I keep thinking that's it, I can't possibly sink any lower, any more desperate, hopeless, out of control with my gaining weight and failed attempts at losing it than I have, and yet, somehow, I keep finding a way. Each new week, I begin with such resolve and with a semingly fail-safe plan to make this shit happen, only to have it fall apart or me fuck something up, and we go back to simply compounding the problem. This week is no exception. Usually, atleast, I get through Tuesday staying on track, and it is usually around Wednesday that things start to go a-rye (usually something having to do with that bloody conference), however, this week, I couldn't even manage that. I fell slightly short the mark on Monday, but it was alright (had that granola bar first, then salad), but yesterday is when I really lost it. First of all, I ate breakfast, which I never do, but I wanted oatmeal, which is supposed to be good for losing weight, fiber, lowering cholesterol, and just tastes good, so even though I wasn't hungry, I got some oatmeal in the cafeteria and a V8 (which I have always been fond of, though haven't had in a while, and is also supposed to be so good for you.) So these sounded like winning things, even if they were superfluous (seeing as how I wasn't feeling hungry). Well, either my body was so shocked at eating so early or the residual affects of Club Charles, or the combination of oatmeal and tomato juice, or a little of all three, but I suddenly and progressively felt like I was going to die. I felt weak and dizzy and shakey and like I was going to pass out. Of course, I don't have the luxury of actually going home when I am sick, so I took my lunchbreak and slept in my car for an hour. I awoke feeling 100% better, completely normal, like the whole thing never happened. When I went back in, the damn rep had brought pizza for the Interventional Department, and I had two slices (honestly, it wasn't even good pizza). What makes it so bad, is that I wasn't even hungry, I just cannot help myself. I have been reading about eating disorders (mainly to find out how the hell those anorexic kids do it--- where do they get their willpower, and how can I get in on that--- ok, not really, but you know what I mean.), and about compulsive eating, and how it's the same behaviours as drug addiction and damn if I don't see it. Also, with my Mom getting treatment now for her depression and anxiety and having put all of her weight back on, and it consequently fucking with her knees and fibromyalgia, really seeing that we really have some addiction behaviours. What I don't fucking get, is how I was able to simply not eat, or just not eat much, for all those months, with no problem last year, and while I in no way would ever wish for the same sort of circumstances to make such a thing again possible, I'm just trying to remember how I was able to lose that twenty pounds. Now it seems so far-gone and fantastic and unattainable. I feel like I don't want to leave the house. I feel like I can't trust myself. Last night marked a bit of a low for me. After we came back from Ottobar, and Nick left, I proceeded to eat four slices of block cheddar and probably 10 saltines, in a kind of frenzy on the couch, half drunk. Atleast I stopped when I did, I could have kept going. I was somewhat hungry, since all I had had was salad for dinner, and this was several hours later, but it is so much better to go to bed on an empty stomach, and so self-defeating to eat and go straight to bed. I almost didn't remember it this morning. I guess because I'd already fucked up yesterday, I figured why not. This is the fucking attitude that I keep having and things keep getting worse and more out of control.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut about it around Nick though, for the most part. We went to Ottobar last night. Victor was there and he brought the Buick, but Nick didn't see it yet, hopefully Friday Victor will have it out (it is his and Joe Red's B-day coming up and that is the night we will probably do something for the occasion.) so that Nick can look like he stepped out of a Dashell Hammett novel (he's from Bawlmer, you know.). We got tickets to see Black Kids at Fletcher's from Craigger's last night for free, which was so nice of him. It is also the premiere of the new season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which I know I will miss, but I hope to see it rerun soon. Also need to get Season 3 on DVD.

I know that in a half an hour I will be going over there to conference, and there will be food, and at the moment my stomach is in fact growling, and I really don't want to cave in. I know that I need to fast atleast initially to get the ball rolling, to make some sort of leadway, and then I am confident I will be able to maintain it.