This Is A Low

I would rather be anyplace other than in work right now. I was off on Friday, and came in today to a hell of a mess, and all of the normal headaches, as well. Ofcourse, I should probably be grateful to have a job, and I do hope that I retain it, however, I do feel rather at the end of my rope for the most part. That is why I am stopping for a minute to write this.

In general, I'm feeling quite down. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel depressed in general. I feel like I am going to miss Pittsburgh, but even though it's not for two weeks that he leaves, I kind of feel like he's already gone, and I also kind of lament the fact that I can see the limitations of whatever our relationship could ever be. I think I see the limitations of any relationship I will ever have from here on out. I do feel like anything else for the rest of my life will be a form of settling. Carm says I don't know that, and someday what seems like it could never be topped or equalled will be, but as it stands right now, I'm not terribly convinced.

I started this post on Monday, got busy, and never got back to it. It's now Tuesday. I'm going to go to Two For Tuesday's tonight. I plan on going to see Gilbert spin at Friends tomorrow, and Thursday I'm supposed to hang out with Tony from the record store.

I did not see Jim on Sunday. Thought I would, but he ended up being too busy, so I went out on my own, because I had gotten ready thinking we would hang out later, and I looked too cute to stay home. But it was kind of lonely, still. We had a nice time out Friday. It's like once we get together, everything flows very well, but it's the pulling teeth of getting it to come to fuition. Nothing mentioned about Valentine's Day. Not a word, which kind of sucked. Again, I guess it's just beyond his scope of interest or make-up. But that being said, and the fact that he's off for Florida in two weeks, I definately am glad to have not done anything more. I spoke to him last night for a bit. I wonder if he figures it makes sense to just jump off now that he's about to be going, and he can see he's not getting anywhere else. Really, nothing would surprise me.

I just kind of feel at a loss. I feel like I'm treading water again. I wish I could clone myself in boy-form. That's really what I want. Someone just like me, who likes the same things and knows the same things, that I don't have to explain things to or have them be uninterested. Then, of course, there's the whole thing about none of it meaning anything at all, all of the shared interests, the kindred spirits, the special signifigant exchanges that are you and theirs alone, it's all the same, random and mundane, that whole thing about the script staying the same and the cast simply rotating.

I'm grateful, still. I am keeping it in mind, that I have my heart set on nothing, that I am aware of the limitations, and that it has been fun while it lasted, and take it from there.