitting went well so far I think. Got to Nick's after work. He got the job at Sheppard Pratt!! He starts training around the 18th and he even gets paid whilst getting trained. He said his having Asberger's seemed to close the deal for him. After he left for work, I made myself some three cheese tortolini tossed in white truffle olive oil with pepper and fresh basil and a little grated parmesan--- and some Goldfish, as well. Took Mac and Maggie out for a walk, then took a little snooze on the sofa. Fed them in their respective crates, then let them out again. Dinner at Eight was on, so I watched a good deal of that, till Nick came home, then we watched Cold Comfort Farm, which I had never seen, despite it being British, taking place in the 1930's and dealing with class distinction, among other things. It was very enjoyable, featuring a pompous and rather silly Stephen Fry exclaiming, " I am engorgedly in love with you!!" Best line ever. We cracked up at that for the rest of the night. Then there was a documentary on the Independent Film Channel about the MPAA and the members who are unknown to the public. The sentiment in this country certainly seems to be much more liberal on violence, but don't dare show people having sex, even if they love eachother. It's very different in Europe. Quite the opposite. Anyways, I started dozing off during that, so I settled on the sofa andNick got stretched out on the loveseat and the dogs in their crates. It was strange sleeping there, on separate sofas, but still, I am glad to be there. When I got up this morning, got dressed and sat next to him to say I was getting ready to leave, he pulled me back, and I laid my head on his chest, and I obviously wanted not to leave. I said we will celebrate him getting the job tonight at Two For Tuesdays.

White Wine and Sleeping Pills

Getting a late start on this entry today. Computer went kaput on Friday afternoon and been waiting till now to get it up and hopefully running again. My weekend actually didn't seem to fly by as intolerably fast as usual, although, of course, I would have loved it to have been longer, it didn't vanish leaving me feeling like it was barely even there. Friday night was supposed to be a Guy's Night for Nick and Rob, with me going to see Brideshead, however, it got pushed back to Saturday because Rob had forgotten he had promised to take Angel to see Dark Knight Friday (for people who are not a couple and are supposed to only be fuck buddies, that, my friend, sounds like a date.). Anyways, I had been looking forward to seeing Brideshead and hitting Club Charles and getting some dinner, but the prospect of seeing Nick Friday was certainly not a bad thing, so I went to Golden West for dinner on my own, then once he got out of work, he came down and we went to The Wind-up. At Golden West I had a salad, which was supposed to have their lemon tahini dressing, but I didn't care for it at all. Either they gave me the wrong dressing, or their interpretation is rubbish. The cucumbers and tomatoes were good, still. I also had an order of their rosemary and garlic fries--- delicious, as always.

The Wind-up was pretty happening. I think word is getting out that it is a pretty hip place. Started seeing some of the cast of characters, the usual suspects, as it were, but I liked the fact that we were there first, as in, we discovered it or were turned on to it first, and also that as these people walked in, we were literally already at the bar. The owner, Russell, remembered us and him and the other bartender kept our drinks filled all night. I ended up getting rather drunk, which was lovely, since I wasn't driving and didn't have to wake up early. Had a rather lovely time. Stopped off in Hampden on the way home for some snacks, and two types of Hagen-Daaz to attack at a later date. Nick's parents were going away for a couple of days so he went home to get instructions for taking care of the dogs Saturday morning, and asked if I would stay over Monday and Tuesday to feed and walk them while he is at work. He came back Saturday afternoon and we went to Little Havana for lunch. Have to say, I really don't care for that place. Mediocre is the word. Obviously, it pales in comparision to Cuba Libre, but more than that, it's just lackluster in my opinion. Nick likes their Cuban Sandwich, but anything I've had has been eh. Stopped back at the house, had a bit of fun, then I got ready for dinner at Cinghiale. Went to his parents' for him to get ready and get doggie-details, then to "the hottest Italian restaurant in the city." Cinghiale was very fancy, absolutely gorgeous on the inside, high ceilings, much larger and busling than I was expecting. Very bright, but all done like hundreds of chandeliers. There was the bar and a regular restaurant side, which was nice, and the main diningroom, which was a vision of crystal and white linens and just beautiful. I loved sitting there, Nick looked gorgeous, as always, his dress shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal his tattoos. The food was, for the most part, good, as well. I enjoyed the salad, it was a little bland if anything. The dressing was a VERY light vinegarette, but with a generous offering of parmesan. The bread was outstanding, and I would have loved some more of that, but in these upscale places, one must resist the urge to ask for such things. I was expecting my meal to be a normal pasta, but the sauce was with ground pork and carrots, not a tomato base. The pasta was undercooked, even by my standards, and the looks of it were probably the worst part. I didn't care for the taste very much, but it looked like either dog food or vomit. If we ever go back, I will certainly get something else. Nick enjoyed his veal, which I would never eat. The meal and experience, however, totally redemed itself, with the arrival of dessert. We both got the panna cotta, which was completely different than Abacrombie's. Chingiale's was almost like a cheescake, with ground vanilla beans and salted caramel. Oh, my God, was that good. Got a wonderful cappuccino, too, and Nick got an espresso, and we each got biscotti's, which is never a bad thing. All in all, I enjoyed it, the atmosphere and everything except my entree, which I would just not choose next time. Nick got his car and went to meet Rob when we got back, I hung out with Carmin for a little bit, before going to sleep till Nick texted me tha he was on his way back and I got up to let him in. He may be going to work for Savory James as a P.R. person, calling venues and stuff, and Rob may even be able to pay him a little bit.

Woke up Sunday, starting the day off on the right foot, as it were, went to his parents to get the dogs and took them with us to The International Festival on Poly-Western's field. It was totally stressful in my opinion having the dogs. Not very much fun and a lot to handle, plus, Maggie seemed scared by the crowds and noise. I did purchase a genuine Burberry bag for $50 (Must have fallen off the back of a truck, there were hundreds--- Chanel, Coach, Louis Vuton). Kind of regretted spending it. Drove down to Hampden to see if Rob was home. He wasn't but Chrissy and Joe were, so we chatted to them for a minute before heading back to the house, where the dogs and us could take a little rest.

Yesterday we had dinner at b, and I enjoyed it tremendously. Bolton Hill is quite possibly the most beautiful area in this city. The sun was out and all of the buildings are gorgeous, driving through was lovely, desite having forgotten to bring West End Girls to listen to. Instead, there was Everyday Is Like Sunday, as we pulled up in front of the restaurant. We got a table inside this time. What a charming little place. I chose the pananella salad to start. Really didn't see any similarity between it and Bicycle's panzanella salad, other than both having capers. It was pretty good, the tomatoes were especially fresh. Nick learned that in Baltimore, restaurants get their ingredients fresh on Sundays, from the farmer's markets, so we know now, that's the prime time to go. Anyways, his calamari was really good, it wasn't fried, very tender, drenched in those tomatoes and sauce. They were liberal enough to give us two pieces of bread each, which thrilled me to no end haha. I had their cappuccino which so entranced me last time. They have outstanding cappuccino, for whatever reason. Nick had an orange blossom beer before dinner and an oatmeal stout with dinner, which had an almost espresso kind of aftertaste. The main course was b's house ravioli for me. Finally a traditional pasta dish with a red sauce, although there was a little too much oil, it was still refreshing and delicious. Nick's steak came sitting all on its own on the plate, save for some shoe-string bits of fries, like shreds, really. I would have been pissed were it me that there were no veggies or proper potatoes, but he was happy because the steak was a decent size, and bloody inside. The dessert, again, was probably the highlight. I don't know how I became so enthralled by dessert--- I'm not even a dessert person. I prefer salty to sweet hands down, but since we been going to all these nice places, I have developed a fondness for dessert. Nick got the chocolate mouse, which I can't even begin to describe. Rich, chilled, heavenly chocolate. Just wonderful, with a pistacio sauce and edible parchment as pastry dividing the layers of mouse. Foodgasms abound. I said I was having to keep a running tally yesterday of the orgasms I had from Nick himself and those from his dessert haha. My dessert was the ice cream platter, again. This time I got the nuttella ice cream, muy delicioso, with salted caramel. Oh, yeah, we enjoyed our meal. Oh, had a second cappuccino and our biscottis with dessert, as well.

Driving back, Nick put on some Radiohead, High and Dry, then Motion Picture Soundtrack, and Idioteque. This city is beautiful, and I love that Nick is as enchanted with it as I am.

When I get out today, I go straight to Nick's. Should get there a little before he has to leave for work, feed the dogs and take them out. Jamie is away this week, so no sense in going to Club Charles, which financially speaking, is probably for the best. He had an interview for the Forbush school today, so hopefully he gets the job. I think he has another interview this week, too.

I will begin by saying that although it is maybe unwarranted, or atleast a little excessive, but I feel like I am at my wit's end, and while I am so thankful and have so many reasons to be happy, I am still plagued by what I can only describe as an intense self-loathing and desire to be cloistered away somewhere where no one will have to see me. I feel I am that out of shape, that fat, that hideous almost, that I actually do not want to be seen by anyone. I guess that's pretty ridiculous, but that is how I feel. I keep trying, but keep fucking up, keep getting faced with situations, wonderful opportunities to be with wonderful people, to enjoy delicious food, and just bad, bad temptations, free food in the hospital, snacks at home when bored alone or with company, there's always a fucking reason to eat. I'm trying to think, what made it possible for me to not be OBSESSED with fucking food all the time in that period of sadness and discontent. Most likely the sadness and discontent, I simply couldn't eat, had no appetite, no interest in anything at all. I could get no joy from it, but now, I get limitless joy whilst it's going on and nothing but horrible regret, self-loathing, and depression immediately after. Tracy says it's because I lost it in a very unhealthy and rapid way and that it is natural and inevidable that I would put it back on, and maybe more, especially once my mind and body start recovering and "evening back out." That sucks. I am just so frustrated and depressed over it. Especially after seeing Le Trapiezze show in Club Charles last night and seeing the exact same curvy, but not wobbly, small figure that I had had for those months, that I certainly do not see in the mirror now. It's like it just keeps getting worse and worse and that goal seems harder and harder to attain, more and more in the distance. Everytime I think maybe I'm doing better, somethng fucks it up, I fuck it up. I have no willpower now. All this said, Tracey has imparted some advice to me which I think may be of some profound help, and that is to stop obsessing about it so much. It's like self-sabatoge, all of the resolving to not do this and not do that, it's like willing myself to fail, compounding the situation. Prehaps I should just try, but not put so much pressure on myself, not harp about it outloud to myself or others, not be preoccupied by it day and night, and in not thinking about it so much, prehaps it will be more attainable.

In fact, I found today that when I did not feel hungry, at a conference when I was coersed into eating, I had only what amounted to a small dip of tuna salad (the wrap it was in having been both wheat and soggy, thus making it necessary to disassemble and just eat the tuna.), and I had no trouble then resisting the other food, and not having held out to that point of starving, shaking, ravenous mania that I am beginning to see is what leads to the gorging, the going overboard, I feel completely contented having consumed very little.


Alright, enough about food and my dysmorphic ranting. Last night we went to Rob Soma's show at Lo-Fi. Appearently it's now called The Hexagon, for no apprearent reason. Savory James ended up headlining, so we had time to float back and forth between there with Rob, Angel, Laurie, and all, and Club Charles, where Jeremy was working and concocted two of his famously delicious white Russians, those of such renoun. Lost track of time for a bit singing Common People at the bar with Nick, how I love that song, and how it resonates so deeply for me. We walked back to Lo-Fi, around to the back and discovered in this alley, tucked away from everything else, almost another long-forgotten street, with old auto-repair shops, all but washed away adverts painted on brick, and old once neon sign, and the stable type of garage doors. Nick and I were in awe. It was so much like a place time forgot, so seemingly unknown to the rest of the city. We said we'll have to go back in the day time to take some photos. In the back of Lo-Fi, they have it open to the courtyard/alley between several buildings there, with chairs and tables for people to smoke, and it was completely closed in, high chain link fences and brick structures, fire escapes hanging above, and all the way at the top, the night sky. I have to say it was terribly romantic, in the sense that I find that sort of thing so beautiful.

The show was really good. Had enough time to go back to Club Charles, close out, and then hit the Subway before heading home, where I somehow ended up getting to sleep sometime after 4:30. I can't imagine how that happened haha. Nick is trying to do a Guy's Night tonight, so I am going to go to the Charles to see this Brideshead adaptation. I'm pretty sure it will be a bastardization of the book, however, it may prove a decent enough movie in its own right if I try to look at it as a separate entity. Still excited to see it.

Hoping the weather will be good tomorrow and Sunday to hopefully hit Druid Hill. I do feel I would both benefit from and enjoy walking around that beautiful expanse of our fair city. Got those dinner reservations for Cinghale tomorrow night (have to decide what to wear) and b on Sunday. Petit Louie has been put on hold since Nick's check is short, which is ok. Some other time. I may go to Golden West before the movie or somewhere else. Stopping off at Walmart on the way home to get some nice, black picture frames in which to put some of my pictures from England (not any with Rob, obviously) in my room. I have decided to kind of further the unintentional theme of Anglophilia. As Carmin had joked and I quipped, "Swinging London," but it is genuine, and not contrived, and I don't think it will come off that way. I think I will put up the smaller Union Jack that Mom just got me from the Goodwill, rather than the large one from Rob that used to be above the bed at the apartment. It's all the things I love and am interested in, they mostly happen to be British haha.