Patent Pending

I was reading on Livejournal last night Rob's posts about being depressed over searching for a job now that he has graduated and the horrible nightmares he is having again. There was also a poem posted (he had posted a couple here and there when we first started seeing eachother, but in general, he always kind of talked shit about poetry), which I know better than to try to interpret. It was very abstract, as poems tend to be, and while I'm sure it's about my replacement, it was all over the map as far as tone and sentiment. Whatever. The dreams he said he's having are things involving exes and mistakes and while I know better than to think any of it means anything or changes anything regarding us or whether he is thinking about things, I did kind of want to tell him about that dream I had last week that put me in such a low place, but I wouldn't want it to sound like I'm just making it up or that I am imagining that it is me or my absence from his life (his doing) that is the cause of the sleep disturbances and their accompanying daylight unease.

I Should Have Worked Much Harder, I Should Have Just Not Bothered.

Well, the mystery of the neighbour not returning my call on Saturday has been solved. I got a text message when I left work yesterday apologising for his having been rude in not getting back to me, and that he has gotten back together with his ex. So that kind of sucks. That was kind of my reserve, or not reserve, but my other avenue maybe to pursue, having a lot in common and all of that. So I guess I should have gotten my ass up that Saturday and hung out. Damn it.

If anybody else reads this thing, not that I imagine anyone does, they must find it very odd indeed.

I ended my weekend last night by sitting on the couch in my underwear at one o'clock in the morning, polishing off a bag of Goldfish and having a superfluous vodka and coke, whilst watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards. I realized this in all its splendour and context when I caught myself talking to the television, lamenting the loss of Heath Ledger (and Brad Renfro, for that matter).

It was a little sad.

I'd just gotten home from hanging out with Pittsburgh. We'd gone to dinner at Slainte, and then to Bartenders, that is once we finally got out of the house. There was an intense debate for a good fifteen minutes earlier in the evening as to whether he should use all four hardboled eggs for eggsalad for lunch tomorrow or just use two and leave the others. Then there was the need to finish an episode of Law and Order before taking a shower and getting dressed. When we got back, we laid on the sofa, and it was very nice. I did make the mistake of saying something about "manscaping", which opened a whole can of worms about emasculation and how it's unrealistic standards. Lucky for me, women know nothing of unrealistic standards or rigorous grooming routines. This is obviously sarcasm.

Friday night took a while to get off the ground, as well, and then it was a short night at that, since he had to work on Saturday, which meant getting up at 6:30, but I did stop at Daily Grind for a delicious hazelnut latte.

I called the neighbour Saturday, but never got a repsonse back, so I don't know what's up with that. I mean, is he really that shy? How can you be scared when the other person is saying they WANT to talk to you? Who knows. We'll see.

I want to go to Automatic Friday, but I don't know. I would prefer not to run into my former fiance and my replacement, which also brings up the Clash Tribute Night. I would really like to go, but again, I'd rather not deal with the awkwardness, and I know it is not Pittsburgh's cup of tea, and I know he would look out of place. So I don't know what to do about that. I tell ye, I can't wait to not have class on Tuesday's though, so I can start going to Two For Tuesdays at The Ottobar again!

Two of my friends got engaged this weekend. I say friends, but one was my friend, and his girlfriend I really can't take, so really I should say two of my aquaintances or associates. Anyways, she has been going on and on about wanting to get married and have babies for so long, and, well, the whole thing disgusts me, and I just want to be like, "Good Luck, sister", because I was engaged, too, and it should have worked out, so nothing's really a sure thing. I don't want to be one of those bitter people who piss on other people's parade, it's just that she's so over the top about it. Makes me sick. Especially because I never turned into a Bridezilla in the least. The whole damn thing wasn't even my idea. That's not to say it wasn't what I wanted, or that I wasn't over the moon about it, because I was, but I never pushed for it. It wasall Rob and then he called it quits.

Tonight I will go to class. I have all of my projects to do some time this week. Like three of them. Don't know when that's going to happen. I should have worked on it yesterday, but really, even if I could be bothered, there still would not have been time. I don't know what I'm doing.

This Is A Pity-Party Whine Fest

I'm in a terrible place. First of all, my mouth is fucking killing me, I have an ulcer or something back where my wisdom tooth is and my whole face and head hurts. This has been going on since Sunday and it's horrible. Seriously, I don't think I'd be as down as I am if that felt better. I'm very depressed. I haven't been this low in a while, since everything happened. I pretty much hate everything right now, including and somewhat especially myself. I feel like I'm putting weight back on, which was the only good thing about all the shit that happened in September was that I lost weight and really liked the way I looked for once. I hate my job. I hate school. I don't want to do anything except get in bed and never get up. If my mouth doesn't feel better soon, it's going to throw a monkeywrench into the weekend, should I have anything to do. Alcohol won't be good, and neither is smoking. I feel like I am letting everything in my life fall by the wayside and suffer. My job is suffering and so is school (which I just can't put my heart in anymore). I feel like shit physically, and emotionally, I'm feeling the same. I don't even feel like staying up to watch Project Runway, but I know that as badly as I want to go to bed, it won't change anything when I wake up and shit is still the same way it was.

One More Day Till Philly

Yes, tomorrow is my long awaited (and long overdue) trip to Philadelphia to see Band of Horses, have a cheesteak, and hopefully pick up some ultra hip purchases which will bring me happiness and make my otherwise empty existence seem worthwhile and complete. That said, I probably won't find anything of note and the cheesesteak will probably be grisley. But maybe not. Anyways, the important thing is that I won't be in work and I won't be going to school, which I wish I didn't have to do tonight. I have a test which I haven't put the slightest effort into studying for. I'm so full of shit, putting on like I'm actually absorbing any of the information my instructor gives me on what I've missed, giving the illusion that I care when inside I'm just counting down and willing dismissal, so I can get out and go home.

The weekend came and went, and I can't say I was terribly impressed. Friday started off without knowing if it was going to amount to anything. Once it was finally decided that, yes, we were going to get together, despite Pittsburgh having to work in D.C. at 7 in the morning Saturday, I made the trek to Highlandtown, or Butcher's Hill, forgive me. We went to Canton for dinner. It was supposed to be a low-key and early evening, with me coming home that night and everyone getting to bed at a decent hour on account of the working on Saturday thing, however, with the insistance that we take a cab to Canton, so as not to have to try to find somewhere to park, suffice to say neither party kept the drinking to a minimum, and I ended up very pissed by the time we left Bartenders' and took a taxi back. Saturday morning, I stopped at Daily Grind for one of the best coffees I've ever had (why can't Starbucks learn to make lattes like this, where it's not just a damn cup of hot milk).

I don't feel I made good enough use of my Saturday night, though. Played out much like the old Sam Cooke song, "Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody". Didn't go out, and when the kid across the street texted me, asking me to come over and hang out, I had already dozed off and didn't feel like getting up.

One thing I've learned is that, while not always the case, often times, if you have a penis, you don't know how to use a phone. Boys seem incapable of responding to a text message in a timely manner or calling back when they have, of their own volition, said they'd call you later. I don't care really, I just don't like waiting around on people.

Tomorrow I'm off to Philly and then that will leave Wednesday, Thursday (just those two days for class), and Friday, and then another weekend. Definately going to try to get my money's worth a bit more. Actually, it's not like I'm trying to cram as much crazy, non-stop partying as possible. I know success is not to be measured in ounces of alcohol, and it's actually very nice and satisfying to have time to do absolutely nothing, especially when during the week that sort of thing is so rare. So I'm quite chuffed to have the ability to just get in bed and sleep a few hours away on a Saturday or bum around in Target on a Sunday. I'm glad for the low-key hang-outs. I guess all I'm really let down or annoyed by is the fact that Saturday night kind of slipped by and then yesterday Pittsburgh had said we'd hang out but I didn't hear from him till late, and even then he was at a party watching football and there was all of this back and forth about whether it would be worth to hang out for an hour since I had to go to work today. He was supposed to call again late last night, but I never heard from him. I do think I have an idea for a more eventful evening when I do speak to him as to what I ended up doing last night. No need to admit to watching Rock of Love and half a Law and Order in a bit of a sulk.

Well, It's The Weekend, Isn't It?

So, it's finally Friday. I look forward to it all week, suffering and carrying on, just with the upcoming weekend to get me through. So now it's 2:35 in the afternoon, but I'm still nowhere close to having plans or knowing if I even have anything to make use of this divine 56 hours of weekend time. Pittsburgh may have to work tomorrow, which means no going out tonight. He was supposed to call me back last night, once he was able to peel himself from the sofa and regain conciousness. Needless to say, I did not hear back from him, and whilst I am loathe to call him once I get out of work, since I don't want to appear to be "chomping at the bit", as they say, I also don't want to wait around in the "going out limbo", where one gets ready for a night out, without having confirmed plans, only to find out it's not happening, and then scrambling to make the best of whatever's left of a wasted evening. Tomorrow I am supposed to have dinner with my father and step-mother, and also a drunken phone conversation in the evening with my neighbour, who I finally had the pleasure of seeing outside today getting in our cars to go to work. We have been corrosponding for a while, with weekly texting or proper phone conversations with the social lubricant that is alcohol, marveling at the short span of parking lot between us, and how we've been unknowingly crossing paths for years. I should really initiate the hanging out in person, since although it's obvious I'd be enthused, the other party's shyness seems like it would prevent such a thing from coming to fruition. Sunday I am supposed to be having coffee with my former fiance. Preparing myself to walk that tightrope.

A Thorn In My Side The Size of A Cadilac

Missed class again last night, but what else is new? Seriously, since Christmas, I have been terrible about getting to school. It's just too enticing to get out of work and go home. Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment I didn't get out of until almost six, and there was no way I was getting to class on time, and I can't see driving all the way down there just to be late. It was so nice to come home and have the whole evening to do nothing. Well, not nothing. I tried to make fairly good use of my time, since I so rarely get anthing done. I cleaned out my bills from 2006 and organized that kind of stuff, then I finally worked on a DIY shirt project I've been meaning to get around to sewing since September. Then C. got up, and we basically watched television and cracked ourselves up all night. It was awesome. We were both in rare form, laughing hysterically, till we got all serious and philosophical, as we tend to do, commenting on our relationships and jobs, and my all-encompassing lack of desire to do ANYTHING at all. I mean, I honestly have no ambition whatsoever, try as I might, the only thing that appeals to me, is not having anything to do. I just want to go to work, and come home, and have the time then to sit around and enjoy not having to do anything, or the free time to go out, see people, have a drink, do my laundry, whatever. That really means a lot to me. I've certainly learned that doing something someone else wants you to do, or because you want to make them happy, is not a good idea by any means. I am instead left with a damn obligation my heart simply is not in. It's like a fucking albatross around my neck or something. Which reminds me, on account of all the time in class I have to make up, I'm going to start going to Sunday classes, which are all day affairs, and we're looking at about 8, if I don't miss anymore time between now and February 4. Unless, ofcourse, I go to some evening classes once my regular classes end. I could do that, too. I know I will miss atleast one more class, next Tuesday, when we go to Philly, which I am very excited about. Whatever. I have a lousy work ethic. It's not exactly earth-shattering news.

Sad and Lonely

Well, I'm sick. Son of a bitch. I have been trying to rest and not get any worse, but yesterday, going to work (and all of the headaches and stress that that entails) and then going to class to do clinic, I'm worn out and don't want to do a thing but go back home, take serveral nice swigs of Nyquil, and crawl in bed till I feel better. I'm not going to class tonight. I've already decided, and since I left early last night (pissing my teacher off to no end), it will give more creedence to skip tonight, as well. Besides that, I really need to not push myself. It's getting too close to to the weekend. I wish I could think of something else I could take. I know I want to stop at Safeway for some more Smart Waters Defense (unless they're all sold out there like they were at Target yesterday). I have been eating more, since I thought it would be good to fight off whatever this is in my throat, but now I feel like I've just ballooned back to previous proportions, or I cuold, if I kept it up. My stomach has shrunk considerably over the last five months, so evern when I do eat a lot, it's still not like I used to all the time. Well, after my Mom's party the other day, I could tell my stomach was stretched, and now I'm afraid I've let myself back where I'm going to be hungry all the time and eating for something to do.

What Do You Mean, Access Denied?

So I just started this blog, basically because my work has deemed Livejournal to be in the same league as MySpace as far as being inappropriate or whatever, and it is blocked. How am I supposed to voice my rants and ponderings, how am I supposed to be made aware of the mundane happenings in my aquaintences lives, and how am I supposed to find a Pete Doherty Pic of the Day now? Well, I've started this little number, which in a way will be nice, because it will be completely anonymous (and if there is a private option, since on ElJay, someone knows my password because we would sometimes send secret messages to eachother), but this way, I will not have to censor anything I want to say. Ever.