Chain Gang

I will preface this entry by saying that this is getting old, I know, everyday is the same--- Fat Fat Water Rat, lamenting said fatness, my inability to lose weight, spurred on by my inability to resist temptation, the compounding of self-loathing and insurmountable mass, I feel that the battle is lost, the fucking war is sewn up, I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to fucking do. Today, I feel worse about myself than I think I have since I started feeling badly again. I want to detox myself, completely empty everything out, languish for a few days. I don't know what the fucking right equation is--- I try to eat less, I try, like yesterday, to eat salad and fruit, no fucking difference. I am faced with situations where eating is necessary and most enjoyable, what am I to do? I feel like I have a fucking addiction.

Now that that is out of the way, last night was fun, stretched quite into this morning, 5 o'clock this morning to be exact, so that gave me about two hours of sleep. We went to Ottobar, I got rather drunk (hence going to Subway on the way home, which was delicious and sobering, but illustrative of my fucking weight-gaining issues.), Nick looked quite dapper and striking, all kitted out in his suitcoat, tie, and fedora. One terribly nice thing said last night was that I do have eyes like Clara Bow. He made a new mix cd that we were listening to on the drive down and back, with several "Kathleen tracks," which featured the Fun Boy Three version of Our Lips Are Sealed, The Raveonettes, The Kills, then an acoustic Style Council version of A Town Called Malice (still Paul Weller singing, of course), a live Babyshambles song (during which, Nick said I had the biggest smile on my face and I looked far too happy), followed by his favourite off of Joy Division's Closer, Atrocity Exhibition, and, ironically enough, a song called Closer by Travis. This was a very good mix, and when he said, "So, did I do good, baby?" the resounding answer was yes. Nearing two hours after we got home from the bar and Subway, we were still mucking about, counting battle scars and adding new ones, till it was, in fact, five in the morning. The birds were singing when he left and I retired to get my requisite two hours of sleep. At one point during the festivities, when I was compelled to utter again how beautiful he is, his response that I am, too, made me almost cry, mainly because, although he comments, of his own volition frequently enough, that I am, it almost made me sad how much I want it to be true.

One thing that is going to suck is not being able to sleep in on Friday, since we want to head to Philly early and miss the traffic (coming and going). I know I would totally love to go straight to bed when I get home today, but I have the Comcast people hooking up the internet between 4 and 7, and I really need to do laundry today or tomorrow at the latest, and Carm and I have passes for free dinners at Cafe Hon we may want to use one of those days, as well. Yet another opportunity for me to eat and increase my girth whilst decreasing my self-esteem---awesome. That's the thing, I don't think I can even enjoy eating anything now I feel so miserable, yet I'm fucking compelled to do it. I wish I could get a gastric bypass so my stomach was small again and I wouldn't gorge myself, which is really the problem. My stomach shrank and now it's expanded back. I know that gastric bypass is not an option for someone weighing 120 some pounds, I'm being overly dramatic, but I wish SOMETHING could be done. Yesterday, I briefly considered just accepting that I am not going back down to a size two and weighing 110 pounds, that that was a shitty time in my life that had me get to look like that and not to keep stressing and being hung up on it now, but then today I feel bigger and less attractive than ever, and I can't shake the knowledge of how good I felt about myself, and how this tiny persona is in fact possible. But I can see it's not going to fucking happen unless I can be left without distraction or temptation for several days, and being that such things are constant, and I really haven't the time to take off of work to sleep the weight off, I am at a total loss.