Oh, I am miserable. Seasonal allergies have started, and I am utterly miserable!! Nick started on Saturday. Yesterday, he seemed considerably better, not coughing hardly at all, a little congested, but definately better. I just started with it yesterday here at work, and it got worse in the evening whilst at Chris' parents' house watching The Ravens' game. I hadn't taken anything, and even contemplated taking some DayQuil out of the medicine cabinet there to head it off, but thought better of it. Suppose they knew ahead of time how many pills there were? So I soldiered on and suffered through. Felt so good to get home and get in bed. Would have loved to have called out today, and by right should have fucking been able to (it's only civilised), but I put in today to take off tomorrow. Even though it is short notice, I can request off and it won't be like calling out. Does that make sense?

Felt bad that I felt shitty and wasn't terribly good company last night, tried to pay attention to the game, I think I am starting to understand a little bit, but Nick was terribly sweet and said that I was fine, and that I was so damn cute, which was very nice considering how red my nose is right now. Plan on going home and taking some Niquil, going to bed, and getting up later for Ottobar. Toying with the idea of drinking some whiskey, again, for medicinal purposes.

Interview went rather well. Have to go back for a second one with the head practice manager. Glad Nick is feeling better. Hope I do soon. I think that Thursday is the Tegan and Sara show that him and Christina are going to. I will be glad to see him later.

Let's Dance To Joy Division

Back to work today. Have that interview this afternoon. Tracey has appearently called out today, but I am still intent on taking a damn lunch and leaving at 2 for this interview. Feel pretty well-rested, it was a lazy sort of weekend, mostly on account of the weather. Friday after work, I went home, took a shower and got some clothes together. Nick and I ventured out around 9 to Owl Bar, which I am very sorry to say is, in fact, going steadily and rapidly downhill. This, of course, breaks my heart, since I love that building so much and have had so many good meals and times there--- I was going to get married there--- however, the last two times we have been there, the quality just hasn't been up to par in any way, cleanliness, service, taste. I am glad atleast these last two times we have had the gift certificates and not put the money out of pocket. Damn shame. I'd still go back some time in the future and hope that it has improved. Following that, we went to The Wind-up. Haven't seen Rob and Angel or anybody since last Tuesday. Being that this past week was so rough on both of us, it was so awesome knowing that we could sleep in on Saturday and with the exception of the dogs, had nothing pressing to do.

Sleep in we did, and the weather was fucking horrible, torrential downpours all day, finally went out to the Halloween store for Nick to get his Joker costume, got drenched, came home and laid in front of the fireplace. Christina came over for a little while, then Nick and I went to Starbucks and stopped in Towson Diner to see her and Cyntia before getting ready to go to dinner ourselves. We had reservations for Woodberry Kitchen, which was very good, although I would have enjoyed my meal more were we not sitting on the edge of this balcony (in truth it fucked with Nick's vertigo far more than mine). Also, Nick is geting sick now, and he was starting to feel it during the meal. I got salmon, which was undercooked initially, but they sent me up a new one, ended up being too much food, really. The mashed potatoes were made with buttermilk, and they were amazing. I would have married this plate of mashed potoatoes!! Nick got pork tenderloin, which I kind of wished in retrospect that I had gotten. My salad was basic but very fresh and delicious, Nick's soup was a shrimp and corn bisque, which worked surprisingly well, and was very, very good. The desserts will be the death of me in places like this--- flourless chocolate cake, cinnamon ice cream (Oh, my God!!) for me, and this ice cream sundae for Nick with vanilla and espresso ice creams (the espresso wasn't as potent as I was hoping, actually), homemade chocolate chip cookie and chocolate marshmellow, chocolate sauce and caramel. Left feeling big as houses, poor Nick feeling his cold or allergies or whatever it is. We went to The Wind-up, mainly for Nick to get some whiskey in him, for medicinal purposes, Russell waved the covers for us, which ruled, and we made it home to sleep the fuck in yesterday.

Went on a little excursion to Hampden to Common Ground for coffee, Nick watched football and and Myth Busters, as did I, when I wasn't dozing. Went home to meet Mom and Tony who were dropping off some stuff for Carmin and I--- Buba and Pop's vacuum and old kitchen table, and some other stuff. When they left, I ran back over to Nick's having picked up dinner for us, and saw him parents who just got back from Ithica. Went to bed around 9:30. Realized it had been since last Tuesday that I had slept in my bed, woke well-rested and pretty raring to go. Would feel better if my digestive system got back in line, plan on starting that Activia yogurt thing.

This place has been a fucking mad house already. Will be glad to leave for lunch, then this interview, then go home!! Tonight we are going to Rob's friend's house in Ellicott City to watch The Ravens' game, so Club Charles will probably send out a missing person's ad for us haha.

Garlic Bread and Boiler Makers

So glad it is Friday, I cannot tell you!! Really didn't get enough sleep last night, but didn't drink too much, so feel alright. Got up at 6, fed the puppies, laid back down, and waited until 6:30. Got up, took my pill and got dressed. Laid back down till 7, took the dogs out. When I came back in, Nick had woken up, so I sat with him for too few minutes, before he went up sto get ready and I had to leave so I knew that I wouldn't be late. Really glad that I don't have to deal with this place for a couple of days--- come on 4:30!! I should get to take a fucking lunch today, too, for once. Starbucks has probably gone under without my patronage.

We had quite a dinner last night. I stopped and got garlic bread on the way to Nick's yesterday and brought my garlic and cheese tortolini, which we combined with a spinach and cheese package he had. Tossed that with the white truffle olive oil, added fresh basil and pepper, some grated parmasean, and had the garlic bread. I made a total pig of myself with the garlic bread--- ate three slices--- didn't even realize it till it was too late. It came up in conversation later on how Nick had two and Christina (who came over whilst waiting for Cyntia to get out of work and then the two of them hung out for a little bit) had one slice, so where did the other three go? I must say, it was a real low for me. Even when he said later on that I was beautiful and that sort of thing, there was no escaping my conduct this week and how fucking ridiculous and out of control I've become. A real fucking low. Maybe just the motivation I need.

We went to the Wind-up last night following two episodes of the American version of Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. Like the British one better, of course, but thrilled to have found the American one again, since they are new episodes and I think that I've seen all of the BBC ones they keep re-running. Wind-up had this jazz band, which for the most part was like several discordant cats having their tails pulled in a less than melodic fashion. Afterwards, however, they played a cd of Dead Kennedy's covers all played on the accordian, surprisingly worked far too well and thrilled Nick to no end.

That film adaptation of Choke comes out today, which I really want to see. The Book Festival is going on in Mount Vernon this weekend, providing it doesn't rain, and there is that Black Kids show at The Ottobar tomorrow. Really the best thing is not being here, so I don't care what, if anything, we do (other than eachother--- oh, that was vulgar.).

I have just gotten a call from one of the places where I applied, and am going out there on Monday when I leave here. I was supposed to go to the dentist and put in to leave early, so I called the dentist and cancelled. Heard from Brandy, who said her boss has been out of the office, but intends on bringing me in for an interview. Hope something comes out of this.

When I leave work today, I have to go home and get myself together and then head over Nick's. I am going to be good, no complaining, no being fat (or talking about it), no being blah and tired, since I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow!!

I really want a new job. At this point I don't care who I hear from (within reason), so long as it's closer than Woodlawn (shame about that American job). I punched in at 7:59 this morning--- I don't know why I can't find a way without traffic from Nick's in the morning. Went over there yesterday after I came home, took a shower, and got some stuff together. Of course, I ended up wearing the same thing I put on last night to work today, only cords instead of jeans, so I will still probably stop by my house after work before heading back over. Just stayed pretty down-tempo last night. After some debate, ended up ordering Papa John's, which was good, and there are left-overs plus a whole untouched order of cheesybread that we can have tonight with the tortolini. I do recognise that this whole week, even after the hitting of rock bottom that I thought I did last week, I have been on a fucking bender since Sunday and it is no fucking good. I cannot for the life of me take on any positive or healthy habits. I only have willpower to stick with or apply myself for the bad ones. I have been gorging myself basically out of anger and apathy at this work situation, and feeling like I have already fucked up so badly, what difference does it make? I know that I am compounding what was already a problem, and today, I actually feel disgusted by the thought of eating, as though I've physically done enough of it to last me a good while. Everytime I think I have bad habits or am spiraling out of control, a little while later on I get so much worse, and when I look back, that seems positively reasonable and managable. There hasn't even been any attempt on my part though this week, I've been throwing myself headlong into it, with anger and spite and willfullness, and I know it's very bad. I'm coming off it today though, for as much difference as it makes. Nothing till Nick and I have dinner later, and tomorrow nothing till dinner either. I think it is because of stress. Last year, I smoked a lot more, presently, I can't step out of this prison like I used to and not smoking in the house, I guess I've taken to eating. Don't know which is worse.

The pizza and cheesybread were wonderful last night, we watched Jepardy and Myth Busters before Project Runway came on, then like right after 10, I fell right to sleep. Felt like an old lady, said this morning sorry I did, will try to stay up tonight. Woke up this morning, fed the dogs, walked them, then woke Nick up and sat with him for a bit. He gave me a key to the house, even though he will probably be there by the time I get out there today.

Don't know what I am going to do, I want out of here so badly. It's really fucking with my mind now. Wish I could go to Starbucks, all this gratuitous eating is fucking with my digestive system, too. Too Much Information, I know, I know. Atleast it is Thursday and I am already here and a couple of hours are past. Maybe if they have that shitty Chinese food at conference I can take my own lunchbreak when I come back and go to Starbucks, if I say I never got to eat? 4:30 can't come soon enough. I will be glad to see Nick later and have some fun.

I am ready walk out of this fucking place. Oh, I really want to hear something wonderful from somebody. I am so ready. If only I could have something lined up and say fuck it. I am fantasizing about packing up my meager possessions, my desktop affects, and hit the fucking trail. I'm shaking with anger and fury at this moment.

Come On Hide Your Lovers Underneath The Covers

Well, my feeling like shit subsided somewhat yesterday, before returning with fury and then morphing into a full-blown migraine. I stuck it out till 2 o'clock, when I could go home without getting fired and drank some regular Coke before getting in bed and sleeping for a couple of hours. When I woke up, the migraine had gone, thankfully, and Carmin was home. We made ourselves dinner and watched some television before having a cig and then each retiring for naps. I know that this is terribly unhealthy, eating and then going straight to bed, but sometimes it's the only thing to do. Also, I think that there is part of me that will never tire of the fact that as an adult, I can do such a thing. Slept very well, so well that I didn't get up when I meant to to get ready for Nick coming down and only woke up when I heard his car pulling up outside and had to scurry-scurry to get dressed for Ottobar. Ottobar was fairly hopping early on, show downstairs. Rob and Angel were there, but I didn't get to talk too much to them. Rob is sick and so is Allen, come to think of it, and loads of people have called out at my job and Carmin's, which sucks. Rob's band is playing a show at Hopkins on Friday for students only, but he is trying to get Nick let in as his PR guy, and maybe me, as well. Victor came out, so we bought him a couple drinks for his B-day and it was mostly Nick and I talking with him and Laurie. Listened to Arcade Fire's Funeral on the way home. When I get out of here today, I have to go home and get my stuff together for work tomorrow, since I will stay over Nick's tonight. Not sure if I will pack for Thursday evening and all, too or what. Will figure it out. I loved the fact that when he was leaving last night, both of us remarking that it is a shame that he has to go home pretty much as soon as we get back from someplace, in order to get up early now for work, he said, "But tomorrow, you're all mine, so you better be ready."

Project Runway should be heating up tonight.

Anywhere I Lay My Head

I feel like absolute shit. I drug myself in here to work today, I want to fucking go home so bad. I know they will fire me, however, I did get a call back from American and I really want to be able to follow up and hopefully go on an interview for that. I don't know how I would get to leave or not be here to go to that anyways, so I may have to cut my losses someplace to begin with. I just feel shitty!

Loaded some pictures from Nick's B-day onto MySpace. Luckily the nonsense with Rob has been resolved and we are in agreement about acknowledging eachother and also not doing anything to spit on what was once very important to us. I'm glad about that, but I also in no way want anything pertaining to that to over-shadow or preoccupy my time with Nick.

I was glad that once we got out last night, Nick got out of his malaise, I certainly know how helpless I must make people feel when I am in a mood. But we had fun, and even did a little dancing at last call in Club Charles. Then there was some awesome making out to Tom Waits music in the car. I think starting tonight I may start the staying over Nick's parents', since I'm not sure what time they leave for Ithica tomorrow.

Went upstairs and got some toast with cream cheese--- it was like a damn banquet. Tell me why that plain old white toast and little container of Philadelphia cream cheese was so delicious. I have been on a bender since Sunday. I think I have a tapeworm, although, if I had a tapeworm, I would remain super-skinny and never feel satiated, which is not the case. I also think there is going to be a delayed reaction to all of this eating, too, since I don't really see it yet, but surely it will catch up with me. I've also concluded that one of the reasons I enjoy eating so much is that I seek refuge in it since it is one of the few things I can do freely that is not interrupted or marred or compromised by my O.C.D.. I find myself thinking sometimes when in the midst of an O.C.D. loop, of enjoying something delicious and it feels very much like being rescued.

I hope to hear something back from somebody--- anybody--- this week in regards to getting another job. I am just too ready for something else. Coming in here makes me feel like I am wasting away, not being challenged and frankly taken advantage of, as well. Anyways, I will look into what time Aerotek closes and try to make it out there, or, if I can, take a day off and go.

Weekend was fun. Friday after work, Carmin and I went to Golden West for dinner. I got the quesadillas which, as anticipated, were fantastic. Sour cream would have been a welcome addition, but really, they are some awesome quesadillas. We got rosemary garlic fries to start, and then a piece of chocolate-mocha cake for dessert. Also, because the kitchen was so notoriously slow, the waiter gave us three hot out of the oven chocolate chip and walnut cookies, which we brought home. Nick came down and we went to The Wind-up (Carmin says if she hears the words, "Wind-up" once more she is going to kill me. I can't help that we go there an awful lot.) for the Grand Opening. I really wish I had dressed up, for myriad reasons--- Nick was in full regalia, looking stunning as always, and he insists that I look good all the time, but still, especially considering that Mr. Farley and Melanie came in--- of course, now that it's written up in the City Paper, they have to get in on it. Neither of us spoke to the other, and were in close proximity, and it made me feel awkward and sad after the fact that neither of us said beans. I don't know what is worse, acting like we are buddy-buddy, or pretending like we don't know eachother. Well, it actually kind of bothered me into the next day, and I got on MySpace Saturday morning and planned on sending a message saying that, when I saw a bulletin that he had posted titled "Faggy dudes trying to look cool," and in the body field, "Knock it off with the fucking hats already." Now, that was just mean-spirited and out of line, and made me feel like shit, because here I am feeling bad that I didn't atleast be a big person to say hello, and here is Nick who is a wonderful and super-cool person who doesn't deserve shit talked about him, and that for Rob to say something like that is just to shit on what we were suppose to still hold dear of our past. So I sent a message saying that I felt bad we hadn't spoken, then I saw his bulletin--- not cool. He wrote back, in the most condescending way possible that he could see how I could choose to interpret his comment as being about Nick, however, it was merely a comment on fashions he hates in general and a continued reaction to statements regarding such things that he has made in the past. He of course made it sound like I am self-absorbed for thinking that he meant it about Nick and that he has better things to do (not likely). I responded, a rather good response, I think, basically what I said before, that there are tons of things I see that disgust me, beyond fashion, and that I would expect more out of him than that, but it still makes me feel shitty, and I know it was a deliberate dig. While I have no doubt he feels like that in general, there's no way he didn't say it knowing it would apply here. He seems to forget that he wore that damn jeepcap I got him to death for several years. Anyways, it's just so fucking stupid, and for one to call the other petty, it's all just a fucking waste. I am sorry for devoting fucking blogspace to such trivialities and for even wasting breath about it.

Other than that, Friday night was fun. We slept in very late Saturday and eventually made it out of the house to got to Fell's to look at records and I finally got to take Nick to Slainte for fish and chips, which he really enjoyed. I'm so glad, since I had been talking it up as the best fish and chips in the city. We went to his parents' for a little bit after that, where he got some more of his records and we played them at me and Carmin's and had an impromptu dance party in the diningroom. Carmin hung out with us and it was a lot of fun. Talked Project Runway and Adult Swim. Then Nick and I went to--- guess where--- The Wind-up, met Rob, Angel, Laurie, and Joe. Had a really good time, and somehow, we were there before anybodyelse, and were the last ones to leave, again. Don't know how, with all of the drinks we had, the bill came to $22, but that is one of the reasons we like it there. Stopped at Subway on the way back. Watched a little television before he left to go to The Ravens' game with his dad yesterday, and Carmin and I went to Common Ground for coffee and bagels. She and Allen were going to Darla's for dinner and I went to Outback with Dad and Mary. Went to bed at 9. Had a wonderful night's sleep. Must do fucking laundry today though, the situation is desperate. Later this week, Nick's parents are going away, so I will have to help him with the dogs and I guess stay there for a couple of days, which is cool.

Thinking about espresso martinis at Club Charles this evening, even though it is only 9:20 in the morning!!

It's Only Rock And Roll But I Like It

It's Friday, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Plans got a little changed last night. My plans of doing laundry before the show last night were scratched when I got out of work and received a message from Nick asking if I wanted to join him and his parents for dinner at Dogwood before hitting the show. Needless to say, that was a great big "Yes!" so I rushed home and got ready and met them at the restaurant. It was really good. Pretty pleased with what I made my first meal in two days, I suppose--- Maryland Crab soup, what was essentially a Caesar salad with radishes and a vegan horseradish dressing (and ryebread croutons), and a side of mashed potatoes. None of the entrees or small plates appealed to me, so I decided to make my meal from the starters and sides, and with the exception of the mashed potatoes (and dark chocolate chip black cherry ice cream for dessert--- I know, I know) the meal was rather light. But it was delicious and fun hanging out with Nick and his parents. His dad said I can use him as a reference, which is very kind and may add a little boost to my resume. It's funny, I forget that he is who he is now, I don't even notice it anymore. He got this birch beered marinated beef roast that was amazing, Nick got bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin (bacon, of course!), his mom got something with grilled eggplant (didn't try that). All in all, the meal was awesome and it wasn't what you'd call overly pricey, either. Have to take Mom and Tony there sometime, too. Clementine has opened up again, so that is definately a place I want to go to again and take them there, as well. After dinner, we walked down to Rob's to give him a ticket to the show, then headed over to Fletcher's. Called Angel since Laurie was in Carrol County, so she met us there later on. The show itself was really good, and I'm really glad Craig gave us those tickets. The first band, The Annuals, Nick really enjoyed, but I didn't care for. Actually, I really didn't like them, one song was alright. If I had heard them first and then saw them, I may have liked them more, but I didn't like the looks of them. I know that sounds wrong, but what I mean is they just acted weird, showboating and making silly faces, pretentiously changing instruments between and even during songs. It was a little self-indulgent in my opinion. The Black Kids, however, who played second, were awesome, as expected. I was surprised that they played "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" as soon into their set as they did, but like Nick said, they only have so many songs. Really enjoyed them and would see them again next week when they play Ottobar, should funds be available. I think tickets are only like $14. The third act was Tom Morrello, from Rage Against The Machine, which I wasn't too interested in initially, but let me tell you, I am fucking sold. The guy is amazing, as a guitarist, as a political activist, as just a fucking cool guy. I'm so impressed with his solo material, I really enjoyed it. Afterwards we made our way over to The Wind-up--- had to congratulate Russell on winning Best New Bar In Baltimore for the City Paper. He was so sweet, hugged us and said that we helped make it happen by supporting it and bringing people out and I couldn't be more pleased for him. I just hope everybody and their brother doesn't start invading the joint and it bringing undesirables--- a.k.a. Wham City types. It's that whole catch 22 like with bands, you want them to get exposure because they are awesome, but you want them to remain your own and not sell-out. Eh, tonight's the official grand opening party tonight so we are going to check that out. May go to Joe Squared for dinner beforehand, I still want to try their pizza since I've heard such good things and it is right across the street.

I am very glad it is Friday and also that The Ravens' game is in the afternoon on Sunday, so hopefully Nick can stay over Saturday and just get up around 11 Sunday to still get there with his dad early for tailgating. If I hear from Victor I will try to get them to come to The Wind-up for their B-day festivities.

Surprisingly enough, the first hurtle prehaps has been cleared--- nothing solid passed my lips the whole of yesterday. I had consumed only liquids since that little cheese and cracker incident in the wee hours of Wednesday morning after coming home from The Ottobar, until about twenty minutes ago when I had an apple. I know it is silly, but I actually feel a sense of accomplishment, and although it is too soon to see any difference, I can feel it, and I know that the first step has been taken, and it will get easier now.

Mom and Tony came over yesterday evening for me to do massages on their shoulders and cervical spines. I had managed to get my errands run after work, all hopped up on delicious iced mocha from Common Ground, I was buzzing all around the house, hugely motivated and energised. Took a nap after they left till Carm came home and we watched Project Runway and it was awesome. Atleast she was in a good mood and things between us were completely normal, and we may have a date to hang out on Sunday, if Allen is not off, since Nick is going to The Ravens' game with his dad. That would be really good for us to do an old-school, all-day affair.

It's all about keeping yourself busy or sleeping, to keep one's mind off of food, atleast to get the ball in motion and once I make a little leadway, I know that much like before, I will be able to enjoy when I indulge so much more, since I will have earned it and will be able to afford it.

Have those tickets to that Black Kids show at Fletcher's tonight, which is cool. Will have to keep the drinking to a minimum. I will be so glad to get out of here and see that beautiful boy later.

I keep thinking that's it, I can't possibly sink any lower, any more desperate, hopeless, out of control with my gaining weight and failed attempts at losing it than I have, and yet, somehow, I keep finding a way. Each new week, I begin with such resolve and with a semingly fail-safe plan to make this shit happen, only to have it fall apart or me fuck something up, and we go back to simply compounding the problem. This week is no exception. Usually, atleast, I get through Tuesday staying on track, and it is usually around Wednesday that things start to go a-rye (usually something having to do with that bloody conference), however, this week, I couldn't even manage that. I fell slightly short the mark on Monday, but it was alright (had that granola bar first, then salad), but yesterday is when I really lost it. First of all, I ate breakfast, which I never do, but I wanted oatmeal, which is supposed to be good for losing weight, fiber, lowering cholesterol, and just tastes good, so even though I wasn't hungry, I got some oatmeal in the cafeteria and a V8 (which I have always been fond of, though haven't had in a while, and is also supposed to be so good for you.) So these sounded like winning things, even if they were superfluous (seeing as how I wasn't feeling hungry). Well, either my body was so shocked at eating so early or the residual affects of Club Charles, or the combination of oatmeal and tomato juice, or a little of all three, but I suddenly and progressively felt like I was going to die. I felt weak and dizzy and shakey and like I was going to pass out. Of course, I don't have the luxury of actually going home when I am sick, so I took my lunchbreak and slept in my car for an hour. I awoke feeling 100% better, completely normal, like the whole thing never happened. When I went back in, the damn rep had brought pizza for the Interventional Department, and I had two slices (honestly, it wasn't even good pizza). What makes it so bad, is that I wasn't even hungry, I just cannot help myself. I have been reading about eating disorders (mainly to find out how the hell those anorexic kids do it--- where do they get their willpower, and how can I get in on that--- ok, not really, but you know what I mean.), and about compulsive eating, and how it's the same behaviours as drug addiction and damn if I don't see it. Also, with my Mom getting treatment now for her depression and anxiety and having put all of her weight back on, and it consequently fucking with her knees and fibromyalgia, really seeing that we really have some addiction behaviours. What I don't fucking get, is how I was able to simply not eat, or just not eat much, for all those months, with no problem last year, and while I in no way would ever wish for the same sort of circumstances to make such a thing again possible, I'm just trying to remember how I was able to lose that twenty pounds. Now it seems so far-gone and fantastic and unattainable. I feel like I don't want to leave the house. I feel like I can't trust myself. Last night marked a bit of a low for me. After we came back from Ottobar, and Nick left, I proceeded to eat four slices of block cheddar and probably 10 saltines, in a kind of frenzy on the couch, half drunk. Atleast I stopped when I did, I could have kept going. I was somewhat hungry, since all I had had was salad for dinner, and this was several hours later, but it is so much better to go to bed on an empty stomach, and so self-defeating to eat and go straight to bed. I almost didn't remember it this morning. I guess because I'd already fucked up yesterday, I figured why not. This is the fucking attitude that I keep having and things keep getting worse and more out of control.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut about it around Nick though, for the most part. We went to Ottobar last night. Victor was there and he brought the Buick, but Nick didn't see it yet, hopefully Friday Victor will have it out (it is his and Joe Red's B-day coming up and that is the night we will probably do something for the occasion.) so that Nick can look like he stepped out of a Dashell Hammett novel (he's from Bawlmer, you know.). We got tickets to see Black Kids at Fletcher's from Craigger's last night for free, which was so nice of him. It is also the premiere of the new season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which I know I will miss, but I hope to see it rerun soon. Also need to get Season 3 on DVD.

I know that in a half an hour I will be going over there to conference, and there will be food, and at the moment my stomach is in fact growling, and I really don't want to cave in. I know that I need to fast atleast initially to get the ball rolling, to make some sort of leadway, and then I am confident I will be able to maintain it.

Trying really hard to keep myself motivated and not lose focus. Rather proud of myself yesterday--- iced grande triple mocha, one of Starbuck's new granola bars (200 calories, but they are pretty big), and a salad of romaine, cucumber, and baby carrots. A very little bit of Fat Free Wishbone Italian, could have used more, actually. Need to stop today and get more dressing, since this is nearly the end of it. More salad for dinner tonight--- cutting up the peppers. I really don't enjoy the iced mochas at Starbucks anymore, yesterday's was more out of desperation and necessity than anything. Common Ground's is amazing, in form and function. It's a shame that is so far from out here. Same with Donna's--- I think I'm just about there for a free drink with my stamps. Anyways, enough with the coffee related blethering. Trying to maintain today. Did get rather too tight last night, on account of not eating much it would seem (although I did eat some popcorn at the bar. I don't think that should make much of a difference.). Trying to determine when would be the best time to eat, early in the day or dinnertime. Dinnertime for having something on my stomach before going out, and I can usually hold out or not feel hungry till around then, or earlier in the day when I will burn more of it off. I just want to drop SOME of it at this point, if I could make some kind of headway and get back to where I was when I started putting it back on, if I could get back there, I'd be happy. I also kind of wonder about oatmeal, that's supposed to be really good for you.

I slept all evening till Nick came down. We went to Golden west first, since Scout was playing a show, but they got pushed back to be the headliner, and it would have been too late to wait around and see them, so we just hung out with everybody for a little bit, then went to Club Charles. Good time, didn't stop at Subway, which was good. We both fell asleep, Nick woke up around 4 and left, spoke to him this morning to be sure that he got home and got up. I guess we have to make earlier evenings, which is alright. I will be glad to see him later and go to Ottobar.

The workweek crept up too quick, following a fairly busy weekend. Friday evening I went over Nick's after I came home from work, not bothering to stop and get flowers for Buba and Pop for Grandparents' Day on account of it raining (I am stopping by Walmart and then the graves today after work.), took a shower and packed a few things for Saturday. Hung out with Carmin for a bit, while the rain outside increased, until it was torrential. It let up the tiniest bit, so I figured I'd better pounce. It was cozy over there, Nick had the fireplace going, "for ambiance," he said, and we ordered Chinese food, and then lost ourselves in television and me dozing on the couch, till we finally got ourselves in gear to go out. Went to Hampden, Nick drove, which was nice. Met up with Christina, Rob and Joe at Rocket (really not crazy about that palce). I had a vodka and diet (after they made a vodka and TONIC, I guess I can see where one sounds like the other in a noisy bar, but come on.), followed that with two espresso martinis (very good, but they should have been for the fucking price--- $7 a piece!!). But they served their desired purpose and I spent the majority of the evening in a lovely sort of bliss, which continued through the evening till we finally fell asleep. Slept in on Saturday. Drove all the way to the Renaissance Festival (after some of the usual hurdles getting on the road) to meet Christina, only to have her say she wasn't going (which was better, since I wanted to go on Sunday when my Mom was going.), so we met her at Annapolis Mall and walked around, got some dinner at Red Robin, before Nick and I headed to D.C. to see Paul Weller. Let me just say, I know very little of his solo stuff, and that was painfully evident at this show. While a lot of it wasn't bad, some of it was slow and pretentious (everytime he took a seat at that piano, I cringed with dread), and while his banter in between revealed him to be, in all likelihood, a charming and down-to-earth bloke, there were elements of dying-a-slow-death for a good deal of the evening (since he wasn't playing Jam songs.). In the end, he played The Butterfly Collector and another older song (either Jam or Style Council) that I recognised faintly, and a couple of covers (The Who's Magic Bus and The Beatles' All You Need Is Love). But it was all worth it for the encore of A Town Called Malice!! I rocked the fuck out and it was awesome. Oh, well, atleast now I can say I've seen Paul Weller. I was so tired driving home, I didn't think we'd ever get there, and so glad to pass right out. Slept in, which was lovely, and then I got on Nick's couch when he went to the bathroom, so when he came back, by some incredible feat of sheer willpower, we managed to squish ourselves both onto the sofa, and it was nice since we hadn't gotten to sleep next to eachother all weekend.

Went to The Renaissance Festival, meeting up with Mom and Tony seeing Laurie, as well. It was miserably hot and humid, we sweated buckets and buckets, but it was fun. Nick enjoyed it and Mom bought us lunch. Didn't eat too much, had a couple of beers (well, one cider and a cherry beer). Got to see about half of one Shakespeare Scum (Tag Team Romeo and Juliet). Hope if we go again, I get to see all of their performances. Hung out at the house for a bit, talked to his parents who had just gotten back from Ohio. Went home and got rather a good, long night's sleep. Did, unfortunately, discover that we have a mouse in our house.

So glad that it is Friday, so glad that I made it in here on time today. I was praying so hard, outloud, I was sure I was going to be late, and consequently fired, but somehow, by the grace of God, I punched in at exactly 8. I don't think that I have ever run so fast or so hard in my life, or for such a distance, up a hill, to preform such a feat, really like my life depended on it. I also then thought that I was seriously about to die--- my body is simply not meant for such things. But now it has been about an hour, I have moved my car (whose gas light is on), and the burning in the back of my throat and lungs has disipated.

Stayed over at Nick's last night. He said that I had to make sure he got up for work today, which remarkably, I managed to do. Supposed to be staying over there tonight and tomorrow night now, too, since his parents are away--- even though they took the dogs with them and no one really needs to be there, he says that he needs to watch the house.

Anyways, went over there yesterday and brought my tortolini and broccoli and we made dinner, which was very delicious. Watched Cheap Seats and Kitchen Nightmares (the American one on Fox), then headed down to The Wind-up. Met Rob and Laurie and proceeded to have one vodka and diet and four white Russians (they were very small, and not nearly as good as Club Charles', but they were alright.). I imagine it was because of the big dinner that we had that I was downing my drinks so rapidly and in such volume , yet only felt slightly tipsey by the time we left. Slept on the two couches in the livingroom last night, and after I'd gotten up and dressed, and Nick went to do the same, I crawled back where he was, under the blankets, and it was so warm and cozy. Hope he cleans the stuff off of his bed so we can sleep there tonight. He wants to go to The Renaissance Festival with Christina and Cyntia tomorrow, but it is also Hampden Fest, and then Paul Weller in the evening, and either way, not sure how the weather is going to be. I don't relish the thought of driving in D.C. to go to 9:30, and 9:30 Club is your best case for having to drive in D.C..

I am going to go over to Sheppard Pratt today for lunch to see Nick, he said we'll go to the cafeteria. I think I should walk, even though it will be a ways, because I am on E and want to be able to make it to the gas station. I am nearly completely out of money, and have a lot to take care of after work today. Gas and cigs, returning an ill-fitting jacket to Target and picking up a couple of things, then it is Grandparnets' Day on Sunday, so I have to get flowers at Walmart and then swing by the cemetary.

I will be glad to see Nick for lunch and have the weekend, and while I wouldn't want to go overboard with that sort of thing, it was nice of him to suggest us having lunch together since we are now right across the street from eachother. I really hope I can get myself together and look half-way decent, just as an all-encompassing state of being.

Warning--- Whinging Rant Ahead

Bundled up for work today. So fucking sick and tired of freezing at work everyday for eight hours, so today I am wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt (the green one I got for St. Patrick's Day) and my hoodie--- with the hood up!! My hair's kind of fucked up in the back and on the left side, anyways, sticking out funny from my collar yesterday, so it's no matter. Really annoys me, always being fucking cold. My whole body fucking hurts from tensing up all day. Bullshit.

Yeah, so I'm in a bit of a mood this morning. Angry at myself, I'm absolutely hopeless, completely rubbish, and utterly incapable of sticking with anything. I spent the bulk of yesterday evening grazing in front of television. Well, it wasn't all non-productive. I did get all of those damn dishes (the ones that have been languishing and multiplying since the last time I did dishes) washed, then I sat down with some saltines and red pepper hummus. Next I went upstairs with the intention of actually riding my exercise bike for a bit, which I did, but only for like 5 minutes (fucking lame-core), tried to take a nap, but got phone calls from my Mom and then Josh, who I ended up talking to for an hour and a half. So glad him and his mother are back in Baltimore and that he has a good head on his shoulders. Can't believe that I've know him since he was eleven and he is now twenty-one. Following that, and purely out of boredom and personal defect, I consumed two bowls of Special K, watched Project Runway, before getting ready to turn in for the night, when I got a call from Victor that he wanted to come over and show me the Buick and take me out for a spin. We drove out to Glenarm. It was fun, if slightly terrifying at times--- there are no seatbelts, no springs, no interior padding, and it rattles horribly, but it's amazing to be in a car that is sixty years old that is on its way to being completely restored, and built like a tank. I liked seeing peoples' reaction when we passed by or stopped at traffic lights. When we got back, Carmin was home, so she came out to see it, and thought it was pretty cool. Vic came in and hung out with us for a little bit, before heading home and Carmin and I went to bed.

I realise that there seems to be no way for me to keep on the straight and narrow and make any kind of progress with trying to get my weight back down, and while I am totally not going to speak of it out-loud anymore (especially to Nick), I can't help but be consumed with thinking about it all the time, and not knowing how the fuck to lose it and not have to eat ALL the time--- or if I'm not eating all the time, why the hell I'm not losing anything even when I do behave myself. Really, I am at a loss. I can't see how I am unable to survive without eating for like any length of time, when before I was able to make such strides, now it seems like an utter impossibility. Even when the stuff I am eating is really rather healthy, or atleast I am steering clear of things that are terrible for me, nothing. I feel like I have tried every possible combination and plan of attack, regimen and routine and none of it yeilds any progress or can be adhered to long enough to make an impact. It's bullshit. In the meantime, not only am I back to looking like I did before, I am physically uncomfortable in my own skin, and now I think I am taking on a fucking "pear-shaped" quality, as opposed to simply an hourglass figure. I know not what to do.

I had such high hopes and such resolve for this week, as I have so many times in the past, to stick to a really strict, structured diet, like two 100 Calorie English Muffins with Country Crock a day, or nothing but produce (cucumbers and peppers, salad). I don't know how I keep falling so far from where I intend to be. It's the story of my fucking life. Why do I keep falling into this pattern, now of my own accord? This week it hasn't even been a matter of being put in situations beyond my control (going out to eat with Mom or Nick or Carm or something), but on my own, of my own volition and sucumbing to temptation. Hanging out in the house, coming home from work and wanting to enjoy a dinner of crackers and hummus or cereal or English Muffin, when I get home or before I go out, or yesterday, purely out of boredom both times, not even from actual HUNGER. So if I can't behave myself on my own, what am I supposed to do when I am with people? Tonight, I am making dinner for Nick--- which I am so excited to do, going to do the tortolini and make some steamed broccoli with it.

I want my skinny self back, dammit.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Very few hours of sleep, hope Nick was able to get up and get going for work. He isn't seasoned in this fine art of staying up till 3 and getting up at 7. I am fantasizing about getting to go home and go right to bed after work--- Carmin is closing and the only thing to be up for later on is Project Runway and if Victor comes over to show me the Buick since it's up and running now. Otherwise, it's a whole lot of sleeping. Last night was fun, although we couldn't assemble any troops. Rob said he was broke, which meant no Angel coming out, Laurie had to close and then be back at 7, Victor was supposed to come out, but said that he was broke, too, so consequently no Kyle or Kristy. It was packed upstairs since there was a punk show downstairs, so one had to mind they didn't get their eye poked out by mohawk spikes or studded leather jackets (yeah, it was those kinds of punks. Actually, there was a cross-section, definately the good, the bad, and the ugly haha. There were some skins there, too.) Anyways, for a good while upstairs, on account of the crowd, they were playing mostly punk, but it was good, lots of older stuff, and British mostly (Buzzcocks, The Clash, Stiff Little Fingers--- well, they're Irish, and then some Specials, Toots and The Maytals, Social Distortion), and then, once the headliner came on downstairs, and the place cleared out a bit, and it was the regular Tuesday crowd more or less, they started playing more typical music, Smiths, Pulp, Blur, Joy Division and New Order, Black Kids. Ran into some Goucher people, danced a bit, dodging pool cues, till the bastards finally gave up. Spoke to Craiggers, got fairly drunk early on. We stopped at Subway on the way home, on account, mainly of Nick having taken a nap when he got home from his first day in the classroom, and slept through dinner, so all he'd had was a hotdog for lunch.

I had two bowls of Special K for dinner, then followed that up about fifteen minutes later with some cheese and saltines (which I really should have done without, I guess), then the Subway.

There was a Farley sighting last night at Ottobar, remarkably. We simply said hello to eachother. I was surprised to see them, since they never seem to go out now. Anyways, it was weird, it feels like it never even happened.

We stayed till close, even though I told Nick that we could leave whenever he wanted, I guess that's when he wanted to leave haha, stopped at Subway, then made up for some lost time, rearranged the funiture, and after all that, spent another good half an hour atleast just mucking about, wrestling and terrorising eachother. I look and feel rather like I went through a war, but I also have a stupid grin on my face, both part of the evening's festivities. His parents are taking the dogs to Ohio with them this weekend, so we don't HAVE to stay at his parents' and we can go to Philly for Restaurant Week on Sunday. It's almost a shame that we have those Paul Weller tickets, because otherwise we could have gotten a hotel and gorged ourselves all weekend on fine Philly fare, but I'm glad to get to try for one day atleast. I guess I'll make reservations today for Amada, the tapas place.

Make It Rain

Felt pretty good with yesterday's consumption. Two 100 Calorie English Muffins, one with butter and one with two slices of block cheddar. Technically, I followed that up with two pieces of saltwater taffy and a roll of Spree's candy, but I can't imagine that that had too much of an impact. I'm glad I stopped when I did, because I usually keep eating because I initally feel starving and get on a roll, as it were, and end up feeling bloated and regretful. I really need to pause after eating an appointed amount (in this case the two English Muffins, or ideally, next time, one English Muffin.), because then I would see that I'm not really hungry anymore and would save myself gorging. I do think that those 100 Calorie English Muffins are slightly sweet, almost like they were wheat bread, and I do think I prefer the regular ones, and honestly, those I believe only have 120 calories, so they're pretty good for you either way. I should like to limit myself this week to English Muffins, and saltines and red pepper hummus. Felt good about not stopping at Subway on the way home last night from Club Charles. That was fun, a very eventful night at Club Charles. The bar had seemed to have been invaded by very dirty, unkempt weirdos--- a.k.a. MICA kids (from New York, or Baltimore sell-outs who have adopted that misguided idea that looking dirty equals being cool or artistic.). Jamie complained that they weren't tipping, after paying with $100 bills ("slumming it" I suppose), then one filthy motherfucker came back in, ordered another round of car bombs, actually did leave a tip this time, knocked into me at the bar repeatedly, then stole someone's brand new martini, and when Jamie called him on it and kicked him out, he proceeded to make vulgar and threatening remarks and gestures, so she called the cops. The cops actually picked the guy up about twenty minutes later, based on the description everyone in the bar jumped at the chance to provide, and brought him back to pay for the drinks he stole. What a douche, and then after you make trouble, stay in the general vicinity walking around where you can easily be spotted? Dumbass.

Other than that, tried to be helpful as Nick poured over his benefits package for Sheppard Pratt, trying to decide which healthcare plan to pick and all that. Today will be his first day in the classroom. Part of me wishes I had just sucked it up and taken that job I interviewed for the other month. It was that insurance stuff that put me off, getting authorizations and that. I hate having to do that here, I didn't want to have to do it everyday, but now I kind of wish I had just sucked it up, because it would have been a change atleast. Maybe I'll see if they have any other listings for jobs.

Nick played another Tom Waits album for me in the car last night, Real Gone. Pretty good, some of it. I'm very glad I've gotten introduced to some really awesome stuff of his, although it is definately an aquired taste.

I hope Nick was able to get up this morning. When we got back and he was leaving, mention was made of me saying it first sometime, which I certainly have no opposition to. Looking forward to going to Two For Tuesdays tonight.

Oh, My Darlin'

Got to work super-early today, after having to stop for gas this morning, so I sat at my desk and read till it was time to punch in. It is nice to not have to rush. I have to post my bills and get stamps today.

The weekend was good, if too short. Friday evening we went up to Jacksonville, basically watched Phoebe and Mikey play a Narnia video game for a couple of hours, it was raining for a while, so I avoided going out with the bonfire and the mud. My migraine started coming back, mainly I think because there was a bare lightbulb directly in front of my line of vision, on top of the television. Eventually, it got so bad, I had to tell Nick that I had to leave. He was fine about it, which I really appreciated. Whilst driving back in the pitch-blackness, crossing over this really cool old railway bridge almost in Hunt Valley, my migraine started to lessen, so when he heard from Rob that he and Angel and Laurie were at Frazier's, that's where we headed. By the time we got there, Laurie was by herself, since they had left, wasted, and then commensed another rant about the drama, which coinsedentally differed drastically in chain of events and tone when we heard Rob and Angel's version on Saturday night. After Laurie left, Nick and I sat there singing along with the few decent songs we heard (Rebel Yell was memorable) before heading towards home, not before stopping off at Valentino's. We'd been talking about going there for a while now. It was very good. It was nice to get to sleep in and have Nick there. The hurricane was here for a good part of the day, in the form of just really heavy rain and wind. We opted to stay in until it passed, which by the time it let up some, let alone stopped completely, it was close to our reservations at Clementine, so we did virtually nothing all day, save watch television (a mix of Kitchen Nightmares, college football, and SpongeBob Squarepants) and wrestle around terrorising eachother. It would be really funny if someone (Carmin) were to walk through the front door and find us completely tangled up and just looking really peculiar. Anyways, around 5:40, we headed down to Hamilton to go to Clementine. What a fabulous experience that was. First of all, it is just so cool that something positive and nice is in Hamilton, secondly, the food was so good and so fresh, and the prices were unbelievable. Up-scale dining, but so reasonaly priced. I got the second most expensive thing on the menu (rockfish with crabmeat and sweet corn on top, mashed potatoes, and aparagus) and it was only $21! Huge potions, too. The most expensive thing was a steak and that was only $22. I also got a cup of Maryland Crab, that was pretty good. Nick got the macaroni and cheese to start. Not as good as Abacrombie's (which is beyond words--- foodgasm), but delicious still. It came out as this massive brick, like a piece of lasagne, with tomatoes baked inside, enough for a meal in itself (I am contemplating getting it as my meal next time, actually.). For his meal, Nick got the duck, which is something he'd been wanting to try in general. It was done with curry vegetables and a melon salad with mint, cilantro, and ginger (and spicy red peppers, too). He really enjoyed it, but I tried it and didn't care for it at all. The cantelope in the melon salad was incredibly sweet, a real flavour explosion with the ginger and all, but in general, it is not soemthing that appealed to me. Duck is very fatty and I didn't care for the texture. But he was happy and now he can say he likes duck. They serve Baltimore's Zeke's brand coffee, and at only $1.50 a piece with UNLIMITED refills, this place was racking up the points. Even the espresso drinks were $2.75 at the most. We got a brownie for dessert, which was good, but small and really flat, I think we would have done better by getting the yellow cake with chocolate icing and a layer of peanut butter in between, but maybe next time. After all that, and a vanilla cream soda, the bill came to $56.00. Pretty fucking cool. Definately want to take Mom there. They also serve breakfast and lunch, and they are so close to the house, as Nick said, we can just stumble down. After dinner, we came back to the house, where Carmin and Allen were watching a thing about an ice-hotel in Scandenavia, before going out to Checkers. While they were gone, Night of the Hunter came on TCM, which was awesome. Hadn't seen that in a while (since Buba and Pop have been gone), and it is one of Nick's favourites, so that was pretty cool. Went to The Wind-up later on, met Rob and Angel, and since I wasn't driving, proceeded to get very intoxicated. Had a good time. We talked about people's graves we want to visit in various places around the world. Nick stayed at his house so his dad could get him up whatever time they were going to the opening Ravens' game and tailgating beforehand.

Yesterday, I basically bummed around on my own for a good part of the day. Went to the mall, spent money I don't have, although I did find this very flapper-style dress with fringes for $30. Went to Hampden where I wandered around looking in the shops, got a delicious iced mocha from Common Ground, stopped in to see Christian, then came home. I took a nap while Carmin was at her mom's, then got up to write out bills and later we watched these documentaries on VH1 Classic about different movements in Rock. The first one I saw earlier in the evening was about Punk, then her and I watched one on American Alternative (mostly about R.E.M. and Nirvana), and then one on British Indie, which of course, sent me into spasms of delight. They had The Smiths, Oasis, Blur, The Libertines. It was awesome!! I was in my glories, although I would have liked it more had they mentioned more about Pulp and less about The Stone Roses.

Today is Nick's first day at Sheppard Pratt. I hope it goes well. I am not going to mention another word about eating or weight or being fat or anything-- not a word about it will cross my lips anymore. I plan on limiting myself to an English muffin for dinner, unless we go to The Owl Bar with that other gift certificate. I will be glad to see him later and go to Club Charles.

Very glad that it is Friday. Despite it only being a four-day work-week, it seemed to drag on. Took a nap when I got home from work yesterday. Mom came down and we went to Olive Garden, despite my better judgement. I think Mom was trying to cheer me up by suggesting it, so I aquiesced. I already fucked up for the week, although I ended up only getting a very small bowl of penne with marinara and ate mostly salad. Had one breadstick, which I know I could have done without, but, eh. I know what needs to be done, I'm just having trouble making it happen. I know everybody says I looked unhealthy and all when I lost the weight, but I felt really good about myself, I really liked the way I looked for the first time. I do know that I lost rather a lot of my bottom, shall we say, which I would prefer to retain, but just everything adjacent and below. Also, I know that I really need to stop takling about it around Nick, that and the other thing, since I know that I will dive him away eventually if I keep on about it, especially since he has been so emphatic that I am not fat, and that he has no complaints. On the other front, he has said things like not letting anything happen to me. I am very grateful for both of these things, and I know that I need to stop harping on it. I learned a lesson with that sort of thing with Rob.

We went to The Wind-up last night. Nick looked terribly, terribly good--- white oxford, black tie, with the new pin-striped vest, and of course, the fedora. Looked like something out of a gangster picture, or film noir. I really wish I'd know when he was going to wear something like that so I could get a little more dressed up myself. Eh, next time. Wind-up was fun. Didn't run into anybody, but that was alright. Despite eating salad, pasta, and a breadstick, on my second drink (which Russell says he is calling the "Die T.V.", because he writes it out "diet v- for vodka.), started feeling it, had a cig, but because it was my first one for the day (ended up on having two for the day), I got a buzz from that, which in turn made me feel really drunk, and of course when I got back in, Russell had another "DieTV" waiting for me. I drank some water and then was able to finish it and be alright, since it was early still. Nick insisted on our stopping at Subway on the way home. When we got back, before he left, Nick said something again about living there with me and Carmin, and that he'd help with rent, and I really didn't want to get into anything about it. While I love that he would want to do that, and I love his company so much, I know from experience now how it changes a relationship (and with Rob and I, we moved in together after dating nearly two years. I don't know now whether it was too soon or too long or what.), and I wouldn't want it to have any negative affect on this. He said, "You wouldn't want me around all the time?" and I said no, that I love every minute I get to spend with him, and he is welcome to be there anytime he wants, I just hesitate with the making things official aspect of it. I want to make that clear without upsetting him. I want him to know my reasoning.

Anyways, when he was leaving we said it, and he said that I don't always have to whisper it. I didn't realise that I did, it just comes out the way it comes out, very hearfelt, which it is, so the next time he said it, I said it louder, and he said, "There, that's better." There is supposed to be a party at the Franklin Estate tonight, so I hope it does not rain. I will be glad to get out of here and hopefully get my laundry done, and see Nick later.

Feeling not so posi today. Had to come in here at 6:30, but atleast I will get to leave at 3:15. Plan on going home and going right to bed. Didn't go to dinner with Mom yesterday so we are going to go today. She is supposed to pick me up around 5 or so. Just depressed, feel like my body is now damaged and I can't fully enjoy anything knowing this. Still wrestling with the feeling like I am beng punished. Am trying to put things in perspective, but generally feel rubbish.

Managed yesterday to not eat here at work. Took a nice nap when I got home, then ate close to 8. I'm mad at myself now, because I should have just not eaten for the whole damn day, since I didn't go anywhere, didn't drink anything and really wouldn't have needed to eat at all. I don't see how I am ever going to get a handle on this. It just gets worse and worse, the clothes get smaller and smaller.

I watched Project Runway last night with Carmin. Nick texted me when he got out that he'd get to see the first airing of the show and we chatted for a bit. Nick might try to have a guys' night with Rob tonight, although I would like to not have to wait till tomorrow to see him.

Trying today to be more positive, or atleast less doom and gloom. After a morning of near breakdown mainly having to do with some delayed arrival and the news from yesterday, however, came to feel that the stuff that the doctor said yesterday is not as bad as it could be (although it is worse than I'd like--- I would like to have not had anything at all), and it has been found early. All of a sudden, I just felt completely different. Nick has been so terribly sweet and positive (but not in that annoying Farley way). I am seeing that I need to focus on that and carry on with things as I have. I will take those vitamins the doctor recommended and eat good (although, I still want terribly to lose this weight, as well.), and while I know I should cut out smoking all together, I will cut back considerably (I am still not a heavy smoker, that only came with and re-emerges with stress, and guess what all this has been?). Anyways, I am just going to try to not focus on this. That doesn't mean I will ignore it or delude myself, but it occurred to me maybe by being SO fatalistic, maybe that could be deluding myself, too. But you know me, never one to trust in the impossiblity of something less than good.

That said, went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Saw the usual suspects, or a good many of them, atleast. Saw Kristy and Kyle, but no Victor, appearently there is some new Nikki related drama. Sat with Rob, Laurie, and Joe. Matty conveniently forgot about promising to buy us shots for driving him home Sunday night (I love how repsonsible behaviour is rewarded with irresponsible behaviour haha). The funny thing is that for a good part of the evening, or at various intervals, Nick and I found ourselves removed from conversation, just talking to eachother or making out, or singing. We danced some, it was rather a lot of fun.

I am supposed to be meeting Mom after work for dinner. Have held off eating till then, despite the fact that I went to conference today, AND there is another going away party in my department with all kinds of food and cake. That in itself is kind of a victory. I did, however, eat all this cheese and and English muffin and crackers yesterday when I got home from work, and then a little more when I got back from the bar (regretted it, of course, I do the most senseless things and not even because I really want it.). Surprisingly, the not going to Starbucks everyday and eating a good amount of cheese has actually made my digestive system seem considerably better, so I definately feel good about making coffee drinks a treat rather than an everyday thing.

Back to work today. No posts since Thursday, since I haven't been in this lovely place since then. I hope I can remember everything now, and that things don't blur together and become too indistinguishable. Thursday after work, I got a text from Nick saying that it looked like it would be him and I going to the Ravens' game that night, since no one else was available. We went to that (it drizzled part of the time which wasn't very much fun), left during the third quarter, took the train back to the North Avenue station where the car was, and hit The Wind-up. Had texted Victor to see if he wanted to come out, when we got there we found that he and Kristy were coming from the Ravens' game, too. Laurie met us later and we had a rather a nice time. Friday, I slept in till like 2 in the afternoon, getting up and dressed, then heading over to his. We had planned to go to the fair, but the weather was miserable, raining off and on all day, so we ordered Papa John's and read before deciding to go see Hamlet 2 again--- second time in three days. Went for a nice white Russian at Club Charles following, before winding up at The Wind-up (imagine that). There was a jazz quartet playing at Wind-up, which made Nick pretty happy since he is an afficianado. Headed home and slept in. It was so good to get to sleep next to him. Saturday we were able to go to the fair, which was over-priced, but ultimately I had fun. When I had gotten in a mood (which I really hate doing), he was so sweet to get tickets for a fun house that had one of those spinning tunnels, where I immediately fell down and the carnie had to shut it off for me to crawl my way out (getting sympathy from a carnie is no small feat.). It was hilarious. I was mildly embarrassed, but we were laughing so hard, I didn't really mind. "There's that smile," Nick said.

We walked around some more, finding really awesome food places where we should have gotten food at to begin with, but eh. Got some grilled corn--- boy, was that good. So fresh and sweet. This is definately the time for Maryland corn. Then we went on our second ride, the giant slides. I have always liked those, although as I got higher and higher on those rickety, dinky, little metal stairs, up as high as the metal swings, just how high I was registered, and I started to feel paralyzed, but realized I had to keep moving to hurry up and get to the top. I'm glad that we are both scared of heights. Once up there, we sat on our burlap bags and the guy asked if we wanted to go together, so we did. It unfortunately only lasted seconds, but I had so much fun. It was awesome. I wished it wasn't so damn expensive, I would have gone again and again. But the once was fine, we were laughing and he kept commenting that I had the biggest damn smile that still hadn't left my face. Had reservations at Bicycle, which was delicious. Absolutely wonderful. Had salmon, perfectly done, just how I'd been craving it, and the waitress was good enough to let me substitute garlic mashed potatoes for the side. Had a baby greens salad to begin, Nick got the ribeye (raw--- er, rare, of course), with the fingerling potatoes and asparagus. The desserts were fabulous--- s'more creme bruele and chocolate hazelnut ice cream. We had wine and it was a wonderful, wonderful dinner. We tried to get people together afterwards, but Rob and Angel were on the island, and everyone else said they'd see us on Sunday. So we hit Brewer's for a beer (sat in the upstairs for the first time--- what a magnificent place), then Club Charles, then Wind-up, then Club Charles, then Wind-up again, having run into a couple people who bought Nick drinks for his birthday, which, as of midnight, it technically was.

Sunday was pretty lazy till we went to dinner with his parents, Rob, and Christina at Abacrombie. I gave him the tie I got him, which he was thrilled with. That made me happy. Dinner was very good, got them to make the macaroni and cheese since we know the executive chef. Left feeling huge, but it was very good. Later met Rob, Angel, and Laurie at Club Charles. It was a lot of fun, and I find more and more how much I enjoy his company. Yesterday was a very lazy day, doing nothing except sleeping in, ordering pizza, and watching several episodes of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. He came back down later and we went to Club Charles. Didn't run into anybody, but it was fine because we had some lovely conversation and making out. Throughout the weekend there was a good deal of listening to Sinatra (Sunday, Nick wore out his full suit that he got last week, my God, did he look gorgeous. Terribly dapper and criminally handsome, as always. He looked spot-on like a gangster from the 30's, and some random stranger said the same thing while we were out.) So, yeah, driving along, him dressed like that singing with Frank (terrribly good voice, too.) Lovely time. Last night he kept saying how it was so random that we met, and that we are perfect for eachother. I love him so much. It is something I am so thankful for and want more than anything.

Now more sobering things to report. I got a call from the doctor. That biopsy revealed pre-cancerous cells. It may go away by next year's test, if it gets worse, something will have to be done. I'm rather a basketcase at the moment. She says I should quit smoking and take good care of myself with eating. Of course the thing I want right now is a cigarette, and will probably succumb, my nerves are so shot. I have been crying and everybody keeps saying I will be alright, but they keep saying that and things keep getting worse. I have been not worrying like people for so long have been telling me, and actually enjoying myself, I've been so happy, and I feel like I am being punished. Everything I do is wrong. The way I was, things fell apart as a result, now the way I am, something bad has happened. What is the right answer? I never enjoyed things before, now that I do, something happens. The Catholic guilt is coming back, and I don't know what to do. I have been so happy.