At Street Level

Well, yesterday proved to be interesting. Ended up not going to dinner with Victor, he had to make dinner for his parents, so we spoke for a bit on the phone and arranged to go for a drink that evening. I had all these plans of getting packing done when I got home, but ended up eating a salad and watermelon (and a Nutrigrain bar) and taking a nap. I had another one of those waking with a start things where I woke up at 8 o'clock at night and thought it was 8 o'clock in the morning and that I had overslept for work. Got up and watched last week's Top Chef with Carmin whilst waiting to hear from Victor (ate some Goldfish). Got a text from Nick saying that our reservations for Bicycle are at 7:45 on Sunday. I'm very excited (looked at the menu just now, hope I find something I like, it's all very fancy like the concoctions they make on Top Chef and that.). While I was still waiting to hear from Victor, Nick texted me to say that Phoebe wanted him and I to come to a friend of her's show at a house on Calvert Street, so even though we don't normally do anything on Wednesdays, after Top Chef was over, Nick came down and I came back from seeing Victor and Co. at Racer's (Victor got there late so I only got to see him for like fifteen minutes, but hung out with Kyle. So glad we have become friends, good guy.). Hung out with Phoebe, just going over drama drama drama in the scene. It's funny how I don't really have a scene anymore, or what I should say is the scene I was part of has kind of whithered away or people have grown up or moved or whatever. None of it really matters, it's just conversation. Tickets for Alkaline came in the mail. Very excited about that, as well.

Other than getting a six-pack of Natty Boh to take to this thing on Calvert (which was over by the time we got there, I drank one, Nick drank two.), which only cost like $3.75, we spent no money last night, which was nice. Came back to mine, then when he dressed to leave at around three, I remarked that it was like fleeing the scene of a crime. It does bother me when he leaves like that, but that way I do get out of the house on time in the morning if I don't have to rouse him from his slumber haha. Still, it saddened me to let him out the door, dressed almost exactly like he was on Easter, suit jacket off, shirt sleeves rolled up, tie unfastened, trilby on the back of his head, gorgeous. He said he'll see me tonight or something. Wonder what, if anything is happening about town. Tomorrow night is Kallen's going away party wich I may or may not stop by. She still never called me back from last Friday when I tried to hang out with her. Eh, whatever.

I am leaving work early today, as soon as I get all the stuff together for conference, I'm going to shoot for noon or maybe even eleven to go to the bank and get the money for the move and all and stop by Target before going home for some hardcore packing. Carm's off and it is down to the wire.

Twofers

Just finished a delicious apple. Still trying to lose weight and eat salad and fruit this week, although I did fall off the wagon last night. Had a great big, wonderful salad for dinner (romaine, green pepper, roma tomato, cucumber), then some Goldfish before heading out, only to put a little something on my stomach, since all I'd had yesterday was the fruit cup from Starbucks and the salad for dinner. So that wasn't so bad, but coming back from The Ottobar last night, Nick suggested some Hampden cuisine, so we had hotdogs from 711 (and I subsequently got mustard all over my jeans somehow.). I ate that mainly because I was drunk. Not drunk in that "Woo-hoo! Let's eat something" kind of way, but in that "I am a little more drunk than I'd like, let me eat to soak up this alcohol" kind of way. So much for eating COMPLETELY healthy this week. This morning I have an iced grande triple mocha and I just had that apple. At conference will try not to eat and if I do, only salad or fruit.

Went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Had the pleasant surprise of seeing Victor (who said he didn't bother calling me because he knew he'd see me there), Joe Red, and Kyle. Of course, Rob and my replacement were there, as well, and Davis. So good to see Victor, he should be home for good in July. We are supposed to go to dinner (possibly Brewer's Art---why do good food dilemmas keep presenting themselves? How am I ever supposed to lose weight?) tonight. Very excited. Want to be home in time to watch Top Chef. Still got packing to do and all.

Picked up Nick, later lamented this when we came back. Really wished I didn't have to leave, but that goes without saying. Got my three hours of sleep, still feel a little drunk when I put my head down, may also be from the caffiene in my coffee. Had a very nice time last night. Look forward to tomorrow and seeing him and being done with work till Tuesday. He's so gorgeous. I know I sound like a broken record, but my God, he is.

The three-day weekend unfortunately came to a close and I am back at work today, but this will only be a three-day work week for me since I am off Friday, as well. So hopefully today and the next two will pass quick enough and in that time I can get the remaining packing stuff sorted out. Friday when I got out of here, I had totally checked out and thought nothing more about this place or any loose ends or any of what would await me when I got back. Took me the first full hour atleast just to sift through the mound of shit piled on my desk. Friday night went to Flip's in Hampden back by the mills and that with Rob and Angel. Have had better times, but it was lovely to come home and go to bed. Saturday was gorgeous (as was the entire weekend, really smashing weather), and it was a shame we didn't go to Brew At The Zoo, but we spent a good deal of time outside anyways. Stopped off at Nick's for him to change his shoes before he had us head to The Walter's on some mystery mission, shrouded in secrecy, for him to run in the museum whilst I circled the block and picked him back up. When he got in the car it was revealed the purpose of the trip was for him to procure my B-day present, a map of the London tube system from the Walter's current Maps exhibition (which I want to see before it closes.). It is lovely, and while it didn't cost much, it makes me very happy and Nick said how my face lit up and I looked like I had an orgasm when he gave it to me. I got a frame for it at Target last night and I am going to hang it in my room at the new house. It looks super cool. We went to The Wharf Rat down by the stadiums and had delicious fish and chips and I even had a beer (very British, got my map, pub fare, pint). Sat outside in the beautiful weather. Then, stuffed to the gills, we went to work it off at the park. Only got to Druid Hill once this weekend, but it was still good. Probably won't get there this weekend because of moving and my B-day, but totally want to go and enjoy working out there as much as possible. We walked around the lake, which is two miles, ran 100 meters, used the olipticle machines and some of the others. Saw more beautiful orioles. Didn't get to go down the slides this time, way too crowded. Of course The Brew was going on on the other side of the park in the zoo, and when my Mom called me as we were getting ready to leave, she said she had just seen a girl that looked like me walking there as they were leaving The Brew. That was funny, because it was in fact us walking around the lake. We left the park and Nick had us go up to Television Hill to see the view, which would be even better when the trees aren't fully in bloom. Left there and headed back to his by way of the Starbucks in Mt. Washington (promptly undoing any good the exercise would have done). Then we hung out a bit looking at a map of Baltimore from the 1800's that his mom has before I left to go home and get dressed and came back to pick him up. We headed to The Owl Bar. I had been wanting to take him there and while it was wierd not having been there since I think maybe my B-day last year, and of course on account of the fact that I was supposed to have been getting married there this year, I was glad to go and show it off and it is just so beautiful. I was really glad that Nick ended up liking it and the next day he told somebody how cool it was. It was dead that night, though, which was really wierd and disconcerting to me because I really hope they are not falling upon hard times or anything. I think it may have just been because of the holiday weekend or something though because the bartender said last weekend was busy. We got dinner there---wonderful Margherita pizza for me (my favourite!) and Nick got a burger (with bacon, of course), several drinks, including my SoCo Amaretto. Then over to Brewer's, for last call, where the Cherry Beer that I so enjoyed last week was nowhere near as good. I suspect it was either because I was drunk last week when I tried it and it tasted better for that reason (although, I was a little drunk Saturday) or they used all of their good beer for The Brew earlier that day and this was a sub-par batch.

Sunday we went to Riverside Park in South Baltimore for The Baltimore Tattoo Museum's Kickball Tournament and Cook-out. I so wanted to go to a cookout this weekend so I was really glad we found one. It was free yet, and while I really wished I would have brought something, the food was delicious and there was beer. I was in total Summer-Cookout mode, because I was drinking beer of my own volition and it tasted pretty good out in the sun. It wasn't even fancy beer. The weather again was so beautiful and there were so many awesome dogs to watch. We stayed there for several hours (grazing, I ate so much!!) then went to Fells to meet Christina and Cyntia for pizza and went to Soundgarden. Got The Kills on vinyl and an Amy Winehouse dvd. We were supposed to go to Ottobar with Rob and Angel but there was drama between them so Nick went out with Rob and I hung out with Carmin, didn't want to see Angel, and while Carmin and I had it out again about me abandoning her and not hanging out enough, it ended up alright and us talking about the new house and regular conversation. Nick came back over to sleep and yesterday we went to his for a Monty Python marathon on BBC America (Brilliant!!). I went out with Carm for ice cream and Target. Very cool. Tonight's Two For Tuesdays. Very excited. Plan on getting some more on the packing front done before going out. Really not too terribly much left, amazingly. Still need to go through and get rid of more stuff. Must be merciless.

Ate so fucking bad all last week, this weekend espceially. Totally committed to eating very, very litte this week, and ONLY salad and fruit. I know I will be bad again this weekend, so I must fast as much as possible. Seriously put every ounce back on, but have faith I can drop it.

I went to lunch with Jen, and somehow managed to consume TWO bagels, fucking fat cow that I am (but actually, I didn't feel that stuffed-miserable-over-ate way that I normally do). I should have gotten the tuna on a bagel, then I would have been full, but I opted just for a bagel and cream cheese, and then I wanted a cookie, but they were all out, so I got a cinnamon sugar bagel. Glutton. Whilst out, I checked my voicemail and there was a call from Rob, so when I got back I called him at City Paper and we discussed Brew At The Zoo and the new Fletcher's unveiling benefit dinner for the Lieukemia Society that Craigger's and Matt are hosting and whether I was going to it or not. I said probably not since it's expensive, which is why I'm not going to the Brew, and he said it's a shame I'm not going because I will miss seeing Ralph and Lauren, which is what we named the two otters we used to watch and take pictures of in past years. I wanted to say, why did you have to say that, why did you bring that up? It made me sad and feel wierd, like what purpose does that serve? Yes, you and I have a million wonderful memories, they weren't enough for you to not break up with me, so while I acknowledge and value so deeply those memories, why does he need to say that? Also, before that, the hylacon days of Sonar were brought up, and he said as much as it sucks now and has for some time, he tries to remember the good times and I said, well, that's all we can try to do for anything, which is true. Lastly, he mentioned that he goes to bed early now on account of getting up for work and I laughed at how incredibly different everything is now, how different we are now, and he said, yeah, "You're a lot different, kid, but you seem a lot happier and you seem to be having a lot of fun. Yeah, we're a both a lot different, but we're still deep down really the same and still have a lot in common."

What was that? So now, I get off the phone, and I just feel wierd. Not wierd in a conflicted kind of way, just in a sad way. I can't really explain it well, I guess, but it's just a quiet, almost peaceful sadness. Why does he bring things like that up, I ask you? When I went to lunch, I'd listened to The Arctic Monkeys song "Mardy Bum" which always made me feel bad because it hit very close to home when we were together with my getting an attitude or whatever and of course it reminds me of how I wanted to not be like that, and now having done it too many times and just all that sort of thing. It's actually the first time I've let myself listen to the song since everything. Of course, I feel the need to tell someone who would get it with the phone call and all, so I call Carmin, under the pretense of Rob saying Allen has never returned any of his phone calls this week, so when she sees him to have Allen call him, but she calls me out that since Rob said that stuff, I of course had to call her, and I had to backpedal a bit. She seemed passable, although mildly annoyed or distant. I couldn't help but notice a couple of little digs or implied comments, like one about my not going to the Brew, but being sure that I'll be doing something "much more exciting." So I asked her whether that was meant to be a dig against Rob or the Brew for being lame, or a dig on me for Nick and I always being out and about. I asked it like it was a joke, making light of it one way or the other, and then later when I asked what her and Allen were doing tonight, she replied they are staying in because neither of them have money and they can amuse themselves, they don't need to go out to have a good time. I know that was meant to be a dig, totally, but I didn't say a damn thing back. I wanted to say, yeah, we are taking it easy with the spending, too and don't NEED to go out and drink and spend money to have fun, either, but there's also nothing wrong with ENJOYING that sort of thing, but I thought better of it. It will probably come out though, at some point, I will just be very tactful when it does. I do hope she's in a decent mood and all.

I'm so excited about starting over with the furnishings in the new house, reorganising, arranging, what to keep out, what to keep packed away, purging, all that sort of thing. I really want everything to be clean and crisp and simplistic. No clutter, but a very casual air to it.

It's 3:40 at present. I'll be chuffed when it's 4, because after that, I'll piddle around on my way out the door and my three day weekend will begin!!

I have been so bad with the eating this week, yesterday especially. Last week, I had started losing a wee bit and seeing improvement, therefore it totally went to my head, and I started going overboard. Now I'm fairly certain any good's been thoroughly undone if not gone the opposite way. Let's see what the damage has been...

Monday all I remember is eating half an order of Papa John's Cheese Sticks for dinner. Tuesday I had a bagel for breakfast and pasta for dinner. Wednesday I ate a sandwich and two cookies at conference and had a Frenchbread and two thirds of a bag of golfish for dinner. Yesterday I had salad, fruit salad, two small slices of chocolate cake at conference, two big bowls of pasta, and then whilst on the way home from Club Charles, Nick and I stopped at Subway (six inch turkey and cheese with lettuce and mustard) and proceeded to kill two bags of Walker's crisps at home. Today I've had a grande mocha Frap. I'm supposed to go to lunch at Einsteins' with Jennifer, but I'm not sure I will get to leave for lunch, and right now, not only does my stomach hurt really bad, I probably shouldn't eat a big damn bagel, anyways (despite how good they are). I just read an article about weekends and holidays (vacations and holiday-holidays) and how you can go hog-wild and enjoy yourself, you just should go easy the day before and after, which makes sense, and is the way I've always tried to do it anyways.

God, my stomach is killing me. Must have been the Sweet Thai Chile crisps from last night and this Frap meeting. Shit. I should probably take some Zantac.

That said, I managed to do what I said and get rather a lot of packing done yesterday evening between getting off of work and going out with Nick. Still have my cd's and radio in my room, and to pull all of the boxes in the closets and stuff out into the livingroom, as well as tape up the drawers of those little plastic carts, but in general, I got a lot done. Still got the kitchen and bathroom in their entirety (including the linen closet), and Carm's still got her room (but she's off today and said she was going to do a lot), and then there's that storage room to look through stuff and hopefully condense the fuck out of, but it does seem considerately more do-able since yesterday. I am figuring I won't get that much done over the weekend (three day weekend, woo hoo!!), but whatever little bit I can, I intend to. I'm hoping Carm and I can hang out this evening before Nick gets off. Hopefully Allen is coming down, that should make her happy.

We went to Club Charles last night. Actually got drunk for once this week (this week seemed to go by very quickly and I felt pretty good for most of it. I think a lot of it had to do with not going out Sunday night, which by Tuesday has usually compounded so badly). Had two white Russians (I know I'm supposed to limit myself to one every once in a while, but Jeremy was working last night, and he makes them the best so...) and a vodka and diet, and then two regular diets for diluting purposes. Had a good time, then back to mine for HSN and QVC, Subway and Walker's. Nick didn't stay and after we ate he headed home so I could get some sleep and get out of the house on time today, saying that I won't be able to get rid of him over the weekend, to which I said I certainly didn't mind. I like that he says he likes staying over and sleeping with me. I'm obviously pretty fond of him being here. We are going to try to keep the spending to a minimum this weekend on account of next weekend being my B-day, and he says I won't be paying a dime (about time, and I don't say that as a materialistic or gold-digging sort of person). He has to call Bicycle to make the reservations for next Sunday. I definately want to go to the park and get some exercise (Parklife!!), and he said he may try to convince his parents to go up to Philly for the afternoon one day over the holiday weekend to Cuba Libre, in which case his brother could bring his girlfriend and he could bring me, and his parents would pay, which would be terribly nice of them. There's also that Scottish market in Timonium to check out. It's a shame about not going to Brew At The Zoo, but that's just too much money, especially this close to my moving and B-day. This will be the first one in four years I'll have missed. Eh, no matter.

I was very glad to not run into any whoadies last night, got liberated of no cash, ears remained firmly on my head without having been talked off by some incessant crackhead musings, and no one tried to sell me any shit coke, so I was very pleased with that.

Thursday already, no complaints here, except, of course that it means that in just over a week, we move house, and still so much packing looms ahead. It is my plan, however, to go straight home from work and get rather a lot accomplished (filling everyone I know with utter disbelief). I love that even Nick, who I haven't known that long gives me shit about getting fuck-all done as a rule (although that is usually because he is present, and if he is, I'm inclined to do very little except enjoy his company.). That said, when I get out of work, I will stop at the ATM prehaps and then get right into some hardcore packing, my plan being to box up everything loose in the livingroom, Carm's dvd's, and the records. Then, I will attack my bedroom with a fury of decisive and organised execution---my cd's, photo albums, magazines, jewelryboxes and knick-knacks, taking my flag and other things off the walls. I should throw laundry in while I'm at it, multi-task!! That should leave the linen closet, bathroom, and kitchen (and of course, Carmin's bedroom, but that is well out of my juristiction). I still need to get out in that storage room and I really must be merciless with getting rid of stuff.

I went to meet with Kat last night after work to start making up these stupid hours. Even though I got home a little before nine and most of the time we just bullshitted and had conversation, as I was driving home, I became filled with such sadness. I swear I just hate everything and anything pertaining to that fucking school and massage in general. I really don't even want to do this. I just want to wash my hands of it completely and leave the whole fucking thing behind me. I don't want to start getting home late again from going to meet with Kat, and I sure as hell do not want to waste a moment of weekend time on this. It should only take a month, but still. Shit.

Carmin was pretty quiet yesterday, but there were flashes of normalcy, so I didn't pursue anything. It exhausts me. Watched Top Chef then went to bed. Ate too much yesterday.

I want to get a lot done with packing and go out tonight, avoiding any and all whoadie crackheads or entepeneurs.

Bruises As Badges

I'm going on my traditional two and a half hours of sleep, somehow with little difficulty. Getting up was shitty, but once that was conquered, I've been maintaining, and really, isn't that all any of us can aspire to? Actually, I am looking forward to conference in two hours, where I plan on eating lunch. I was thinking of stopping at Einsteins' on the way in today (it was so good yesterday), but I figured I would still want to eat at conference (no willpower) and this way, if I hold out, it will be less consumed and best of all, absolutely FREE! So last night was Two For Tuesdays. Got there kind of late, nearly 11:30. Didn't see anybody, I guess since people have jobs now, they've become a bunch of old fuddie-duddies.

Ironic now, innit?

Anyways, Nick's friend Rob was there so the three of us had a few drinks. Spoke with Craig about the new Fletcher's Leukemia Benefit this weekend. Might check it out. Still may go to Brew At The Zoo. Don't know. That's a lot of money. Eh, we'll see. Had a good time till the end when we encountered this same damn whoadie who has bugged us numerous times (as recently as Monday night in front of Club Charles!), trying to sell his hip-hop zines, bumming cigs and generally being a broken record. Last night he kept on and on about $20, with Nick repeating again and again that he didn't even have that much in his account, let alone in cash on him, but this guy just kept up and kept up. I wanted to go home, and I was getting a little jumpy about it because the crowd out front had disipated completely, and I didn't want any bother with this guy, so I ended up liberating myself of $20 just to get him to go away, so we could go home. I mean, Nick is too nice, man of the people and all that, but at the same time, you have to be fucking wary of these people because you don't know what they are capable of. So while I understand Nick trying to be cool with the vagrants and brothas, and his whole self-taught street shit, I also don't want fucking bother everytime we go out. Can't whoadies fucking take no for an answer (this is the same guy who punted some absolute shit blow back around Easter, as well. A real entepeneur.)? I was pissed, not so much at Nick, although I do wish he was maybe a little more forthright. Anyways, he knew I was annoyed and kept asking me if I was Ok, and apologising about that. I was just glad to fucking get out of there. Back to mine to "make up for lost time" as it were. Around 4:30, he was going to leave, since as much as he would have rather slept next to me, he didn't want to make me run the risk of being late by trying to get him up when I left for work. As we were standing at the front door, he said something that made me terribly happy, "You know I adore you, right?" to which I replied that I adore him. Not getting my hopes up, but I'm very thankful and I really want more than anything to be a good girl and to elicit that sort of sentiment.

Tonight is Top Chef. Down to only six people left I think. I hope Carm and I can watch it together and maybe if I don't end up seeing Kat to start getting the rest of my hours, go to dinner (unless she's closing tonight).

Absinthe, Cake, and Cocaine Blues

The Director of Imaging here at work grabbed me yesterday and said he saw me at the ballgame on Sunday---with my "gentleman friend," which, when I told Nick last night, prompted him to say, "Haha, people from work saw me making out with you." Of course I wanted to say to the guy from work, "Oh, yeah? Did you see how criminally handsome my 'gentleman friend' is, exactly?", but I refrained haha. So we went to Club Charles last night. Carmin was closing, so I talked to her earlier in the day and she sounded fine. She was saying her and Allen may take a trip in August to Nashville and she sounded excited, which made me happy. I read a blog she'd written Saturday night about being depressed and not having a very good month, what with her brother and moving and not seeing Allen enough. It made me feel bad that she was like that and I was out instead of there to hang out and talk, but I had no idea, and I guess I really shouldn't make myself feel like I don't deserve to go out and enjoy myself. It goes without saying though that if she needs me or whatever, I will drop whatever to be with her (like the night all the shit came out about her brother. She was so good to me when I was a fucking basketcase.). I wrote a response, I don't know if she saw it when she got home from work last night, I had already left to pick up Nick. We decided to finally order the absinthe at Club Charles last night. It was expensive and tasted like absolute shit. It was a damn shame. It had the MOST overpowering licorice smell and taste. I think the sugar was supposed to be disolved before it was added, and not just dumped in to collect in the bottom of the glass. The Owl Bar and Rocket To Venus are supposed to have it, as well, so we may give it another go elsewhere, but for all the talk and money (and it listing wormwood on the label), it was terrible and I didn't feel or see shit. No hallucinations, didn't get sick, Thank God (I was also eating Cool Ranch Doritos to try to get that horrible taste out of my mouth), didn't get fucked up, either. In fact, I had three vodka and diets afterwards and only got a little tipsy. There was one point where I felt something, not quite regular drunk, but something pretty good, so maybe that was the absinthe with the vodka. Who knows? We hung out with his friend Rob and Laurie, then when they left, we sat singing into eachother's mouths and making out, especially when his request for Underwear came on. I am so bit up today, got to keep the collar all the way up. When we left the bar, I had to take him home and we made out in the car, both of us lamenting that he didn't come over to mine so we could have made up for lost time. I was forthright though, about not taking chances and not doing anything in my car in his parents' driveway, especially not when his dad gets up at like 4 am to do The Morning Show. But I really look forward to Two For Tuesdays tonight. He said he has some ideas for B-day presents for me, so that made me happy. Among the things uttered was the question of how did it take him so long to find me, and I said I ask myself the same thing.

Some Asian girl took our picture outside of the bar last night (it was somebody's birthday, and they had cake) and said she'd put it on her Flickr, so I have to check for that.

Bawlmer, Baby

I was so sorry to see the weekend end. Feels like it was never even here. Seriously, I don't feel like I was off long enough, or got enough done. Friday I actually did manage to get some packng done before I went out. Just mainly the books and dvd's in the living room, the sheets and picture frames, but still, it was something. The apartment is really starting to look like something is going on because I have pulled a lot of stuff to be gotten rid of out into the livingroom along with the empty and packed boxes, and the furnishings are starting to look a little bare as I pack things up. So I got that done before Nick came down. We went to Club Charles and met people. I had been hoping Carmin and Allen were going to come over there when their movie let out across the street, that's the main reason why we were going to go to Club Charles instead of Brewer's Art, but of course, they ended up leaving the movie early and going to Frazier's. I never really got drunk, just a little tipsy for a brief while. Had one white Russian and two vodka and diets. Went back to Nick's since his parents were away getting his brother from Ithica, and Nick needed to feed Mac. Got to sleep in his bed though, as opposed to the basement floor, which was definately better. It's a single bed against the wall, so atleast I had that to keep me from falling off haha. It was nice. Got up and did very little. It was a beautiful day for The Preakness, which we watched off and on along with Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America. I do love that Kitchen Nightmares show. I love their house so much. It's palacial beyond words. Someday I would love to have a home like that. Of course, since I say that, it will almost certainly never happen. We ordered pizza and cheesy bread from Papa John's. Delicious. We watched the races and then some Mystery Science Theatre shorts, which were funny, as usual.

I had gotten a little bummed out Friday night when I learned that the Ladies' Night Angel and Laurie wanted to have actually was going to come to fruition Saturday, which meant in turn, a Boys' Night for Nick and Rob (and Christina, since she could fit in either category, really.). This bummed me out only because I wanted to spend more time with Nick, but it was nice of them to invite me and want to include me. I met them at Brewer's Art and we had a few drinks there. I ordered the Rosemary and Garlic fries, which were good, but could have been better. It was crowded as fuck and approaching that point where you can't really enjoy yourself (as in like everytime in the past before I started coming there with Nick) and the clientele was almost exclusively frat boy douchebags and sorostitutes, so we made plans go over to Grand Central. I was pretty tipsy when we left, despite eating those fries and only having two vodka and diets and a little glass of their new Sour Cherry Beer (which I will TOTALLY be getting next time). Angel knew the bartender upstairs and he gave us Redheaded Sluts shots on the way out. I was wearing my hot pin-up girl shoes, and got lots of compliments and felt really good about myself (still seem to somehow have lost a bit of weight and am terribly pleased about that), which made the excrutiating pain and massive blisters suffered by the end of the night worth while haha. Once we got in Grand Central's upstairs (mainly) lesbian bar, I realised I left my card (for real) in Brewer's and had to go back across the street for it. While I was at the bar waiting, I heard a voice behind me say, "Hey, baby. You come here often?" and it was Rob Soma. He and Nick and Christina had come there, too. It was so nice to see them (Nick especially) and get to kiss him before going back across the packed bar to Angel and Laurie (they said not to say I saw them, since it was supposed to be girls' night and boys' night like all separated and shit, and I kept my mouth shut about the clandestine meeting. Even the next day when Rob had told Angel about them being at Brewer's he couldn't believe I hadn't said anything. He said he was going to tell me all his secrets from now on haha.). So, I ended up having a nice enough time with them. It was good to get to go dancing, even if it was strictly hip-hop that I didn't really know instead of indie---the gay clubs are the only one's with dancing still, so I was glad for that. I wanted to make a joke about the Jonathan Richman song "Dancing At The Lesbian Bar," but I knew no one else would get it. Got hit on by a couple of girls (not any of the super-cute ones, though) and one incredibly drunk Mexican sailor from Virginia Beach, who asked for my number, but I was definately not interested. Went home and fell asleep till Nick came over once he'd dropped off Christina at his parents' house. The funny thing is that I ended up doing two shots in the lesbian bar, yet never felt a damn thing. Once I sobered up from Brewer's, everything else was like water. Very odd the way my body will metabolise alcohol sometimes.

Sunday we went to an O's game with Rob and Angel. Of course, it started raining and it was pretty fucking miserable for a while. It was cold and wet and obscenely expensive, but it ended up being a lot of fun. It cleared up and the game started about an hour and a half late, then in the eighth inning, it rained again (actually it fucking hailed, but was sunny still on the other side of the stadium---how I love Bawlmer weather haha!), but then it cleared up so bright and sunny, and the game was able to finish. We lost, of course, but it was still a lot of fun and I would definately like to go to another ballgame. When we got back home, Nick got his clothes and went home for dinner. We had been talking about going out that evening, but nothing was decided and I ended up being really tired and went to bed at 10, so I don't know if he still went out with his brother or what. Hopefully we'll go to Club Charles tonight. Still planning on limiting my white Russian consumption (more specifically my half and half milk consumption), so if I have any at all, it will only be one.

I need to pack some more. Should start in on my room. I'm so excited about getting to decide what to keep out, what to keep packed away. I'm so sick of my room now, all the shit sitting out, condense, condense! Don't know where I'm going to keep all of these clothes I have hanging up, since the new house doesn't have the plethora of closets we have now. Also, since I have so much junk and plan on keeping so much packed away, I hope I can find room for all of it.

This coffee I got from the nurses' office has made me hyper. Even before that, I can't believe how awake I felt considering I got like two and a half hours of sleep. I overslept and woke with a start and literally ran out the door to work. I thought for sure I was going to be late (and one more lateness and it's curtains), so I contemplated calling out for the day rather than be a minute late (the ass-backwards-ness of St. Joe's). I realized I had some very important loose ends to tie up for this morning's procedures, so my plan was to "call-out" but come in long enough to sort this shit out and then go home, never having punched the clock. I even left a message for my boss saying as much whilst driving in. Miraculously, I made it in time (five minutes early, in fact---and it was raining!!), and actually started feeling better, as well (I said I had a migraine, but really I felt sick in the stomach, heartburn and acidy feeling. I think it was from the vodka and diets last night. I briefly was imagining having a stomach ulcer, as I am sometimes wont to do.) But yeah, I felt like shit when I ran out of the house today, but feel fine now, Thank God, so I decided just to stay. I would have loved to go home, back to bed then spend the day packing or go with Carm for her haircut. Maybe stop for coffee or lunch (or both) at Donna's or Common Ground, but some other time I guess. If I made it on time, and that was the really big thing, and felt better, with my having only one more call-out till a separate suspension, I need to not waste it. Got to wear jeans to work today (like I said, I literally rolled out of bed wearing what I wore to the bar last night). Feel pretty darn cute---Smiths t-shirt, skinny jeans, my hair looks fierce actually. Started to see some improvement on the weight front, so I'm chuffed about that. I want to keep in going in the positive direction, so even though I'm hungry right now and getting ready to take lunch, I'm debating what to do. I was thinking I'd love a bagel from Einstein's, but I know that would be bad bad bad, so maybe pick up my med's from the pharmacy and stop at Starbucks? Frap or no Frap? Salad from Panera would be good. Yesterday I had a little bit of salad, three helping of fruit salad (watermelon!!), an English Muffin at home for dinner, and half a bag of Goldfish. Just had the English Muffin and Goldfish before going out, which is probably why I got so tipsy so fast. I'm very surprised I was not still drunk when I woke up, being I was only asleep for three hours. It's been known to happen haha.

No nap when I get home today, as much as I'd like to. Got to do laundry and get some packing done. Got a plan of attack in my head, just need to execute it.

Here's something wierd---Nick played Deathcab's "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" last night in the car, and it was so strange. I swear everytime he plays these songs that formerly were of signifigance and rife with memory for Rob and I, it just boggles my mind, and as I did last night, I look to the heavens in awe and think, God what do I make of this? It made me want to cry to think of how Rob and I used to listen to that song, changing the words to fit the names of places we'd traveled, but sitting there with Nick singing it, it makes me want that and the feelings are very juxtaposed. Also earlier on The Office season finale, the whole proposal thing made me feel funny. It kind of put in a low place to think I was once engaged, and it was all his idea, and now it's like none of it ever happened. I'm actually so fond of Nick and feel so completely different than I ever have before, I almost completely cease to have the feelings of regret and nostalgia that once dominated my existence. It's still there though, but it's just certain things that will bring it to the surface. Even then, it feels different. It all feels different.

Crackheads In Hampden

Last night was marked by a random crackhead whoadie who decided to accost us at Rocket To Venus. Now, usually, crackheads and drunks are easily distracted and will move on to their next victims (most often immediately after libertating you of some money or cigarettes), however, this was not your average crackhead. He decided to commandeer us for what seemed like hours. It was horrible. After dispelling some crackhead wisdom, his opinions and hard luck story, still he would not leave us. We couldn't just leave because he'd asked for a ride and we said we didn't have a car. Creeped me the fuck out. I wanted to take walk through Lysol or something. Kept persisting that Nick and I loved eachother, it nearly came to saying it for the sake of appearences and indeed our lives haha. Finally, he started preying on some other poor saps and Nick's friend Rob met us, so I was happy because now it felt like we had a crew. We left there and went to that girl Megan's apartment for a little bit just to sit around and talk. I mentioned Rob getting Alkaline tickets for the Philly show on his birthday (I got us ones for Baltimore yesterday, very excited), and said something about Carmin having to do couple things with them and Allen, and my preferring not to mention my replacement's name, and Nick brought up that thing again from the night Rob came over so drunk at Ottobar and talked my ear off and it made me upset. He asked again about the whole rebound thing, and I told him I PROMISE that nothing could be further from the truth. He said, well, I had to ask, and I said absolutely not. I wanted to say more, I want to convey to him how much that is not the case, how genuinely fond I am of him, how I've NEVER felt like this before, but I couldn't get too into it. But I need him to know that that is not the case, and surprisingly even to myself, is how removed I am feeling from Rob and how sincere and enthusiastic I feel towards him. I will have to bring that up and reinerate my point this evening.

We need to try that absinthe at Club Charles.

Yesterday I managed to do exactly as I planned---left work, went to Starbucks, dropped off the mail, and went home. Had a cig and watched the end of Judge Judy, then promptly got in bed. Slept till Carm got home at 7:30. Would have slept till 10, but I wanted to see Carm. She made herself dinner but all I had was an apple and then I foolishly finished off the bag of Goldfish Nick had bought me.

I feel the tiniest bit thinner today, prehaps on account of eating earlier yesterday and going to bed hungry. Still a damn mess, but I thought I could see the faint outline of thinness when I looked in the mirror today. If only I could have two days to cloister myself away and sleep the weight off, no one to disturb me, no distractions or temptations, just some time to lose it, then work on keeping it off. I just feel like I need to get to that point where I am maintaining.

Watched Top Chef last night. Getting down to the final six. I was surprised to see and advert for a new season of Project Runway starting in July. That's really quick. Usually they only run one competition a year. Guess that ensures we'll have to keep cable at the new house (don't know how I'm going to afford it but...)

Need to pack so fucking bad. Just can't get motivated. Got it planned out in my head, but a lot of good that does. Eh, I'll end up doing it in a manic sprint like three days before the truck comes.

I will be so glad to get out of here today and see Nick tonight.

This has been an umnercifully long and agonizing day. I am tempted to say it is worse than yesterday proved to be, and I may be right. Yesterday I was dog tired and had what started as one of my rare hangover headaches and expanded to become a full-blown migraine (the kind that coincides with the start of my period. I haven't had one of those in ages.), yet tapered off eventually. I had slept Monday night on the floor and felt broke in half. This was nothing to sneeze at, however, today, even though I sobered up considerably (nay, completely) by the time I went to bed, I ended up feeling far more worse for wear and for a while floated in abject misery wanting so badly to leave work and go home. I suppose it is the fact that this was the second morning and the previous nights' effects had compounded, not even the alcohol so much I would say as the lack of sleep. I do worry that this lack of sleep and excess (well, that's a bit strong, moderate) intake of substances will have a rapid and disasterous aging effect on me. I am approaching thirty (oh, the horror) but still get carded for the most part and get the reaction of disbelief when I tell people my age. It is something I love and don't want to lose in an ironic paradox of celebrating and embodying being young and having that render me not young anymore.

I felt like absolute shit, at one point nauseous and wretching in the toilets. Pineapple Orange juice burning as it was expelled, having nothing else on my stomach, dry heaves just to get to that point. Horribly tired, unable to focus or keep my eyes open whilst at my desk. Then felt better, had Greek salad, fruit salad (two helpings) and a roll at conference. Second wind of alertness and normalcy, only to crash around 2:30. Had to get up and walk around the hospital, out for a cig, to keep conscious.

Plan now to stop at Starbucks for my free coffee and mail change-of-address forms, then home to bed. Sleep till Top Chef at 10.

Will be glad to recuperate tonight and be in better form tomorrow both for work and going out.

Though We May Deserve It, It Will Be Worth It

So today is yet another comatose day. I swear, I can't keep doing this, but I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. Last night we went to Two For Tuesdays. Angel took a picture of us on her digital camera. I'd ike her to email it to me or something. Didn't really get to pour over it as I would have liked. We went to that girl Tyler's squalid apartment after we left Ottobar for a bit. Nick kind of got in an argument with Christina and we both insisted that I drive us home. He didn't stay over, which I would have liked of course, but he did walk me in. I really hated him leaving. He texted me that he got home alright, but I didn't hear it, so when I woke up this morning it was in a panic that he never texted and something happened. I felt bad then that I never said goodnight back or anything. Will do that on my lunch.

Discovered yesterday evening while at ATM that I did NOT infact lose my credit card, only simply misfiled it in a spot in my wallet where it was hidden from view (still out of character for me), so I got it shut off for nothing.

I really wish I had more time. I guess I'll always feel like that. That is one of the reasons why I don't want to finish my fucking hours, on the weekends no less? I feel like I don't know how long I have, with anything, so I don't want to miss out, I don't want to let opportunities pass by. I guess that's not very wise of me, but damn it, I'm tired of doing what other people want me to do. That whole charade was an exercise in doing something for somebody else and I learned I will never do that again.

Tonight is Top Chef. Tomorrow I have been told my Bronze Goose will be flying in.

Killing Myself To Live

Oh, God, I feel horrible today. I got to stop doing this. I'm feeling very down on myself this morning, so be prepared for a pity party.

Went to Club Charles last night. I opted to go pick Nick up at his house last night, and I anticipated not feeling like/being capable of coming back home, depending upon how late it was, and being that his house is so much closer to my work, I took a pair of dress pants with me just in case. Of course, "just in case" became a certainty, and I ended up staying there and just coming straight to work. I definately drank too much last night. Felt nothing for the longest time, not sure really how I got us home. More than a little disconcerting and I am entirely thankful for getting there in one piece. I lost my credit card, which is completely out of character, I always put everything right away (one of the benefits of OCD), so I had to call and cancel that this morning. I feel like absolute shit. I slept on the floor, no less, so when I woke up, I felt like I was broke in half. My back was killing me. I am fat and tired and depressed at the moment. I didn't want to leave him. Even on that fucking hard-ass basement floor, God, I didn't want to leave him.

I'm spending way too much money. I'm getting in a hole and when we move, I don't know how I'm going to swing this. I know I have let B & P down, and I have blown through more money than I should have, but I really don't know what else to do. I guess I simply live beyond my means, but I really don't see any other way. Carm said just now that she is worried about money with moving and all, and I am, too, but I also just feel like things will sort themselves out. Thank God I have that money to fall back on. But I know it isn't going to last, especially if I go through it too rapidly.

Nick says once he gets paid Thursday he is going to treat me like a queen.

There simply is no hope for my weight. I have no self-control and don't know when to stop eating. Now I am getting to the point where I am just giving up, and getting more depressed, and it's that regular kind of depressed where one is inclined TO eat, as opposed to the kind of depressed I was after Rob left, where miraculously I was inclined to NOT EAT. I feel like I have tried so many different strategies, been so committed and motivated to all of these different plans to get back down, and have been able to stick with none of them, seen results with none of them even when I did try to stick. There was the whole just not eating thing, the eating only organic things like salads and fruit, the exercising to burn everything off plan, the eating only once a day thing. I feel bloated and distended and grotesque, and I hate myself for constantly bitching about it to everyone, my Mom, Carmin, Nick, people at work, because I know how obnoxious it sounds, especially to people who are much bigger than me. But it's how I feel. I really wish I could just curl up in a ball somewhere for about a week and not be disturbed.

I'll be so glad when this day is over and I can go home, take a nap, and go to Two For Tuesdays, where I will be taking it very easy with the alky tonight.

This Is The Next Century

The weekend managed to pass far too quickly, and the weather has decided to take several large strides back into winter. The rain that poured so torrentially Thrusday night and all day Friday has returned again and it is simply cold and damp and miserable. Yet another day I'd have liked to have stayed in bed (of course, the temptation wasn't quite so great this morning). Friday night Nick came down and we went to Golden West. Had some drinks (I asked him to please not let me get a piece of that mocha cake, even though I wanted to, it was for my own good, and I don't have any willpower). I am still financing our adventures at the moment, but atleast his account is out of the negative and by this Thursday when he gets paid, I have been told that he will be making it all up to me. Atleast he is very appreciative. Anyways, Golden West was a white Russian with 2%milk, not bad. I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons Club Charles' white Russians are so fucking good is because they use half and half, but when one is consuming three of those maybe four nights of the week, it is no small wonder there is an increase in one's weight. It's all contributing. So I've decided to lay off the white Russians for a while, or ask if they can be made with skim or 2% and then limit myself to one. After Golden West, we went to a Hampden bar back in the mill/factory area called Flip's, which was very nice on the inside, betraying its location and outer facade. They have a Top Chef competition going on and appearently have Top Chef night on Wednesdays, which I thought was kind of cool. We had grain alcohol soaked cherries, tasted like Listerine. Got that nice warm sensation all over. Slept in Saturday, attended to the first order of business, then lunch at Towson Best Chinese. Paid my rent, then we parted company basically to get ready to go out later that evening. Went to B, a fancy little restaurant in Bolton Hill. My God, what beautiful houses out there. If it is possible to have an orgasm from architecture, this is the place. I do love this city. Sat on the sidewalk, too cold, but survived. Great cappuccino. Margerhita pizza for me (lots of spinach, not as good as Owl Bar, but still good), Orange Blossom beer, not bad, and we got dessert---chocolate hazelnut Italian icecream with salted caramel (delicioso), while Nick tried the creme bruele, which featured orange and basil (heavy on the basil). Still it was a delcious meal, nearly worth the $78.00 it totalled (I just about shit myself). But life is for living, and I intend to enjoy myself when he is paying so...Headed back to his to get a jacket, hung out with his parents watching SNL waiting for Christina. Went to Club Charles, didn't get as drunk as I'd have liked, but when we got back to mine, Carmin and Allen were still up, and drinking, and Allen, of course, was in top form. We ended up sitting around, made some more cocktails, watching Mystery Science Theatre till 5 in the morning. Went to bed, got up for us to go with our respective parents for Mother's Day.

Four times in the span of 30 hours. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on in my life.

Of course, Mine's Kind of Lame

I have been following an blog on here of someone with similar tastes, an intriguing character to say the least. I am entranced by his entries, written in a kind of abbreviation/dialect/code-word hybrid, hip and esoteric, like notes, clipped, consise. Is it poetry? I am taken by similarities---while both recount alky consumed, mine only hints at a desire and aspiration for headier, more nefarious indulgences. I can't help but notice a running shared theme, of best intentions, fuck-ups and their contrite attempts at atonement, penance and resolve, the accompanying self-loathing that follows said fuck-ups/backslides, the swearing off of sins and poisons, and an undercurrent of devious self-knowledge, that we will do it again and again.

I'm kind of hating the fact that I'm obsessing about my weight in this venue again, recording what I ate and my grand plans for getting fit (and subsequent self-loathing fuck-up rehashings). Makes me feel lame-core. That being said, "Onward and Upward!!"

I took a FIVE mile walk yesterday after work!! I did it, I actually fucking did something I said I was going to do. I walked to the Starbucks and back and it was 4.8 and something miles. It felt really good, and even though it may just be my imagination, I could have sworn I saw a wee bit of improvement when I got back. I'm not kidding, I honestly think I lost a little something by doing that. Felt really good physically and really accomplished, as well. The walk back was surprisingly easier. Of course when I got to the Starbucks, after I got my drink (all I got was an Iced Black Tea, no Frap), I had to sit outside and have a cig, because for every posi thing for my body I go, I have to counterbalance that with something damaging haha. So yeah, felt really good. Burned 274 calories, which really makes you realize how much effort and energy it takes to burn off calories. It takes a lot of work! In walking almost five miles, I was hoping I would have burned like 500 or something, so essentially what I walked off was the two bowls of Special K Protein Plus that I had for dinner before going on the walk. Actually, they were pretty big bowls of cereal, so I probably didn't even burn them off entirely. Anyways, I am pretty sure I undid any improvements I may have implemented last night when Nick and I went to Towson Diner after leaving Holy's and Rocket. I had a great big plate of creamed chip beef and fried potatoes. God, it was good, but I ate it all and felt like I was going to explode (as per usual), and super-fat, and it made me crash immediately after I was done eating. I was dozing off on the drive home at 4 in the morning. Of course I didn't even get that two and a half hours of sleep, things got incredibly crazy and I did wake up considerably haha. I have several new reasons to keep my sweater zippered all the way up. Ended up with I'd say a nice solid hour before I got up to take my pill, then laid back down for maybe forty minutes and began the waking up process for Nick. It was seriously the hardest thing to get out of bed today, especially considering it is pissing down outside, absolutely miserable, and he said we should just stay curled up in a ball the whole day, as he pulled me back into his arms and under the blankets (and I tried to find a balance between savouring the moment and not falling back to sleep.). There is nothing I would have liked more than to have been able to sleep in, and I totally would have called out for that explicit purpose, were it not for the whole suspension/firing thing. I'm not sure if the next time I call out I get a separate suspension for that or if that counts for the firing thing. Must get that clarified today. Important to know what I am working with.

Last night at the bar, because of his account getting all fucked up, I paid for drinks, and I was pleased that Nick kept thanking me and saying this wasn't going to be a regular thing. He will make it up to me (he said he is going to take me to that FANCY restaurant in Federal Hill, Bicycle, for my B-day), and he doesn't like depending upon people because it makes him end up distancing himself, because it makes him feel bad. He said I am by far the best girlfriend he has ever had, and not just for this, and he doesn't know what I see in him. I wish I could say something in response to that, list the miriad reasons, and how wonderful and completely different he is, but I could only smile and bury my face against him.

I am so glad it is Friday and I can sleep in tomorrow. I hope it stops raining so maybe I can take another walk after work or just so it's nice for the weekend.

We really need to fucking pack the house up. Three weeks till we move. Shit.

Had to go over to conference to set up the computer, had one slice of pizza (not even the biggest slice, either), then an apple as I tried to sit outside on my break and read. Unfortunately, it started raining, so I came in only to find that there was yet another party going on in the lunchroom here at work and they had that intoxicatingly good cake they get all the time, so, against my better judgement, I had a piece (no icing, well, not much), but I did refrain from eating my granola bar as a means of compromise. Totally want to fucking walk when I get home---really hoping this rain doesn't keep up to prevent it.

Yesterday, when I got out of work, after stopping by the mall to see about getting my hair cut (Didn't happen, going back on Friday), and after finding a pair of black skinny jeans at Express on sale (that other pair I got are just too tight now, what with the expansion and all. Keeping them for when I get back down, these new ones are actually a little too big, which makes me relieved and somewhat happy, but the length is good and I can wear them in the meantime.), I stopped at the Starbucks for my Free Pike's Place Coffee (it was Wednesday, Free Coffee Day till the end of the month!) and this time I got it with sugar-free caramel syrup (they didn't charge me even though I offered to pay for the syrup being added.). Boy, was that good. They also have hazelnut and vanilla and mocha in sugar-free, so I think when I get coffee and stuff, that's what I'll get in lieu of using sugar. Headed home where I made a big salad with romaine, a whole red pepper, and half a cucumber. Then I finished the rest of those Goldfish from the other night, BUT I felt like I really wanted to work it all off, so I actually got off my ass and went out for a WALK!! It was AWESOME!! I felt so good about it, and plan on making it part of my daily routine as much as brushing my teeth or taking my pill. I want to go for a walk (and also ride my exercise bike and do sit-ups again) as much as possible. It just felt so good to be DOING something and I felt more energized actually and all-around posi about doing physical activity following eating, so hopefully things don't keep depositing and maybe start DIMINISHING again, as well. I think I am seeing that I have two alternatives: One is to try really hard to just not eat, which worked really well but seems out of my realm of ability now, the other is to try to eat better whilst exercising so that I can still enjoy myself eating, but not be gaining weight. As much as I am loathe to become one of THOSE people, I have to say I actually felt really good not just mentally about doing something productive and proactive, but I felt physically good whilst doing it and especially after. So I went to Walmart afterwards to buy a pedometer to keep track of how far I'm walking and how many calories I've burned. I hope it ends up working because this pedometer seems more complicated than I thought it would be and come to find out, Carm has one that is lovely (of course, she will want to use it herself, especially once she joins the YMCA. It made me feel funny when she said yesterday that she would be doing that basically when I wasn't around to give her something to do.).

Got home from the Black Hole that is Walmart just in time to watch Top Chef. Didn't eat anymore for the rest of the night. My plan today, seeing as how I'm not going to Starbucks on lunch, is to take my book outside and sit, maybe have a cig, and I brought with me an apple, a granola bar, and a water. I am hoping to do some drinking tonight, so I will probably eat a little something more before I go out.

Nick texted me yesterday to say that by his count for the day, he had seven new bite marks. I don't remember doing all that, but I also was surprised to have found two fairly visable ones on either side of my neck, one on my side, and a bruise on my right arm yesterday. Still have the one on my left arm. Had to keep my collar zippered all the way up yesterday and today here at work. I said I was sorry that I got carried away, and he said no, it was awesome. No complaints from me!!

My plan when I get off of work today is to go inside, change my shoes and pants and get my pedometer and walk all the way to the Starbucks, get myself a drink, and then walk back. That should be ATLEAST a mile, one way. I did start to get blisters on the bottoms of my feet yesterday, so I have put on thicker socks today and am contemplating what shoes to wear.

Everybody's Strung Out--- On Something Or Other

I seriously did not want to get up this morning. Not just because I'm tired, not just because we went to bed at like 4 am, but because I was so comfortable and it pains me to have had to bug Nick to wake up and leave the apartment with me this morning. As I sit at my desk now, all I can think is how much I'd like to still be laying there in bed with him. Went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Got a late start, didn't get there till 11:30, stayed till close. The music sucked, but it was still a good time. Did not see Rob, but I texted him about those Brew at The Zoo tickets, so we'll see if I hear back from him today. I want to get a haircut after work and I really should do some packing when I get home, but I know I will probably just want to crawl in bed when I get off work, like yesterday, and do nothing. I ate really good yesterday. Nothing but a Venti Black Iced Tea from Starbucks till after 8, when I got up and had salad with cucumber and low-fat Caesar dressing and an apple. Then, I was still hungry so I had a granola bar. A little later, I was waiting for Nick to get out of work and text me so I knew to start getting ready, and I had some Goldfish. This was mainly because I figured maybe I SHOULD have a little something with carbs to it to provide a foundation for the alcohol I planned on consuming. I swear, I just keep getting fatter, and at this point, I don't know what the fuck to do. I have been trying to eat better the last few days, but I just seem to keep putting on weight and I really don't understand it. It is making me crazy. I really feel like I look like shit now, and felt very self-conscious at the bar last night. I don't know what to do. I want to start exercising, if I can find the time and energy. Why can't I just drop this fucking weight again like I did in September? One good thing atleast, is that after some debate we did not stop at Subway on the way home last night. So atleast what I mentioned before was the extent of what I ate and nothing right before bed. I am thinking it would be lovely to have a manual labour job, just for the perks of getting exercise whilst there.

I don't know what to do.

Nick brought me a bag of Explosive Pizza Goldfish last night when he came over. I said he really knows the way to my heart haha. Shame I love food so much again. All my new clothes are too small and all my old clothes are fitting again. It's bullshit.

Just got some coffee from the nurses' office. Just maybe two tablespoons (if that) of Cinnamon Bun Coffeemate creamer. No sugar, been trying to eliminate it as much as possible.

We drove home listening to the self-titled Blur album---Look Inside America and You're So Great and I Love You (A sentence he has said repeatedly scares the shit out of him.) and Death of The Party. It says, "Another night, and I thought well, well, go to another party and hang myself gently on the shelf." He said that'll be him in a few years.

His friends were kind of making fun of him last night for wearing his sunglasses even though it was dark out and not terribly bright in the bar, and then they were saying, "Oh you love it though, don't you? You think it's adorable." I do find it all to be incredibly hot, but that goes without saying.

Spectator in some illegal activity. May participate next time. Conflicted. B & P would not be happy. Don't want to break promises, but also feel like it is something I have wanted to do, would not be an on-going pastime, and much like everything else, the old way simply wasn't working, therefore new avenues must be explored with some degree of atypical abandon.

Carm still seemed down yesterday, obviously been crying again. Poor thing. Didn't bring anything up though. Guess there would be no change. I think she was going to call that place to see if she could send her brother a letter and photo or something. What a mess. Be staying in tonight for Top Chef.

May stop to vacuum my car on the way home today.

The mystery of Carmin acting so peculiar is solved, and come to find out it actually has nothing to do with me. In some ways I feel bad about being so insecure or paranoid or self-absorbed to think everything revolves around me, but really, I had no way of knowing this, and it was kind of manifesting itself in our dealing with eachother. Come to find out, the situation with Joey in the detention facility is a lot worse than Darla let on, a lot worse than any of us knew or imagined. He's practically in a prison, he may be sent to a group home, they could keep him, not just till he turns eighteen, as we all thought (which is in a couple of months only), but till he is twenty-one even. He will not be released back into either of his parents' custody, Darla has NO rights, since appearently she signed them AWAY when he was a baby, they can't afford a proper lawyer, and the public attorney doesn't really give a fuck. The state's psychiatrist didn't turn in her report yesterday for the judge to make a ruling like she was supposed to, so basically, they drove all the way up there (Carmin under the impression they would maybe be bringing him home) for absolutely nothing to be resolved. She said they wouldn't even let them touch him or hug him. His head is shaved and he was in handcuffs and ankle shackles (more than a little excessive, I'd say). She was an absolute wreck. I don't think I have ever seen her so upset and crying. It broke my heart, because it simply isn't fair. They are throwing the book at him and he is just a kid. He violated his parole, but there are repeat murderers and rapists who are walking the streets, let out on good behaviour or parole or whatever. He has people who would take care of him down here, he needs to be away from that asshole father of his. Carmin says she feels so bad all the times he begged them not to take him back and they always did. She is afraid they could put him in jail, or a mental hospital, or if they put him in a group home, it may be with people who will be bad for him to be around. It's so fucked up. I swear, their mother. I love Darla to death, but she has dealt all her kids a shite hand from the beginning. She gave up her rights to Carmin's sister, Mary, too, but her father wasn't an asshole, and she probably would have given up rights to Carm, except there was no one to push her off to. I swear she is lucky to be as well-put-together and functional as she is considering all the shit she's been put through. Anyways, basically, they've said there is nothing that can be done. The judge will eventually make a ruling and so much of this is shrouded in mystery, even what he actually did to get arrested, which is how he violated his probation, is still not clear. I was under the impression that he was in a kind of boarding school or something, and that he'd be released and his record expunged when he turned eighteen and his father would no longer have any say over him (or be collecting child support off of Darla) and he could live down here, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be that easy. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a sibling, and part of yourself, so far away as to live in another state to begin with, let alone now be locked up for who knows how long. Carmin's family is so scattered and dismantled. Of course, once I heard of all this, I had to call Nick who had just gotten out of work and was going to be on his way down, and tell him that I couldn't see him that night, that I had to be with Carmin. He said of course and asked if I was Ok. I said I really wanted to see him, but I have to be with her. Even though she said for me to go, there was no way I could really do that, not after she'd been so good to me dealing with Rob and all. So we sat up and talked a good while, then watched some television and went to bed. I will be glad to see Nick at Two For Tuesdays tonight. I hope seeing my concern for her and her brother will grant me leniency with Carm for the future if we have anymore issues like we have had. I wish there was something I could do to help.

Experiment

Got a glimpse of myself in the mirror, horror, pure horror. Galvanised by the other night's utterences, bonus' and that, and in addition to limiting the amount of food I consume, I suppose I should also limit my consumption for the most part to organic things that will "disolve" as opposed to "deposit". Oh, I want my OCD to kick in hardcore in this regard. I want to possess the same indifference and force of will to combat gluttonous urges that I possessed in September, and through Christmas, definately, and most of January, and parts of February. Since March, it's been basically a steady descent back to this padding about my middle that now one is able to get quite a grip on. Bloody hell. Here's the plan:



Little experiment I'm going to conduct for this week. Trying to consume only fruits, vegetables, and a wee bit of cereal this week. Seriously, I went to the grocery store yesterday, purchasing romaine lettuce, red and green peppers, cucumber, apples, baby carrots, and a lite Caesar dressing. Also have a lite Italian dressing still in the fridge. Apart from coffee (and I will really try to mean JUST COFFEE, and not terribly decadent expresso drinks), and water (and diet soda with mixed drinks), I will be eating only food that I imagine will disinegrate and nourish my body, not turn into fat. Maybe I can suggest to Carm (if she is in good spirits) that we walk the track at school or around the neighbourhood. That would be lovely. I really enjoyed how much walking Nick and I did in Philly and in Baltimore this weekend. I enjoy walking, and it is definately good exercise. In fact, even though I did good by eating Caesar salads two meals while we were up there, the other stuff I ate (Checkers on the way up, the little bit of those Szechaun fries at The Continental, two pieces of bread at Cuba Libre, that horrible so-called grilled cheese and the decent fries at Eulogy---and the beer) I'm sure it would have been even more to my detriment had we not been doing all this walking. That's the thing, when you're on vacation, when you're out or with people, you should be able to treat yourself, or eat with abandon and really enjoy things, so I guess one of the keys to being able to do that sensibly and without devistating consequences, is to behave oneself as a rule and especially when it is just oneself.

So today, I've had two cups of coffee (one here at work with only a little sweetened creamer and an iced coffee from Starbucks with sugar-free hazelnut syrup and a little skim milk) and several baby carrots, grape tomatoes, and two broccoli florets (all raw). Dinner should be salad or cereal. God, I just want to lose this weight. I'm feeling downright uncomfortable now, like my skin is stretching and I feel terribly conspicuous, as well.

Philadelphia

The weekend is over and I am back to work, and I am terribly depressed. As is what often happens when one has been looking forward to something, once it is actually over with, one is left feeling very sad indeed. One reason for that, of course, is because I had so much fun over said weekend, and the fact that I'd been looking forward to it, with all the nonsense of last week with Carmin and I was glad to have the weekend of Nick and I going away and not having to worry about offending anyone or waking anybody up or whatever. Another thing that is bringing me down is that Carmin was giving me very nearly the silent treatment yet again yesterday evening once I came home, especially after Allen left. I asked why she wasn't saying anything and she said there was nothing to talk about. I'm really getting to a point where if this shit keeps up, completely unwarrented, I'm not going to bend over backwards to sort it out and keep things on an even keel. It simply isn't fair. I haven't been home to do anything wrong!! In fact, Friday and yesterday morning, Nick was a bit more talkative and said hello and goodbye to her, so apart from the fact that he was very loungy on the sofa (and I believe he did have his feet up at one point), I don't see what else she could be cross about. Unless it's still the whole thing about the trip to Philly to begin with, but seriously, she needs to fucking forgive me for that and get over it. She was going to Jersey with her mother today to see her brother. I don't know whether to plan to try to hang out with her tonight or if Nick manages to scrounge up some money, go to Club Charles, or what. That's another thing that has filled me with trepidation---the fact that Nick is low on money this week, so he said if we can't go out, we could just hang out at the apartment, which is fine with me, but then I have to worry about Carmin getting all pissy that he is there too much or that we wake her up. Too much fucking stress for one person to be under. It's like walking on fucking eggshells.

On a brighter note, the weekend itself was a lot of fun. Thursday night we went to Club Charles, got the little room again, which was cool. Rob and my replacement came in at one point and I said hello when I took some glasses to the bar, then later, Nick came back and said that my ex had properly introduced himself. That doesn't really surprise me. That seems like the sort of thing Rob would do, he has to be so diplomatic. Thought that was kind of wierd. Haven't spoken to him since then, obviously, and I haven't even had the chance to say anything to Carmin about it, since she didn't seem very receptive yesterday (although I was interested to hear that her and Allen went over Melanie's Friday night and had a good time. It doesn't bother me that Carmin hangs out with them or anything, it honestly doesn't. I'm almost surprised, but it also is something I could use to prove a point about).

Friday morning, we woke up, but I ended up going back to sleep for a while because I really didn't feel that great. I think it may have been that I drank too much the day and night before (I'd had three vodka and diets with Mom and Tony at dinner and then two white Russians and a vodka and diet at Club Charles.). It took us a while to get up and running and actually get on the road to Philly (I had to pack once I got back up, then we had to go to Nick's house for him to pack. Once we got all that done, we stopped at Checker's, then the bank for me and to get gas.). After all that, we finally got on 95 and we were off. Got up there in plenty of time, got a little lost, or just turned around really, as is what happened serveral times over the course of our time up there, but never really, hopelessly lost. Checked into the hotel, got dressed, and walked to Victor's gallery thing. It was good to see him and his pictures, as I knew they would be, were awesome. We then went to dinner at a fusion restaurant called The Continental, where we had some lovely cocktails. Walked back to the hotel, then down to South Street to Tattoo Mom's, but unfortunately we'd missed Vic and his people. We did, however, get to watch some tiny, little mice running around where we were sitting, and Nick remarked that it was just the sort of dive he liked. We walked back to the hotel (we walked everywhere. Seriously, I feel so good about all the walking we did. Good exercise and cheap). Saturday morning we had to check out of the hotel, then we headed to this Cuban restaurant we'd seen the night before. My God, was that good. Delicious food. We went to a movie (Zombie Strippers, yes, as horrible as the title suggests haha), then just walked around Olde Town some more. Saw the oldest residential street in the city. People still actually live there in these colonial houses on this narrow little street. It was pretty cool. Went to a Belgium Pub for dinner and drinks. Did not enjoy our food very much (Boursin cheese is not very good at all), but managed to get deliciously drunk on beer (even me, I had a wonderful cherry beer that I would definatley get again---and again haha). Had to then find the club where The Kills show was, got a little lost, but eventually found it. The show was amazing. Then we drove back to Baltimore (since we were never able to find a cheap enough room around to stay overnight again.). Slept in not too terribly late yesterday, and proceeded to spend virtually the whole day outside going from one adventure to another. Planned to go to Fells for pizza, which we did, but also ended up at a Cinco De Mayo street festival (where we were the only white people there) and later on, Druid Hill Park, playing on playground and exercise equiptment (pulled my right arm on the monkey bars, which I haven't been on in probably fifteen years), seeing a ton of actual oriole birds, listening to a jazz/African drum ensemble, and taking pictures (all whilst being among the only white people there, haha). It was really nice to be outside since it was such a nice day and Nick said we should do things like this, getting out just the two of us more often. He said several times that I am beautiful, and when I said, "Oh, now I'm beautiful, before you said I was cute,", his response was that now that he knows my personality on top of being cute, it pushs it up to beautiful.

I hope he can get his finances straightened out a bit to maybe go to Club Charles tonight. I spent so much fucking money this weekend (one of my drunken quotes this weekend was, "Once I move house, I ain't spending shit"), but atleast any time I did pay for something, he said thank you and that he really appreciated it or that I didn't have to. He is the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid eyes on.

Carm and I met for dinner at Don Pablo's last night. I got tacos with grilled chicken, and it was good, but a little too sweet for my liking. I wish I had just gotten the regular chicken tacos I usually get. Anyways, it was way too early for the movie, so we went in a shoe store, and both ended up making purchases that were far cheaper than marked. So that was a bonus. The shoes I got are fucking HOT! They are black and red (of course) open-toe heels, in that Bottacelli 1940's style. Total pin-up shoes. I want to wear them to Philly this weekend (and hope I don't have to run for my life or risk killing myself). Not as my only pair of shoes though, of course. The movie was really funny and we had a really good time. It is so awesome for us to be on good terms, and it is really all that I want. Admittedly, I did miss Nick last night. He texted me when he got off of work that he was going to be bored. I don't want to miss opportunities to see him and him lose interest. I told him about my shoes and he said he can't wait to see them. They really are smashing. Anyways, I had to come in at 7 today (I was here at 6:47, actually, and that was after I sat in my car for a bit to finish my cigarette), so I'm making my escape at 3:30, whether they know it or not. Then I have to get my stuff together for leaving for Philly tomorrow. I would like to see my Mom this afternoon before I go, so I will stop over there or see if she wants to get dinner. I will have to call Vic, too, just to get things a little more ironed out for tomorrow, directions and that. I want to get the bulk of my packing and grooming done today. I guess we will have to leave around 2:30 or 3 tomorrow. I want to get up there in enough time to check in the hotel and not get lost finding this F.U.E.L. Gallery.