Everybody's Strung Out--- On Something Or Other

I seriously did not want to get up this morning. Not just because I'm tired, not just because we went to bed at like 4 am, but because I was so comfortable and it pains me to have had to bug Nick to wake up and leave the apartment with me this morning. As I sit at my desk now, all I can think is how much I'd like to still be laying there in bed with him. Went to Two For Tuesdays last night. Got a late start, didn't get there till 11:30, stayed till close. The music sucked, but it was still a good time. Did not see Rob, but I texted him about those Brew at The Zoo tickets, so we'll see if I hear back from him today. I want to get a haircut after work and I really should do some packing when I get home, but I know I will probably just want to crawl in bed when I get off work, like yesterday, and do nothing. I ate really good yesterday. Nothing but a Venti Black Iced Tea from Starbucks till after 8, when I got up and had salad with cucumber and low-fat Caesar dressing and an apple. Then, I was still hungry so I had a granola bar. A little later, I was waiting for Nick to get out of work and text me so I knew to start getting ready, and I had some Goldfish. This was mainly because I figured maybe I SHOULD have a little something with carbs to it to provide a foundation for the alcohol I planned on consuming. I swear, I just keep getting fatter, and at this point, I don't know what the fuck to do. I have been trying to eat better the last few days, but I just seem to keep putting on weight and I really don't understand it. It is making me crazy. I really feel like I look like shit now, and felt very self-conscious at the bar last night. I don't know what to do. I want to start exercising, if I can find the time and energy. Why can't I just drop this fucking weight again like I did in September? One good thing atleast, is that after some debate we did not stop at Subway on the way home last night. So atleast what I mentioned before was the extent of what I ate and nothing right before bed. I am thinking it would be lovely to have a manual labour job, just for the perks of getting exercise whilst there.

I don't know what to do.

Nick brought me a bag of Explosive Pizza Goldfish last night when he came over. I said he really knows the way to my heart haha. Shame I love food so much again. All my new clothes are too small and all my old clothes are fitting again. It's bullshit.

Just got some coffee from the nurses' office. Just maybe two tablespoons (if that) of Cinnamon Bun Coffeemate creamer. No sugar, been trying to eliminate it as much as possible.

We drove home listening to the self-titled Blur album---Look Inside America and You're So Great and I Love You (A sentence he has said repeatedly scares the shit out of him.) and Death of The Party. It says, "Another night, and I thought well, well, go to another party and hang myself gently on the shelf." He said that'll be him in a few years.

His friends were kind of making fun of him last night for wearing his sunglasses even though it was dark out and not terribly bright in the bar, and then they were saying, "Oh you love it though, don't you? You think it's adorable." I do find it all to be incredibly hot, but that goes without saying.

Spectator in some illegal activity. May participate next time. Conflicted. B & P would not be happy. Don't want to break promises, but also feel like it is something I have wanted to do, would not be an on-going pastime, and much like everything else, the old way simply wasn't working, therefore new avenues must be explored with some degree of atypical abandon.

Carm still seemed down yesterday, obviously been crying again. Poor thing. Didn't bring anything up though. Guess there would be no change. I think she was going to call that place to see if she could send her brother a letter and photo or something. What a mess. Be staying in tonight for Top Chef.

May stop to vacuum my car on the way home today.