The Kids Are On Fire In The Bedroom

The Raveonettes show was awesome Friday night. Bill came to pick me up ahead of time and we went to dinner at Valentinos. That was delicious and I felt full but not bloated and sick afterwards. Still would have been lovely to have a nice cig after on the drive to the Ottobar, but being that Bill doesn't smoke, I had to do without. I was surprised the bar was as full as it was when we got there. I spotted Rob and my replacement right away, but didn't go over and say anything, but I did hope he saw me, because I did look super-cute, if I do say so myself. I wore the patent leather heels that I got for the dress the other week, these black skinny jeans from Express, and that polkadot shirt, very 1940's pin-up girl looking, from Ross the other year. I wanted him to notice, especially the shoes, because it was so unlike what I normally wear, but like I said, A. it's fun kind of dressing up and wearing those heels makes me feel very grown up and feminine, and 2. Nick looks so dapper with his suits and all. Hung out with Bill, everytime somebody older than him walked by (and there were a number of aging hipsters at this show), he would get all excited saying, "That guy's older than me, he's got gray hair!" and that sort of thing. Nick got there and we stood around a bit before the show started. Then he went to talk to some of his lezzie friends and I decided to go over and say hello and congratulations to Rob for getting that job and that. We talked for a good while, in fact, Rob just kept talking and talking and I felt bad because I was supposed to go outside and have a cig with Nick before the band came on. But we shit talked Tony Pence and pondered the mysterious lack of common sense exhibited by Allen when it comes to eating left-overs (eating a cheesesteak on Thursday left over from Easter Sunday). Then he said to apologise to "Hat Guy" and that he's not an asshole from the other Tuesday. He asked if he was Don Scott's son or if that was somebodyelse. I said how did you hear about that, and he said Allen. Allen repeats every damn thing. I guess if I want anything to get back to Rob, I should say it in front of Allen. Anyways, the show was about to start and Nick came back in so that was that. It really is surreal sometimes. I feel like it's somebody else's life I'm watching, like a movie.

The show was fabulous, I rocked the fuck out, dancing in place and singing along. We kept kissing eachother in intervals. I hope there will be some other good shows coming around this summer. Went upstairs after the show for a drink with Nick's friends Rob and Angel and Laurie. Tony was working and I was trying to avoid him, just because he creeps me out, and even though I'm in no way a slag for any of this, it still makes me feel gross that I made out with him and I am now with Nick. But I did have to speak to him at one point and I wanted to ask how Jenn Wyatt was, just to let him know I know, but whatever. It's of negative importance.

When we left The Ottobar, we again sampled some of Hampden's finest convenience store cuisine. Nacho and Pizza Flavoured Combos from the Royal Farms, and Cheesburger Combos from 711 (not very good at all), as well as a couple other snack chips and Almond flavoured soda (tastes like Birch Beer, which is never a bad thing). While we were in there, he asked if there was anything else he should purchase, I knew what he was referring to. I said it was up to him. So yeah, there was that. I am trying to be a normal, sane person, everything was in tact he said and I am on my meds.

Saturday we ate snacks and watched Home Shopping Network and QVC again, cracking ourselves up. Went to see Run Fatboy Run, which was hilarious. God, I love Simon Pegg. Bought Hot Fuzz last week, so I look forward to seeing that again soon, too. After the movie, we went to dinner at Golden West Cafe in Hampden. Good food, but obscenely expensive, like pretty much every place in Hampden. After that we made an appearence at The Nerve Center, which is like an old warehouse or business that isn't quite a venue but more than just a squat, too. It's kind of a bar, but not really. People can bring in their own liquor. Nick's friend Rob's band played (Savery James, they are really, really good.). The best part is because it's not really a proper establishment, you can still smoke inside!! Ah, to barely be able to see across the room about three songs into the set, it was lovely.

Since Nick's flight was early-early Sunday morning, after we left there and got back to mine around 10, he got his car and headed home to pack and all. He said for me not to kiss any other boys while he was away, he definately doesn't have to worry about that. He also said the first chance he has when he gets back he wants to see me, and also do things that are illegal in some states, which sounds fine by me haha! He texted me yesterday as to his progress with his flights and that getting out to Idaho. I look forward to when he gets back.

Really don't feel like I did enough drinking this weekend.

I'm All Lost In The Supermarket...

Well, it's finally Friday, finally the night of the Raveonettes show. I'm surprised, actually, by how fast the week went by, considering I was looking forward to the weekend and all, it usually seems to drag on just for that reason. Last night Nick came to pick me up and we went to his friend Rob's band's show at Sonar. They were opening for Tom Verlaine from Television and I totally thought it would be a pretty big crowd, but there were actually more people standing around when the opening bands were on than the headliner. It let out pretty early (before 12:30) and we were hungry, so Nick suggested we go back to his house and he would make us something to eat. I met his mother, who is very nice and her interaction with him was adorable. She refered to him as Nicky. He made tortolini with a little olive oil and broccoli and bread. It was delicious, and cute as shit watching him flit around the kitchen cooking and that. I do think he will make a good chef if he does end up going to culinary school. I want to make dinner for him now. I wish I had more to my repertoire. Needless to say, as things progressed, the last thing I wanted was for him to have to take me home, but I had to go to work today and I am going presently on about three hours of sleep as it is. Sometimes I open my eyes for a second here and there whilst kissing him, because he's so beautiful and it's just so good to see him.

Rob texted me last night that he got the job with City Paper (which is awesome because he's been telling people he's had that job for years) and that he will see me at the Raveonettes show tonight. I hope he proves to be, as he said he would be last night, sober and amicable.

Carm and I got in a fight on the phone when I was at Sonar last night. I text her too much when I'm drunk, too much stupid shit, I snapped at her Wednesday about not pulling her weight with moving or looking for apartments or whatever. I feel like I always have to walk on eggshells with all the people closest to me and if I am justified to say something, it just makes more trouble. I think we have patched things up now, but it still upset me terribly because I love her so much and I never want there to be tension or cross words between us. She is supposed to get the cat today and go to the doctor's about her legs hurting so I will call her a little later. I also want to tell her about this listing that I got a response on so hopefully we can look at it Sunday or something. I would like to sleep for a couple of hours when I get off of work, before I have to start getting ready and Bill comes to pick me up to go to Valentino's for dinner before the show tonight, but I want to spend time with her, because that's another thing she said is that I haven't been around very much, I guess since Nick and I started dating and I've been out running the streets. So I should probably hang out as much as possible.

By the way, hearing Tom Waits do a version of "A Place For Us" from Westside Story is a pretty surreal experience.

The Past Is Gone But Something Might Be Found To Take Its Place

I have to go to class tonight, well, what I mean is I said I was going to go to class tonight and participate with this one teacher's class doing massage. Of course, as the time draws nearer, I am dreading it and thinking fondly of coming home from work and Carm and I having dinner and then maybe going out to look for houses to rent. We really have to get on that shit. They're going to be sending out the lease renewal packages and we are totally not re-upping, but we need to go check out some of these listings I've found before it gets too down to the wire. We got to have something lined up like. Everytime I've suggested going or we planned to go out, it's never happened and if I could get her to do it tonight, that would be awesome. It would accomplish something that needs to be done, and afford me a justifiable excuse to blow off class. My heart would bleed if I couldn't make it tonight. I know I'm no good. Rubbish.

I have been having heartburn rather a lot again recently. I thought it was from the Einstein's coffee which I started drinking again last week. It's really good and I like it better than Starbucks as far as actual coffee is concerned, but I found that it was giving me heartburn, so yesterday and today I went back to Starbucks' expresso drinks, but right now I have heartburn so I think it may be a combination of just coffee products in general and smoking. I wish I had more Zantac with me, but I only have the two pills and I'm afraid I may not remember to put more in my purse when I get home and be without it when I REALLY need it. I think I will eat at conference today. I only had apples and peanutbutter and an iced mocha yesterday till I went to Olive Garden with Dad and Mary. I ate a lot there, but I didn't end up feeling completely miserable and ready to explode like I usually do, so I was pretty chuffed about that.

Went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Carm had just dyed my hair, and while now when I look in the mirror I do see where she could have maybe gotten a little more dye on the pieces by my ears and right at my hairline in the front, they are really short, fair hairs, and she did do a good job of not getting it all over my face and it staining, so I guess it's either one or the other. Still, she did a good job and I am very grateful for her doing it. So when I went out, I felt pretty confident. I saw Nick when I came upstairs, but he didn't see me, so I just went to the bar first to order my drink. He came up behind me and kissed me, which was awesome. We had some drinks and I got a little tipsy and it was nice. I drank two double vodka and Diet Cokes and later on, after that had worn off, about 3/4 of a Yingling, which I am getting to the point of being able to drink without wincing. I still wouldn't consider myself a beer drinker by any means, but I'm able to tolerate it a bit more. We stayed till last call and they turned the lights on, then sat in his car for a good while, listening to music and making out. I really hope he got home in one piece because he did drink too much, but hopefully sobered up enough after we sat there a while (and after he threw up, which he apologised for having to do out the car on the parking lot.). He said he'd see me Thursday, and then Friday is The Raveonettes show.

One of the songs that came on his mix cd that we were listening to whilst making out was The Gin Blossoms' "Hey Jealousy". I have always loved this song, and it was one of the songs rife with signifigance for Rob and I since we played it at Bel Loch the night of the final Subsist show, February 21, 2004, the night when everything started for us. So that song has always meant a lot regarding that, and what a surreal and ironic thing for it to come on at that precise moment. How does one proceed with such a thing? It makes me sad and elegaic, yet at the same time, the line, "The past is gone but something might be found to take its place" spoke volumes and seems to sum it up as far as me reconciling this juxtapostion. Also, earlier in the night they played The Dandy Warhols "Bohemian Like You", and Nick said he was waiting for someone to play that while he was with me and we sung along. Of course I had the good sense not to say, "Oh, yeah, that is one of the songs Rob put on one of the first mix cd's he made me. That made him think of me, too." I didn't want to make a point fo taking that away from him or saying somebody already did that for me first. No way. It's terribly ironic, though, innit? Oh, and he had a Travis song on the cd, too, and I thought I was the only person who liked them. I would really like to play some of my mix cd's in the car, but they are all ones that Rob made and filled with songs of signifigance to all of that, and I don't want to devalue anything of him and I, I never would, but I'm also not the one who chose to end things and alter our paths, either. I made a point of emphasising to Nick's best friend (also named Rob) last night how fond I am of Nick, and as I told my step-mother yesterday, he is criminally handsome. Seriously.

If Fashion Is Your Trade, When You're Naked, I Guess You Must Be Unemployed

Well, I managed to get down to class for a wee bit last night. God, was that like dying a slow death. I only stayed from 5:30-7, so that's only an hour and a half made up, but, my God, was it boring. I swear, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Once I get the certificate I don't want to hear the words massage therapy. I'm such a fucking loser. I honestly feel sick about it. I know as much as I hate myself for not following through or not applying myself, the distain and misery I feel at having to soldier on and stick it out with this shit, the thought of enduring it, makes me physically ill, as well. It's like I would rather deal with the humiliation and ridicule of not finishing and having wasted almost $7,000 of my grandparents' money than get my ass down there to be miserable and awkward for a few hours. I'm going back on Wednesday to join in with one of the other classes. I can't tell whether that's going to be better or not. I know that I will actually have to be performing massage, which I'm just not in the mood probably to do, but maybe the time will pass quicker than just sitting there watching videos. I swear, that school is a fucking joke, a monument to half-assedness and unprofessionalism. So I said I had to pick Carm up at work and left at 7. I wanted Carm to colour my hair last night, but she's going to do it this evening when I get home from dinner with Dad and Mary, before I go to Two For Tuesdays.

I'd already said I was going to class last night, so I wasn't going to Club Charles, although I ended up getting home plenty early that I could have gone. I didn't want to be too available or whatever, and even though I totally would have loved to have a white Russian and see Nick, I maintained my original plan of not going out, and texted Nick that I was looking forward to drinks tonight at Ottobar. He said he is, too. I am wondering what to wear to the Ottobar tonight. I can't wait for the warm weather to come because I am so sick of wearing coats and rotating the few winter sweaters/hoodies/track jackets I have that fit me. I also feel underdressed sometimes with Nick, because he's so dapper with his suits and fedora, and here I am with jeans and a hoody. Of course, having referenced being underdressed, I have now lapsed into a sort of trance and need to snap out of it. Sunday night when we were out, he was telling me how it was obvious when he went to dinner with his parents that he'd been out the night before, because he didn't have his blazer anymore, his hat was on the back of his head, sunglasses on, tie removed, shirt partially unbuttoned, sleeves rolled up. I said to stop with the visuals because I was going to go into spasms. In fact, describing that just now, my God.

Palermo!!

The weekend officially started at 4:30 Thursday for me. I stopped off at the bank, but was too tired to go to the pharmacy, as well, so I figured I'd do that at some point Friday and proceeded home where I devoted myself to equal parts laundry and nap. I texted Nick about Run Fatboy Run not coming out till NEXT weekend (now this coming weekend) and then he asked if I wanted to grab a drink when he got off work. We went to Club Charles. Actually, come to think of it, I think I ended up in Club Charles every night from Thursday on except last night (which was Ottobar haha). Closed up Club Charles and then went to Paper Moon for grilled cheese sandwiches. It must have been three or close to it when we got home, I don't know when we actually fell asleep. Friday morning, well, afternoon, really, we went to Checkers, then sat around watching television till Nick had to get ready for work and when he left I did my running around to Video Americain to return videos, Giant to get my meds, Walmart, and Target. Came home and took a nap. He came back down around 10, and we went to Brewer's Art, which I hadn't been to in a while. It has always been so intolerably crowded every time I've been there, and it was still pretty packed, but maybe not quite so bad this time. I drove, so while I got a little tight initially, I'd sobered up by the time we left, just in time to stop by Club Charles for last call. We stopped at the Royal Farms in Hampden on the way home for him to get cigs, and we each got a bag of Combos. We had to drive down the block to the 711 because the Farm Store was out of hotdogs, so at close to three o'clock in the morning here we are eating hotdogs driving down University Parkway. Breakfast Saturday morning consisted of Combos and flat Coke, and watching info-mercials and Home Shopping Network. Hilarious. We decided to go see Funny Games at The Charles Saturday night, so we parted company basically just to get ready. We had ordered some Chinese food earlier, which I was REALLY not impressed with, and I felt pretty crappy, so I took two sets of Zantac maybe an hour apart and felt better. We had to race to get to the movies on time, which we managed to do, just as it started. Great picture, really enjoyed it. Disturbing and thought provoking. Crossed the street to Club Charles to commense the drinking. I did get tipsy early on then diluted with Diet Coke for the rest of the night till sobriety made a triumphant return. We had the table right next to the Jukebox and got to play some real gems. We ended up at a hotel party one of Nick's friends was at, and while we were only supposed to stop in for a minute, I think we ended up being there for well over an hour. I swiped a bag of Goldfish, so I was happy. The funny thing is we were supposed to make it an early night on account of both of us having to get up around 11 to go with our parents to Easter dinner. Needless to say that did not happen, and while we woke up a little before that Sunday morning, I ended up being late getting to Mom's. I was supposed to be there by 12. She called at ten after and I said I was on my way, when really I was still in bed (I stopped short of saying I'm coming, well, one of us was atleast haha. Terribly vulgar, I know.). I was sure she was going to be pissed as anything all day, but surprisingly enough, it seemed to evaporate completely. Nick left his phone by mistake so when I got back I had to call his parents' house (his dad answered and I could totally tell it was him. How retarded is it that I'm just like, "Oh my God, it's Don Scott!"). So he had to stop by to pick that up and I ended up meeting him at Ottobar around 11. He was playing pool with his friend Rob, and I was only going to stay for a drink, but, as you can probably imagine, time vanished in great big quanities, as has been happening of late, and I got to bed at 2. I slept really well, and while I totally wish I could have slept more this morning (that goes without saying), I still got up without any real difficulty, although I wish I could go straight home today after work instead of going to that stupid school to start making up my fucking hours.

I'm so glad Carm and Allen are back together. They really are too good to not be.

Countdown To Three Day Weekend

As I could have predicted, I got a message from Rob while I was in work saying that he couldn't remember anything of what he said Tuesday night, but that he was pretty sure he'd been ridiculous and he was apologising. I called him back, and we spoke for a couple of minutes but he was eating dinner so it wasn't a very long conversation. He called me later that night saying basically the same thing, and to ask what, specifically, he'd said. I gave a basic run-down, trying not to get too into it, and while I wanted to say I don't want this sort of thing interfering with what I'm doing now, I didn't want to make trouble, so I figured I'd just leave it at saying it's fine for us to speak when we see eachother out, but I would prefer for him not to be so bloody drunk when he comes over. I did mention the main thing, which was the concern for how the fuck he was getting home, which, thankfully, he did, in one piece.

I took a nap when I got home from work, after checking MySpace and friending Nick. I'll see if he friended me back today when I get home. I got up in the evening to eat two bowls of Special K Protein Plus and finish some Goldfish and Carm and I watched Top Chef. Nick texted me about his shift never seeming like it would ever end last night and how he'd have to wait for the eleven o'clock reairing of Top Chef. We chatted for a bit.

Don't know if I'm doing anything tonight, although I'd like to, since I am off tomorrow. Three Day Weekend!! I was thinking Run Fat Boy Run came out in the movies tomorrow, but it actually doesn't come out till NEXT Friday, so that sucks.

I'm about to go to conference, which I am doing solo today, no doctor so I'm just projecting shit. I planned on taking that sweater I bought for last Friday back to Macy's today on my break. It's 12 noon now, so once 4:30 comes I am free!!

Went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Met Nick there. We had some drinks and it was a lot of fun. I spotted Rob and my replacement when I came in and later on I had to pass right by them when we went out to smoke. I hadn't said anything, but we'd texted eachother a couple of times. Then when Nick and I were coming back in, Rob was coming from the bathroom and we started talking. Rob was so drunk. It bothered me that he was like that and while all of the familiarity and feelings rose up, and I felt like I could have started crying if I'd let myself. Really, my one prevailing thought was that I knew it wouldn't change things between us and I really want and am excited about Nick. Rob told me how great I am and how I deserve the best of everything and whoever I'm with needs to treat me well and if they don't fuck em, among other utterences of, "I'm not trying to put the moves on you", to which I said I know, "I don't try to pretend that what we had and the last three and a half years didn't happen, and if I was ever with somebody and they couldn't accept that we are still friends I wouldn't be with them", and a great big, "Don't talk to Tony Pence, he's a piece of shit", which is an opinion I've already come to hold on my own. It mainly bothered me that he was so drunk and that loss of control for me to know that he got home ok and all that sort of thing. When I went to sit back down, because I felt so bad talking to Rob while Nick just sat over there, Nick asked me if he was just a rebound, that he could tell my ex still freaked me out or whatever. That really upset me, and it kind of made me feel like shit because I honestly do not think that is in any way the case. I know how things with Pittsburgh were, I know that was just a killing time, bit of flattery, bit of company thing. Same with Tony, but seriously, I feel completely different with Nick. I genuinely am terribly, terribly fond of him, and I really want him to know that. I am not completely over Rob, there is that part of me that maybe will always mourn for what we lost and all of that, but I do believe I'm way better and more accepting and enthused about the future than I was. I really need Nick to know that I am not hung up on Rob to where he is just a distraction. I told Rob I'd call him today (I also need to check LiveJournal). I bet he doesn't even remember half of that stuff from last night. I don't want that stuff interfering with anything. The funny thing is, I felt really good being out and wanting to be seen with Nick, not just to be rub it in Rob's face or anything, not that it would have that effect, because he's with Melanie and he's the one who started seeing someone else first, but just because I really do like him and feel really good being out with him, but the funny part is that it was like Rob didn't even notice it, or maybe he didn't want to notice it, like he was deliberately ignoring that I was there with him. When he said something about enjoying being a single girl, I said, well, I'm not a single girl anymore at the moment, he just skimmed right over it, like he didn't hear it. When I talk to him today, I'm going to tell him, not to make trouble in any way, but that when we see eachother in the future and speak, I really hope he will be less drunk and less, well, just less drunk. Like I said, he may not even remember half the stuff that went on. I haven't said anything specific about Rob and I breaking up, like that it was six months ago or that we were, in fact, engaged, or that we'd been together three and a half years. I guess I should mention those things, just to put it in context, but I really am not going to have all of that overshadow what is at present.

Nick and I ended up closing up the place, and then standing out on the side of the Ottobar making out before we finally went to our cars and headed home. We had started kissing, and he pushed me against the wall of the building, it was awesome. It is so hard to stop kissing him, and I was really pleased that he said the same thing to me. Then he said he doesn't know how he ended up with the hottest girl in the city, but it's pretty cool. Makes me blush, the boy must have poor vision haha.

I don't want seeing Rob yesterday to lessen or spoil any of the awesome excitement and incredibly strong attraction I have been feeling for Nick. We were supposed to take the night off and he wants to watch Top Chef, which Carm and I probably will do, too, but then his friend also said something about going to Ottobar with him and what he flat-out refers to as his rebound girlfriend tonight, so we'll see. I wouldn't mind seeing him, especially to reinerate that he is NOT a rebound! I don't want that dark cloud or the spectre of mine and Rob's relationship hovering over this, dammit.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Nick still wanted to go out at night when he got off of work. We went to Club Charles. I am not getting my hopes up and I am not getting my heart set on anything, but I am terribly smitten. Never before have I gone on a first date that has lasted literally into the following day, then, following a brief several hour hiatus, resume for another date lasting even longer into the next day. That was Sunday, and last night we went out to Club Charles, then ran in Frazier's as they were closing, to buy Natty Boh's and make out in the ladies' toilets. I picked him up, so then we went back to his house. Didn't see his dad, but my God, they have a palatial estate. Very fucking posh, a beautiful house. We watched some Mystery Science Theatre's and then basically made out for like three hours again. I did assert that nothing else was happening just yet, to which I was pleasantly surprised for him to say it was actually really nice to not jump into that so quickly, because it's usually after one date. I'm not easy, but I will say that I definately will not be making any of the old mistakes again, and honestly, I am so fucking attracted to him, it's ridiculous. So he asked what now, do we say we are dating, are we boyfriend and girlfriend? I said it was up to him. He then said there was no one else he'd want to date right now, so that is that. I said there certainly wasn't anybody else I wanted to date either, which is very true. So tonight is Two For Tuesdays, and despite my not having slept at all last night, I am looking forward to it. I literally came home at 6:30 this morning to change my clothes and come straight into work after being out last night. I plan on sleeping for a few hours once I get home from work today. I am incredibly tired, although it was worse earlier. He keeps saying that I am gorgeous and the hottest girl in the city, but I'm afraid my looks are starting to go, showing my age, and my skin is uneven and by my standards (which is nothing like anyone else's) breaking out. I need to drink more water. That's why now, along with my great big coffee from Einstein's (which is delicious, by the way. Forgot how good their coffee is.), I am drinking a big cup of water. I worry that the smoking is aging me, too, but I am so glad that he smokes, and drinks. I want to friend him on MySpace, but I don't want to seem too clingy or something. But...

I want to friend the shit out of him.

Carm was talking to Allen this morning when I got home, so hopefully the embargo is over and they will be Ok.

Well, the opening Friday was awesome. I'm totally not going to get my heart set on anything or go overboard, but I really had a good time, and I will say that I am terribly smitten with Nick. He picked me up Friday and as we were driving to the museum, one of the first songs that came on his cd player was Underwear, by Pulp. So that alone was a bonus. The opening was fancy and I felt good about how my dress and everything turned out. He looked very dapper ( my God, he is gorgeous.) and afterwards we went to Club Charles, where we got to sit in the little room. The jukebox is still working again. I had a couple of my favourite White Russians (Club Charles makes the best White Russians!!) and all in all had a lovely time. The neighbor from across the street was there and texted me, but still didn't come up to talk to me face to face, because he's too shy. Ridiculous---how can anybody be that fucking shy? We closed the bar basically and watched Shaun of The Dead and by then it was four in the morning. I broke the streak or spell or taboo or whatever you want to call it of someone other than Rob being in the apartment, sleeping in the bed. Yeah, he stayed over. I swear, he has the softest, smoothest skin EVER, he is so FUCKING hot, it's ridiculous. I had plans to have lunch with Mom Saturday, so when he was getting ready to leave we made plans to go out Saturday night. We ended up going to some punk kids he knows house in Barclay street, because his friend had broken up with her boyfriend and was in a bad state. We left and went to Rocket To Venus, where we ran into Steve and Rainey (I forgot it was her B-day, I felt so bad). It was so good to see her and chat for a bit. I introduced her to Nick, and it was really nice to be seen with him, especially because he stood with his arm around me and I think may have even kissed the top of my head while we were talking to her. I will have to catch up with her soon. We had to go back to that punk house after we left Rocket to check on his friend. I swear, it was just like back when John Hicks used to have TSSB Night. I guess if you've been to one punk party you've been to all of them. Cops blocked off 25th at Barclay and the other end of Barclay, as well, and they had shotguns, some serious shit must have gone down. I have to look it up on the computer to see what happened. It was a wee bit scary. Nick wanted to stick around and see what would happen, but I had to pee, and I also didn't want to die. Saturday ended up stretching into Sunday afternoon. Carmin broke up with Allen yesterday, or they are on a break for a few weeks, so I had to definately focus on that for the rest of the day. I really hope Allen fucking gets it, and starts putting more effort into her and not be so stuck up Rob's ass. They may find themselves with only eachother because they will have pushed everybody else away. I took Carm for coffee at Donna's and then we watched Rock of Love. I hope Allen misses her and learns a little something from all of this, instead of just drinking himself into oblivion or fucking somebody in the interim.

Yet again, I started out with the best intentions. I planned to not eat much at all in leading up to the opening tonight, but ended up with that little peice of garlic bread, a Mocha Chiller from Gloria Jean's, a damn peice of cake for this one girl at work's going away party (didn't eat the icing. I hate icing.), and then I got roped into going to another girl's going away party at El Salto where I had two chicken tacos, rice, refried beans, chips, and some fried ice cream that really wasn't very good. What a weak, miserable person I am. I swear, it is easier for me when I don't have all of this free food or peer pressure to engage in eating. There is another going away party for yet ANOTHER girl at work TODAY, that I will have to deal with, as well. Whatever am I to do? I also was thinking I should eat some before the opening tonight on account of drinking, which I do intend to do. I'm so rubbish.

I really hope I have enough time to get ready tonight.

Carm pulled out of going to Ottobar last night, big surprise. We had dinner when I got home--- salad with field greens and red and green peppers. It would have been fine had we left it at that, or if I had left it at that, but she decided to make a little pizza with it, so I made one, as well (atleast it was a Lean Cuisine one, not too terribly delicious), then followed that up with two of those damn Godiva Truffles. I swear, we need to not have stuff like that in the house, because I simply have no fucking will power anymore. Vic called yesterday that he is in town this week, so he was going to meet me at Ottobar last night (I was also supposed to see Nick to discuss this art opening thing). It was so good to see Victor, and we got to talk and co-miserate and echo eachother's sentiment on his break-up with Nikki, although truth be telt, what she did is far worse than mine and Rob's situation. Rob happened to go to Ottobar last night, too, and came over to talk to me before Victor got there. He has a job interview today and then he and Victor are going to dinner. Victor said to me later on that he was going to make Rob feel so bad telling him about him and Nikki's situation. So Victor and I got to talk a good deal. I had to keep apologising or making rounds to talk to Nick, explaining the situation. I have to call Nick today or text him my address, so he can pick me up for Friday. Appearently it IS a super-fancy, high society sort of affair. I have to get a dress. He said I was the first person he thought to ask, and didn't know to say date or accompany, because he wasn't sure which one I would want it to be, I just laughed and said I was glad he asked and that I was excited. I guess we'll see which one it will turn into. He said he's not really the dating type, to ask someone out or whatever, whatever exactly that means. Does that mean he's not really comfortable going through the whole asking someone out, official date kind of thing, or that he's not really into dating, as in relationships? I don't know. I may stop by Victor's parents' on my way home from work tomorrow to see the Buick. I wish he wasn't going back to Philly so soon, but hopefully I can go up and see him there sometime in the near future. When I got home at two last night, I had two bowls of Special K Vanilla Almond cereal. I really shouldn't have, I don't know why I did. I just got really excited thinking about cereal while I was in the bar, and started looking forward to going home and having it.

Anais' Big Idea

Here's something interesting I just read. Anais Nin wrote a book called the House of Incest, and surprisingly enough, in this piece of writing, the incest she refers to is actually a metaphor. It refers to seeking out someone who is just like yourself, and the things you love about them are the things you share with them, thus leading you to really just loving yourself. It is easier and safer and in ways satisfying, but ultimately not really love because it is not expansive and accepting and embracing that which is foreign. I found this to be interesting, because what I am always on about is wanting to be with someone who IS just like me, and lamenting how much Rob and I have in common and connect on. It is true, though, and I don't nesessarily think it is wrong to seek out those qualities in another that you love within yourself. I mean, does that count as narcissism, or just wanting to connect with someone and not have to go explaining yourself and your interests every ten minutes?

Last night Rob called me and we spoke for probably close to a half an hour. He called to ask if I'd called Vic and if I'd heard anything about whether him and Nikki had broken up, but I hadn't called him Sunday, like I was thinking of doing. So then we just talked about music, and the Jonathan Richman show, and his going to the Lithuanian Hall. It breaks my heart how easy and effortless our conversations are, even now. I really believe we had something that needn't have been cast to the ashes. There was a part in this Norma Shearer movie with this beautiful wedding, and because it actually was the 1930's, oh, her dress and hair looked so beautiful, and it just reminded me of all our plans and how I won't have that now.

Later last night, while Carm and I were watching Flavor of Love (ridiculousness), I got a text from Nick asking what I was doing Friday. Carm says, "That kid really wants to take you out, he keeps asking you." I said I was planning on going to Reaction at the Sidebar, but what was he doing. He asked me to accompany him to an opening at the BMA. He said he's coming to Two For Tuesdays tonight and we'll talk about it more then.

Carm and I had spaghetti last night, with garlic bread. I was then pretty bad and finished that box of Whoppers Malted Milk Balls, and later on during Flavor of Love, some Goldfish. I'm getting ready to go to lunch now. I think I'll just get a coffee. They have Belgian Waffles in my department for some reason and the nurses keep saying to come back and have some, but I am resisting. Tonight, Carm and I are going to have salad and I'm not sure what else for dinner. I should probably eat a little something with substance, since I would like to get just a little bit tight this evening (seeing how I've been doing so little drinking of late). We'll see.

Yesterday, when I finally got home, it was around lunchtime and Carm and Allen and I went to Outback. Caesar Salad, grilled chicken, Aussie Chips, and (too much) DELICIOUS honey wheat. Then we went to the Goodwill and walked around before getting Fraps. I crashed that afternoon and slept for a couple of hours. When Carm and I got up around 7 or so, she said she had a taste for icecream, and since I could see that last week, as bad as things had gotten with my eating and it's consequences on my figure, I did see an almost complete return and improvement by Saturday after having really behaved, so I figured Sunday would be a feeding day, and we went for icecream. I polished off what was left of the bag of Goldfish I started on Friday night.

Carm suggested that we have spaghetti for dinner tonight. She is supposed to stop for garlic bread on the way home, but if she doesn't and all we have is the pasta, that'll be Ok, too. I think I had enough bread yesterday for the whole week!

So when I finally got to leave work Thursday, later than I should have, after experiencing the sheer bedlam that is my job, I was all excited because I was off on Friday. As I was going out, my phone went off for a text and it was Tony saying something had come up and he wouldn't be able to go out, but that he'd call me and he was sorry. So I was a little bummed about that, then I discovered that my car had been fucking towed by those bastards at my work for illegal parking bullshit. I had to call Carm to come get me and the next morning (Thank God I was off), take me all the way to Cockeysville to get my car back, after paying $305.00 that I totally could have paid some bills with. Motherfuckers. Anyways, I finally got to talk to Tony yesterday and he told me that he felt he owed me the knowledge that he and his ex-girlfriend spoke the day before and while he knows nothing of what, if anything, this talking will lead to, he felt I should know about it and then make a decision. You've GOT to be kidding me. Here he was saying that I can decide whether I want to say, "I'll talk to you when you sort that out and decide what you're going to do with your ex-girlfriend", or ,"I still want to hang out and if you end up getting back together with her, whatever". Just a very laissez faire attitude. He said it may come to nothing, that's how up in the air it is, and it has only been discussion. I didn't know what to say. So we went that night to the movies to see The Bank Job, which was pretty good. I then started wondering, and said outloud, "After what you told me earlier tonight, what must you think of me?". He said he thinks nothing unbecoming of me, whatsoever, it was him that said let's hang out, so if anything, it makes him look bad, not me. Ofcourse, this also speaks, prehaps to his character, to proceed in this way.

I was going to the Jonathan Richman show at the 8 x 10 Saturday night and then on to Automatic at Ottobar afterwards and Tony was supposed to be working that night. I sat talking with Carmin that afternoon and she told me that Allen had been asked by Rob if I was hanging out with Tony, because he said that he was still seeing Jenn Wyatt, still sleeping with her, and by what Allen said, pretty recently, and that basically Rob was concerned that Tony was playing both of us. So here is yet MORE information, things to bother me, but also things for me to hold in the forefront of my mind to keep a degree of cynicism. So maybe he is just having a ego trip that he can go out with two girls at once and all of that. If that's the case, then he's full of shit. I think I may casually mention Jenn Wyatt's name at some point to see if there is a reaction. I also wonder, if Tony is still seeing Jenn Wyatt, if he will have mentioned the thing with the ex-girlfriend. I don't know. I ended up staying while they closed the bar for the night. I will admit, it felt pretty cool getting in for no cover, thanks to Craiggers, who is so damn adorable, and hanging out after the bar closed and getting to smoke once everybody but the employees had left.

Despite having hung out with him initialy after receiving this information, the more I think about it, the less I like it, and the more I think it illustrates characteristics that I don't think I'd like to be privvy to.

Baby Steps

Tony and my Mom brought the exercise bike over last night, so I'm excited about riding that. The speedometer and odometer and the thing that tells you how many calories you've burned has died, but that's Ok, I guess. It's sitting in the livingroom right now, and it does look like shit sitting there, and I know Carm doesn't want it to stay there, but I'm not sure that I can fit it in my room, either. I wish there was room in the kitchen or something. I'll have to rearrange stuff in my room, I guess. I have more stuff to go through and get rid of Friday when I go to the Salvation Army. I hate that I own so much. I don't know what to do about it, though. I can't get rid of everything, but I can't keep everything, either.

I did text Rob about whether he heard any more about Jon and Kallen, but he said no, not from them and we agreed it's wierd they only told a college aquaintance. Then we just texted about movies and stuff. I thought of the saddest thing the other week, that being that I honestly believed that he would always love me. My faith in all matters is shaken.