Bundled up for work today. So fucking sick and tired of freezing at work everyday for eight hours, so today I am wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt (the green one I got for St. Patrick's Day) and my hoodie--- with the hood up!! My hair's kind of fucked up in the back and on the left side, anyways, sticking out funny from my collar yesterday, so it's no matter. Really annoys me, always being fucking cold. My whole body fucking hurts from tensing up all day. Bullshit.
Yeah, so I'm in a bit of a mood this morning. Angry at myself, I'm absolutely hopeless, completely rubbish, and utterly incapable of sticking with anything. I spent the bulk of yesterday evening grazing in front of television. Well, it wasn't all non-productive. I did get all of those damn dishes (the ones that have been languishing and multiplying since the last time I did dishes) washed, then I sat down with some saltines and red pepper hummus. Next I went upstairs with the intention of actually riding my exercise bike for a bit, which I did, but only for like 5 minutes (fucking lame-core), tried to take a nap, but got phone calls from my Mom and then Josh, who I ended up talking to for an hour and a half. So glad him and his mother are back in Baltimore and that he has a good head on his shoulders. Can't believe that I've know him since he was eleven and he is now twenty-one. Following that, and purely out of boredom and personal defect, I consumed two bowls of Special K, watched Project Runway, before getting ready to turn in for the night, when I got a call from Victor that he wanted to come over and show me the Buick and take me out for a spin. We drove out to Glenarm. It was fun, if slightly terrifying at times--- there are no seatbelts, no springs, no interior padding, and it rattles horribly, but it's amazing to be in a car that is sixty years old that is on its way to being completely restored, and built like a tank. I liked seeing peoples' reaction when we passed by or stopped at traffic lights. When we got back, Carmin was home, so she came out to see it, and thought it was pretty cool. Vic came in and hung out with us for a little bit, before heading home and Carmin and I went to bed.
I realise that there seems to be no way for me to keep on the straight and narrow and make any kind of progress with trying to get my weight back down, and while I am totally not going to speak of it out-loud anymore (especially to Nick), I can't help but be consumed with thinking about it all the time, and not knowing how the fuck to lose it and not have to eat ALL the time--- or if I'm not eating all the time, why the hell I'm not losing anything even when I do behave myself. Really, I am at a loss. I can't see how I am unable to survive without eating for like any length of time, when before I was able to make such strides, now it seems like an utter impossibility. Even when the stuff I am eating is really rather healthy, or atleast I am steering clear of things that are terrible for me, nothing. I feel like I have tried every possible combination and plan of attack, regimen and routine and none of it yeilds any progress or can be adhered to long enough to make an impact. It's bullshit. In the meantime, not only am I back to looking like I did before, I am physically uncomfortable in my own skin, and now I think I am taking on a fucking "pear-shaped" quality, as opposed to simply an hourglass figure. I know not what to do.
I had such high hopes and such resolve for this week, as I have so many times in the past, to stick to a really strict, structured diet, like two 100 Calorie English Muffins with Country Crock a day, or nothing but produce (cucumbers and peppers, salad). I don't know how I keep falling so far from where I intend to be. It's the story of my fucking life. Why do I keep falling into this pattern, now of my own accord? This week it hasn't even been a matter of being put in situations beyond my control (going out to eat with Mom or Nick or Carm or something), but on my own, of my own volition and sucumbing to temptation. Hanging out in the house, coming home from work and wanting to enjoy a dinner of crackers and hummus or cereal or English Muffin, when I get home or before I go out, or yesterday, purely out of boredom both times, not even from actual HUNGER. So if I can't behave myself on my own, what am I supposed to do when I am with people? Tonight, I am making dinner for Nick--- which I am so excited to do, going to do the tortolini and make some steamed broccoli with it.
I want my skinny self back, dammit.
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