Killing Myself To Live

Oh, God, I feel horrible today. I got to stop doing this. I'm feeling very down on myself this morning, so be prepared for a pity party.

Went to Club Charles last night. I opted to go pick Nick up at his house last night, and I anticipated not feeling like/being capable of coming back home, depending upon how late it was, and being that his house is so much closer to my work, I took a pair of dress pants with me just in case. Of course, "just in case" became a certainty, and I ended up staying there and just coming straight to work. I definately drank too much last night. Felt nothing for the longest time, not sure really how I got us home. More than a little disconcerting and I am entirely thankful for getting there in one piece. I lost my credit card, which is completely out of character, I always put everything right away (one of the benefits of OCD), so I had to call and cancel that this morning. I feel like absolute shit. I slept on the floor, no less, so when I woke up, I felt like I was broke in half. My back was killing me. I am fat and tired and depressed at the moment. I didn't want to leave him. Even on that fucking hard-ass basement floor, God, I didn't want to leave him.

I'm spending way too much money. I'm getting in a hole and when we move, I don't know how I'm going to swing this. I know I have let B & P down, and I have blown through more money than I should have, but I really don't know what else to do. I guess I simply live beyond my means, but I really don't see any other way. Carm said just now that she is worried about money with moving and all, and I am, too, but I also just feel like things will sort themselves out. Thank God I have that money to fall back on. But I know it isn't going to last, especially if I go through it too rapidly.

Nick says once he gets paid Thursday he is going to treat me like a queen.

There simply is no hope for my weight. I have no self-control and don't know when to stop eating. Now I am getting to the point where I am just giving up, and getting more depressed, and it's that regular kind of depressed where one is inclined TO eat, as opposed to the kind of depressed I was after Rob left, where miraculously I was inclined to NOT EAT. I feel like I have tried so many different strategies, been so committed and motivated to all of these different plans to get back down, and have been able to stick with none of them, seen results with none of them even when I did try to stick. There was the whole just not eating thing, the eating only organic things like salads and fruit, the exercising to burn everything off plan, the eating only once a day thing. I feel bloated and distended and grotesque, and I hate myself for constantly bitching about it to everyone, my Mom, Carmin, Nick, people at work, because I know how obnoxious it sounds, especially to people who are much bigger than me. But it's how I feel. I really wish I could just curl up in a ball somewhere for about a week and not be disturbed.

I'll be so glad when this day is over and I can go home, take a nap, and go to Two For Tuesdays, where I will be taking it very easy with the alky tonight.