Well, I ended up having a bit of a blow-out with Carm on the phone yesterday afternoon whilst at work, then she called me when I was on my way home. It got heated, and of course, there was me crying, but things are alright now and hopefully they will remain that way. Some ground rules have had to be laid down. Appearently we really kept her up every night this weekend and she needs her sleep to perform her job, that I guess is the main thing. Also, that Nick was there so much, but then she kind of relented, just to not wake her up. Also, she's not going to ask me if I'm going out everyday and just make both of us feel bad. I'm not to ask her everyday if she's heard from Allen, and that Nick she thinks is very unfriendly towards her, and that she doesn't want him acting like it's his domain. I just want everything to be ok. I will try really hard to keep quiet and make time for her and I, but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on seeing Nick or it seem like I can't keep up with his lifestyle (which I love, the whole going out thing. It was funny, one of the things that was said at Ottobar last night was, "The party never stops", and then I said that should be the motto, and he said, "That already IS pretty much the theme of our relationship!" I then asked if that was a good thing, I don't recall where it went from there.) I still feel like it's unwarranted and I should be cut some slack for ten years of being a good friend and a dependable roomate, for bailing her out of jams and paying OUR bills on time, lending her money, making almost all of the purchases of joint things in the house (toilet paper, snacks, detergent), and because for the last few weeks I've been going out and making a bit of noise, I should be drug in front of a firing squad and written off. But I'm glad we patched things up and came to some aggreement. As far as the ground rules, I didn't make any demands, although I did say that I don't want to feel like I live with my Mother again though, either. Anyways, we then moved on to talking about Rob and what Allen said about the place my replacement is renting right near where we are moving and that sort of thing. We went to get ice cream, which I definately did not need, but wanted to continue the healing and the disolving of tension so we went. It was delicious in all acutality, and then we went to The Goodwill and I got an old Polaroid camera for $4. I have to stop and get film. I really hope it works. The photos on The Kills website and in the jackets of their cd's really inspired me.

I met Nick at Two For Tuesday's last night. It was so lovely to see him, he'd just shaven and, my God, he was more gorgeous even then usual. We got some drinks and talked. There was a rumour that Marty, the crochety old guy that was the manager at Frazier's, had died yesterday, and it was soon confirmed, so I went over to tell Rob. I basically just ignored her completely and just spoke to him. Nobody could believe he'd kicked the bucket. We stayed till last call and were going to go (bad of me, I know) to Paper Moon, which Rob had said was no longer 24 hours, and damned if it wasn't closed. We decided to go to Nautilus (even though Towson Diner would have been more equi-distant for us). I really wish I could stop eating late like this, but it's just so good to enjoy some delicious food, especially when one is intoxicated. But all of my new clothes I've gotten since September are all getting tight on me, or my old clothes that got big are fitting the way they used to. Nick keeps saying that he has no complaints about the way I look or my weight when I say I'm putting it all back on, but when I mentioned I was 110 pounds at my thinnest this fall, he said that does sound hot, and anything like that would simply be a bonus, but that I'm fine the way I am. I think that may be just the motivation I need to spur me on to return to that ideal. I need to find a way to resist eating superfluously in general, especially when I am not sharing the dining experience with another person, and make better choices about what I do consume. I haven't had a thing today and Carmin and I are supposed to be going to Don Pablo's for dinner before going to the movies. I weighed myself at work today, and sure enough, I'm back to 120 pounds. But I will be trying harder.

Tomorrow is my last day of work before we go to Philly on Friday. Nick got me one of the shirts they wear at UPS that has diagrams of the proper way to lift boxes and warehouse safety that I said I really liked when he came over from work last Wednesday. It's a medium so it's really big, but I was still rather chuffed. Then he said something about something else coming to me on Friday, so I'm intrigued about that.

I wish I could just drop down exactly to how I was those months after everything happened, when I couldn't be bothered with food, or when I did I could really enjoy it because I hadn't eaten hardly anything else the rest of the week.

You Wouldn't Have Those Bruises If You Learned How To Make A Decent Pot Roast

This was my long weekend, what with the suspension Monday and all. I'm feeling relatively low at the moment, actually, mainly because Carmin is giving me the silent treatment again for whatever crimes against humanity I'm meant to have committed this time. Her schedule this weekend had been really shitty, closing shifts Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, stayed over her Mom's Friday night to take care of Pee-Dee, so the last time I had talked to her Friday, things were fine, but then with her working and my being out when she would have gotten home, we just hadn't seen eachother, so I had tried a couple of times to call her and Sunday night I texted her about hoping to hang out and have dinner Monday, and I received a brusk reply that she was eating dinner at her mother's that day. I don't know what else to do. I have been trying to make sure that we have had time to hang out and I have totally missed seeing or talking to her this weekend, I feel like she is resenting me again for going out with Nick, and that really isn't fair. I don't think of her as only my roomate, she is my best friend, and I think that is evidenced by how much this tears me up. I swear, I can't stand to have affections witheld. I can't take it. I really don't think it is fair for her to take anything out on me, her shitty schedule, not getting to see Allen, the shit with her mom and her brother, the fact that I happen to like to go out, it's all ridiculous. I don't know what to do, but it kills me for her to shut me out like this. I figure some of it may be because of the cat, but I have been feeding him, and I did change the litter yesterday, which I know I should do more often. But again, I'm not a bad person, I'm not saying I am picking Nick over her, I don't deserve to be treated like this. Not when anytime anything goes wrong, I always want to makeit right, apologise, am distraught over it, not when I pay for things and lend money, and make purchases for us both, and never throw it in anybody's face or remind them or hold it over their head. It's not fucking fair. Last night, I stayed in, because I missed her and wanted us to catch up, but she went in her room when she came home and that was that. I tried to wake her up to watch Flavour of Love, but she said she was tired. I ended up just going to bed myself, lonely and dejected, and a little pissed, thinking I should have just gone to Club Charles. But when I told Nick earlier that I was staying in because I wanted to hang out with Carm, he said, yeah, he supposed we should take a night off. Otherwise, we would have seen eachother every day since he got back last Sunday. So I wasn't going to call him and say I was now coming out, but when he texted me that night, it did make me sad on a number of levels. I know that I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I kind of don't want to let opportunities to see him pass by, either. I mean, I don't want us to see eachother too much, but I also really enjoy his company. I don't know. It's just not fair for Carmin to treat me like this. I know that I have been wrong about things in the past, and I may be wrong about things at the moment even, but I've always tried to fix things, I always immediatley take the stance of apologising and trying to fix whatever it is I've done, and it isn't right to be treated so coldly, not when it obviously is not something I'm indifferent to.

Other than that, my weekend was good. Friday night ended up seeming like a bust initially because of Nick's Goucher friends not mobilising themselves to do a damn thing, and I totally didn't want to waste an entire Friday night sitting around that girl Tyler's squalid apartment politiking. Nick didn't seem to want that either, so he said we were going to go for a drink at Club Charles and we'd meet up with them later. By the time we got out there, it was after 12, so time was of the essence. I managed to get two white Russians and a vodka and diet, got fairly tight, and then we left to meet Christina and another girl called Cyntia at Paper Moon. I had no intention of eating, but, yet again, ye of little resistance, ended up with a grilled cheese. I do wish they had regular fries instead of curly fries still. By the time we got out of there, it was 4 o'clock, and we went straight to sleep. I was really tired, and just crashed as soon as I ate that food, was still a little drunk, as well. I had taken a nap when I got home from work Friday, too. Slept till like 9 or something. Anyways, Saturday proved to be an incredibly lazy day, one rigourous sort of activity several times over throughout the course of the weekend and very little else haha. The NFL Draft was on, so Nick was all excited to watch that. I had no idea what was going on, and it ended up working like a sedative for me. I dozed off and ended up with creases from his dress shirt across the side of my face. We ordered Chinese food, and yet again, I really didn't enjoy it. I seriously have to stop getting shrimp from them. Saturday night we ended up going to Club Charles and hanging out in this girl's apartment, with this stereotypical Towson jock who was ridiculous. I was glad to finally get home. Sunday was a really nice day on account of knowing that normally it would signal the end of the weekend, but not for me since I was off Monday. We went to Checkers and Starbucks and then to Nick's house (met Don Scott!!) to watch Death At A Funeral, which was absolutely hilarious. I had been wanting to see it, and it was totally my kind of movie, British and all that. That was so much fun, and I think we laughed through the entire movie. I really loved it. So much so, that I bought it at Target yesterday. We were going to go to Brewer's Art that night for those rosemary garlic fries and for me to have an evening of Alcohol Appreciation since I was off Monday, but by the time we got out there, they stopped serving food. I was pissed. His friend Rob met us for a drink. We left there to go to Rocket to Venus and meet Christina and Cyntia, even though neither of them ended up drinking anything. We watched some QVC and HSN yesterday morning/early afternoon before he left for his guitar lesson and work. There were a couple of gems, including Conjoined Pianists.

Tonight is Two For Tuesdays, so I am looking forward to that. Ended up having a fairly long chat with Rob on the phone yesterday. He had initially texted me to ask if I'd heard a new Deathcab song called Cath, and that it was about a sad girl called Cath and there was talk of a wedding, and that Ben Gibbard really knew how to bring his audience down. I said I hadn't heard it, but I already knew how it went. He said, "I do, too :(". I wanted to say, Who's fault is that, but I chose instead to change the subject.

I wonder if the fact that the trip to Philly is this weekend is something else that has Carm mad, but I have apologised so much for that, and we were past it. I don't know, I really don't, but I just want us to be Ok.

Keep The Car Running

Yesterday was quite possibly the busiest day I've had here at work in a long time. Not only was it busy, but there were problems, and complications, and fuck-ups, and it was just a pretty shitty day. I didn't even get to lunch till 1:20, but it did help to make the afternoon pass faster. I went home with no intention of doing anything for the rest of the night. I figured even if Nick did call me when he got off work, I wasn't going to do anything. I wanted to take a nap right when I got home, but Carmin had just gotten up (she'd worked the overnight) and so I sat down to talk to her for a bit, then we decided to make dinner (salmon and mashed potatoes), then I took a nap. Got up with a start around 8:30, confused as to whether I'd slept clear into the next day, or even what the next day was. Went out to rewatch with Carmin the episode of Top Chef Nick and I had watched the night before. While that was on, he texted me asking what was up and that he was out of work. I asked if he was going out, to which he replied he couldn't think of a reason not too. Ah, that's my boy haha. So I said I'd been sleeping (I was still sleepy on the sofa then) and what was his plan for the night. He texted back he figured he'd come down and we'd figure it out. So yeah, appearently he was coming down. Nothing like asking or propsing the idea or anything haha. Actually it didn't really bother me, I just don't want him to show up at the house when I'm not in the least bit ready, haven't taken a shower, changed my clothes, that sort of thing. So once he came down, he said there was a show at The Talking Head that Rob and Angel were at so that's where we went. I swear I remember drinks being much cheaper there in the past. Had two drinks, felt them quickly, I guess because I'd eaten dinner earlier in the evening than usual. We had planned to go someplace else after there, but ended up leaving after 1:30, so after making out in the nearly deserted upstairs bar, we headed home. As we were driving, Nick said, "Oh we should have gone to Valentino's back there." We hadn't really passed it yet, so that's where we went, even though I said I was trying to get out of this eating super-late shit. But God, it was good. Got my tortolini and marinara, he got fried shrimp and fries, and we kind of shared everything. I left feeling far too full, as per usual, but it was delicious, and we had some really good conversation. I have noticed that usually when we start out in the evening, neither of us has very much to say, but I do like that recently we have had good conversation and not just when we are drunk, either. At one point at the show, he said that somehow he'd found the perfect girlfriend, which made me feel really good, surprised, but it is something that I really, really want to be.

When we got home it was 3 o'clock, and since I had to come in here today, I would have only gotten three and a half hours of sleep as it was, less than that if he'd came in, and he'd completely woken up as soon as we got out, so he wasn't even tired to go to bed. He walked in the lobby with me and then left. I'm sorry he didn't come in, but it's the weekend today, and I get a three day one, so that will be awesome. Sleeping in and all that. In fact, Darla and Dennis are going up to Jersey to see Joey this weekend, so Carmin is going to stay over their house to watch PeeDee once she gets off of work tonight. I feel bad for her. She has to work tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday 3-close, and probably not see Allen at all.

Diamonique Days

I can't believe I didn't update on here yesterday. Totally got wrapped up in a million things here at work. Well, the iminent suspension came through yesterday. I will be having a three day weekend starting tomorrow, off on Monday, which consequentially means I will only have to work three days next week, since I am off Friday to go to Philly for Vic's graduation/gallery opening and The Kills show. How incredibly self-defeating and asinine of them. Anyways, I do have to mind my P's and Q's from now on, since the next time I'm late or I think maybe even call out, that's it---curtains. But that said, I will have no problem getting to sleep in on Monday, recuperating for some alcohol appreciation over the weekend prehaps. I'd better make good use of the time haha.

Tuesday night got off to kind of a late start. As early as they let Nick out of work Monday night, it was after 10 by the time he was done Tuesday, so we decided to just meet at Ottobar. I got there way ahead of him and Chirstina, Rob and my replacement were already there, so I had to kind of pretend I didn't see them till later in the evening. Even then, of course, I only spoke to Rob, not her. Chatted for a bit with Craiggers, then Nick's friend, Rob, then Nick came in. I saw him coming up the stairs out of the corner of my eye, fedora so perfectly cocked, looking very debonair indeed. Christina left her wallet at home and had to go back to look for it (how people fucking lose shit or simply not have it on them at all times boggles my mind), so it was later still by the time she got back to Ottobar, but it still ended up being a very nice time. I saw Rob and said a few words to him. We had talked on the phone the day before, so a lot of the "catching up" was already done, but still after a couple of minutes, it was just too easy to stand there and riff on conversation, it got a little too comfortable and familiar, so I was just like, "Well, you need to go back to your people, and I need to go back to my people." I immediately ordered another drink. Had two double vodka and diets, although I never got really tight or anything. I think because in between them I diluted with a regular Diet Coke.

Last night, Carmin had to work an over-night at the bookstore while they lay new carpet, so Nick came over and we watched Top Chef. It was nice to stay in, but I hadn't gotten to take my nap, since Carm and I went straight to Target and Noodles when I got home, so I was pretty sleepy. After the show (and some other activities we found to pass the time) and, after we had some of those Walker's crisps (totally going to order some more today), I crashed and dozed off on the sofa while he flipped through the channels. He left around 2:30, saying that he didn't mind that I was sleepy, and he would have ended up falling asleep on the couch eventually, and he'd let me know what was going on today. I know I should stay home tonight, hang out with Carmin and just take it easy, since I still have work tomorrow, and especially if I don't get to take a nap when I get home from work (I'm am very committed to making that happen, though, taking a nap).

When I got on MySpace yesterday, there was a comment from Vic asking who this boy is that I mentioned bringing to Philly with me, that was staying over the weekend up there with me. I gave a brief synopsis, reminding him of the gallery opening and Nick having been there at Ottobar the night Vic was home after he and Nikki broke up. I hope to hear back from him maybe today, and I will need to get directions to his opening and all if nothing else.

I can't elieve how much weight I've put back on, seemingly so rapidly, too. I mean, I don't get it. Appearently you really need to be fully in the midst of a nervous breakdown to look good, and once your mental state improves, BOWWNG, enormous proportions. I know all this junk food and late night eating we've been doing certainly is contributing, so I'm hoping to stem that a bit. I think I can see it in both of us though, actually, not that I have any complaints. Anyways, I can see how coushiony I've become again. I hate it!! I have been trying to behave, but somehow I keep fucking up, or it just seems like insurmountable. Oh, it infuriates me how good I looked and felt about myself then, during that darkest of times, and now that I have bought all these new clothes and the summer is coming, it all goes to shit. I wish I could just go without getting where I feel like I'm going to pass out or without getting "peer-pressured" or ravenous. Well, when I am off this weekend/Monday, hopefully I can spend a good deal of that time napping and sleeping in, so it will be easy to go without stuffing my face. Last Saturday was like that. Slept till 1:30, went to Starbucks after 2, didn't eat for the first time of the day till 7 or so before I went to that show. Then I did have those two quesadilla wedges with Angel at Club Charles, but I really have been trying to do better. I haven't been drinking any regular soda, and only really even having soda in mixed drinks, I decided not to get a Frap everytime I go to Starbucks but to get a nonfat iced mocha instead, more often than not. I had a cup of coffeemaker coffee at work today and I put Splenda in instead of real sugar. I know I need to not eat junk, especially not eat right before I go to bed. I wonder if eating dinner, even if it's my only meal of the day, is worse than if I ate my "big meal" earlier like at lunchtime? Or what about this theory that eating only once a day is worse than if you nibbled throughout the whole day? I know when I lost all my weight, and since then, when I've seen some improvement, it's come from simply not eating, or atleast interrupting my normal consumption habits, but according to my Mom, when you don't eat for a while, when you do, your body immediately turns that food to fat because it thinks it's starving or hibernating or something. Of course, I do know what I've seen in myself in the past, but I find it a little disconcerting that the last week or so, even when I have been cutting back, I still seem to be putting it back on, or in the very least, not losing it. Fuck.

I managed to get some sleep when I got home from work, till around 8 or a little after, when Carm came home (with a Five Guys Burger, no less. I was jealous.). I then had to make myself something to eat (Smart Ones Ravioli, not bad, just not enough food. Had to follow it up with a bag of my Crisps), whilst watching the Rock of Love Reunion on VH1, or as I like to call the network, The Harbinger of the Apocolypse. Anyways, Nick came down and we headed to Club Charles around 10, so it was a pretty early start. Met his friend Rob there. I had two white Russians, a vodka (or vodker, as they are often pronounced) and diet, and then I think two regular Diet Cokes. Nick had a Yingling, two Jameson and Cokes, and a Beefeater Gin and orange juice. He swore it tastes like an orangesicle, but I still didn't want to try it. Gin and I don't get on very well. Prehaps if I hadn't already had the other drinks I'd have tried it, but with the orange juice, I'm leary. Anyways, he insisted on stopping for hotdogs at the 711 in Hampden at nearly 2 am. I swear I'm going to get big as a house if I keep up this eating junk, or atleast stuff with bread (like Subway) late at night all the time. Headed home, straight to bed, in a manner of speaking haha. Got around three hours of uninterrupted sleep, then got up this morning and proceeded to take my pill, get dressed, brush my teeth, and get back in bed for a couple of minutes. Nick got up fairly easily today, and was really mindful about not making me late, and I told him I don't mean to seem like I'm rushing him out, because the last thing I want to do is get out of bed myself, especially when he's there, as well. I just don't want to get sacked. If they do fucking suspend me, it will be the most self-defeating thing ever, and I hope they do it on a Friday or the Thursday before Philly, and really spite themselves. Please, punish me for "poor attendence" by making me not come into work. Thank You. You've given me a day off, a day off without pay, but I never accumulate fucking PTO anymore anyways, so it's no different. I don't know if we will meet at Two For Tuesdays tonight or drive together. I should try to not to stay to close tonight, but who knows.

I got a text from Rob yesterday regarding my most recent blog on MySpace about when I ordered the Crisps from England. Even though I posted it over a week ago, this was the first he saw it and he texted me to let him know if they were as good as they were when we were there the other year. Rather than texting, I just called him and we spoke for probably fifteen minutes or so. Initially, talking about the damn crisps, and the trip itself, made me very sad and I felt like why am I doing this to myself, dredging up these memories, and how we both speak so fucking fondly about that time and our past, yet everything is so obliterated now. It blows my mind how very much we loved eachother, and how that fact is acknowledged, but really, what else could be done? Anyways, then he got off on a tangent about City Paper's parties and upcoming events, so I mentioned places Nick and I have been and played the scene-points up as much as was necessary. He said he's started a Blogspot to do reviews of bars and restaurants for fun and eventually in the hopes he can get a promotion to write like that for the paper, so of course I'm going to have to try to dig around for that. I wonder if he, or anybody for that matter, wanted to find this blog, they could determine it was me. I hope not, because I like that this one is completely anonymous, unlike LJ. He asked if I was going to Ottobar tonight and I said of course, so I suppose we'll see eachother there tonight. I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. It really is what it is, and while I'm not always sure what that might be, it somehow makes sense in an all-encompassing way.

Even though I have a queen size bed, somehow Nick managed to sleep with his head on my pillow, and the whole other side of the bed empty, but atleast it was the bed and not the sofa, so I was happy.

I'm in work now, but all I can think about is getting off and going out later. It's the one thing that is going to sustain me through this rubbish start to the work work. It's rainy and miserable out, and I punched in four minutes late, which means if my supervisior does what upstairs tells her to, I should be awaiting iminent suspension, the next stop after which is termination. So there's that to look forward to. I really thought I was going to make it today, too. After some fancy and at times evasive driving and a series of positive thinking mantras, I ran to the timeclock only to discover that I was still very much fucked. In truth, I knew I was going to be late, and the reason is because I couldn't get Nick to speed up his gradual waking up thing, and if I don't get out of the house by 7:20, I miss this window in traffic. Granted, I'm not sore about it or anything, and I don't blame him, so to speak. Believe me, as he pulled me down to lay my head on his chest (after I'd already been up, dressed, took the trash out, ready to go) and he mumbled, "I'm getting there, baby," or something to that effect, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was break the embrace and come into work. Last night marked another like last week where we simply fell asleep on the sofa and when I woke up and turned the television off and suggested we lay down, after a stretch of teetering on the edge of the couch and an elbow too near my nose at one point, I again decided to take my just- over-three-hours of sleep in my bed on my own, and came back out to the living room once I'd gotten up and dressed in the morning. Last night was not expected to end so sleepily, but I'm certainly not bent out of shape about it, since I know how tired from the drive back from New York he was, and after how much he drank in the hopes of waking up seemed to make him more sleepy, compounded by Subway, which sobered him up, but lead to a nice full stomach, which always makes one more inclined to sleep, I can't say I was surprised. Judging by earlier in the night, though, I was sure three hours of sleep would be too much to hope for. As I said during the weekend "dirty text message marathon", we will have to make up for lost time haha. We went to Brewer's Art last night once he got back in town. That was a good time. We talked more about the old PBS Saturday night line up when we were kids and the old BBC series were the closest thing to cable we both had, Wishbone and Mr. Bean, had some delicious beverages, and a very exciting five or ten minutes in the toilets. We went to Club Charles for last call, then Subway, where he asked again what the hell I've done to him, but that he couldn't be happier.

Friday night Carm and I went to Holy's for dinner and then Firehouse. We ended up going there because Camrin got a call from Rob and he literally drove her to drink. As in she was so annoyed when she got off the phone with him she was like, "Let's go to Firehouse. I need a drink, and I know you're up fer it." Truth be telt, I'm a little offended that he hasn't asked for me or contacted me in any way in about three weeks. I couldn't be more thrilled with where I'm at at present, but still, it would be gratifying to know if he is wondering what I'm up to. If he only knew. I think his head would fucking spin. Anyways, what really pissed both Carm and I off about something he said on Friday was about the house we are moving to in Hamilton, he said, "That's where we live!", him and my replacement, I guess. Wrong, that's where he crashes now that he has a job in the city and Belair is too far to drive from in the morning. He's playing house in Hamilton, where he'll fucking bail from, too, when things get too real or too mundane. I'm from Hamilton, this isn't anything but getting back to my roots for me. It's really true, he's so much cooler for knowing me, and he wouldn't know shit if it weren't for me, and now he gets to pass it all off as his own. Whatever. I cannae be bothered.

Saturday was the Savery James show at The Metro Gallery. Hung out with Angel and Laurie, and Rob, once his set was done. They were really fucking good. Went to Club Charles with Laurie for a drink during one of the other bands, then back to the show, then back to Club Charles once it was over. Did very little yesterday. Had Checkers with Carm and Allen, then later on Carm and I went to Target where I returned one of the two superfluous pairs of shoes I got on Saturday (heels, I'm all about 'em now). It's a shame. I didn't need either of them, but they were super-cute, and the ones I took back were red patent leather, but really I have so much fucking debt, I don't need to buy ANYTHING. We then went to Goodwill and got icecream. I ate so bad yesterday, but good on Friday and Saturday, for the most part. I don't know, Saturday night when I went out, I felt very thin and couldn't help but be pleased with myself having caught Angel looking at me and then herself in a compare and contrast jealous sort of way. I am pleased to know that if I only modify my eating for like two days, I can see results that fast. I just wish I could get some sort of disciplined pattern down for myself. It's nearly eleven now and when I go to lunch I'm having an iced triple nonfat mocha. I've decided to drink those for the most part and only have Frap's sparingly, since they are higher in fat and calories. I had a cinnamon bun from Panera that a drug rep brought in this morning. Don't know why. Now I have heartburn, had to take some Zantac, and feel blown up. Hopefully, though, since I ate it early it won't deposit. My plan is to suffer through work, go home and take a nap. Then, if Nick wants to go to Club Charles, eat some dinner before getting ready.

I have a couple of marks on my neck that aren't terribly visible, but a lovely bruise on my shoulder from him biting me whilst at Brewer's. Ordinarily I would find this sort of thing juvenile and classless, but here, I absolutely love it. I wear them like badges of honor.

Lipgloss and Cigarettes

Last night had decidedly too little alcohol in it. That must be remedied.

These kids are different than myself. Different I'd say than my friends in general, even those I'm really only associates or aquaintances with. Maybe it's because they're younger. Most of them are, with the exception of Rob Soma, who is my age. Maybe it is their background of university life. It's funny, maybe they are just having the summer of being 23 that I had three (going on four, my God) years ago. Maybe that's why I never see any of MY friends out anymore (associates or aquaintances more appropriately), that time has passed for them. What am I talking about? I know why I don't see Steve and Rainey much, usually it has to be planned in advance, they are married with a child now. Victor is in Philly, but when he's down it's still awesome. John and Kallen, gone the way of Rob and I, and Carol Anne obviously being my replacement's best friend, it makes sense that she would continue to see Rob, although it's wierd I haven't once bumped into her, or her sister, for that matter. A lot of the other people, simply don't exist anymore---the Rob Kings and John Hicks', Tim (despite being back in town), Kimothy, all these people on MySpace pages whose stories I still tell like it matters or is remotely relevant. Who do I bring to the table? I have met and been out with so many of his friends, yet who of my friends do I have to call up and introduce or even run into randomly? Other than Carm and Allen, who I love dearly and am proud and enthusiastic over, nobody really. There was that time of running into Rainey on her B-day (which I'd forgotten) on our second extended date, which was awesome, but aside from that, and aside from seeing Rob at Two For Tuesdays those times, my people have been limited to the barstaff and dj's and other very vague aquaintances. There was Bill, but since he's got a girlfriend now, I haven't heard from him for weekly hour-long phonecalls nor has he returned any of mine, which I find terribly fucking rude. Just because you get a new girlfriend doesn't mean you should drop all your friends, I don't feel like I have done that, and am trying to keep it that way, especially where Carm is concerned after all that stuff about her feeling like we were only roomates now and not as close or good enough to not go out to a bar all the time.

I love the fact that he dropped out of college.

Leaf Blowers, Emeralds, Dooney & Bourke

I'm tired today, but not too terribly bad. I am, however, looking forward to maybe taking a nap when I get home from work. While I'm sad that Nick is going away this weekend, it will be kind of a recuperation time for me to just relax and bum around on my own, or maybe even get something productive done, like packing or sorting through stuff.

Last night, him and Christina came down and we tried some of those crisps from England I ordered. The Roasted Chicken ones were alright, but they weren't the really good ones I remembered, those were the Walker Sensations ones that were sold out. Next time, and I'm going to order more of those Sweet Thai Chile ones, too. We went to Club Charles for a little bit, but it was kind of a wierd night of trying to organise people and once we got there everybody sort of fractured into groups and left early and that. Christina had to work early, so she couldn't be out late. We only had two drinks a piece and took her home, and then Nick took me home and hung out for a while. We watched some QVC and HSN, took a little intermission (I'm still "out of commission," as it were, unfortunately. He doesn't seem to realize that periods last more than one damn day, though. It seemed to surprise the shit out of him that I still was on it since Tuesday.), and went back to watching television. A woman called in to talk about a ruby ring and said that ruby was the gem for fifty-fifth wedding anniversaries, and when the host asked what was the key to having a long-lasting marriage, the lady said be friends, and be kind to eachother (both good things, I think. Also things tha Rob and I had in spades, but oh well.), Nick responded with, "Sex, and lots of it," and when I just laughed and shook my head, he said, "What? It's working great for us." What else was said? There was a lot. He said we'd been going out almost two months, but really it was just four weeks last Friday. He says still that's pretty good. Then he said that we really are far too good together, after some clever back and forth comments regarding shit on the television and him lifting his head off my lap enough to kiss me several times, he said we'll just wait for him to do something stupid or for me to get tired of him, because that's usually what happens. I didn't say anything and he was like, "What? No rebuttle at all?" and I said, "No, of course I don't want that. I don't think I'll get tired of you. I hope you don't get tired of me, either." He referred to me as the cutest girl in the city again. I really wish I was, or that he really believes that atleast.

One funny thing last night on QVC or HSN was a leaf blower, and the caption for it read, "It extends, blows, and recharges." This cracked Nick up since he said he does the same thing. It was comical. I would have liked him to stay over, but I had to work today and he had to leave with his parents for New York around 9 and wanted to be able to sleep till then. He'll be back Sunday so that will be good. I'm going to go to the Savory James show on Saturday (Represent!!), and I sent Rainey and Brandy a message to see if they want to go to lunch at Holy's on Saturday afternoon, but I doubt I'll hear back. Other than that, don't know what I'll get into this weekend. It will be good to take it easy though.

Bold and Brassy!!

I got a flat tire last night whilst driving to The Ottobar. Luckily, Carmin was going in her car and could pick me up and we never missed a beat, and I didn't get stranded somewhere in the dark, on the side of the road. I have to get all four tires new and let's just say I'm about to be out $619.00. One thing that was nice, was when I texted Nick about the flat, he asked if I needed him to come get me or do anything. Then when I got there he offered to put the donut on so I could drive it home (that was before he understood that I'd left it on the parking lot of a repair shop anyways.), which I thought was very nice and considerate.

But last night proved to be a pretty good time. I'm glad Carm came out for a while. It's so wierd how she knows two of Nick's friends. Sometimes Baltimore really feels like a small town. Anyways, it was awesome to hang out with Nick and everybody was talking and laughing. They played some really good music. I was surprised Rob wasn't out, maybe he had a classified deadline or something. Lame for somebody who gave everybody else shit about not going out enough. At one point, Nick and his friend Laurie must have gotten in a fight outside because when he came in, he was very sullen and depressed for a while and said he was just having alot to deal with right now. I'm not really sure what that means, but I just sat with my arm around him, rubbing his back and at one point, he put his head on my shoulder and just kind of buried his face for a while and I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to convey that I care. After that, he seemed to cheer up a bit and we started singing along and his overall mood improved for the rest of the night. I ended up driving his car home, because, well, for obvious reasons, which I didn't mind at all. I was only the second person other than his parents to ever drive his car other than him. When we got back to mine, we ate our Subway sandwiches and watched a little QVC and HSN (the hilarious catchphrase for last night was "Bold and Brassy"). He said he was going to leave, but ended up dozing off and while I was so tired myself, there wasn't enough room on that damn sofa and I got tired of teetering on the edge, so I slept in in my bed. I could hear Nick breathing (alternating between breathing and snoring haha) out in the living room, and I would listen for it when I woke up to know that the hadn't left yet. When it was time for me to get up (Carm was going to take me to drop off my keys at the repair shop and then take me to work), I went out to the couch to wake Nick up, and he had me lay my head on his chest for a few minutes as he worked his way towards conciousness. A couple minutes after he walked out the door, he called me to offer to take me to work, which I thought was very nice. I wish people from work had been around when he dropped me off.

Had to go pick my car up after work. Dropped $619 for four new tires and an oil change. I didn't really need all four tires now, but you can't do just one new tire and they said they would need to be replaced sooner rather than later, so I went ahead and replaced them all. Why not? I swear, Carm and I cannot get ahead. Everytime it seems like we are going to be caught up with things, some unforeseen disaster drops expense in our laps. God help us once we have this house. I really need that golden goose to fly over.

Anyways, I ate far too much yesterday, and I had done so well Monday and Tuesday and felt really good about myself. Yesterday, I ate too much at conference (shouldn't have eaten lunch at all), then there was yet another going away party in my department, and I had a piece of cake, a brownie, and some cheese and crackers. Carm and I went to the grocery store when she got off and we bought more food than we intended, but all good stuff. I got some of those tortolini's like Nick made the other week, so I'd like to make them one night. I really have been enjoying cooking, and even though it hasn't been anything homemade or difficult, it's still an accomplishment for me and it makes me want to take on more challenging and ambitious meals. We had salad and pizza for dinner. I liked the other pizza, four cheese Freshetta Pizza Amore, better than this one, which was Pizza Amore Supreme or Deluxe or something, with pepperoni, sausage, three types of peppers, onions. Sounds very good, and it wasn't bad, but I just think the other one was better, and this just had a little too much going on. Also, there may or may not have been bacon on it, which I wasn't too crazy about. Honestly, I wasn't even hungry. I could have gone the rest of the night not eating, but Carm was hungry and wanted us to do our dinner thing, which I love, so that was that. I have been eating those chocolate covered expresso beans like mad. Well, not too much, but fairly often.

My crisps arrived from England yesterday. I'm totally excited and told Nick that we'll have to try them next time we hang out, which he said will likely be tonight. I guess his vacation got approved to go with his parents to visit his brother in Ithica at school this weekend, so I would like to see him before he leaves. His friend Rob's band is playing at the Metro Gallery on Saturday and Christina and I are going to go as Nick's representation haha. His band is actually really, really good, so I would like to see them anyways. I may ask for her number and see if she wants to drive together.

I got so sleepy last night (despite the expresso beans) after dinner when we were watching No Country For Old Men, that I had to take a nap for an hour before Top Chef came on.

Last night was a lot of fun. Met Nick at Club Charles around 10:30. Did end up staying till close, but got a fair amount of sleep and don't feel too badly this morning. Hopefully I will get to take a nap when I get off work before Two For Tuesdays. I did get a little more drunk than I'd intended (I don't know what that bartenderess is trying to do to me. Nick says it's because of association with him and she knows to make his drinks really strong.), two white Russians and a vodka and Coke. I have noticed more and more that I remember the next day things from when I was drinking the night before. Like I don't remember it at first, then as the day wears on, things come back to me in bits and peices. I wonder if that indicates a problem? We played some good music and had some good conversation. I am really pleased with all the talking we did last night. While he was at the bar and I sat across at our table, I couldn't help but be a little in awe at the stunning figure he cuts every time I see him. I can't really remember the details leading up to it, but at one point something was said and my response was that I have morals (I can still say that, I believe), and Nick said, I know you do, I've never known anybody like you, or you're definately different than anybody else I've known, something to that effect. My God, if he had known me before what would he have thought haha! We had good conversation and laughed so much and kissed, and when we were at the car getting ready to leave ("We're really bad at goodbyes, aren't we?" he said after we'd been kissing goodnight for about 5 straight minutes inches away from traffic whizzing past on Charles Street.), he was saying something about reading about serial killers, one of my own favourite pastimes, which I have had to refrain from from time to time over the years on account of seeing things a little too vividly, and he mentioned just having read a book about the Chicago World's Fair, I immediately knew he was going to refer to H. H. Holmes. The look on his face was awesome. "All those girls who came in to work for the fair," I said, the recognition, and him knowing that I know my shit. Anyways, we then actually got in our respective cars. I wasn't even hungry, but did have my one indiscretion of the day, I kind of devoured a large portion of a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos when I got home. I don't know why I did it, it wasn't even like I was in that ravenous, alcohol-fueled eating mood that usually inspires fantasising about bowls of cereal whilst still at the bar, or the jublulant stops at Royal Farms for Combos, or detours to Paper Moon for grilled cheese, I wasn't even feeling it that much. I guess it's just my nature to not have been able to have done good all day, I got to find a way to fuck it up, or self-defeatedly "treat myself" for having done good. Anyways, up to that point, I was very proud of myself. I had managed not to eat till dinner, which I made for Carm and myself. I think I am getting more comfortable with using the oven, and yesterday had it on and even took the food out while I was home by myself. If I can totally get past that fear and start to cook more, I will be very excited and proud of myself. I made chicken tenders and garlic mashed potatoes. It came out very good, although, we were both still hungry afterwards. I wish we'd have had some vegetables to make with it or something. I realized, we actually don't have any food in our house haha. Well, plenty of snacks and a decent amount of frozen mini pizza products (although there have been more in the past), and several boxes of potatoes and bags of Lipton noodles, but really, there is an Old Mother Hubbard quality to our cabinets. Carm said she hasn't been able to grocery shop in a long while on account of being broke, and I just went to the store on Saturday, but I want to go back and buy some more real food for dinners. So that was all I had yesterday. An iced coffee on lunch (not even a Frap or decadent beverage), the chicken and mashed potatoes, oh, yeah, and a few chocolate covered expresso beans for desert. So I had done really good. Then I had those Doritos and immediately went to bed, which means they immediately went to my middle. Today, I've had a few expresso beans to keep the energy up, and Vitamin Water. At lunch, I'll get just a coffee, maybe an iced mocha. I'm debating where to go, either the Starbucks by the Record and Tape, to go in and look for the new Kooks album which was supposed to come out today, or across the street to the mall to look for cheap winter sweater/jacket kind of things at my favourite hoochie mama stores that I always manage to find cute shit at. I also kind of want to stop for some make-up wipes at Walmart on the way home, and maybe an eyeshadow, since part of me has started wanting to wear a little make-up every once in a while again.

Club Charles with Nick and Christina on Saturday. Lovely time, with grilled cheese at Paper Moon afterwards. Nick had to take Christina home, so he didn't stay, unfortunately, and I went to lunch with Carm and Allen at Red Lobster yesterday. Saturday night, a couple of interesting things were said. While we were in Club Charles, the warm embrace of alcohol and eachother doing equally good things, Nick mentioned, in the course of conversation with Christina regarding detatching oneself emotionally from sex, he said to me, "but I am emotionally invested in you."

I'm hoping Carm is not too terribly mad at me for him and I making noise, laughing in the livingroom with the television on last night while she was sleeping. I don't think we were too loud that long, but we were cracking up at one point (Oh, QVC and HSN, how I love thee), and she texted me. When I was leaving this morning, I knew better than to try to make regular conversation, but I did say that I'd fed the cat when I was leaving and she said back Ok, or something like that, but she did sound pissed still I suppose. I don't want her to be mad. He didn't get down here till eleven and we watched QVC and HSN. There was an intermission(ary---oh, I am wicked. Terrible double entandre, I know), and when we were done, the first thing he said was, "I wonder if the oil painting expo is on now". It was hilarious. Unfortunately, I had to work today, and at 2 o'clock, I was just like, I got to go to bed. I would have liked him to stay over, but then he would have had to get up and go home at 7, so he left then. He said he'll probably call me today. If we go to Club Charles or anything, I am going to meet him there and not stay till close. I really need to not run myself down again. I can do that staying out all night thing every once in a while, especially if it's a one off and I can recuperate from it, but doing it back to back and having to soldier on just is not happening. Anyways, it is now time for lunch. I am going to have either a coffee or a tea and a delicious cigarette. It's time to get back in order with this shit, especially now that the weather is getting nicer.

Well, last night proved to be interesting. A blast from the past one might say. It had been a long time since I'd been in a car loaded far past seating capacity, heading out to the wilds of northern Baltimore County to a bonfire. Not since the halycon days of TSSB and outdoor gatherings at John Hicks' mother's vast and rambling erm..estate, shall we say, had I endured such an evening so entrenched in the great outdoors and braving all sorts of elements. It rained, then it stopped. There was mud, oh, yes, there was mud. Luckily, I managed not to, at any point in the evening, fall on my ass. While I muttered and grumbled under my breath about the folly of having worn suede shoes on this of all evenings, and fantasized about being in a dry, somewhat efficiently lit bar-like establishment NOT throwing off great flaming embers, it wasn't a bad time. I got to see some good people, got to put faces with names. There were Natty Boh's, and crust punks, and gutter punks, and standard issue punks, and hipsters, and people who defied categorising, and several dogs wandering about for good measure. While the term "Car Party" was never uttered (I like to think we have a patent on that one, Now-Defunct Crew Gang), when, driving home, James' Laid came on the CD player and I instinctively did the drumroll on my knees whilst in unision it was preformed on the steering wheel, I must say, it was a familiar scene. When earlier in the evening, a sing-along to a song so steaped in memory and signifigance and being so indicative of a specific moment in time, "Ok, I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" commenced, I felt, as I have on a number of occasions of late, a wierd mix of nostalgia, heartbreak, and just detatched bewilderment, but like I said before, The Past Is Gone, But Something Might Be Found To Take Its Place.

Ok, so this is evidence of the fact that I have actually been fairly busy this morning at work, and how much like shit I feel today. I never really got to get some sleep when I went home yesterday. Carm and I ate dinner and watched television, and she was in a really good mood and after what we talked about Monday about us not hanging out as much, I really wanted to see her and also not damage my standing by admitting how fucking tired I was from going out all the time. Well, went to Ottobar last night, met Nick there so I wouldn't stay too late, but needless to say, we pretty much closed the place. Today I woke up and my lymph nodes are swollen and my throat and ear hurts as a result. My nose is also stopped up and I keep blowing it. Oh, yeah, and I'm still tired, obviously. So as soon as conference is over, I am leaving work and going home to take some hits of Nyquil and get my fucking head down. I know I can't do this sort of thing all the time, because this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep.

That being said, we did have a nice time at Two For Tuesdays last night. Ran into Kyle and Joe Red, Rob and my replacement were there, as well, so I had to chat with him for a minute. Asked him if they were going to Philly for Vic's art show, but he said no because he's so used to not having a job, the weekend is the only time he has to do anything like errands and going to the gym. Lame-core. I mentioned that we are going up and staying for The Kills show. Then he offered to help us move, to which I just looked at him, like you've got to be joking, and he said I know you wouldn't want me to help you move, I was just saying it as a gesture that I would. I don't fucking get people, I swear. Anyways, Nick and I had a nice time, chatting about Creepy Allen Doppleganger who made his nightly appearence, singing Pulp, and kissing. He said twice last night that he's never known any girl who turned him on so much (I hate that fucking term, I really do). That was prety awesome. We stood on Howard street kissing for a long while when he walked me to my car, completely oblivious to the whole world. Luckily no whoadies came up and accosted us.

Tonight is a staying in night. Carm and I are supposed to watch no Country For Old Men and Top Chef. I plan on sleeping from when I get home this afternoon till late when we watch television. Nick said he'll probably see me tomorrow night. Carm is working. I should really just stay in and rest, but we'll see. I can't wait to get in bed!!

I Am A Zombie Today

I am utterly exhausted. I got I think maybe two and a half hours of sleep last night. I'm sure you can imagine why.

So Club Charles last night. Got kind of a late start, probably was close to eleven when Nick came to pick me up. Yesterday was his first day back to work and he didn't get out till ten or close to it and he had to go home and change before coming down here to get me. Got to Club Charles, were propositioned by a random and infinately shady whoadie outside the bar about buying blow, it was kind of scary, because despite Nick saying, "No, man, not interested", the guy was persistant and stood a little too close to him for my liking. I had kept walking when the guy started to say what are you into blah blah blah and turned around and just kind of stood waiting and was very glad when they did the buzzer at the bar and let us in. I would never buy anything from a random whoadie on the street, anyways, even if I ever was in the market for something.

When we went in, no one was playing music so we played five songs for two bucks, then fifteen for five bucks, so pretty much the whole time we were there, it was all awesome songs we'd picked, and everybody had to listen to our good taste haha! It was nice just sitting and singing along and kissing. I had four, or nearly four white Russians, DELICIOUS!! Had a wee bit of beer right before we left and amazingly didn't feel the slightest conflict from it and the milk. In fact I'd actually forgotten about that till just now. Ah, alcohol. I wonder if anybody who reads this thinks I'm a complete lush. I said something along those lines to Nick, and he said, "No you were never a lush, and then you met me." Which isn't true either. His lezzie friends got there pretty late and when we left, I was drunk and had to pee so fucking bad and after two fruitless and heartbreaking trips to two gas stations, neither of which yielded anything in the way of me empying my bladder, we just came home and God did it feel good to go to the bathroom, especially in one's own home.

Yeah, I am completely exhausted. I totally cannot make a habit of this going out when I have to work the next day. It wasn't even the going out, in this case. It was the "once we got back" that stretched on into nearly 5 o'clock this morning. He fell asleep at the foot of the bed, and I had a hell of a time trying to get him to rotate to lay properly on the pillows and that, but finally did once I got up to take my pill at 6:30. It ended up being easier than I thought to get up and get Nick up and us both out of there in ample time for me to get to work, and once I got here, nearly comatose, I had to go upstairs and get some breakfast food to hopefully give me some energy and counter any alcohol still coursing about.

I was proud of myself yesterday. I didn't eat all day, just a Frap on lunch, a really, really good one, too, and then around 8 or so I had a Red Baron French Bread Pizza. I was going to have mashed potatoes but maybe tonight. I intended not to eat this morning, since I almost never eat breakfast, but I did, so I guess I just won't have anything till dinner, and then just enough to have something on my stomach to go to Two For Tuesdays. I totally need to take a nap when I get home and definately will not stay out, or up, super late like this again. It will have to wait for the weekend.

Well, this was quite a weekend. Nick got back to Bawlmer and Friday night he came down to get me. Met his friend Christina who he went to Idaho to collect. Tiny little lesbian resembling Cameron Diaz. We drove down to Club Charles. Ended up also going to a gay bar somewhere at 22nd and Maryland Avenue. I was a little drunk by then, but I do remember they were playing porn on the televisions and announcing for a 50 50 drawing. Lots of black people. Very strange. We left all of the gay friends there and Nick and I headed for Ottobar, which was a welcome beacon, let me tell ye. I don't care really, I'll go anyplace, just sit back and observe, hopefully get a story out of it. I have a feeling I'm going to end up in a strip club at some point. I've been to one once, but basically walked in and walked back out. I know it would be off-putting for me, but at the same time, there's a part of me that finds it so absurd and laughable an entity, and it would be kitschy. Anyways, we went back to get Christina at the gay bar, and headed home. Nick dropped me off and we both lamented that he had to take Christina back with him to his parents' but that she was going to Annapolis Saturday. Saturday morning, Carm and I were going to that flea market. She asked if Allen could come along, to which I of course said yes, because I love Allen and it in no way felt like an infringement. I did however, note in my head that if I had invited Nick along or anything, she would have probably gotten mad, but I am totally going to hold on to this instance for the future. We went to Cafe Hon for breakfast, which was delicious. Got a coffee. This flea market turned out to be not so much a flea market as a damn junk sale---gutter punks and their home-made quasi-political patches, Carm did get a comic book and Allen got a couple dvd's, but mainly, it was a bust. I swear, those kids just need to wash!! The point was to rebel, but not against soap! It smelt so bad at one point, I had to go stand outside. I would classify this as false advertisement, but it was alright. After Carm went to work, I went to Target and met my Mom and Tony at Olive Garden, then they came over for me to do some massage work on them.

Nick and I went to Rocket To Venus for one drink, then met his friends Rob and Laurie at Holy's. Amazingly, I had four drinks that night and never got drunk at all. I had only three drinks Friday (didn't even finish the third) and I was deliciously drunk. Of course, they were White Russians from Club Charles, so that may have had something to do with it. I had three Vodka and Diet Cokes and one White Russian, then a regular Diet Coke dressed up to look like a cocktail, because I knew even though I didn't feel anything, if I had that fifth drink, it would in all likelihood tip the balance to me getting sick and I am proud of myself for knowing better. We had a lot of fun, and I really like how affectionate Nick is in public. while I don't want to be one of those obnoxious PDA couples, I also am so fond of him and really glad that he must think I'm pretty enough to be seen kissing me or whatever out and about.

I was more than a little downhearted when he said he couldn't stay over, or that eventually he'd have to go home on account of Christina. He said hopefully by next weekend he could stay over again. It did piss me off a little and I was kind of depressed on Sunday, and I know had he not left that morning, I wouldn't have felt that way. But after we came back into the livingroom and had a cig, Nick completely dozed off, and being that I didn't want him to leave really to begin with, and the fact that I myself was very sleepy, we both ended up sleeping on the sofa till 6 in the morning, at which time I woke up and thought we should get in bed (my neck was killing me from how I had been sleeping, well, that or the bite marks haha), so I tried wakingNick, thinking it was so late, or early, depending on how you looked at it, he'd just go home later in the morning, but he said he'd better go home then, and that's what he did. I could have kicked myself for waking him up to begin with. Part of it though was that I didn't want Carmin to come out and see Nick, shirtless and snoring on the sofa.

I did very little Sunday. Went to Hampden for a slice of pizza. I have totally put all of that weight back on. I know I have, no fooling or exaggerating now. It's bad, and I really think I am jolted enough to really stick with getting it back off. I went in Atomic, but just felt kind of blah, so I got gas and shaving gel at Target and went home to take a very enjoyable nap. I texted Nick when I woke up and asked if he was trying to do anything later. He said of course, so I got up and got ready. Christina came with us and we went to Frazier's to see his friend Rob who was working and then he met us at Brewer's Art. Brewer's was actually not super crowded at all, in fact by their standards it was empty, but nice. There was some single occupency bathroom make-out awesomeness. Classy, that's me haha. I love that kind of stuff though. I love that he just pushes me against the wall and, Ok, I have to stop. I had four drinks last night, too, and felt good, but still, not overly drunk by any means. I had a little of the Resurrection beer, Brewer's Art's speciality, too. I am getting better about being able to drink beer now, but that's just if I've already been drinking. We stopped at Subway on the way home and Nick paid for my turkey sandwich, which was sweet. He was only supposed to be coming in for a minute to go to the bathroom and Christina went to wait in his car, and I thought we would make out for a minute before he left, but somehow it ended up being probably twenty minutes of being in various states of undress in the kitchen, against the fridge, knocking off magnets and coupons, on the floor, with crumbs and ash and bits of cat food boring into my skin, and here's his poor friend who is getting so angry I can imagine, sitting out in the car, and my friend on the other side of this wall, and we keep saying that he has to go, he has to go, but we keep kissing, and now atleast we're dressed, because she's called---twice, and we keep going in for one last kiss as he's about to walk out the door, which turns into more and more kisses, emphatic and with more urgency.

Tonight is Club Charles. He said hopefully someone else can take Christina. I'm sure she was furious, and I don't blame her, but I hope she doesn't think it was all me. One other thing she said earlier that night, when Nick was getting our drinks, was that some of their friends were thinking of staging an intervention for him. I don't know what I think about that.

Victor's graduation/gallery opening in Philly is on May 2, and The Kills are also playing up there on the third, so I got tickets and booked a hotel. Nick is going to go with me and give me some money towards it. I'm excited. It will be the last big hurrah before we move to the house and the purse strings really get tightened.

"Yer Boy Is Back In Town"

So said a text I received when I took my lunch. I'm excited to see him tonight. Can't get too out of control, though. That will be tomorrow night.

Oh, Yeah, There Was Caffiene...

Alright, so I had a frap this morning, affagado, which is with a shot of expresso added, no whip, of course. They put it in a venti cup, so it was like Bonus! Anyways, that's supposed to be my sustanance for the day. Then I had to take some Advil, so I had some crackers, not many, less than 10, I swear. Anyways, feeling less shakey now, and hopefully the pain will subside, I wish completely and for good. It's 11 and man, is this day going slow!! Nothing going on whatsoever. I wish I could leave early. I go to lunch in an hour. No idea what I will do to pass the time. Not going to eat, already did the coffee thing for the day. Don't want to spend money, don't NEED anything. Maybe just sit in the car or drive around. Maybe get a sweet tea from Chik-Fil-A, but that involves going to the mall, which involves the risk of buying something-probably shouldn't. I wish I could become bulemic, that sounds stupid, I know, throwing up is really bad for you, I mean, stomach acid burns your throat, it makes your breath smell and rots your teeth. Also, unless it's necessary and has been a sufficient amount of time, you could throw up medicine that hasn't had time to be absorbed fully by your body. So as awesome as it would be to eat and not have it deposit in my body, throwing up is definately not the way to go. Especially because I just feel like it's kind of selling out. I mean, use some fucking restraint and just don't eat, or don't eat so much. I know I'm a good one to say that. Half of this thing is devoted to me bitching about how I can't not be a fat-ass and the self-loathing that accompanies it, but as of right now, even though a small amount of solid food HAS crossed my lips, I feel good that it was hardly anything, and I didn't go overboard. This can tide me over now, and I just wish I could go to bed for a week and wake up skinny. I could do it, too. Maybe I'll take off of work...

I Want A Polaroid Camera

So this week is finally over. Honestly, it went by pretty quick. Nick said he'll be back in Maryland today. I'm excited about that. I do have those plans with Carm for tomorrow morning to go to that flea market at Charm City Art Space and brunch (probably at Daily Grind---coffee and bagels!), but from the afternoon on, I'm all his. When he said that they were going to try to make Maryland last night, I said, "Awesome. Maryland will welcome you with open arms". He texted back, "It's your arms I can't wait to be in, and now I'm going to vomit over how cutesy that statement was" haha!! It was sugary, but I was very happy to hear it. I got a picture text of some Jeff Foxworthy beef jerky he saw in Idaho, but what's worse, is I've actually seen that in a Safeway here in Maryland. Ah, rednecks. When I got home from work yesterday, after stopping at Walmart for toilet paper and Advil, I changed my sheets and put them in the wash and went to bed. So with the exception of getting up to put them in the dryer and put them away (and chat to Carm, although I was half asleep) I slept from around 6 pm to 6:30 am. I took a nice swig (probably a shot's worth) of Nyquil and it was awesome. When I did get up to go to the bathroom, the swollen lymph node and pain in my teeth and ear was non-existent, unfortunately it has returned today with a vengence, and while I can take more Advil, and Thank God it has helped, I really just want it to go away and stay away for real. I haven't been smoking, well, just one yesterday when I snuck out of work to go to Starbucks, when I was feeling better. See, I probably made it worse. Fuck. I guess, if Nick is home tonight, and he wants, I'll see him for a bit, but I have to be able to go to the flea market and hang out with C. tomorrow morning. So mad at myself for eating all this damn Chinese food during conference yesterday. I intended not to eat at all, then the one lady was like eat something, and I just kept going and going. I hate myself for it. I swear, I feel like I ate so much this week, and now that Nick is coming home today instead of Sunday, I don't have that buffer to recover from it all.

We need to find a little couch, like a loveseat, for the third bedroom in our house. We're going to do a t.v. room up there. Have to check Goodwill and Salvation Army.

Cheap and Cheerful

We signed the lease. We move in on my B-day, well that whole weekend really. We went to Ottobar last night. I got drunk and her and I got in this discussion and a lot of things were said and brought up, mostly from her saying that she feels like I neglect her, or I have neglected her to hang out with other people, most recently Nick. The more I think about it, much like the damn thing last week, the more it bothers me and the less I like it. She said last night when we got home that we were cool and everything was good with us, but it still bothers me. I feel like I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm always treading on egshells, and yet it's still wrong. This was after we saw Rob and my replacement and he was asking about the house and all. That made Carm really happy that he was impressed and hopefully a little jealous. I swear, though, you want anything to get back to him, just say it in front of Allen. Rob was asking about the cat and all sorts of things that Allen had told him about. After he walked away, I had to try very hard to stay on this side of the fence, the side that didn't get upset and terribly nostalgic and all that sort of thing.



I feel like shit this morning. I'm tired and feel kind of drunk yet. Just blah. I wish I had called out. Still got whatever this trouble is with my teeth. I think I must grind them at night, that's why I wake up in so much pain. I have been a ridiculous glutton the last few days. It started over the weekend when Nick and I were together, but that was alright, it was really on Sunday that I started going overboard. I had a slice of pizza and a cannoli in Fells, and a hazelnut latte, which wasn't so bad, really, then Carm and I had a big pizza at home Sunday night, and I snacked, and snacked. Monday was out of control, though. Seriously, I don't even want to recount it, there was so much food I ate. Yesterday was a little less, but still an unreasonable amount. Today I will do better. I don't want to become huge in the course of a week and Nick come back to a damn whale. Maybe that's why I ate so much, because I knew nobody was going to see me for a week, subconciously like. Anyways, yesterday was the first truly, truly warm, wonderful day, and hopefully today will be the same so I can go to Starbucks on lunch and sit outside. I can't wait to wear just a t-shirt, another reason to get back down and control the eating!



Nick called me last night while we were at the bar so I got to talk to him for a minute, which was nice, even though it was really loud and I was tipsy. But we'd been texting back and forth all night and I didn't even remember till this morning that I must have texted him when I went to bed and he texted me back that he'll talk to me later and goodnight, darlin. God, I love that he says stuff like that. I love that he evens says it in typed form! Silly, I guess, but I can hear him actually say it in my head when I read it, and I like it. They are only through Montana and have driven four hundred miles. I wonder when he'll get back? I think Sunday he said.



I HAVE to do laundry tonight. All of my jeans are in the hamper and last night I had to wear the new black skinny jeans from Express that I wore Friday night, but Friday night was before the Hampden Convenience Store Buffet, the Fells Point Foodie Fest, and Monday and Tuesday's Gluttony Gorge, so needless to say, while the jeans may have looked good, they didn't feel good, and I definately would have been more comfortable in a different pair, but they were all out of commission. Good thing to remember, don't put things like jeans in the hamper until you are actually about to do the laundry. So, tonight, laundry, Top chef, give Carm my half of the rent so she can pay that Friday. I have to come in at 7 tomorrow to take minutes at this meeting.



I am loving this new music I got into over the weekend. First, Bill played The Kills when we went to dinner Friday. I'd seen them in magazines and heard of them but never actually listened to them, and I was really pleased. So I got their second and newest cd's on Sunday. I'm on a so-far fruitless quest to find their first album, Keep On Your Mean Side. I really, really like them. I'm a sucker for the two-people, boy-girl fronted bands (White Stripes, Raveonettes, now The Kills). The other new band I'm all excited over is The Twilight Sad, out of Scotland. The singer has the thickest burr I have ever heard in singing, more than The Proclaimers even, and you know how much I love that. They remind me a wee bit of Idlewild, another awesome Scottish band I've liked for a long time. Really beautiful. Nick played one of their songs in the car Friday night and I loved it. So I was lucky enough to stumble upon it at Soundgarden Sunday, too.

Carm and I got the house we went to look at on Sunday. The landlord texted me yesterday and said the place is ours if we want it. We're both very excited, it really is a terribly charming house, brick, three bedrooms, built in the 40's, huge rooms, in Hamilton/Parkville. I don't know how we're going to afford everything for a while, but in the words of Project Runway, we'll just have to "Make it work." So we have to give the guy one month's rent, non-refundable, to hold the apartment (I say apartment because we are renting it and not owning it, but it's actually a whole house we're getting) for the month of May, and then we'll move in in June, but the lease at fucking Fox Hall isn't up till the END of June, and the bastards, as expected, are making us pay the entire month of June's rent. They won't let us out early, even though we have never been late and have never gotten any satisfaction out of those people in two and a half years. I will just be glad to be done with them.

What really sucks is that I know I need to not spend money on superfluous or frivolous things, yet there are so many things that I am faced with wanting. More heels, for example. I really like those ones I got, and I'm afraid there is a sleeping shoe dragon within me that has been awakened. The first Kills album, if I can ever find it someplace. Checked Soundgarden, Record and Tape, and CDepot. Nick said to try True Vine, so maybe I'll do that this weekend. Carm and I are supposed to go to a Flea Market at The Charm City Artspace this Saturday, and if there's time, I'd like to go to Hampden. Either that or I could always go back and bum around on my own once she goes to work. The new Kooks album should be coming out soon. Control and Atonement I want on dvd. I really need to go through and get rid of junk, especially now with moving. Oh, it's going to be so good, it's so liberating to purge.

Nick texted me yesterday that it is totally rural out there and he is banging his head against the wall, it is so boring. They start driving today. While I think it would be fun to go on a roadtrip (when Rob and I went to Saratoga Springs the other year, it was a good time), there's part of me that would just get sick of the driving and just want it to be over with, I think. I said I was going to go to Two For Tuesdays tonight, he said he figured. I said the bar may close up if neither of us was there. Carm is supposed to come with me, but we'll see. I told her I wrote up a thing just saying that I'm going to spot the whole security deposit and she's going to pay me her half when she gets it, and I could tell she got made. It offended her that I would do that, and while I know I don't have to, I mean, I know she's good for it and we are best friends and it would never come to me suing her or anything, still, I don't know. I thought it would be good to make everything official. Kind of on account of what happened with Rob and all, even though I know Carm would never do anything like that, and her and I need eachother too much to ever be able to fuck the other over, besides never doing anythinglike that anyways. I told her I was sorry and I didn't mean anything by it, but I can tell she's still mad. I told her I'd throw it away but I guess the damage is already done. Fuck.