Two For Tuesdays turned into many more than two of anything last night. Nick had a bit too much, and ended up sick, had to pull the car over. Plan on stopping off at the carwash on the way home. Will just do the drive-thru one at the BP in White Marsh if I go to Target after work. I'm sure I can think of something I need from Target haha. Anyways, I felt bad for him, he just kept mumbling, "I'm sorry, baby" and broke out into such a sweat, soaked through his suit coat, hating life. Got him in the house, and he just wanted to stay put on the bathroom floor, but Carmin had to go to the bathroom, so once he got in bed that time, he stayed put and seemed much better this morning. I think what did it was the fact that this guy, this total douchebag, stole one of Nick's beers, just sidled up and snatched it, I saw him do it!! Then the guy took off and giddily was dancing around on the other side of the bar!! Can you believe that? I went over and said, "I hope you enjoy that beer you stole, ya cunt. I paid for it!" Actually it was on Nick's round, but that wasn't the point. So Tecla then gave him another and then the douchebag's friend came over apologising and bought us another, which of course meant two, one of which I drank (still amazed how beer sobers me up haha). We stopped at Subway, but Nick couldn't even get through half of it before he got sick. When I left this morning, he was like, "You're going to work, already? Why?" I would have loved to stay, that goes without saying. Left a note for Carmin so she knows he's there.

That came to a head again yesterday. I finally couldn't take it again. I was then told that I have been attacking her and basically, she was still mad about me having called her about that Sunday at her work, and what I had said to Allen. We kind of had it out, but hopefully that will be it. I will not ever make any mention of the whole her picking Rob over me thing. I'm letting it go, because she says for the last time, it's not true, it's not deliberate, and her and Allen's lifestyle is just different than mine and Nick's, which I resented her saying, but didn't get into it. We do both agree that so far, we are not impressed with anybody on the new Project Runway. I just want things to be normal, which for us equals awesome.

Nick texted me yesterday that we have reservations for Chingale, this fancy Italian restaurant, for 9 on Saturday, and for b at 6 on Sunday. Petit Louie doesn't take reservations for lunch, so we'll just go out there on Saturday around 1 or 2 and check it out. I am very excited. All this good food to try. I'm most excited about b, I think, their menu sounds the best. I would have rather gone to an Italian place with more traditional dishes (meaning pasta, pasta, pasta), but I'm sure it will still be good, and this is a place where you have to dress up, so that will be fun, too.

Project Runway tonight. Have to try to see last week's episode I missed because of the storm, hopefully hang out with Carmin. Tomorrow is Rob Soma's show at Lo-Fi, which I'm very excited about.

Had a salad from the cafeteria yesterday (field greens, tomatoes, cucumber, and kidney beans.), then two bowls of Grape Nuts Trail Mix around 8, and then Subway. Nick said he loves my curves and while he doesn't want me to get fat (nobody wants that, least of all me), if I was rail thin, he wouldn't have given me a second look, he wouldn't be with me. Then he started again about how he won't be the first to say certain sentences, and I said neither will I, so then he said in that case, "it will be two years later and we'll still be going at it and neither of us will have said it."

I will probably text him later to make sure that he wakes up in time to go to his doctor's appointment today. Going over to conference even though there really isn't anything to present because they are still having lunch and they have invited Dr. Nyhan and I. There's no escaping it, but I will try to have something sensible and light. I will spend the day fantasising about Golden West and Common Ground. I'm such a foodie.

This Is The Next Century

Got my hair cut yesterday. I guess she did a good job. I sometimes wish I could do something different or drastically more "scene," but I just worry that nothing else would look as good or suit me as well, and this cut is more timeless and atleast the basis of every "scene" girls' hairstyle variation. After I wash it and let it dry without laying down on it immediately after it will undoubtedly be more full and voluminous, as is always the case once it's been put back into shape.

Managed to not eat all day, had a venti quad mocha, which then gave me the shakes really bad while I was in the mall, and I actually was getting in line at Chik-Fil-A with the intention of just getting a sweet tea, but I stepped back and didn't even give into the temptation of that. Although, I am totally fantasising about Chik-Fil-A right now haha. Stopped at Superfresh and picked up three slices of watermelon, an apple, and a two liter of Cherry Coke Zero. Had the three slices of watermelon and saltines, and a small glass of soda. I do regret getting the Cherry Coke Zero a little bit now. Even though I really like it, I think I may have had enough for a while. It does get a little too sweet after a while. Anyways, I would have felt better eating even less than that, but I felt faint for a good part of yesterday, I imagine because my body was so used to having so much food stimulation of late, and it's kind of going through withdraw haha. Maybe today (and each day subsequent) it will get easier to fast. I love saying fast, since it conjuers up images of religious devotion, and has that connotation, instead of starving or simply not eating, which people tend to look down upon. People also look down on fatness (myself included), so it's very much a double standard. I have my yearly check-up today with that new gynocologist my Mom started going to now that Dr. Santos has retired. Hopefully she can give me some samples of my med's since they are eating me out of house and home having to pay for them out of pocket. That alone is one major incentive for me to get a new job, health insurance that would actually pay for what I take. That and better parking would be awesome--- and around $15 an hour.

Came home yesterday and Carmin was watching television, said hello, and I just got my watermelon and sat down on the sofa. Fatal Attraction was on again, so we watched that, at one point, we both started laughing and it was good to see her face crack into a smile and a little break in the clouds, recalling normalcy. Then Allen stopped down on is way home from work and stayed a while. When he left, though, she went up to her room, so I did, as well, working on putting stuff away. I feel like my room is lacking something in the way of knick-knacks or just personal affects sitting around, although I also don't want to go overboard with that sort of thing. I worked really hard to not have all that sitting EVERYWHERE, but I feel like it could use something. When I get out today after my doctor's appointment, I may check out the Goodwill or Ryan's Relics. I want something but I don't know what. After I piddled around with that for a while, I took a nap, sleeping right through when Nick texted me to say he'd gotten out of work. Since I'd taken my shower when I got home from getting my hair cut, all I needed to do was get dressed (meaning, finding something to shove my fat ass into). We hit Club Charles and discussed the restaurants we want to try this weekend. God help me with all of this delicious food. Rob Soma showed up, which was an unexpected, but, as always, pleasant surprise. Spent the night quoting Flight Of The Concords, which according to Nick, and judging by his exasperation, is what Rob did for the entirety of Sunday night when they went to see Dark Knight, as well. We were discussing relationships and while there are things regarding Rob and all that I would say to Rob Soma, I don't feel right discussing it in front of Nick. The spectre of Mr. Farley is too prevalent at times as it is. We did speak about ourselves, and Nick said why we work so well is because after a month, I could still deal with him and his personality, and I said that I embrace that, and as I have said before, being myself, within reason, of course, not being too comfortable or taking things for granted, or not putting any effort into apearence or attitude, but being real, and the whole thing how I tried to change or convince Rob I had changed or was made to feel that the things that initially drew him to me were now the things that were the ruin of us or just didn't float his boat anymore, and my not apologising or altering myself anymore. I do need to be more decisive in dining situations. We didn't stop at Subway on the way home, even though it would have totally been delicious, so I'm glad about that.

Tonight is Two For Tuesdays. I will be glad to get out of work early today, hopefully get to hang out with Carmin some. I wish this cold war would hurry up and end. I want to see Brideshead Revisited this weekend, worked in sometime around the grazing and reservations, and I want to ask Carmin to see it, too.

Restaurant Week Has Begun!

Back to work, following a very busy weekend, although, also, far more relaxing a weekend than those of recent memory. Made it home, and dressed Friday, made it out to Nick's parents' in plenty of time. Actually got out there at 5:45 and I was supposed to be there at 6. Met all of his aunts and uncles, later on his mom said that I made a good impression on them as being confident and polite. Definately get that there is that attitude that Nick is the "eccentric brother," which I, of course, find endearing and quite fitting. We drove down to Arcos, the meal was delicious. The salsa was a lot better this time, much more flavourful than last time. I enjoyed it all immensely, although they were out of fried ice cream, which is probably for the best. All in all, left feeling absolutely stuffed. Ended up falling asleep on the couch when we got home. Watching Cheap Seats, I woke up and we decided to check out The Wind-up Club on North Avenue near Joe Squared. It is very spacious and definatley has a new-house kind of feel to it, very crisp and clean, sparse sort of, but I really like it. The owner, a guy called Russell, was really nice, and we got to talking about silent movies, since he was running The Gold Rush on a projector, along with some old Felix The Cat and Betty Boop cartoons, before putting on Mary Pickford's Poor Little Rich Girl. Needless to say, I was in my glories. Nick thought it was really cool, too, and we were also pretty thrilled that we know of a place that none of our other friends have been to yet. Also, I know Mr. Farley would be like, "What, something new and hip, and I wasn't the first one there?" So that will definately be a good new place to add to the reportoire.

Saturday was a lazy day, just sat around watching Kitchen Nightmares, enjoyed eachother's company, shall we say, then went to Arundel Mills for Nick to get a new pair of jeans from the Calvin Klein Outlet. I have to admit, they do look really good on him. Restaurant Week started, so we tried to make reservations for Bicycle, but they weren't open yet, so we were lucky enough to get for Abacrombie, then Bicylce called back and we made reservations for there on Sunday. Abacrombie is in the basement of a huge brownstone bed and breakfast on Biddle at Cathedral, VERY fancy. I swear, sometimes, I feel more than a little out of place in these fancy restaurants, a bit like Eliza Doolittle. Anyways, the meal was pretty good, some elements I enjoyed more than others--- the best of which was their signature macaroni and cheese, which was cavatappi pasta with parmesan, gruyere, and bechamel. I want to order a VAT of this macaroni and cheese!! So good!! The entree, a piece of pork, which was my second favourite part, just fell apart when you touched it with the fork, never had to even pick up a knife. Tender and juicy, good flavour. It was on top of risotto, which initially tasted alright, if kind of bland. Poured over top of everything was what they called peach butter, like apple butter, a perserves kind of, but with peaches, which I really did not care for. Apple butter may have worked better, but this was too sweet and tangy for my liking and once in with the risotto, made me not care for that really, either. But it was alright. The pork and macaroni more than made up for it. Oh, and there were these onion rings, just the right amount of batter, on top of the pork. Nick enjoyed his in its entirety. He got a chilled tomato soup, which was good, and I don't normally like tomato soup, but this wasn't too sweet, although it felt weird eating it cold, like when I eat tomato sauce out of the fridge. We both ordered the chocolate panna cotta for dessert, which was on a brownie with stewed plums. He didn't care for the plums, but I did (although they were a little tart). Turns out the head chef there is that girl Nick knew from Club Charles, and she recognised him, came out of the kitchen and chatted. So that's pretty cool to say you know the head chef at one of the most exclusive restaurants in the city. Full of expensive food, we went back to Nick's for him to change and get his car, and we drove to The Ottobar. Met up with Rob and Angel and Chrissy for a show (The Motorettes, really cool Motown covers, The Expotentials, only two guys, local, but what a rukus they made. Pretty good, White Stripes, blues kind of, and The Dirtbombs, which boasted two drummers, they were really good, as well.).

Yesterday, we planned on going to the park, but it rained early on, then we were just being lazy, watching I Love The 70's , intermittently wrestling aorund, terrorising eachother, then Nick decided that picking me up over his head was a form of exercise, in lieu of going to the park, so after I saw my life flash befor my eyes, and luckily only getting dropped on the sofa, he was satisfied that he'd gotten his work-out in. We went to Bicycle, very, very good. I got the panzanella salad to start, which consisted of field greens, grape tomatoes, goat's cheese, brioche croutons, a hard boiled quail's egg, and charred tomato vinagrette. It was really quite good. The dressing was very tangy, but not too sweet, the quail's egg tasted strikingly like a regular hard boiled egg, which was fine, the bioche crouton especially was delicious. For entree I got the pork chop which was so incredibly juicy (would have been better without all the fat and bone, but such is the state of pork chops in general), mashed potatoes (yeah, baby!), and a mix of silver queen corn, scarlett beans, and mushrooms, which I even ate, and I don't like mushrooms. Nick got beef tenderloin medalions, rare, oh, my God, so bloody! Never in a million years for me, but he likes that sort of thing. He said it was fabulous, I would totally get it, but medium-well. It was on top of those great mashed potatoes (even Nick liked them, and for whatever strange reason, he doesn't like mashed potatoes. Something about the texture.), with some vegetables. For dessert, I got the peanutbutter cup, with the toasted cream on top, almost like mashmellow, but it was all about the peanutbutter! Nick got a lemongrass creme bruele, with figs. Definatley better than that orange and basil creme bruele at B haha! We are planning on going there one day next weekend--- have to make the reservations some time this week. Their prix fixe menu sounds really good, lots of intriguing options. All in all, two fine meals, three, really, including Arcos on Friday.

After dinner, I headed home, Nick was going to the movies with Rob Soma and Chrissy to see Dark Knight again. I actually saw Carmin and Allen, tried to make a joke of it when I came home by introducing myself to Carmin and going to shake her hand, but she said not to be a smart ass so I let it go. Even then, it was mainly Allen and I that did the talking, then they went to get snowballs and I started dozing off at television while they were gone, so I went up to bed before they got back. She closes tonight, so here will be yet another day where we don't see eachother. I swear, I don't know how she can just go without speaking to me, without missing me, without making any effort to bridge the gap, and moreso, how she can rebuff my attempts at doing so.

Hoping to get a haircut today after work. In desperate need of one. Also in desperate need of fasting. Plan on all liquids today, even with hopefully going to Club Charles later, not eating. Will nurse my drinks but I need to slim down, and quick. No more gluttony, only enjoying oneself in the proper situations.

Your Coffin Or Mine?

There was nothing new to report on Wednesday, a terrible storm is all, spent the night sleeping. Cable got knocked out, so no Project Runway, even once things died down enough that I would have dared to put the television on. Power went out twice, had to keep resetting my clock. The worst was the horrific lightning and my being too afraid to go to the bathroom since the skylight is directly above the toilet. All I could imagine was getting struck by lightning whilst taking a piss. What a way to go.

The cold war continues with only the slightest breaks in stoicism. Using my wry wit yesterday, I attempted to bring a bit of levity to the proceedings, seeing as how the security deposit check from Fox Hall has both of our names, the bank requires both of our signatures, so I asked her to sign, she was standing in the hall as I put my shoes on to go out, and I said, "What, are we signing the treaty in the hallway as neutral territory? Come in my room, will you?" It illicited a roll of her eyes which she didn't think I saw and a small smile and "humph," but that was the extent of it. She's off today. I know I will have to rush when I get home to get ready and be out at Nick's mother's by 6, since the dinner reservations are for 7 and we need to sort out carpooling and assemble these fifteen people to get down there. I'd call her and remind her or try to make conversation, but she won't give a shit. How can she hold me in such contempt? What the fuck, man? I could NEVER act like that towards her. EVER. I hate to have to say this, but given the opportunity, I may have to throw up some money shit, some Joey shit. How everybody forgets. While I go out a lot now, I'll never forget or take for granted how she was so incredibly there for me when Rob left. I could never diminish how dependent I was on her and how wonderful she was. How is it she can shut me out, and how long is this going to keep up? How long till things return to normal, and following that, how long till another of these fucking riffs that have been reoccurring since Nick and I started dating?

Nick and I went to Club Charles last night, in the hopes that Jeremy was working and I could possibly get a white Russian, but he was not, and it was pretty slow for a Thursday, surprisingly, so after one drink, we headed to Rocket. Had a couple of drinks, sang along with some Misfits songs. Nick said something along the lines of there being things that he wants and things that he needs, and me being the rare combination of being both.

I want that more than anything.

I also want my friend to stop being fucking wrong towards me. I want Rob Farley and his posi, pompous spectre to cease having any relevance or influence over the events in my life whatsoever, this means via Allen, thus to Carmin, thus to me. I want to make $6,000 back selling my ring. I doubt it will be that much, but the $4,ooo I know it is worth atleast will be appreciated. Have to look into where I can sell it.

I'm glad it's the weekend, and that the week seemed to go by fairly quickly. My eating has been horrendous for the most part, although yesterday I held out and just had some chips and salsa around 7 pm. I would have felt even better had that been it till we go to Arcos this evening, but Nick was very hungry last night, so we hit the Subway, but atleast it is just Subway, and isn't that supposed to help people lose those massive amounts of weight, eating exclusively from there? Well, anyways, had my six inch turkey, cheese, lettuce, and mustard. Trying to hold out till dinner to eat anything, although Panera salad would be a fine thing. Shite. Got my other gift certificate for Owl Bar, so we may hit that up Saturday or Sunday, and earlier this week atleast, Nick was saying something about Cuba Libre. I guess Restaurant Week starts this weekend, too, so there's a lot of foodie goodness to look forward to.

Monday was such a shit day, it was a fucking mad house in this place from start to finish. This was evidenced by scratching my plan to not eat till dinner and have my left-over Marguerita pizza from Owl Bar and instead, going to Einstein's for tuna on an everything bagel ( got that one kid from the old-school days though, who let me get just tuna salad without buying the whole meal, so no potato salad atleast.). Also the fact that I never got to finish the post I started until yesterday morning also indicates how busy and harrowing Monday was, as well. So, yesterday I finished Monday's entry and never even got started on another, so I will begin this one by summing up my lonely Monday night, not knowing Carmin was closing, her not returning my call, my still being incredibly hurt and angry over the whole cold-shoulder thing at the movies on Sunday, my letting it bother me too much and late in the evening at Club Charles with Nick crying, but being so thankful for his company and sweetness (his saying that it's just us, none of that matters, and earlier, that we need to take a vacation and just stay in a hotel in Baltimore for a week, "hidden in plain view," to get away from everything.) I really do not want to get in the habit of getting all upset around him or letting other, outside things overshadow my time and interaction with him.

Aside from that stuff, Monday night was fun. Rob Soma and Chrissy came out, as did Matty, but they all left before us. I swear, we are always the one's to close a joint down.

I finally couldn't take it anymore yesterday, and not knowing when I would get to talk to Carmin, since she doesn't call me back or whatever, I called her at work and we discussed the whole thing from Sunday, but as per usual, I start out the one angry and slighted, and end up not fully expressing myself and somehow it getting turned around that I feel like I have something to atone for to put things back on good terms. I am utterly incapable of staying mad at people or shutting them out, and it is well established that I cannot stand someone shutting me out in the least. So she swears up and down that there is no favouritism and that she can't be bothered getting upset about that stuff anymore, and somehow I again end up the one fishing for conversation when she gets home from work yesterday. Maybe today things will be better. It's terrible though that for whatever reason, since Nick and I started dating, Carmin and I have had these off and on skirmishes. My resentment for Rob has mounted and my blood boils at the thought of all this shit and his influence over Allen, and subsequently how it makes me feel in regards to Carmin. I swear, I was talking to Vic last night and said that Rob is like a caricature of himself now, and he was already kind of a caricature to begin with.

Last night at Ottobar was a lot of fun. Victor, Kyle, and Kristy were there, so was Rob Soma. Decided if Creepy Paul was a (creepy) super hero, his super-powered vehicle would be called the "No Means No-smobile." I'm really glad that Victor has warmed up to Nick more now. Nick didn't leave till 5 o'clock this morning. Sleep would be a fine thing haha.

My eating this week so far has been horrendous. I went to Chik-Fil-A yesterday for lunch, and as if that wasn't bad enough, around 6, devoured some chips and salsa whilst watching a Homicide rerun (which I am thrilled about finding. Totally want to see when they air more of those.). Took a nap, then got sucked into the whole Subway thing on the way home last night. Got my turkey sub mainly because I had some reflux and to speed up sobriety, and because Nick wanted to go and once there, figured I might as well get something. So today, the fatness, oh, the fatness.

Project Runway is on tonight, hopefully Carmin and I can hang out like reasonable people. Looking forward to going to dinner with Nick's family on Friday.

Sing Your Life

This day has gotten off to a not terribly good start. Punched in at 8:02, called Trish ahead of time to say I was going to be late, hopefully she marks it down so I don't get fired, which is what they said would happen the next time I was a minute late. How ass-backwards is that?

Had a very busy weekend, seemed to go by even faster than usual somehow. Friday when I got out of here, instead of being able to go straight home and go to sleep, I stopped at Target to get a pair of shorts for Artscape, but the one in Towson didn't have my size, so I had to go to White Marsh, which seems now to take an eternity to get home from now that we've moved. Slept for a little bit, got up and met Nick at his parents' when he got home from work, despite my stomach hurting really bad on account of the heat. If it hadn't been Smiths/Morrissey karaoke, I wouldn't have gone out, I felt so bad. Karaoke was fun. I was scared to sing, but eventually Nick and Bill persuaded me to sign up, which I did, but then Gilbert decided to skip over a bunch of people and cut the actual karaoke short so the band could play a straight set. I was kind of let down then when I didn't get to sing. Nick did Bigmouth Strikes Again and killed it. I think he did really well. Bill did This Charming Man, and only got to sing once, which tells you it must have been cut short since Bill usually sings atleast three times. Still, it was a lot of fun. Johnny Love's acoustic set was really good, he even did I Know It's Over, which fucking ruled. After the karaoke ended, we decided to leave and meet up with people at Club Charles, but it was a mad house because of Artscape starting, so we walked down to Joe Squared. If my dad knew that I was walking down North Avenue at 12:30 at night, he would flip out. By the time we left and walked back to the car by Club Charles, we no longer had our White Kid Army back-up, since Rob and Angel and Joe and Chrissy left before us, but it was fine.



Saturday we went to Artscape. It was hot as hell, but still fun. I opted to wear some summer clothes that are atypical for me, but I decided in favour of keeping cool, with surprisingly positive results. On the one hand, I was still hot, but would have been much worse had I worn a t-shirt and jeans, and at first I felt a little funny because I don't wear tank tops, but Nick said I looked very good, and I was pretty pleased with my reflection, as well (somehow), so I think I may invest in a couple more and dress to fit the season. My shorts were only denim capris like, rolled to the knee, so nothing scandelous. My legs are too heavy in my opinion to wear anything shorter. We wondered around Artscape, stopped in Club Charles to cool off a minute, looked at the exhibitions, Nick bitched about MICA kids and Wham City ruining whatever indigenous scene Baltimore may have had. We ran into the Goucher Lezzie Brigade. Nick and I then went to dinner at The Owl Bar with that certificate I'd bought. $50 gift certificate for $25, it was awesome. More than paid for itself and we only had to pay $14 out of pocket ($20 including tip). I got my all time favourite, Marguerita Pizza, and also a Caesar salad to start (which was a little heavy on the dressing, to be honest), and Nick got calamari for an appetizer and then a steak (rare---I shutter to think of it) with stringbeans and carrots (very good). It came with garlic mashed potatoes, which they sent out after he asked for fries instead (how he doesn't like mashed potatoes is just mind-boggling to me), so when they gave him fries, I ate most of the potatoes, which were DELICIOUS. An all-around fabulous meal, as usual for Owl Bar. Never got my SoCo Ameretto, but will remember next time. Actually, I think I'm going to buy another of those certificates today. It more than pays for itself. Still have some pizza at home which will be my dinner tonight.

I was pretty tired after being outside all day, but after dinner, we wandered over to Rocket, then exhausted, home to fall immediately and deeply asleep. I think being outside, especially when it's hot, makes one especially tired.

Yesterday, we went to see The Dark Knight. The movie was very good (Heath Ledger, what a loss.), the surrounding drama regarding the fact that Carmin and Allen went with Rob and Melanie (and Jaysin Thompson) and we were there and it was awkward as shit. I got bent out of shape again because of the continuing trend of Carmin and Allen hanging out with Rob and Melanie everytime they want and never once doing anything with Nick and I, made the mistake of saying something to Allen (don't know if he said something to Carmin or not) about being second best to hang out with, which was denied. Then when the movie was over, I decided to try to be sociable and no one could barely speak to us. I haven't seen her since then, but I do hope to talk to her later. It really makes me feel like a leper or something all this. Next time she says I am never home and all we do is cohabit, I'm going to say that everytime I try to hang out or ask them to do something, it never pans out. I don't want to start any trouble, but it really made me feel like an outcast or something, and besides that, it put me in a bad mood, which wasn't fair to Nick. He was actually really sweet and later on brought it up and had me vent and I felt better. I said I was sorry to let it bother me when we were hanging out, but he said it was ok. I really do enjoy being in his company, and I really appreciate it all, too.

Went to Little Havana for dinner. Not nearly as good as Cuba Libre, but not bad. Much cheaper. Nick liked it more than me I think. The quesadillas were very good, though. Hung out at his for a bit, then down to Frazier's for a drink with Rob Soma and watching Adult Swim. Had a very intense and interesting conversation on the way back to his parents' house about little-known, all-but-forgotten television shows we liked as kids, lots of PBS talk, and then books, as well. Edward Gory illustrations and Watership Down. It was awesome. I really do thrive on good conversation.

Last night we went to Frazier's. I had been hoping we would go to Club Charles, so that I could have one of Jeremy's famous white Russians (I even held off eating chips and salsa for dinner in case we went there so there would be no digestive conflicts), but Rob Soma was at Fraizer's, and Natty Boh is $1.50, therefore Frazier's it was. It was a good time. It's a mazing how beer seems to have a sobering effect on me if I've been drinking my vodka and diets, almost the same as when I dilute with regular Coke afterwards. The jukebox played M.I.A. at one point in the evening, Nick doing his accompanying routine, which is so silly but incredibly hot to me. We were laughing and singing along with the few gems that did get played---Juicy, "It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up Magazine!" Stayed till close, got home and proceeded to erm... rearrange the furniture, shall we say. Immediately following which, the first words out of Nick's mouth is, "Let's go to Valentino's for breakfast." It was after 3:30 in the morning. We were the only people in there other than a black couple that were just finishing up when we sat down, and a cop sitting at the counter talking to the cook, bored out of his mind probably. I wanted to get creamed chip beef, but was also torn over getting the cheese tortolini, which I ended up choosing, on account of Nick's coersing for the purpose of getting the breadsticks that came with my meal. It was a lot to eat, but I think it will sustain me probably all day, atleast until very late this evening, like right before I go out maybe. Meeting at his tonight in the interest of time, trying to get to Smiths/Morrissey Karaoke as early as possible. Hope I get to see the Johnny Love acoustic set, since I really enjoyed that last time. Don't know if I'll sing tonight or not. Maybe if I can do it with the record instead of with the backing band.

No sooner did I finish that post yeasterday about the drug rep bringing bagels and my triumph of will to abstain from eating one, did I crack and have one. This was around 10 or 10:30. I did, however, steer clear of the cheap Chinese food they always have at Thoracic Conference. Finished what was left of the Honey Nut Cheerios (much less than a normal sized bowl for me) and a third of a sleeve of saltines. Next week I'm eating nothing but Saltines!! Anyways, I guess I have fallen off a bit. Started out so well Monday and Tuesday, fitting back in those Gap Jeans (still not properly, but atleast FITTING), but feeling like rubbish now again. It's those fucking conferences and the drug reps and the plethora of free food in this damn department.

I'm going to put in for the last week in August off. Don't know if I'll get it, but I'm going to try, or atleast take whatever they will give me.

Surprisingly, for getting even less sleep than usual, I feel better, more awake and energetic. Maybe it's because I only slept for long enough to rejuvinate, like a nap, as opposed to getting into a deeper sleep only to have to wake up too soon. Or maybe it was the orgasms haha. Orgasms and pasta, a pretty good combination haha.

Just got a call from Jenn to meet her for lunch at Einstein's. There goes my dreams of not eating again till later. I need to not get fat. That's all there is to it.

I will be glad to get out of here, start my weekend, see that gorgeous boy I'm so fond of.

Project Runway, Salsa, The Shining

Stopped at Target on the way home from work yesterday. Had the intention of getting in and getting out, hoping to still get to see the second episode of Judge Judy, but unfortunately, as often happens, once I get in Target, great chunks of time disappear. I have to go back today to return a very misguided skirt purchase. Anyways, once I got home, I hung out with Carmin, watching television and basically talking shit on everything that crossed the screen. Sometimes I worry that I really am too jaded and cynical for my own good. How did I get to be so bitter? Well, how much time ya got?

Project Runway started, and I can't help but reinerate what a good show it really is. Good concept, even if the casts totally fall into archetypes, eventually, they distinguish themselves (slightly) and it's just very enjoyable, and cool to have something to follow and discuss with other people. Got a text from Nick yesterday afternoon asking if I wanted to go to dinner with him and his family next Friday at Pazo. I said yes, that I would really like that. I also got one of those $50 gift certificates for $25 from Owl Bar yesterday, so I look forward to going there, as well. This will be the first time in a month that I will not be off on Friday, which sucks. I've had three day weekends since the end of June when Carm and I cleaned out the apartment, then it was the Fourth of July, then Alkaline last week.

Totally need to do laundry, may get that done tonight. I wish we could get in the basement of the house to use the washer and dryer. However, I'm a little leary about the cleanliness and creature issues that basement may pose. I guess I'll have to go to the laundromat again.

I want to finish decorating my room, too. It feels half-assed and unsettled. I need to get my flag up on the wall, my Smiths poster, rearrange some stuff, not still have boxes sitting around and all. More things I could get done if I were off of work on my own with no distractions for a day or two.

Felt really good about my consumption so far this week, till conference yesterday had fajitas, so I had two of those, then, continuing the Latin flavour of the day, Tostitos and salsa last night for dinner. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that salsa only has ten calories in two table spoons, which, even given if one is eating a lot of salsa, is still very good. The chips are higher, but I would even consider putting salsa on saltines, which would buy one more leadway. So I do feel I went a little over board yesterday, maybe took a step back, but atleast I don't have to go to conference today, so I will avoid the temptation of that. There are bagels from one of the drug reps here today, but so far I have been good.

Nick texted me last night that The Shining may be the most perfect movie ever made. It is a good one, and Carmin's favourite. Her and I then watched a good deal of another favourite cinematic masterpiece, Purple Rain haha.

I will be glad to get my laundry done and see Nick later. Inching towards the weekend. I saw a coming attraction for the new Brideshead movie--- it looks so fucking good, even though I know I will sit there complaining about the inaccuracies from the book, still, it looks very good indeed. Want to discuss Project Runway with Nick, get some drinks, and compare the status of battle scars. I have the pattern of his teeth in my shoulder still.

Had to drag myself away from the house to come to work today. Left Nick sleeping in my bed, murmuring to me not to leave, to stay there with him, pulled at my heart, more than anything I wanted to call out. It will be so nice to be able to do that again, whenever that time will be. Whenever it's deemed in that stupid rolling calendar which makes no fucking sense to me that I once again can have a coushin. I just talked to Carmin. Not sure if he is still there asleep, but appearently he stumbled disoriented in her room last night coming from the bathroom, without pants haha. When she told me that, I started laughing, sitting at my desk with my head literally in my hands, both amused and embarassed. Well, Allen has accidently walked in on me in various states of undress, so even though there's no element of "an eye for an eye," it's all come full circle haha. Anyways, I told him I want more than anything to have been able to stay there.

Went to Ottobar last night. It was a pretty full evening. Rob and Angel were there, so were Victor and Kyle, which I was happy about. Nick and Victor seem to be getting along rather well now, both being very sociable and Victor coming over to say goodnight to him, shaking hands, all that sort of guy stuff that indicates the his general dislike seems to have disapated, which I am very glad for. Talked a good while to Pat Martin. He's a nice kid. Ended up having to take Cherry home, I am being more sociable, Nick said he told her that I am his girlfriend, not his "little friend" and that he is actually happy in a relationship. I said that I am, too, and it is very much a foreign and unexpected thing.

Stopped off at Subway on the way home. Didn't feel too bad about getting my six inch turkey and cheese, since the last two days, I've actually been behaving myself pretty well, and possibly seeing some improvement, which will certainly spur me on to continue. Yesterday had a grande mocha Frap on lunch, took a nap when I got home, around 7 had two bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios and about ten saltines. I discovered I am able to fit into a pair of Gap size 2 jeans I got when I had lost weight and hadn't been able to wear for a while, since I started putting it back on. Then, I hadn't even bothered trying, because I knew I wouldn't be able to fit in them and it would just depress me further. Something possessed me to attempt putting them on last night, even if they did fit, I still had no intention of wearing them out, but, surprisingly, after some effort, I got them on, and seeing as I'd put so much work into getting them on (and knowing there would be work to getting them off, as well), I wore them out. Even though they are still tighter than they were initially, just the fact that I can even get them on makes me feel better and is very encouraging.

The evening's events were cut short on account of discovering a lack of provisions, and my steadfast committment to not taking any chances, so I will be making some purchases at Target on the way home today. Carm called out today and is still congested, so I think I will buy her a bottle of Nyquil.

I think Project Runway starts tonight. I saw an advert for the fourth season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia to start inSeptember, too, so Carmin and I are super excited abut that.

Beg, Steal, or Borrow

Tired today, of course. Nick left at close to 4:30, I slept till 7:20 and woke with a start, but some how managed to make it here on time. Club Charles last night, closed the place, Nick drove, appropriated a little sign from on top of a For Sale sign in front of a house on Taylor Avenue that says, "I'm Gorgeous Inside." I thought it was amusing and Nick commented on it last Friday as we were going to lunch, so we went back for it under the cover of darkness. Luckily I didn't get hit by a car running across the street to get it and jumping back in the car as we took off. I have to think of a good place to put it. Somewhere in my room, I guess. Really did not want him to have to leave and get my two and a half hours of sleep before coming in this place. I would love to take a vacation. Maybe I will try to put in for that week at the end of August. I have all broken blood vessels on the left side of my neck, near my shoulder, and and several bite marks on my right shoulder. I gave as well as I got though haha.

I didn't eat dinner till around 5:30 or 6. Bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and about 5 saltines. Then I took a nap, got up at 9, had another bowl of cereal. Probably would have felt better about myself had I not had that second bowl, but, it is just cereal and I thought I should have a little more on my stomach. Still got drunk. Had two drinks and felt it, totally didn't NEED the third one, but I wasn't driving. Atleast the bar didn't have all their snacks like they usually do on Mondays.

Carmin is going to her mom's after work today, so when I get home, I'm taking a nap. Then I'll change my sheets and have dinner. Tonight is Two For Tuesdays. Victor was supposed to be going to the Alkaline show in Philly, but now he says he'll be home and coming out to Ottobar, so that will be good. I hope Nick can get out early or be the first one to leave on Friday since it's Smiths/Morrissey Karaoke that night. Don't know if I'll sing or not, but still very excited. Nick said he's going to sing, so I'm very eager to see that. See the "Morrissey Hands" in action haha. He's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Calling All Skeletons

I will begin this post by declaring that I will be losing ten pounds this week.

Fer real. I'm not eating (just a coffee on lunch) till dinner, an English muffin or cereal, right before I go out. I'll even keep the drinking to a minimum so as not to have to have a nice big meal on my stomach. I know, I know, you've heard this before. We'll just have to wait and see my progress and commitment.

Went back to work today after being off since 2 o'clock on Thursday.Went to Frazier's that night to start the three-day weekend-vacation thing. Got signifigantly intoxicated, on two vodka and diets, despite having gorged myself on an Enlgish muffin with cheese, saline crackers, and Milano Cookies before going out. Nick came up with the idea to try to name favourite albums from each year since you were born (you don't have to have listened to the album that year), we sat with Rob Soma in Frazier's then naming albums and then different bands and genres for each letter of the alphabet. It was fun. Went to Papermoon afterwards for grilled cheese sandwiches. Nick went home afterwards to make a new mix for the drive to Philly and I went to bed. Slept till 10 or 11, which was such a luxury. He came back down and we went to The James Joyce Pub, which really was nothing to write home about. Nick had fish and chips, which wasn't bad, just not outstanding. I made the mistake of getting a salmon Caesar salad (I was thinking fondly of the one at Owl Bar). Salmon was good, but the salad was shit. I only ate the piece of salmon. To redeem the dining experience, since we were so close and all, we walked over to Vaccaro's and after a lot of indecision on my part, I got a cannolli and Nick got a waffle cone with coffee gelato. That was awesome. Next time I go here, I think I'll get gelado, or chocolate Italian Ice. Later on, we got his friend Phoebe and headed down to Ram's Head Live for the Alkaline show. Earlier in the week I had gotten a message from Rob about the Ian Curtis tombstone getting stolen and Alkaline and all. He sent it Monday, but I didn't check MySpace till Thursday. He then mentioned listening to Saves The Day and remembering slow dancing wth me at the show in Philly (coinsedently, that was four years ago this weekend). It made me feel strange, like why did he bring that up? Would Melanie like it if she knew that he said that? I got a little upset, being reminded of that, because I am putting all that behind me, and why does he still think of all that when it wasn't enough to keep going, it just dredges things up, and most of all, it made me feel bad to even comment on it, on account of being so fond of Nick. Anyways, we went to the Alkaline show, it was really fucking good. Ran into Kyle, saw Steve and Rainey, but only for a minute, unfortunately. I would have loved to hang out withe them more. After the show, we went to Papermoon again (there really are no places open 24 hours, and soon there will be one less).

The next day, we went to Punk's Picnic in Wyman Park for a bit before heading off to Philly. It's amazing how it's exactly like all the stuff with John Hicks and everybody was in the beginning of me getting in with everybody. Felt a little out of place, since other than Nick, Phoebe was the only person there I remotely knew. I am amazed by how many dogs there were. It wouldn't be a punk gathering if there weren't a miriad of dogs running around. Got to Philly, stayed at the airport Marriott instead of the one in the city. Had a hell of a time finding parking, ended up with a ticket by the end of our time in Old City (meter expired at 9:53, meters shut off at 10, now that's just spitefulness.) Put our name in at Cuba Libre, had a couple drinks at Tattoo Mom's, then back to Cuba Libre (fucking amazing, as usual), then back to Tattoo Mom's (the upstairs is a lot like Talking Head). Couldn't get drunk on account of having to get back on 95 and take the bridge to get to the hotel, so next time I'm hoping to be able to walk everywhere. It was that fucking Greek Week up there again (although nobody I saw looked Greek), crazy and congested, six or eight cops every block, directing traffic, so many "urbanites", there was tension and around one, they shut off the power and South Street went dark, all the shops and resaurants and street lights, as the cops herded everybody off the street towards Broad. Luckily, we were able to get back to the car, but traffic was nightmare and it took 45 minutes to get from South Street to Broad where I could then get over to the hotel. We couldn't fall asleep till 5 in the morning since we were all heped up on Cuban coffee haha. Shame other ways to pass the time were not an option. Yesterday we went to The Mutter Museum and dinner at a Japanese place called Uzo. Nick finally got his toro (fatty tuna) sushi, which he said was awesome (it should be for $10 for one piece!!) and I had chicken terriaki and asparagus (no rice, which at first I thought wasn't going to be enough food, but it ended up being just enough, very good, didn't feel stuffed.). Learned how to use chop-sticks, finally. Hope I remember how to use them for next time. It's kind of pretentious, but I also like that I know how to do it now. We finally got to go in that old time ice cream parlour right there. Coffee ice cream in a waffle cone for me and Nick got a rootbeer float. God, that was a good time. I do like ice cream every once in a while. Got back on the road to B-more, I picked him up around 11 and we went to Frazier's for a bit. Rob was just leaving, but he stayed then for a couple of drinks. I stuck to Natty Boh (two) since they are only $1.50, and God knows, we really need to get a handle on this spending (especially me). I'm almost a little afraid that I can and sometimes actually enjoy drinking beer now haha. I know it puts weight on you, but it's also a bit of a change and I guess it's good to be able to atleast tolerate it since in some situations that's all there is to drink.

I will be glad to get out of here and hopefully take a nap. If Carm is up I know I will want to sit with her, but I could really use a nap to catch up on sleep before hitting club Charles later.

Managed to stay till 4:30, or 4:20, more likely, yesterday. Headache pretty much went away by the time I went to lunch. Einstein Brothers' everything bagel with tuna (tuna was fucking on point yesterday!!) and cucumber, potato salad, and iced coffee. Sat outside, had a cig, it was very enjoyable. The afternoon dragged, as they tend to do, and by the time I left I was feeling the crash from the caffiene. Had to stop by Target on the way home for bug spray for whatever those creatures are that live under the stove, whose existence plague Carmin to no end. Also felt the need to purchase some Milano cookies. God, they are so good. I had four, which would equal about 240 calories with my dinner last night. Felt very tired and weak, since I really didn't get much sleep Monday (or Sunday, come to think of it), so when I got home, I had my dinner, which consisted of turkey, cheese, and mustard on an English muffin, some salines with roasted red pepper hummus, and the Milano cookies. I guess that was rather a lot for yesterday, since I had lunch, as well. Anyways, I then took a nap on the sofa till Carmin got home and we hung out till I got a text from Nick saying that he'd just gotten out of work. Went to the Ottobar. It was a good time. When we got there, Rob Soma was already there, Victor, Kyle, and Kristina came a little later. I'm so glad Victor's back in town for good now. It feels good to have "my people". Nick and Victor actually did a great deal of talking, at one point going out to smoke on their own, so I'm glad Victor doesn't seem to dislike him now. Matt Kelly and Chris Jerkass showed up at one point, and later on we went over to Rocket where they were after we left the Ottobar. When we were getting our tabs before we left, Nick kissed me and said that was something he hadn't gotten to do nearly enough last night. We ended up falling asleep when we got home, so he stayed over, which was nice, I was glad he stayed.

I think we have decided to go to Philly this weekend instead of the ocean, since there is much more to do in Philly. I don't really want to go in the water, what with the sand and all, and while a few months ago I would have totally loved to wear a bathing suit, sow, not so much. I know I really don't look bad, I mean by anyone's standards other than my own, I would be considered far from grotesque, I just don't look AS good as I did (although, there are several people who said I look better now, healthier. I don't know.).

I think I'll look up directions to The Mutter Museum, I'd like to take Nick there and he has expressed an interest in it, as well. I guess it's kind of weird to take him places where Rob and I went, but on the other hand, I can't feel like that. There is part of me that is considering selling my ring, partly because I could really use the money (mainly, it would make me feel a lot better about not finishing school or wanting anything to do with massage therapy now, like replacing that wasted money, making it up to B & P, and also, strangely appropriate to sell the item whose symbolism is what prompted my deciding to go to massage school, and whose demise caused me to want nothing to do with it, so it makes far too much sense.), and partly because I am starting to feel more and more, what purpose does it serve to hold onto? I can't (certainly wouldn't) wear it again, and even though it's tangible proof of something wonderful that once existed, evidence that there was a time that Rob loved me so much and wanted to marry me, but I also feel like I have the other jewelry and pressies and miriad memories, and three and a half (three without incident) years to be reminded of the signifigance of what once was. That ring also serves to remind me, not only of what was, in an "I know it was real and I am so thankful to have had it" kind of way, but also in a reminding me how it broke my heart and what a fucked up thing it was him leaving and giving up and all, so really do I need something like that to sit in a box packed away? Would it be better to further put the entire mess behind me and put that money to good? It's also that once we got engaged, which was entirely Rob's idea and something HE was so enthusiastic about (like I've said before, I never pushed for anything. That's not to say I didn't want it, too, or that I wasn't thrilled, because I was, but it was his idea, and once he'd convinced me of it, and it actually became official, he changed his mind and gave up.), that's when the cracks started to appear and I can honestly say looking back now, when we got officially engaged, that was when things started to deteriorate. I guess I feel like I would be better served in not having it, making the money back would make me feel a lot better. I'm still undecided I guess.

I have a migraine today and as much as I want to go home, I can't because of the occurence bullshit here at the hospital and the fact that if I leave, I will get fired. I'm still going to try to leave around 2, once I've worked six hours of my shift and it wouldn't count against me.

I managed to finally get my laundry done last night, after Carmin and I went to Cafe Hon for our free B-day dinners. Had to go to the laundromat, which took a long time and was boring, clothes were still wet, but it was after 9 and Nick texted me that he'd just gotten out of work, so I had to make due. We went to Club Charles and it was a lot of fun. Rob Soma came out, as well, which is always nice. After he left, I don't even remember how it got started or brought up, or even now what was specifically said, but it was something along the lines of me saying that Nick was from Baltimore money, and boy, did that upset him. I really don't want to recount the entire thing, but I got so scared, and upset then, myself, and started to explain that I don't mean that, and how really I'm jealous that my parents don't do anything for me, but I just started crying, and he immediately hugged me and told me not to cry, and we just kept hugging eachother and I kept repeating that I never want to upset him again, and he said he never wants me to cry like that, and that it would make him cry, too, and how hard he's tried to separate himself from the Baltimore money thing he was born into, and how he knew he never wanted to be a part of that, and I said I know, and I do, really, I describe him in that way, it's one of the things I admire about him. He just kept saying for me not to cry, that I was too pretty for it, and that I mean the world to him. He means the world to me, too. I told him, and he really does. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut (Bigmouth Strikes Again), I swear I will never make those same mistakes again. I want so badly to be a good girl for him. I am thankful for it resolving like that and I will not say stupid things. I especially hated when he left last night, we stood on the porch making out for ten or fifteen minutes.

I will be glad to get out of here, hopefully at 2, and take a nap before going with Nick to Two For Tuesdays.

I much prefer things when I don't have to be here.

Work resumed today, following a glorious three day weekend for Independence Day. Suppose I made good use of my time, of course there is the ubiquitous wish there had been MORE time, more days, but that goes without saying.

Managed to detox a wee bit over the course of Wednesday and Thursday. Didn't eat at all till dinner Thursday evening at Outback with Mom and Tony, felt good about that, limited myself to only two little pieces of that delicious bread, which I usually consume an entire loaf of myself. Went to Club Charles with Nick. It was packed, I guess since everybody was going to be off the next day. Had two lovely white Russians and I was good. We stopped off at Subway, which I probably shouldn't have, or could have done without, but eh. Friday, I had rather a hard time getting him up, since he said we should get an early start up to Philly, I think by 11:30 we were on the road to his parents' for him to change his shoes and get the EZ Pass, which was awesome of his parents to lend us. Saved $13 in tolls. Made relatively good time, got backed up at the Deleware tolls, but less than two plays of Everybody Hurts (the official song of traffic jams). Made it into the city, decided to park on South Street and walk to Olde City (only a couple of blocks, nice walk and less than I was anticipating, actually.). Cuba Libre was delicious, as always. Got a cranberry mimosa before dinner, then my Cuban Caesar Salad with grilled chicken, Nick got the Cuban Sandwich again, I got some garlic mashed potatoes, as well, because Nick had planned on splitting the salad with me, but ended up being pretty full, so we kind of had too much food. We plan to try something new next time, and I am going to leave room for dessert and this Godiva-espresso martini, as well. Afterwards, we went across the street to The Continental for martinis, Hengricks Gin with a twist, and an espresso (eSpresso, not eXpresso, I have been chastised repeatedly.), completely different, no Van Gough vodka, regular vodka with kahlua and an actual shot of espresso, chilled, very smooth. It was fabulous. Then over to Eulogy for some Belgian beer, had my Kasteel Rouge cherry beer, Nick had two that were 14%!! When we left to head back to South Street and Tattoo Mom's, it had started raining. It was still so early. I only had one more drink there, a vodka and diet, since I was feeling it and knew I'd have to drive sooner rather than later. Were we around here, I would have had no problem, no reservations, Bun Bun could drive himself from Ottobar or something, but from Philly, no, sobriety had to be restored. It was, on my part, atleast. Nick got wasted, and I had my hands full for the rest of our time there. In his intoxication, he did get very self-effacing, telling me I deserve the best, and I deserve better than him. When we left, I took him to Lorenzo Brothers for pizza, then got on the road back to B-more. Loud sing-a-longs to Love Me Dead and other gems, the majority of the evening Nick has no recollection of. Felt like we'd never get home, had that highway hypnosis thing, he had sobered up completely by the time we got back. Golf with his dad and brother Saturday, so he left and I went to bed.

Saturday I bummed around on my own, went to Fells and Hampden. Had a wonderful bagel with tuna and an iced cafe mocha at Common Ground. Found that Lenny Bruce book at Salemander Books I regreted not buying before. Got an awesome pencil skirt at H & M, which I wore Saturday night. While I was at the mall, I'd gotten a text from Nick saying, "Dinner tonight?". We went to J.D.'s Smokehouse in Canton, which was good, albeit a different species than our normal restaurants. Went to Brewer's afterwards, which was boring as shit, due mostly to the company we kept there, luckily I was able to inspire a trip over to Frazier's, which is where the evening became much more fun. Saw Chris Jerkass (the crust-punk Matthew McConnoughey) and Matt Kelly (so deep in the closet, he's finding Christmas presents), then ran into Rob and Angel on the way to Rocket. I succeeded in getting very drunk, which I honestly hadn't done in quite a while, since I wasn't driving, and it was a good time. I don't remember walking to the car, if that's any indication haha. Sunday saw us sleep in, waking the best way to start the day, then there was a bit of ridiculousness as my bedroom door got accidently locked and we had to break in with a screwdriver. We thought Nick's dad would have to come over with a ladder for him to get up on the porch roof to then crawl in my window to unlock the door, but luckily he was able to use the screwdriver to push the lock in. So now, he's had to break out of my house, and into my room, as well. We had every intention of going to the park, but the weather looked like rain, so we stopped by his parents' to check the forcast and ended up just hanging out and watching television. A bit of golf, a bit of the Eddie Izzard special ("I was a very driven boy scout, I was driven everywhere"), cracking up. Had pizza with his family later on, then he dropped me off home where I hung out with Carmin for the rest of the night, which was nice. There was literally nothing decent on television last night, all rubbish. Didn't get much sleep, though, on account of the two storms that went through, and all the wierd noises and shit in the house which normally don't bother me, but I thought I felt the bed move at one point in between falling asleep and still being awake (with no provication, mind), then there was a tapping at that damn trap door in the ceiling, and I was just ill at ease. I am in such desperate need to do laundry tonight. I'll probably end up going to the laundramat. Made the mistake of asking to do it at Mom's, she flipped out saying I need to call my landlord and that the house is a joke. She has such a way of cutting things down and over-reacting. I need to keep my business to myself.

I will be so glad to be done here today, especially since this will be another four-day work week, and see Nick later. I know if I tell him about the noises with the door to the attic, he will just tease and try to scare me, so I guess I should just keep my mouth shut.

Getting through today will be a feat of will, determination, and endurance.

I still don't feel that great. My stomach hurts less than it did yesterday, but I'm still terribly distended and feel particularly miserable. I slept yesterday when I got home from work pretty much the whole night, didn't eat anything, so that I ate nothing all day, which I atleast feel is a real step in the right direction, although I need to attend to some delayed matters before any improvement can be seen. Have my coffee here, but nothing yet, dammit.

Definatley felt like I atleast got caught up on some sleep. It was the only thing I could be bothered with anyways. Got a text from Nick around 10:30 saying he was going over that house on Calvert where we hung out with Phoebe for an hour or so, for me to get some sleep and we will have fun tonight. I will be very glad to see him and start this holiday weekend, I just hope I feel better. I actually felt so gross yesterday (and still today, really, so I hope there is some improvement by later), that I really wouldn't have wanted to be seen by anybody anyways.

Chain Gang

I will preface this entry by saying that this is getting old, I know, everyday is the same--- Fat Fat Water Rat, lamenting said fatness, my inability to lose weight, spurred on by my inability to resist temptation, the compounding of self-loathing and insurmountable mass, I feel that the battle is lost, the fucking war is sewn up, I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to fucking do. Today, I feel worse about myself than I think I have since I started feeling badly again. I want to detox myself, completely empty everything out, languish for a few days. I don't know what the fucking right equation is--- I try to eat less, I try, like yesterday, to eat salad and fruit, no fucking difference. I am faced with situations where eating is necessary and most enjoyable, what am I to do? I feel like I have a fucking addiction.

Now that that is out of the way, last night was fun, stretched quite into this morning, 5 o'clock this morning to be exact, so that gave me about two hours of sleep. We went to Ottobar, I got rather drunk (hence going to Subway on the way home, which was delicious and sobering, but illustrative of my fucking weight-gaining issues.), Nick looked quite dapper and striking, all kitted out in his suitcoat, tie, and fedora. One terribly nice thing said last night was that I do have eyes like Clara Bow. He made a new mix cd that we were listening to on the drive down and back, with several "Kathleen tracks," which featured the Fun Boy Three version of Our Lips Are Sealed, The Raveonettes, The Kills, then an acoustic Style Council version of A Town Called Malice (still Paul Weller singing, of course), a live Babyshambles song (during which, Nick said I had the biggest smile on my face and I looked far too happy), followed by his favourite off of Joy Division's Closer, Atrocity Exhibition, and, ironically enough, a song called Closer by Travis. This was a very good mix, and when he said, "So, did I do good, baby?" the resounding answer was yes. Nearing two hours after we got home from the bar and Subway, we were still mucking about, counting battle scars and adding new ones, till it was, in fact, five in the morning. The birds were singing when he left and I retired to get my requisite two hours of sleep. At one point during the festivities, when I was compelled to utter again how beautiful he is, his response that I am, too, made me almost cry, mainly because, although he comments, of his own volition frequently enough, that I am, it almost made me sad how much I want it to be true.

One thing that is going to suck is not being able to sleep in on Friday, since we want to head to Philly early and miss the traffic (coming and going). I know I would totally love to go straight to bed when I get home today, but I have the Comcast people hooking up the internet between 4 and 7, and I really need to do laundry today or tomorrow at the latest, and Carm and I have passes for free dinners at Cafe Hon we may want to use one of those days, as well. Yet another opportunity for me to eat and increase my girth whilst decreasing my self-esteem---awesome. That's the thing, I don't think I can even enjoy eating anything now I feel so miserable, yet I'm fucking compelled to do it. I wish I could get a gastric bypass so my stomach was small again and I wouldn't gorge myself, which is really the problem. My stomach shrank and now it's expanded back. I know that gastric bypass is not an option for someone weighing 120 some pounds, I'm being overly dramatic, but I wish SOMETHING could be done. Yesterday, I briefly considered just accepting that I am not going back down to a size two and weighing 110 pounds, that that was a shitty time in my life that had me get to look like that and not to keep stressing and being hung up on it now, but then today I feel bigger and less attractive than ever, and I can't shake the knowledge of how good I felt about myself, and how this tiny persona is in fact possible. But I can see it's not going to fucking happen unless I can be left without distraction or temptation for several days, and being that such things are constant, and I really haven't the time to take off of work to sleep the weight off, I am at a total loss.

I Know That You Want The Candy

I'm convinced that my losing any weight, let alone returning to some semblence of my previously tiny self is simply an impossibility, and it is something which fills me with sadness.

That said, it was with the best intentions (as it always is), that I began the week having an iced triple mocha yesterday morning on the way to work and a small salad (with garbonzo beans---chick peas--- awesome!!) and cherry Coke Zero for lunch. After Mom took me to Vee Dub to get my car, I went with them up to Firehouse, where I became ravenous. I really don't want to recount the whole thing, suffice to say there were streak fries involved, and I don't think I can eat Old Bay anymore. I took a nap later in the evening whilst waiting for Nick to get out of work, and again, did not have the air on or the window open, and I woke up very sick, also felt like I'd drank too much iced tea or had too many Dark Chocolate M & M's, as punishment, I imagine, and I felt, for a good while, like absolute shit. Nick didn't get out of work till 11, which means he achieved the mythical overtime at work, so we just met at Club Charles and he came straight from work. I hadn't really felt like leaving my bed, but I wanted to see Nick, so I managed to pull myself together. Had two vodka and diets, but nursed the first one nearly the whole night.

We had a good time, got in a very in depth conversation about books and authors, which were our favourites and which we detested, what books we'd maybe like to give another chance, that sort of thing. Nick said we should do something special for the 4th of July holiday this weekend (Saturday he's going to a golf thing during the day with his dad and brother), and had the idea of Cuba Libre on Friday. As much as I want to do that, I remember, shudderingly, what being in Philly on Fourth of July weekend was like last year, so I was a little apprehensive. However, then Nick had the idea for us to park either at the airport, or near the 95 exit on Broad Street and take the bus or a cab into the city and then not have to worry about parking or meters and just go wherever. That's a pretty good idea, I hope he intends to contribute to it financially. But any chance to go to Cuba Libre is cool with me. It was good to get to see him last night, I'm totally glad I decided to suck it up and just go. I ended up feeling completely better and still got a decent amount of sleep, getting home around quarter after two and sleeping till 7 this morning. It takes me no time to get to work from the house now, much quicker than from the apartment, which means more time to sleep or stop for coffee on the way in. Of course, I have come to the conclusion that getting coffee first thing in the morning usually sets me up to overeat for the day, in that either it sets me up to get hungry or gives me nothing to do on lunch but actually get lunch, thus making me totally want dinner, and so on. I find if I hold out till lunch for coffee, I do much better. Back when everything happened and I lost all that weight, I was sustaining myself on pretty much nothing except for a Frap and close to a pack of cigarettes a day. Then there was the gradual eating good on the weekend, which if I could ever get back to that regime, I'd be very pleased. I wish I could make it happen, or atleast not go overboard, especially when I am on my own. I want to enjoy myself when I am out with people, not gorge myself when I'm on my own, there is no sense in it.

Got to see a good deal of Empire Records yesterday, which is never a bad thing.