Went to Red Lobster with Tia last night. Had NOTHING all day, but that mocha (crashed from it and all, but persevered), then at Red Lobster had salmon, a baked potato, Caesar salad, and I think three Cheedar Bay Biscuits. That was it for the whole day. Oh, a Coke Zero that night.

Carm ended up deciding she didn't feel like going out to that show which she bought tickets to for us, so that was pretty odd. It made me feel like if I would have known that, maybe I WOULD have liked to have hung out with Tony, if he were available. I don't know. She gets in these moods. She wasn't mad or anything. We ended up watching Law and Orders and joking around, she just didn't want to go out. It's a mystery. Nick texted me and we chatted for a bit.

Today, I planned on just getting a coffee on lunch (and going to buy a scale at Target), since I hadn't heard back from Jen about going to lunch today. Then, at like 11:30, she calls me, so I had to go to the mall. I don't plan on drinking much at all tonight, if we do end up going out, on account of last week and the life lessons handed down from that experience.

Tomorrow, I need to pay the rent, maybe get flowers for Pop's B-day whilst at Walmart getting the money order, and maybe go to the Good Will. I'm not sure. I'm going to go through the rest of those clothes, and pack that stuff up.

Sleep The Clock Around

Well, we're making a little bit of progress, I suppose. I ate less yesterday than Monday, and today I intend to eat less than yesterday and so on. What I ended up having for dinner was a Lean Cuisine Cheese Pizza and two bowls of Grape Nuts Trail Mix. I would feel better had it ended up being one bowl of cereal, but, again, it was only cereal as opposed to Cheeze-its or Goldfish or something else.

Nick was there last night, as well. Wearing the trilby again, terribly good-looking boy. Sat with him for a bit, then his friends came in and I spent a little time outside smoking and sitting at the bar, then he came over and chatted with me some more. Managed to leave around 11:30, not at all intoxicated, and was able to get to bed a little after 12.

I'd like to go to Friends, just to do my duty seeing Gilbert spin records, not really drink anything (too bloody expensive besides. Fucking rail drink specials of $4!!), just make an appearence like, but Project Runway is on tonight, and it's right before Fashion Week and the final challenge. Funny thing is I had a nice little conversation with Nick last night about Project Runway. He bookended all statements with assertions that he, is, in fact, straight, despite following Project Runway haha.

Discipline

I really want my exercise bike at my apartment. I want to start some sort of regime. As much as I loathe the whole exercise-culture, there is part of me, having lost weight and now being in danger of gaining it back, but I feel like I really want to adopt some sort of program for ensuring that I keep this weight off (since it was the only time in my life when I've honestly loved the way I look. It's been the only good thing to come out of Rob and I separating, and it has made me define myself differently, more positively.). Of course there's the whole need for structure and a sense of purpose that I'm always going on about, as well.

I hope once the weather becomes nicer and I am able to take a proper lunch again like I used to, I will be able to get back into the routine of getting a coffee on my lunch. Having nothing till then, and then maybe something nice for dinner. See, I just need a routine to get in. This going for coffee every morning isn't cutting it. Also, I should probably cut down on it in general, for dehydration reasons, and definately get back to drinking decaf for the most part.

I would also like to develop some sort of plan for what I consume at home. Lots of cereal (Special K varieites, Honey Nut Cherrios, Raisin Bran, but the unsugared kind, maybe some Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Trail Mix), Special K Cereal Bars, Raisins, English Muffins, those Lean Cuisine Pizzas or the Safeway ones that are low in fat and calories and high in protein. Cut out the regular soda at all times, even in the mixed drinks. Just remember to say Diet. I need to drink more water, I know, for good skin, as well. I really like Vitamin Waters, but they have far more calories than you would think.

One thing that is really hard for me is things like Goldfish or Cheeze-its that don't come doled out in portions. I will sit and keep eating and eating. I know they have those little packets, but not in the flavours I like really.

So starting today, I have had a Grande Mocha Frap (no whip, of course) and a Special K ceral bar (90 calories). I plan on having nothing else until dinner, which I intend to be something quite healthy and not at all gluttonous.

Feast Or Famine

Nick, the kid with the trilby from the other night, did in fact call me as he said he would, on Saturday, to go to Club Charles, but I declined, on account of not wanting to make a bigger mess, morally or otherwise for myself. Also, after Friday, the last thing I needed or wanted to do was go out drinking. So I said another time, and that I'd talk to him this week. Can't believe he actually called. The people I hope will call me from going out never do, it's usually the one's I'm sorry I gave my real number to that call the next day and multiple times, so this was pretty neat.

I just got off the phone a little while ago with Rob. He called to catch up and to tell me that Jon and Kallen, our friends and the only couple we ever thought came close to equalling how awesome we were, our only possible competition in making it work, has broken up, for much of the same reasons as we did (as Rob ended it, I should say, because it was not my doing or preference). The whole thing about just becoming like best friends without hardly any physical intimacy anymore. They had been together about the same time as we had now,were engaged, and lived together. I said, "maybe that's just what happens eventually, and it happens sooner for some people." It doesn't make sense to throw it away, but I didn't say that part. I also wanted to say, what the fuck do you think is going to happen, that you are always going to want to tear eachother's clothes off every second of every day for forty years? I also still believe that with us, it was a shitty phase that would have passed. I don't know why he told me that. He's not even supposed to know, and I'm definately not supposed to know. We both said we still believe that if we couldn't make it nobody else stands a fucking chance, and it sure seems that way now. It was hard in parts, and everytime we talk, and especially tonight, it was just like opening old wounds, reminding me what we had, what qualities we still possess and are having to do without.

I met a kid called Nick, who is actually Don Scott's son (although he is appearently trying to live down the local celebrity's child thing), wearing a trilby. Terribly good looking and we talked a great deal about music and Morrissey, which was awesome. He asked for my number. All of this made me feel better about myself, but I felt like shit this morning and had to leave work early. I slept from 10 am to 5:30 pm. I hope I don't get in too much trouble at work tomorrow.

This Is A Low

I would rather be anyplace other than in work right now. I was off on Friday, and came in today to a hell of a mess, and all of the normal headaches, as well. Ofcourse, I should probably be grateful to have a job, and I do hope that I retain it, however, I do feel rather at the end of my rope for the most part. That is why I am stopping for a minute to write this.

In general, I'm feeling quite down. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel depressed in general. I feel like I am going to miss Pittsburgh, but even though it's not for two weeks that he leaves, I kind of feel like he's already gone, and I also kind of lament the fact that I can see the limitations of whatever our relationship could ever be. I think I see the limitations of any relationship I will ever have from here on out. I do feel like anything else for the rest of my life will be a form of settling. Carm says I don't know that, and someday what seems like it could never be topped or equalled will be, but as it stands right now, I'm not terribly convinced.

I started this post on Monday, got busy, and never got back to it. It's now Tuesday. I'm going to go to Two For Tuesday's tonight. I plan on going to see Gilbert spin at Friends tomorrow, and Thursday I'm supposed to hang out with Tony from the record store.

I did not see Jim on Sunday. Thought I would, but he ended up being too busy, so I went out on my own, because I had gotten ready thinking we would hang out later, and I looked too cute to stay home. But it was kind of lonely, still. We had a nice time out Friday. It's like once we get together, everything flows very well, but it's the pulling teeth of getting it to come to fuition. Nothing mentioned about Valentine's Day. Not a word, which kind of sucked. Again, I guess it's just beyond his scope of interest or make-up. But that being said, and the fact that he's off for Florida in two weeks, I definately am glad to have not done anything more. I spoke to him last night for a bit. I wonder if he figures it makes sense to just jump off now that he's about to be going, and he can see he's not getting anywhere else. Really, nothing would surprise me.

I just kind of feel at a loss. I feel like I'm treading water again. I wish I could clone myself in boy-form. That's really what I want. Someone just like me, who likes the same things and knows the same things, that I don't have to explain things to or have them be uninterested. Then, of course, there's the whole thing about none of it meaning anything at all, all of the shared interests, the kindred spirits, the special signifigant exchanges that are you and theirs alone, it's all the same, random and mundane, that whole thing about the script staying the same and the cast simply rotating.

I'm grateful, still. I am keeping it in mind, that I have my heart set on nothing, that I am aware of the limitations, and that it has been fun while it lasted, and take it from there.

The weather has been shitty since yesterday. An ice storm has covered every surface in a frigid, treacherous glaze. I had planned to go to Ottobar last night, for Two For Tuesday's, I even had Carm convinced and excited to go. What do you know, it started raining, and the rain froze, it kept raining, and the rain kept freezing, or it was frozen rain to begin with, whatever, the night was shot. It took us till 9 just to get home from dinner, and the parking lot especially was icy. It's a shame because I was looking forward to going to the Ottobar again.

I was supposed to get my hair cut yesterday, but that has been postponed till today. Need to look awesome for the karaoke tomorrow. I am nervous and haven't really decided what song, or songs, I'm going to sing. Talked to Bill last night. Must remember to give him a ring this evening, as promised when I had to get off abruptly when Pittsburgh called.

Rob called me last night to ask about some job history stuff from when we worked at The Gap together. It was when me and Carm's food had just come, so we didn't talk long. It was funny, because we had just been talking about him, since he'd dropped in on Carm at the bookstore yesterday.

I had planned to make an appearence at the school tonight, but now that I am getting my hair cut, that's not happening. I also have to drop off my tax stuff and car insurance payment afterwards, providing the weather is better. I will take the stance that I have taken off all this week and will get into the accumulating of hours next week. I deserve a bit of an uninterrupted evening vacation.

It would be so easy for me to never go back there for those hours. Very tempting, and I have to resist.

I really had a very good time at Reaction Friday night. There were so many just friendly people, and the vibe was really nice. I only wish I had danced more, and that the floor had not been sticky, which really impaired my ability to dance freely. I will totally go next month, as well.

Today got started very early. It's only 9, but I've been up since 5:30.

Friday night I had a really good time at Reaction. I wish he could have come, I think he may have liked it. I stayed till it was over, talked to some cool people, danced, had a good time. Funnily enough, Rob and I were texting about scene-douches (various people we know from going out who really try too hard), and he mentioned this guy, Gilbert, who at that moment was like two feet away from me. The bartender at The Sidebar, Matty, is the most precious and adorable creature in the world. He is short and wirey and looks like Carl Barat in the face. He was terribly nice to give me all my sodas that night for free, and I was sure to tip him. There was this very young kid who was talking to me and asked for my number. I obliged, only because I didn't want to be mean, and it's still flattering, right? He has called me twice already. I didn't call him back last night. I don't want to be rude, but I'm not interested. On the other hand, that bartender...

I know on Valentine's Day, I am going to Smiths/Morrissey karaoke (with a live backing band!! I'm nervous!!).

On Saturday, I met Steve and Rainey at the Baltimore Tattoo Convention. That was pretty cool. Later that night, Rob texted me about being there, and I'm sure it surprised him when I texted back that I'd been there all day. I texted him last night that I love the way him and I text or tell eachother things we know the other would appreciate, and that actually it breaks my heart.

Now I have a bit of a headache and the feeling of being a little drunk still, as well. So I'm not sure if I have a hangover or if I am still a wee bit drunk. I have a mocha here, and then I'm going to have some water. Have to hydrate. I get to leave at 2 or 2:30 today to go to the dentist. I totally fell short the mark on my flossing and stuff since the last time I went. I am going to make the arrangements to get my wisdom teeth pulled next. That is scary and is going to suck. I will need to take a week off of work and it will be in no way a vacation. I want to get the full sedation. Insurance probably won't cover that. I definately want fucking drugs afterwards, too.

All At Sea

Time for the Friday count-down. This day is going incredibly slow. It's only 10:30 but feels like it should be atleast lunchtime if not later. I'm still feeling incredibly fat. Don't know what else to do. Going to go for a venti quad iced mocha on lunch. I don't get venti's on anything except iced teas at Starbucks, but it may be necessary.

So I have not heard from Pittsburgh since he finally texted a response to my "Have a good trip" text from Sunday night. This was Monday when I was driving home from school. He said, "Thanks, the weather here is perfect." I also then told him my final grade, 85%, to which he said congratulations. Since then, I have not heard from him, which is typical, however, as I said in the last post, I was not going to call him, I was going to wait for him to call me. Ofcourse, now that it is Friday, and especially because Carm and Allen will be in Philly this weekend, I do not want to not have somewhere to go. He's only here for another few weeks anyways, then he'll be gone for two months. That can be argued either way.

I'm so mad, because I have been loving the way I look for like the first time ever, since everything had happened in September, and it was the only good thing about any of it. I really don't want to give that up.

I haven't had anything to drink since last Saturday.

This Is Getting Old

I think it may be time, yet again, for a change. Some fine-tuning or modifying. I'm very unsatisfied, and really, I just intend to be indifferent. Let's get on with it.

Friday night Carm and I went to Holy's for dinner. I held off calling Pittsburgh, and surprisingly enough, when he got home, he called me. That was nice. We made plans for Saturday to meet once I left the Clash thing. I then proceded to get ridiculously drunk on three Raspberry Gin Fizzes. I spent all of Saturday feeling like shit and thinking I was dying. I was embarassed with myself, even though it was only Carmin who saw me acting silly, and the sick portion of it didn't hit me till mid-day Saturday. I spoke to Pittsburgh that night, and had no recollection of the conversation whatsoever. I do not get black-out drunk, and this filled me with self-loathing. I would never want to (or would I let myself) be so compromised ever again, let alone in any situation other than in my own home by myself, with only Carmin to witness the embarassing details. It took me till 5 o'clock Saturday to get out of bed, weak and dehydrated, having thrown up even the water I'd tried to drink earlier. I managed to sip some Coke Zero and make some mashed potatoes. We went to the Clash Tribute Night at The Sidebar. It wasn't that great till after I left, the bands got better and played all Clash songs. It's a shame I didn't stick around, but I left around 10 to meet Pittsburgh and go out with him.

It was a little awkward, but mainly just sad and strange seeing Rob and my replacement. I suspect he's gotten orders because it wasn't till she went to the bar, that we made eye contact and waved to eachother. It's just such a sad, sad affair. I feel like I am watching a movie, like it's somebody else's life playing out in front of me.

I'm glad I just hung out and had a nice, lazy afternoon and evening with Carmin yesterday, instead of going out. We listened to records while I got my laundry done, then we went to Noodles for dinner, followed by Starbucks and Target. We then settled in for a night of Law and Order and burning copies of eachother's cd's. It was nice to hang out and just take it easy.

Tonight I take the big final exam for class. After this, I just have to go, at my leisure, to make up my sixty hours, and that is it. Of course, I will need to take the fucking National and State Exams (and pay out the ass), but I'm not terribly concerned about that, since I will be able to come home after work!! I can eat dinner like a normal person, and go to Two For Tuesdays, and do laundry, and not have to cram everything (errands, chores, partying, seeing family, everything) into the weekend. Now I just have to hope I pass this test tonight.

This Alcohol Isn't Going To Drink Itself

Well, it is Friday, yet again. I was hoping to go to the Automatic Dance Party at Ottobar tonight. I was hoping to take Jim, to something of mine, the same monthly themed function that we randomly met at in December. Unfortunately, he's got to work again tomorrow, so he can't be out late, and there probably wouldn't be any sense in going at all, since, while I like to get there early for the no cover and dollar drinks till 10:30 deal, the joint doesn't really start jumping till atleast 11 or 11:30, and that's just when he's supposed to be in bed by. So I probably won't hang out with him at all tonight. Allen is sick, so he's not coming down, which means Carm and I can go out, which is definately cool, however, she hates going out now, and I know does not want to go to Automatic (I also don't know if Rob and my replacement may go. I'd rather avoid that). So Carm and I may hang out, but not for super late, since she has to open tomorrow.

I know Carmin doesn't enjoy the whole going out scene anymore. She has to work in the morning, and besides that, she claims to have lost her taste for alcohol, and is, in general, disgusted by the hipsters and people "trying too hard". It kind of makes me feel bad, because I do love going out, and while I don't really care what other people think, in trying to be something other than what I am, I know she is completely self-possessed and doesn't understand why I feel this need to not be at home. I do feel like I need to go out, to be among people and not be lonely. I am aware, atleast, of these things, and as I have said in regards to seeing Jim and anything else, atleast I am cognitive of the fact that I am distracting myself. Atleast I know that is what I am doing. It saddens me, because Carm used to love to go out, and for a time, she was doing it for exactly the same reasons that I am now. I hope she recalls what that was like and humours me a bit more.