Felt like absolute shit yesterday morning. Left work at 10, getting another suspension, but I couldn't have given a fuck I felt so bad. I must have drank too much Tuesday night and then having (unwisely) eaten Pizza Golfish when I came home, and not getting enough sleep, when I got up I was just tired, but as I got into work, I started feeling worse, and this tickle in my throat from the dust at the old apartment was causing me to cough, which in turn gagged me and I ended up throwing up---all orange Goldfish remnants. I left and went home, got in bed and slept from 10:30 to 3. I could have slept longer, but I figured I should get up and I wanted to see Carmin. I had a headache still which didn't go away till around 7 when I had a Coke Slurpee for the caffiene. Yesterday and Tuesday I hadn't gone to Starbucks or anything so I must have had withdraw. Went to dinner for our B-day's with Dad and Mary and Carmin came, too, which was awesome. I hadn't eaten all day, and still wasn't terribly hungry when we went, but once I started eating, I really put it away, as per usual. I really need atleast two days to detox and not eat ANYTHING at all, and if I feel weak, just go and lie down. Just to drop some weight and start over. The only way to really do that would be to not have work or any other temptations (other people to be around and go out with). I do figure for the most part the big dinners for my B-day should be over with now, having gone with Nick, Mom and Tony, and Dad and Mary this week. I do have a coupon for a free dinner at Noodles I have to use this week, may go there tonight. Holding off till then, though.

Nick invited me to come over and watch Top Chef last night since we don't have the cable hooked up yet. I really would have liked to have stayed over, but I knew that I had to be in here early at 7 for this meeting and since I'd left early yeaterday, I knew I couldn't afford to fuck anything up or not be well enough to endure this day. For that reason, after top Chef and watching about half of an Iron Chef (what a ridiculous, over-the-top spectacle that is!), I left, although it wasn't easy. I seriously did not want to leave the couch where Nick had his head in my lap and was dozily saying I should stay. I said, "You know I don't want to go, right?" and he said, "I know you don't, I don't want you to leave, either." I said tonight I should be able to stay out or stay over, since hopefully tomorrow will be a slow Friday. God, it is just so good being with him, it really killed me to leave. I will be glad to get to see him later. I will have to eat I suppose on account of if I drink anything later (and odds are good I will, although, I definately should keep it to more of a minimum when I know I'm not going to get much sleep.).

Still got a lot of unpacking to do, but it is coming along. Need to get a rug for my tremendous bedroom, two rugs probably, and a stand for the television and my dvd's in the living room and a new coffee table I guess. Also there's the rest of the stuff in the apartment to come over. Still have no idea where we are going to put all of the stuff we kept packed away, since there is very little closet space here. Guess I just have to get rid of more and condense.

On the one hand it is so good and such a blessing to be faced with all of this "temptation" for eating badly, having people and social situations to go out with and all, but on the other hand, it's like I can never get a handle on this thing, which is spiraling out of control, because everytime I'm like, Ok, that's it, no more eating, some other situation comes up and it's like a gun is being put to my head. A delicious gun, albeit, however, now, it's actually reaching such a point of crisis, that I can't even enjoy myself really eating. Not unless I feel like I've earned it or like I can afford to do it.