I really want a new job. At this point I don't care who I hear from (within reason), so long as it's closer than Woodlawn (shame about that American job). I punched in at 7:59 this morning--- I don't know why I can't find a way without traffic from Nick's in the morning. Went over there yesterday after I came home, took a shower, and got some stuff together. Of course, I ended up wearing the same thing I put on last night to work today, only cords instead of jeans, so I will still probably stop by my house after work before heading back over. Just stayed pretty down-tempo last night. After some debate, ended up ordering Papa John's, which was good, and there are left-overs plus a whole untouched order of cheesybread that we can have tonight with the tortolini. I do recognise that this whole week, even after the hitting of rock bottom that I thought I did last week, I have been on a fucking bender since Sunday and it is no fucking good. I cannot for the life of me take on any positive or healthy habits. I only have willpower to stick with or apply myself for the bad ones. I have been gorging myself basically out of anger and apathy at this work situation, and feeling like I have already fucked up so badly, what difference does it make? I know that I am compounding what was already a problem, and today, I actually feel disgusted by the thought of eating, as though I've physically done enough of it to last me a good while. Everytime I think I have bad habits or am spiraling out of control, a little while later on I get so much worse, and when I look back, that seems positively reasonable and managable. There hasn't even been any attempt on my part though this week, I've been throwing myself headlong into it, with anger and spite and willfullness, and I know it's very bad. I'm coming off it today though, for as much difference as it makes. Nothing till Nick and I have dinner later, and tomorrow nothing till dinner either. I think it is because of stress. Last year, I smoked a lot more, presently, I can't step out of this prison like I used to and not smoking in the house, I guess I've taken to eating. Don't know which is worse.

The pizza and cheesybread were wonderful last night, we watched Jepardy and Myth Busters before Project Runway came on, then like right after 10, I fell right to sleep. Felt like an old lady, said this morning sorry I did, will try to stay up tonight. Woke up this morning, fed the dogs, walked them, then woke Nick up and sat with him for a bit. He gave me a key to the house, even though he will probably be there by the time I get out there today.

Don't know what I am going to do, I want out of here so badly. It's really fucking with my mind now. Wish I could go to Starbucks, all this gratuitous eating is fucking with my digestive system, too. Too Much Information, I know, I know. Atleast it is Thursday and I am already here and a couple of hours are past. Maybe if they have that shitty Chinese food at conference I can take my own lunchbreak when I come back and go to Starbucks, if I say I never got to eat? 4:30 can't come soon enough. I will be glad to see Nick later and have some fun.