I Think That I Just Fell In Love With You

Last night was a lot of fun. When Nick got off work, we went to The Wind-up. Russell was playing The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, although I didn't get to see much of it after the first initial frames, since Victor met us there with Joe Red, and Rob and Angel stopped in in between bands they were seeing at Joe Squared (which is appearently open again--- I still want to try their pizza.). I was told that tonight should be a busy night, since there is a surprise B-day party and another regular B-day party to attend, one at Frazier's, the other at the house on Calvert, I imagine, but don't know for sure. Wore my Fred Perry shirt last night, finally. Been dragging my feet, initally because it's just too good, but then, once I tried it on, I discovered that although it is the same size as the black and gold one I returned (which is supposed to convert to a ladies small, size 4-6), it's actually considerably bigger than the other one, not exactly flattering, even given my increased mass. I even thought yesterday maybe it would fit better, that I'd fill it out more, as it were, but it's still really big. I decided just to wear it anyways, hoping it will shrink. Yep, all the fast food of last weekend, and my consumption for the week has definately caught up with me. Fuck. I really would like to lose atleast something by next week, on account of it being a year from when I lost it to begin with. The funny thing is that yesterday after work, I made this long trek downtown to return those adorable sailor capris to Urban Outfitters, since Urban's size 4 is considerably smaller than Gap or Express' size 4, and once I was down there and hungry as shit for dinner, I decided to go over to Fell's for my fish and chips at Slainte. How ironic, how self-defeating, but, my God, how good!! Oh, totally on point, really enjoyed it. Had two totally unnecessary vodka and diets (I feel funny sitting at the bar ordering food and then not ordering an alcoholic beverage, atleast one, being that I am sitting AT the bar, as opposed to a table. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself.), and left the pub fairly tight, making my way down Thames Street to Soundgarden. It is always strange to be drunk when it is light out. In fact, it was a little odd driving past all these places I so frequently see at night yesterday, in daylight. Lost track of time listening to music and bumming around the record store till I got a call from Victor around 8, and I determined I needed to get my ass home. Made two purchases, fortuitously used cd's, Tom Waits' Closing Time and Rain Dogs. Yes, I have become a fan. Not all of it, obviously, but there are truly some gems, incredible songwriting (just flat out WRITING, storytelling, brilliant--- like Bukowski, but more consistant.) I think I will get Blue Valentine next, since that has been so highly recommended to me. Nick made a new mix, which we listened to while we were out, then as he was ejecting it, the cd player switched over to the other cd in it, and Nick heard the first strains of Singapore, and insisted on putting it back on and we sat there listening to several songs, including Ol' '55, which Nick said is another song of his for me, I guess the whole driving home theme of it, and we both said how fucking good I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You is, and listening to it, how strikingly appropriate and spot-on it is to our first meeting at Ottobar. It's such a lovely song, and as soon as I heard it, I made up in my mind that I was buying the cd. It's his first album, much less raspy, a good introduction to Tom Waits, I would say, even though there are several other more recent songs that kind of sold me initially. Anyways, listening to that song, Nick said something along the lines of, "Look what happened, I did," or something, implying that he had fallen in love with me, which was something in and of itself, and I hugged him a little harder, trying to stress that I was glad that he'd said that, and that I reciprocated, then he said it in full, that he is in love with me, that he loves me. I can't remember the exact wording of it, but I just sat there, hugging him, before I said it back, feeling so much different than when I said it to Rob (the only other time I have ever said it. It's not something I take lightly or go around using without meaning, or would ever want used without meaning to me or be premature.), Nick then saying, 'I can't believe I broke down and said it, I held out as long as I could, but I said it, and said it first." I said, yeah, that we had said so many times that neither one of us was going to say it, or say it first, but there we did, and he said somehow he had to say it. I don't want to make a big deal about it, or get my hopes up or anything, but it is completely what I want more than anything, for him to feel that way. I don't want to say it too much. After sitting in the car, me of course crying, trying to play it off as just being effected by the song, we went in the house, Nick breaking the sentimentality by announcing that he had to piss (because he has to keep SOME credibility haha), and otherwise, we would have been sitting out there all night. Again, I am not getting all over the top or getting my hopes up, but I am very thankful and really want it more than anything. He said it again when he left, when I said it, I felt no different, prehaps because I have been thinking it for a while and it, to me, does not feel forced or false.

We are trying to go to Philly tomorrow or Sunday, haven't decided which yet, and try Dogwood for dinner the day we don't. I wish now that I had kept my week's vacation for next week, but I am off next Friday and then Monday for Labour Day. Still want to get him a little something, may venture to Hampden for that dagger tie from 9th Life. I am hungry and not wanting to get any fucking fatter, but hear the damn Chik-Fil-A calling out to me from the mall, if not that then Einstein's--- what's a girl to do? Atleast we did not hit the Subway or anthing last night (despite the intention of going sometime soon to Valentino's--- I have a taste for creamed chip beef so bad.). I will be so glad to get out of here today and see that beautiful boy. This weekend will be the little respite before I have to go for that test on Monday and find out if I am, in fact dying, or to what degree.