"My Ambition Is Handicapped By Laziness."

Pretty miserble today. It's raining, supposed to do it all weekend, even in Philly, so that sucks. I was hoping to be able to walk most places and just in general have it be nice weather. Even if it's overcast, I would rather it not rain. All of my damn leads with jobs seem to be going out the window. The one in Lutherville has been filled, Advanced has none, but check back in a couple of weeks, there should be two opening up, there is one in Greenspring that I really want, but it will probably go to someone internally. I should know on that one by tomorrow. Trish said that they don't need me to come back since they have people to fill in, but I told tracey to put it out there to the doc's that I want to come back. Damn, I should have had my head examined. More bullshit to contend with. Went to the library yesterday. Re-read Factotum in one sitting last night waiting for Carmin to get home from work. I am realising that with the exception of the fondness for ugly, aged whores, I have an awful lot of similarities with Henry Chinaski. Not sure whether this is a good thing haha. Went to The Ottobar Tuesday night. Rob came out even though he was tired. We had a full table. It was really nice to get to sleep next to Nick after us sleeping on the separate couches at his parents' last weekend. Chris came over to get an idea of what all he and Rob are going to do to fix the basement up, and he ended up fooling around with the valves and the radiators, and now all of the bedrooms get heat and the shower gets decent water pressure, so needless to say, that made me very happy for later on. Will be glad to see Nick later on and imbibe some beverages. Why not, it's not like I have a job to go to tomorrow, or an interview for that matter (and I was really hoping for one, too. No sarcasm, I really was.).

Still unemployed. Thought for a moment that there was a lead maybe from M.I.B., but then today the lady emailed me back and said that something fell through. Damn it. I called Tracey today, left a message. Waiting for her to call back. Want to test the waters for how likely it would be for Trish to find something for me at the old homestead--- I am ready to fucking beg. I'm serious, I have no trouble taking a big old slice of humble pie--- as Uriah Heap said in David Copperfield, I have developed a taste for it. I'm very contrite, and wish to get back to where I honestly do feel that I belong. The other place never felt like home, or even like it would become home. I should have had my fucking head examined. Anyways, I'm not holding my breath, but if I could just hear from one of the other Radiology places. My car is at the shop, got an oil change, and, just as I suspected, the breaks were in fact fucked and would need replacing. Just the back ones, but still is set to cost $500. Hopefully I can get Dad to reimburse me for it, he offered if I need help with anything. I know that I should have gone with them this weekend to see my grandfather, but it just sets me on edge, and while I have nothing but tender feelings for him, what do I care if the rest of the family think I'm a bad grandchild? I owe them nothing and expect someday after my dad and Mary are gone, I will carry on just as I have. No hard feelings, but no need to be close. Anyways, have to pick the car up later, Carmin is going to take me. Will be glad if she and I can hang out for a bit. Concerned over how things will be once we don't live together anymore. Will have to make more of an effort. I said that I would treat her to dinner if she takes me to get my car. Really, I should be fucking fasting. You would think that unemployment and poverty would, if nothing else, aid in my seemingly futile quest to lose weight. Hasn't happened yet. Spent the weekend at Nick's parents' while they were in New York. Hit The Wind-up Friday night after a very good dinner we made of four cheese ravioli with white truffle olive oil (shit, left that at the house), marinara, shredded cheese, garlic bread, and then (very bad) cookies and cream ice cream. After getting obliteratingly drunk, went to Papermoon with Lori, Christina, and Cintya. Papermoon grilled cheese--- as good as it is when you're sober, it's twice as good when you're drunk. It had been a long time. Saturday, took an epic walk, from Hampden, through Roland Park, up to Guilford, through Sherwood Gardens, down the entire length of the Hopkins campus, past Wyman Park, down 29th and then up to Keswick, and back into Hampden. got Chinese food with Sam that evening for dinner. Found that I really like the eel sushi (so much so, that I got an order for myself last night when Nick's parents got back and wanted Chinese food.). The Wind-up was doing their Britpop Danceparty, got Lori and some of her friends out for that, but sadly nobody else. But it was so much fun. There was a moment whilst dancing that I really wanted to say, "This is it, this is what I live for." People were probably laughing at us, fuck 'em. Yesterday went to Druid Hill. Walked around the lake, used the equiptment, had the Chinese food. Bought a dress today at Ross, I know, I know, I'm broke, but tried it on when I got home, and boy, if it isn't cute. Good buy that. Will be glad to see Nick later and go to Club Charles.

Unemployment And Shit

Boy, it has been a while since I have updated. Well, I quit my job at that awful place. I knew that it was coming, them firing me, but I got the jump on them and fucking quit. I laid into that manager, too. The big boss and her called me into the office and I let them have it. I told her to her face that she is the most passive-aggressive person and least professional supervisor that I have ever seen, and called her out on her shit to Lynn, I hope I got her in trouble. Anyways, walking out, felt like a huge fucking weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Now I just have to find something new, something better, something that will not make me want to kill myself everyday. I so regret leaving St. Joe's. I will kick myself everyday for that. Since I have been unemployed (it has been since March 10), I have been toiling away applying for jobs online and making calls, trying to set up contacts, catching up on myriad things that have fallen by the wayside, and trying to sort things out with moving later this year. I am going to be living in the house on 36th, with Nick, at his insistance, and while I was apprehensive, he was not budging on wanting to stay there (as opposed to my house), or budging on wanting us to live together. I hope it goes well. I feel like I did learn a lot from the experience with Farley. I will have my own room and will have the rest of the house to furnish, as well, although I am still trying to figure out where I am going to put all of my stuff, since I just have so much. Nick says that it will be "our house," which I rather like. It'll get figured out. There still needs to be determined who the third person wil be, since Christina and Cyntia decided that it would be too many people for them both to live there, which I can't say I disagree with. So, being without a job has atleast afforded me the time to catch up on a lot of stuff that I have been wanting to do, from getting rid of stuff and going to the Salvation Army, to paying off bills (although now I am starting to get concerned about the whole lack of paycheck thing.). In true Withnail and I form, I am unemployed and going away on holiday next week (Philly for the weekend to see Gaslight Anthem.). Will be trying to conserve funds as much as possible, although it would certainly be made easier if Carmin could provide me with some assistance with our joined expenses. She and Allen are moving to a house nearby the beginning of May (well, he'll be there then, she'll be out of here by the end of May, and be paying double rent for some of that time. How they are going to do this is beyond me. I will miss living with her, but I guess that this is the normal progression of things. We both felt like this was the opportunity to seize, and I myself, feeling apprehensive, also do not want to kick myself in the future for passing it up.). I wish I were like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, or that I was married to a gangster. Not really, but damn it, I'm tired of working, having nothing to show for it, and being miserable. Anyways, been out and about. Got to see Morrissey last Saturday, which was me and Nick's one year anniversary. We went to the BMA (like last year), then to dinner at Annabelle Lee, where Kurt, the owner, comped our bill for two Raven cocktails for the occasion, then we went to D.C.. The show was amazing. The old man still has it. Leaving the parking garage, of all the people there in this other city, guess who was parked about ten cars down from us? Rob and Melanie. I just thought that was ridiculous. Nick said that for a couple that claim to be trendsetters or whatever, they seem to be stalking us. I found that to be amusing. Staying at Nick's parents' house this weekend to dogsit since they are going to New York. Pop-Pop is in the hospital, which is upsetting to me, but I agree with my step-mom that that is the best place for him right now. Breaks my heart, God, I don't want to get old. I will be glad to see Nick later and start the weekend.

Back in this place this morning. Knowing not what horrors await me, I am planning on informing them that I will not be in on Friday, using that day to totally get my shit in order (actually, it is also my goal for the rest of the week leading up to then to get my shit in order. Basically, my entire purpose for all the time is to get my shit in order.). Had a lovely weekend. Friday, Nick and I went to The wind-up with Rob to meet George for the first time. He was charm personified and Angel was practically all over him, not in a scandelous way, just in an unable to deny the pull they have for eachother kind of way, Rob really being a gentleman and trying to be corgial to George, but him understandably uncomfortable. Everyone got drunk, Nik was obliterated and I think I had six vodka and pineapples, which I have never done before, but felt great the next day. Love that pineapple and vodka, baby!! It's funny to me how some people who aren't related and maybe don't even look a lot alike can have such similarities to evoke the idea that they are in fact related. Nick and Rob are like that. A number of people have thought that they are brothers, even though they don't look especially alike, just maybe a similar complexion (dark hair, olive skin kind of thing). Anyways, had fun Friday. Saturday, spring finally seemed to have made a return. It was so lovely, that immediately made me feel better. We went to Fells (along with everybody else in the city, it seemed. Hampden, too, was crawling with localsand tourists alike.), went to Slainte for fish and chips, then to Soundgarden, then the park. Walked around the lake (two and a half miles). Went up to Pheoebe's that evening. Rob played a set of Savory James songs solo acoustic, and Matt Kelly and Todd's band, Pirate Island, who I had never heard before, but boy, were they awesome. Not at all what I was expecting, but fucking cool. Alt-country, actually, or Neutral Milk Hotel. Very good. Stayed there till after ten,but the night was still young, so then to The Wind-up, but being that Nick had consumed almost an entire bottle of creme sherry and two Natty Boh's, the one kosher Boh at The Wind-up pretty much did him in, so we made it an early night. Sunday, there was a super long walk from Hampden through Roland Park to Guilford, through Sherwood Gardens, then back to Hampden. Ate at Bella Roma twice haha. Monday was shit at work, the ice was getting thin and I was getting more perturbed.

Monday there was a small blizzard, so no school, hence no work for Nick. I had gone home Sunday night and wasn't planning on killing myself to get to work on Monday if it did snow, but they ended up closing the office, which is awesome, because it doesn't count as a call-out and we all still get paid. All of the patients would have cancelled anyways. By the afternoon it was clearing up enough that Carmin and I could go out for coffee and then I went to Club Charles with Nick that evening. I read a great deal of The Watchmen during the day, but that's about all. Had fun at Club Charles. Drank pineapple and vodka's (new drink), had a shot of something called Breidenjager or something like that--- it's a honey liquor. Pretty good, definately would work to replace real honey in a hot toddy, increase one's intake of medicinal alcohol. Anyways, Tuesday night went to the Ottobar. Just Rob, Nick, and myself holding it down. There was an unexpected almost dance-off with that horrible girl that wears all the fur and some guy friend of her's. I think that we won haha. Bit of fun, not enough hours of lovely sleep, Wednesday, felt like absolute shit. Stupid cough is back, read some, then, incredibly depressed, slept till morning. Swigging NighQuil, drunk, ill, and miserable, stumbling into the bathroom at around 9, hollered down to Carmin that I was just staying in bed for the night. Vowed to start things better on Thursday. Feel like my life is spiraling out of control, my hatred for this job, my regret for leaving the old one, my OCD, my inability to get myself to fucking DO things that need to be done but render me anxiety-ridden, then even more depressed. I have two parking tickets to be sent in, myriad bills (where the money to pay them is is beyond me.), my fucking weight and compulsive eating is ridculous (been on a bender. That's probably the one most depressing me, my lack of control or influence on my own fucking body.). Nick did get tickets to see The Watchmen at The Senator last night. I finished the book literally right as Carmin was coming through the door (she and Allen were going to the midnight showing at White Marsh.). I really enjoyed it. Enjoyed the movie, although it was not perfect. It came pretty close though in parts, which is probably the most vexing part, that it came so close to doing things perfectly. Looking forward to discussing it with everybody. Got about four hours of sleep last night, it was so nice laying in bed this morning, will be very glad to get to do more of that for the weekend. Hit The Wind-up early last night, saw Holy, had three vodka and pineapple juices, left when some shitty, dischordant, art school fucks took to the stage and started making a racket. Had to stop in Crush at Belvedere Square to use the toilets and had a drink there, then over to the movie. Despite the mere four hours of sleep, woke up feeling good, refreshed even. Guess it's that thing of getting so few hours is almost like a revitalising nap. At the risk of doing what I always do (start out with good intentions and total resolve, only to fuck it up and revert to my bad old ways, compounding my feelings of failure and hopelessness), I do feel motivated this morning, if for no reason than the fact that it is warmer, and getting up into the seventies this weekend, and that it is the weekend, motivated to do better.

Despite this motivation and positive attitude, as I suspected "The Micromanager" had other plans, writing me up and wielding the most preposterous and offensive of allegations, and informing me that I am on a one month probation, whatever that means. I know that I need to get out of here, but how does one find something when all of one's time is taken up by this bullshit? Anyways, despite this, I am still motivated and envigerated by the good weather and weekend. Hopefully, things can get sorted. Lord, I am ready for something wonderful.

The Top Chef finale was a damn joke. Stefan was robbed, and worse than that, was that that weasel Hosea that won. Seriously, when it seemed like Stefan wasn't going to win, I thought that Carla would be the next contender. But no such luck. Eh, what can you do? I'm sure that Hosea will go back to Colorado and despite the win, continue on a career filled with metiocrity. Went to The Wind-up Thursday night. Met up with Lori and Rob. Nick and I stopped at Subway on the way home. Been a while since we did that. Slept in Hampden. Borrowed The Watchmen. I have strick orders to read the book by this weekend when the movie comes out. I am about a third of the way done now, and have looked some stuff up online to familiarize myself with it. It's very engrossing, but also complicated, but I am enjoying it. Hope to get it read by Thursday (doubtful), since Nick said that he would like to go to a midnight showing, although that would put us at 3 o'clock to get home (it's a two and a half hour movie), but it's not like that has never happened. Went to Underground, or its new incarnation at Fletcher's, Brilliant, Friday night. God, I do enjoy dancing. Slept in Saturday. Got coffee, then took a walk, then headed to mine. Hung out there a while, got ready to go to dinner with Nick's parents. We went to a place called Jack's Bistro in Canton. Pretty good, specialising in soude vede cooking, which is kind of ironic considering Carla's undoing by the "bag-cooking" in the finale this week. We started with shrowstring fries with demi glaze and foie gras sauce (wasn't crazy about that, but there were no solid bits.), with some cheese dispersed throughout. It was pretty good, reminded me very much of a fancy version of gravy fries (hmmm, gravy fries. Been a long time. Cafe Hon...). Nick got his own starter which was a tuna tartar with tomato and jalapeno. I was all set to have the crab cake on the menu, but then opted for the much cheaper chopped filet mignon burger. That proved to be very delicious, if a little too filling on account of the huge kaiser roll it was on. Didn't care too much for the fries, but that was only because of their size. I like a more substantial potato. Anyways, Nick got a filet mignon, rare, although, he did give me a piece, the most well-done of it, and it was pretty damn delicious. Completely different texture, melted in your mouth. That came with grits, which I find to be horrible and repulsive, and asparagus. The asparagus was good. Nick's mom got scallops, and is dad had the soude vede pork chop, amazingly moist and very, very good. The dessert may have pushed it over the edge with what they billed as "fried s'mores," because later on, I felt sick. I think it was from over-eating and then Nick and I mucking about terrorizing eachother. Did check out the David Lynch Fest at The Wind-up, but it ended up not being that awesome. It was packed, which is alright, but it ended up being a damn "Twin Peaks" fest. Just about everything represented was about Twin Peaks, saw nothing referencing Blue Velvet or Wild At Heart (my favourites of his), no Eraserhead hair, nothing for anything hardly other than Twin Peaks (or the film version, Fire Walk With Me.). Lori came out and we ran into that kid Davis, and Holly was in costume and won the Twin Peaks Trivia contest, but all in all, I was glad to go home. Sunday, had some lunch at Common Ground, then took a walk up to the Rotunda and back. Went to B later on for dinner. Lovely meal, on the cheap by our standards (and by the majority of the menu's standards, as well.). Began with the Caesar salad and baby octopus (give ya one guess who had what haha), then Nick had the chicken panini (terribly good, would definately order that) and I had the margherita pizza. I had that the first time there, but this time it was better, different. A little more deconstructed last time, more spinach and cheese this time, delicious. For dessert, I got their ice cream platter, with an unexpected find, red beet ice cream. I was a little leary, but the waitress said how good it was, so I got that along with the hazelnut and Nuttella flavours. I love B's ice cream. Didn't get my cappuccino, but I did have a Kasteel Rouge. Nick had creme brule, just basic, nothing amazing, but good (atleast it wasn't that orange and basil one.). Very good meal, excellent atmosphere, the snow falling outside the giant windows on the sleeping brownstones of Bolton Hill.